I need responses!

[nashua]

Lately I've been suffering from insecurity. It's been really really bad.

 

Here's my story....from where I think it all began.

 

I was in a relationship with an older man. I was 25 he was 46. We had a sexually charged relationship. It wasn't all sex, but it was alot. We had a lot of fun together. I got along great w/ his 2 kids. I was falling in love and thought I could settle with this one. He told me he was "not the marrying kind" but I stuck around. About 7 months into the relationship, he cheated on me with a woman from Puerto Rico while he was there on business. He told me about it immediately. He told me he hoped i could forgive him, but he understood if I needed to leave the relationship. I didn't. I stayed, and we worked through it. About 3 months after that, I became needy and wanted more of a commitment. Expressing this to him was what he called Ickey. He rapidly distanced himself from me until that fateful day wen he said, it is over. I was devestated. For the next few weeks we kept in touch, me usually trying to get him back. There were a lot of tears, occasional sex but no reconciling.

About a month into our breakup, I heard through the small town grapevine that he was seeing another woman. He was pretty quiet about revealing her identity. Turns out it was a 19 year old girl whom he knew because it was his ex wifes best friends daughter. He knew her when she was in the womb, and this sickens me a bit. Early in their relationship, He continued to have contact w/ me. Then they became serious and I was heartbroken. I always thought there was hope for us. She practically moved in to his home, but then he started sleeping w/ me again, telling me he was unsure and just didnt know about it. We slept together for another few months until she finally found out. She found out because I was also sleeping w/ her ex (we'd been friends for a long time and had a relationship years ago...small town) and he told her. When she found out, he and his friends got upset w/ me and completely cut me off. It was a total disaster. She told him he couldn't even look at me, and she not only stayed with him, but married him. I was a total mess. I decided to move out of the area, not only to get away from thie mess, but because I needed to focus on my future. I wrote him a long, solid letter of closure and apology, with no return address. I was wiping my hands of him. Right before i moved away, I found myself in another affair with a married man. I was 26, he was 55. It was very intense and passionate and very real. I moved anyway, because I didn't really see us going anywhere, but we kept it going. After about a year of a long distance affair, he told his wife about us. Then he left her. We continued to have a long distance relationship for another 2 years until i finally quit my not so good job and moved back to the small town, which was about 4 weeks ago.

Now I'm back. I'm doing nothing with my time. I am afraid to show my face in town because of the "homewrecking" reputation I have. I am thinking about going back to school to get a Master's in counseling. I spend my days cooped up inside, watching crap TV, getting stoned. I have very low self confidence and self esteem. I feel I have no worth, and am trying to snap out of it. We just signed a lease on a new house that i'm less than excited to move into. I think of all the broken relationships i had in this small town, run into people who admit to being judgemental (if I do go out). I feel like a complete failure. i have no friends here anymore. Most of my good friends are far away, engaged, married or have children. A part of me wants to go back to where I just moved from, but it has always been a financial burden and I didn't have many friends there either. Another part of me wants to stay here w/ my man, and get over my insecurities but when I think about lon term living here, I feel sick and think it will be tumultuous to my esteem. I think I'll continue to feel ashamed and just keep beating myself down to severe depression.

 

I don't know what to do. My man cannot leave here. He owns a very stable business which he shres w/ ex wife. They will not sell the business either.

 

I'm so depressed, feel i have HUGE problems. i used to be this carefree outgoing dose of sunshine with confidence overflowing from me. I had a lot of friends, and couldn't care less what others thought of me. Now I'm the complete opposite. I compare myself to everyone and feel I have no worth.

 

Please share some advice for me. I'm desperate.

[Yosef]

I can feel your pain. I could feel it by the way you wrote.

 

So, you are trying to choose from two things: Leaving your bf, therefore leaving your town, or staying with your bf and being stuck in your town.

 

You can either: a) Leave your past and present behind and move on toward a future but leave your love. b) Continue to remain in a town that makes your life a living hell of memories, guilt, hate, and overall depression, but remain with your lover.

