light conversation

[guest]

This is not quite about relationships, but I wanted to know if you guys have any pointers on how to be a light conversationalist.

 

You know how some people are just pleasant to talk to? They make you laugh, they make you feel better, they make you feel welcome, they're warm. They're nice, but not too nice. They make you pay attention, but little enough that you feel relaxed. They're playful. Do you get the picture?

 

I feel like I'm a "tight" conversationalist. People are interested in what I have to say, but it's hard to be relaxed and hang out with me, doing and talking about nothing. I'd like to change that, because I personally really enjoy spending time with people I described above.

 

Any advice will be appreciated.

[Tony T]

It sounds like you have pretty keen insight on how you are and who you are...and the answer to your post is actually built into the question.

 

First, let me say that everybody's different and you just happen to be a more intense person. It's very wrong to change the way you are unless you really must. Trying to change who you are takes a great amount of energy and often comes out somewhat fakish and people can detect that.

 

My recommendation is to hang around the type of people you want to relate to or who are like the way you want to be. Just listen to them and pay lots of attention. With your intelligence, it won't be long before you can at least mimic them. However, your essence will not change and it's likely you will not enjoy the experience.

 

Small talk is an art. It's also pretty shallow sometimes. People who are intense are most often very real, cut to the chase type people who don't like to BS. That's a good thing. People who engage in light "cocktail chatter" are often less intelligent, have little important to say about anything, are really afraid to express themselves, are very difficult to get to know...but, yes, they are often popular and seemingly in the majority.

 

The people these light conversationalists hang out with are others who can't stand to get into people's heads and ideas either. They are part of the fat, dumb and happy syndrome and that doesn't sound like you. But I don't blame you for wanting to be part of the masses. You are assuming that they are happy when, in fact, they are frustrated because they are mostly incapable of having deeper conversations or are afraid to.

 

My favorite quote on the subject is by novelist Henry Miller in "Tropic of Capricorn":

 

"The more you reach out towards the world, the more the world retreats. Nobody wants real love or real hatred. Nobody wants you to put your hands in his sacred entrails. That's only for the priest in the hour of sacrifice. While you are here, while your blood is still warm, you are to pretend that there is no such thing as blood and no such thing as flesh beneath the covering of skin. Keep off the grass. That's the motto by which people live."

 

Rejoice in the fact that you talk with depth. However, ignorance is very much bliss and the ignorant have much company.

 

People often talk when they cease to be at ease with themselves.

 

Be yourself!!!

[midori]

very insightful, Tony. I've always meant to read Tropic of Capricorn, never did. I shall renew my resolve now, thanks!

[Dragonflys]

I get an empty feeling in my stomach often during light conversations. Unless it is something that really interests me I can't stand it. When I talk, I'm usually as Tony eloquently put it 'trying to cut to the chase'. I seek something to create or solve rather than just dithering on. I get a deep warm fuzzy feeling when I put my creative mind to the test and get into the teeth of a conversion. That is is a reason why I always enjoy a converstion more one-on-one rather than in a group. I get unfocussed and eventually quiet when people start bouncing stuff from all directions haphazardly.

 

I always wondered why the light talkers are so popular and seem so at ease when I am least at ease. One theory which expands on Tony's is that it is not simply intelligence, but perception. I'm often aware of more, or maybe other things...I perceive mood and facial expressions quite strongly...and maybe such information is a hindrance when merely trying to take a conversation literally. Popular folks often miss something when it comes to sensitivity..they can just yap and throw it out there staying within a few social conversation norms. The level of intimacy I seek with conversation is not fulfilled.

 

In the past few years my approach to conversation has changed. I tend to waste less time trying to converse with people who lack any other awareness and just talk for talking sake; and focus more on socialising with folks who like to analyse, debate (playfully or otherwise) and discuss. They have an 'emotive' character about them. Emotion stirs me up, not just information. This emotion that is expressed playfully, and designed to create good feeling and to get a bit of an emotional or personal reaction. It's a different but important level of communication for people like myself. When I was young I sought the 'essence' of people, and was not satisfied with expressing myself based only on what information I had learned.

 

It sounds like that is what are about too.

 

I encourage you to build on the strengths we have mentioned rather than try and change. While folks like us are in a clear minority, expressing yourself truly as you are will grab the attention of those few among the masses of others.

 

Oliver

[HokeyReligions]

I may have a different spin on things. I used to feel like I was on the outside looking in - I tended to be overlooked at social gatherings because I either debated too long or too strongly on one subject, or I just seemed to be a smidge out of sync with whatever banter was going on around me. If a conversation doesn't interest me, it was difficult to stay focused and people could tell I was bored because I contributed nothing.

 

I realized that I wanted to "fit in" with more people and be "known" or recognized as a comfortable person - one who others may approach during a party, just to chit-chat.

 

I did exactly what was recommended here - I observed.

