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I feel trapped...


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I have a mountain of stuff that I want to get off my chest, and I don't feel that I have anyone I can spill my troubles to, so I'm hoping somebody here will listen. I'm sorry if this seems like desperate ramblings, but I've had this all built up inside me for so long...

 

I'm 26 years old, male, and currently a senior in college, have had one real relationship that lasted just about a year, and am still a virgin.

 

My last relationship ended about three years ago, and I feel like I've been slowly regressing ever since. Now, I've always been pretty shy, never real popular growing up; a social outcast if you will. My previous relationship was with a girl a had known for two years prior to anything intimate. As my first real female friend, and one of the closest friendships I have had, she taught me so much about myself, gave me more confidence than I'd ever thought possible, and generally made me feel like a million bucks - pretty typical stuff, right? There was no actual sex, as she wanted to save it for marriage, but there was plenty of messing around. Anyway, she broke up with me twice over the course of the relationship, which I got over pretty quickly the second time around. And although there are no lasting hard feelings between us, we don't speak anymore. I do miss the friendship.

 

So what's my deal? Since then, I've been turning into more of a social recluse than I've ever been. I moved away from most of my friends to go to a University about 100 miles from my hometown about two years ago. Things were alright at first: I tried to engage in a few social events, made some acquaintances, and generally felt pretty good about things.

 

Then, things started to change. I moved out of the dorms - which I initially stayed in to keep myself uncomfortable and hopefully interact with others - and got an apartment with a roommate. The school work load got heavier(as expected), but being the natural social-phobe that I am, I began to use it as an excuse to stay at home. My habits for the past year have usually involved me going to school where I interact with few people, and then coming home where I lock myself in my room for the rest of the day. It's become so common place that I don't really know what to do otherwise.

 

Here's my problem: I'm a giant ball of contradictions. I recognize when people have reached out to me, but, at the time I normally reject them. Then I feel depressed when I feel like nobody likes me. I can see all this, and yet, I don't know how to stop it.

 

I so desperately want a relationship with somebody, but I'm picky. I've known three girls who were interested in me over the past year, but I'm really not attracted to them.

 

I know the rules of the game, but I have a hard time putting them to use. My problems growing up have always been eye contact/body language, confidence, and pessimism - all giant turn-offs to most people for sure - and recognizing these problems, I've tried my hardest to rectify them.

 

I try to put on a show of confidence, but I know that deep down inside I just can't seem to really get it. And why? I recognize the positive qualities about myself, but there hasn't been anything recently in my life to reinforce them, so it's just my own encouragement I can offer myself.

 

I'm not positive how I come off to other girls, but given the knack of most women for these things, I'm sure this lack of confidence sticks through like a sore thumb. I'm short at 5'5", and have some pretty noticeable acne scars on my cheeks, but am otherwise pretty decent looking. I try to cast these aside issues, but end up being really self conscious about them, although I don't tell anybody.

 

My biggest problem is...I don't really take any risks. I don't feel like rejection would hurt me that badly, but I can't bring myself to talk to most women about anything other than the trivial - often times I don't even know where to begin, and so I don't. I make excuses for my lack of trying. Stuff like: I don't have enough money to be in a relationship, or this person probably wouldn't like me anyway since I'm short.

 

Then, when nobody notices me, any of my positive efforts seem useless, which in turn makes trying seem, well, pointless. Can you see my problem as I can? I think I've fallen into a cycle of self-defeat. I have a general idea of whats wrong, but I'm so unfamiliar with the success that comes with doing whats "right" that I really don't know what to do. I feel lost, confused, trapped and dreadfully alone.

 

I don't want pity or any such thing, I just want to know how to escape. I want to know where to begin.

 

Can anyone give me some words of wisdom, prodding, advice, or anything?

 

Thanks for reading about my troubles. It certainly felt good to let them out in some manner.

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sounds like you are traped in fear. Do you overly concentrate on yourself? if so, then try to look around, focus on others' need

 

I prayed lot about this to God in my past, then slowly deliverance came to me

 

One thing I know if you dedicate to change and knock a door, you will change and door will open to you

 

there are many good books talk about this, especially I liked Joyce Meyer's messages, here is another one I didn't look yet, but sounds like it can help

 

Finding Peace Workbook: God's Promise of a Life Free from Regret, Anxiety, and Fear (Kindle Edition)

by Charles F. Stanley (Author)

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Recognize that the trap is of your own making, and that it is completely within your power to escape it.

 

Practice socializing with people you come in contact with, in the course of your day. Such as grocery store clerks. When they start checking your stuff, look them straight in the eye, say hello and smile. People read your face to determine who they're dealing with. They are looking for kindness and compassion. Keep that in mind as you interact with them.

 

And realize that the older you get, the more comfortable in your own skin you will become. Give yourself some time.

 

One more crucial thing - DO WHAT YOU LOVE. This overrides everything else. When you are actively engaged in activities you enjoy the most, you are the most natural, the real "you." This bleeds over into interactions with others. When you (and everyone else around you) is focused on the activity (and not on each other), the interaction is completely natural. You don't even have to think about it.

 

Good luck - and I hope you realize that many, many others go through this in young adulthood. You sound pretty normal to me.

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First of all...just breathe...

You're over-analyzing yourself and pay too much attention to your weaknesses. The attitude of a confident guy is "I don't give a .." Not in a bad disrespectful way, but in a assured "I will go for it no matter the outcome" type of way.

 

Let me tell you something, I feel for a guy that was a total nerdy, unattractive, messy, outcast type of guy only because he had so much confidence. This guy blew me away, he was brilliant, sensitive, honest and so sure of his inner self that I couldn't resist. Until this day I remember him.

 

My point is, it doesn't matter what you look like, what you did in your past, or didn't do or what will happen in the future. THe only thing that matters is right NOW. Everyday wake up thinking you are an amazing person, on a mission to become a greater person. YOu know your weaknesses so work on that, but also take pride in your strenghts. Your humility to point out your weaknesses, the fact that you must be a sincere, caring person and value friendship, etc....fill in the blank.

 

Look at yourself with pride for all the great things you really are and play off of that with a girl. Take it easy when you approach someone, and just be honest and yourself. If you get rejected, SO WHAT! The more you put yourself out there, the more confidence you will get. Have a positive attitude! Optimism is very attractive. And far as your friends, is time to get in touch with them and bring them back into your life.

 

And don't feel bad about being a virgin...I'm 27 and still one...SO WHAT! :)

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