 

IMHO, you need to look at perspective on your future. You were already doing that! I decided to move out of the area, not only to get away from thie mess, but because I needed to focus on my future.

 

You fell in love and back into the hell you ran away from. What good is love that brings hatred?

 

YOU CAN'T KEEP LIVING LIKE THIS! What good is the life you have if you spend it DEAD!? Why should you live with love that only brings you pain?

 

I want to tell you, you're a good person, you've done the right things. You've moved on from your past, that is very good. That man you were with before is a very big cheeter, you are NOT.

 

Unfortunately, you can't keep sulking. You feel it's the only thing you can do, the only thing that brings you comfort is the discomfort, unable to escape the binding chains that keep you tied to the city that you're unhappy with.

 

You need to QUIT beating yourself up. If you beat yourself up, you don't have the energy to beat everything else up! Fight against the pain, not yourself. Nobody pays to see someone fight themselves. Everybody pays to see a fight where the underdog takes on the reigning champ! Don't disappoint the audience! Fight your depression!

 

Fight for yourself, not against yourself!

[Lovegod]

I think your problems are beyond what an internet message forum can help with. I'd suggest going to your doctor, telling them about your depression, and getting some therapy.

 

I would also seriously reconsider being involved with a guy who shares a business with his ex. You're just asking for more drama.

[uniqueone]

 

 

I want to tell you, you're a good person, you've done the right things. You've moved on from your past, that is very good.

 

I disagree with this part because I think she's just switched who the person was. Moving on from her past would mean not getting into these types of relationships anymore.

The one she's in now is no better than the one she was in before. It's a relationship that started with cheating....the man was married.....a 55 year old MM cheating on his W with a 26 year old OW. That's NOT the start of a healthy relationship and that is NOT a decent guy to be with.

 

The answer isn't in where she should live or who she should live with...the answer is what caused the behavior to happen in the first place. What is causing the OP to be attracted to these men and these situations. If she doesn't figure out that, then nothing else about the situation matters. None of the details or technicalities matter so there's no point in discussing them. She needs to get to the root of it all or it will never end.

 

So CairoDancer, do you want a band-aid fix or a fix for good? One is easy and one is hard. A lot of people will keep taking the easy fixes over and over again until they find out that it's much more worth it to take the hard fix instead. But it's your choice.

 

And also, CD, are you willing to stand on your own two feet?

[Yosef]

I disagree with this part because I think she's just switched who the person was. Moving on from her past would mean not getting into these types of relationships anymore.

 

Good point.

[nashua]

I disagree with this part because I think she's just switched who the person was. Moving on from her past would mean not getting into these types of relationships anymore.

The one she's in now is no better than the one she was in before. It's a relationship that started with cheating....the man was married.....a 55 year old MM cheating on his W with a 26 year old OW. That's NOT the start of a healthy relationship and that is NOT a decent guy to be with.

 

The answer isn't in where she should live or who she should live with...the answer is what caused the behavior to happen in the first place. What is causing the OP to be attracted to these men and these situations. If she doesn't figure out that, then nothing else about the situation matters. None of the details or technicalities matter so there's no point in discussing them. She needs to get to the root of it all or it will never end.

 

So CairoDancer, do you want a band-aid fix or a fix for good? One is easy and one is hard. A lot of people will keep taking the easy fixes over and over again until they find out that it's much more worth it to take the hard fix instead. But it's your choice.

 

And also, CD, are you willing to stand on your own two feet?

 

I am willing to stand on my own two feet. This, more than anything, is what I want to be able to do. But I did just move back. I've had a couple of job interviews, but none of thm pulled through. I consider leaving....just moving out of this town, maybe even this sate...and go to Colorado and be w/ some friends...I love the idea, but I do not love the idea of leaving my man. I know he sounds like bad news because of the affair, but honestly....he and his ex are better now than ever. I'm on good terms w/ her, and their children. So HE is not the problem. But do see where you're coming from. It looks like I have a routine of getting involved w/ the wrong man.