 

Here is what I learned

[color=darkblue]Be self-confident. If you have an opinion on something, state it politely. Don't be afraid to contradict someone else, just preface it with an acknowledgment.

"I see what you mean" or "That's an interesting point of view" and then say something like "I see it this way, because"

 

It doesn't matter how heavy or lite the conversation is. You are acknowledging the other person, and stating your own opinion. [/color]

 

[color=darkred]Stay current on politics and entertainment and what's in the news. Don't be afraid to say "I heard something about that, but I don't know what it's all about" and let the other people talk about it to fill you in. People love sharing what they know and their opinions (as evidenced by this post! )[/color]

 

Ask about other people's families and try to remember what they tell you so that later you can reference it. (# of kids, pet's names, etc.) Especially with people you see often, but don't necessarily hang out with (like at work or school or church). I keep a candy dish on my desk at work and people will drop in to get some candy. I'm not great friends with everyone, but all chit-chat a little about trivial things and it's become relaxed. Now the people who I don't have anything in common with will still drop by and grab some candy and say "Hi - I just came in to get some candy" and say thank you and leave. The impression that it leaves is that I'm easy to get along with and a nice person, and I don't expect to have "relationships" with everyone. It's very comfortable.

 

It may seem shallow and fake, but honestly - it helped my own self image and I have found some good friends along the way - friends I wouldn't have if I hadn't put the effort into trying casual banter.

 

I usually do agree with Tony - because he's usually right, but in this case what Tony said

People who are intense are most often very real, cut to the chase type people who don't like to BS. That's a good thing. People who engage in light "cocktail chatter" are often less intelligent, have little important to say about anything, are really afraid to express themselves, are very difficult to get to know...but, yes, they are often popular and seemingly in the majority.

 

The people these light conversationalists hang out with are others who can't stand to get into people's heads and ideas either. They are part of the fat, dumb and happy syndrome and that doesn't sound like you. But I don't blame you for wanting to be part of the masses. You are assuming that they are happy when, in fact, they are frustrated because they are mostly incapable of having deeper conversations or are afraid to.

I think is an oversimplification. I don't think it's fair to say that those who participate in "cocktail chatter" are often less intelligent. Less intelligent than what? than who? I'm sure that many, many 'light conversationalists' have deep, meaningful lives.

 

And I am always offended at fat references. That stereotype that fat people are not as good as anyone, or are less intelligent than most people is load of hogwash. Size doesn't matter any more than race. People used to believe that black people were too stupid to function on their own and needed masters. And that women were not as smart as men and not capable of understanding much.

 

I know, I know - Tony didn't mean to slam "people of size" (which is what my sis-in-law used to call herself), but it irks me more when it isn't even recognized as stereotyping.

[Jonny Boy]

I am of a similar frame of mind as Guest and Oliver; I love debates on worldly significant topics, and I love to just talk with people on the same wavelength. I have always been told by my family and friends that "I talk too OLD for my age (19)", and that I should take "things less seriously". Well I don't mean to burst anyone's bubble, but I only have one life, and I'm not prepared to waste one second of it with idle drivvel.

 

That said, I've found that the best way to both contemplate confucian ideals, and just chill whilst talking to anyone, is to work the conversation around their level of interest.

 

If, for example, you are talking to a "jock", do not allow yourself to pawn him off as just a meathead, these people usually work so hard on themselves, that they could probably speak for America on topics like: nutrition, healthy living, motivation, sports psychology, etc. On the other end of the spectrum, so called "nerds" can be quite insightful, on the more academic subjects, as well as the theoretical.

 

" The quickest way to success, is to make people believe you are playing on their terms, whilst playing on your own."

 

The most "deep" people I know, are oftentimes loners, this is due to a lot of time spent thinking introspectively.

 

The key to getting along with most people (some just don't want to know), is to be open-minded, and to be willing to ACCEPT (not expect) the unexpected.

 

Do not frustrate yourself by trying to get the "immovable minds" mobile, "There are those that are immovable, there are those that are movable, and there are those that move".

[Ant24]

I don't agree that light conversationalists are less intelligent. In most cases they are MORE, because of a simple reason: They manage to talk a lot of stuff that's total BS and nonsense, but still people are interested in what they say and they are ''popular'', even though this light conversationalists do not reveal anything vital about themselves (personal beliefs on serious matters, for example). Talking BS and being liked is a talent.

 

I use the word ''BS'' in not a sarcastic manner. Most might understand what I want to say (sorry, english is a second language for me).

[Jorobot]

I consider myself pretty intelligent. I enjoy talking about physics, philosophy, politics, and the like. But people who will go on and on about a single subject for hours seem extremely arrogant and boring. People at casual parties aren't usually looking for those types of discussions; they want to relax and enjoy themselves, and they can't do that when they are involved in a really serious debate. You have to be able to take it in stride, to both talk about your interests, and the interests of the person you are talking to. It is possible to have light conversation proving or disproving the existence of God; you just can't be too emotionally involved in the subject matter.