 

Do you think all of this negative self talk is just from shame and guilt? If so, how can i get over it? My man and his ex swear that noone gives a s--t about it anymore, but I canot help but feel so crappy about myself.

 

Maybe i just need to move on? I can't even imageine though...because I really love my boyfried. He is wonderful, amazing, supportive, loveing, funny, sexy...all those things. I know the age difference seems too much (now I'm 30 and he's 59) but for some reason, it really works! I understand the disbelief. I can't help but feel like maybe I should be dating someone my own age, looking to get married and have a family. Having a family is not something I've ever really wanted though, but the older I get, and the more my friends are doing it, the more I reconsider. I live unconventionally, obviously, and i dont want to get sucked into that whole marriage/family thing if it dosn't truly resonate w/ me, you knw?

 

Yeah, maybe i should seek the advice from a professional. I just want to be confident and outgoing again, and not ashamed of myself, what i look like, and I dont want to continue comparing myself to others.

[uniqueone]

I am willing to stand on my own two feet. This, more than anything, is what I want to be able to do. But I did just move back. I've had a couple of job interviews, but none of thm pulled through.

 

KEEP trying. Make it a point to look everyday for jobs. Set yourself up on job reminder lists so that they email you when there are openings that meet your job criteria. Get serious about it.

I consider leaving....just moving out of this town, maybe even this sate...and go to Colorado and be w/ some friends...I love the idea, but I do not love the idea of leaving my man. I know he sounds like bad news because of the affair, but honestly....he and his ex are better now than ever. I'm on good terms w/ her, and their children. So HE is not the problem. But do see where you're coming from. It looks like I have a routine of getting involved w/ the wrong man.

 

He might "seem" ok...but he's not. You said that you know he sounds like bad news but that he (and his ex) are better now than ever.

 

That doesn't really say much.

 

Let's make up a scenario. Let's say a guy has been physically abusive to a woman. A few months later she says "I know he sounds like bad news but he's better now than ever."

 

Does that tell you very much??? Maybe he's just pushing her now instead of slapping her, right?

 

My point is, your perspective is skewed and it really can't be taken as a solid one because you have been in a screwed up relationship too long. He's a cheater. This formed the basis of your relationship. That's how the relationship is skewed and how your view of it is not clear. I don't care if he's nice. If he's as nice as you've had, then you've had some pretty bad relationships and have no good basis for comparison.

 

Do you think all of this negative self talk is just from shame and guilt? If so, how can i get over it? My man and his ex swear that noone gives a s--t about it anymore, but I canot help but feel so crappy about myself.

 

Shame and guilt don't have that much to do with what others think...they have more to do with what you think. That's why it doesn't matter that "noone give a s--t about it anymore". Shame and guilt travel WITH you because they're part of you....independent of what others think. They're based on how you feel about yourself and how it compares to the moral code you ascribe to. If there's a difference between your behavior and your moral code, you'll feel guilt and shame (no matter what others think).

 

 

maybe I should be dating someone my own age, looking to get married and have a family. Having a family is not something I've ever really wanted though, but the older I get, and the more my friends are doing it, the more I reconsider. I live unconventionally, obviously, and i dont want to get sucked into that whole marriage/family thing if it dosn't truly resonate w/ me, you knw?

 

Whoa...whoa...whoa......."the more my friends ar doing it, the more I reconsider...." Those are not words that I want to hear, CD. Do not....I repeat...DO NOT...get married or have kids because your friends are doing it. Divorce lawyers are salivating at those very words you just uttered. And do NOT do that to children. It's one thing to screw up your own life, but do not screw up a child's just so that you can do whatever everyone else is doing. I can not emphasize this enough.

 

 

Yeah, maybe i should seek the advice from a professional. I just want to be confident and outgoing again, and not ashamed of myself, what i look like, and I dont want to continue comparing myself to others.

 

When did this change start and what do you think precipitated it?