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Neediness issue?


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Old 17th October 2006, 4:32 PM   #1
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Neediness issue?

I haven't been here in what seems like a long long time.

I have recently been awakened to an issue that was brought to my attention about myself.

I am having a little problem with believing and agreeing with the the issue posed to me. So please give me your opinion and/or explanation if you have one.

Situation:

It was brought to my awareness last night that TCK was hurt by my actions. I was surprised to figure this out because I understood his actions differently.

When TCK and I reconnected in July it was really nice for that month. Come August and September the amount of time he had for me became less and less so I assumed he was doing the same thing as last summer and I was once again not important to him and I was being used by him.

So I chose to move in a different direction after not seeing him for 6 weeks. During those 6 weeks he called me about 3 times. I decided I wasn't gong to invest myself anymore and focus too much on him because I wasn't seeing him as being into me enough to make a stronger effort to make time for us to spend some quality time together.

I choose to give Charlie a chance to express himself since he had been asking for so long to let him prove himself to me.
Charlie has been wonderful to me, He has been fulfilling everything he said he was able too and he has not faltered. He has been loving, affectionate, communicative, fun, funny, attentive, he lets me breath and I need it and he has compromised with me on things to have a balance which I am comfortable with. There is so much more but I think you all get the point.. He has been amazing and wonderful.

Now TCK, he is figuring out that he has lost me to someone else. I haven't accepted his last 3 offers to be with him. We have spoken on the phone but there is a change in me. He said he has noticed in my words and lack of openness that I am wondering elsewhere for my attention, affection, and needs.

He really expressed himself last night and shared his opinion that he doesn't think I can be trusted. He thinks I should have waited for him to have the time for me and I shouldn't have been a chicken shioyt to call him when I really needed to connect with him.

He said that I am not healed. He said my wounds of my past are affecting my life and that I'm not allowing myself to grow and heal through the pain but I'm medicating myself by moving on and not facing the real problems that are inside of me. He seems to believe that I am making my choices on 'compensating' behaviors to kill my internal pain of feeling alone, bored, loneliness, anxiety, abandonment, neglect.

I think there maybe a little bit of truth in what he said then again I wonder if its just his way of trying to get me to conform to what he wants in a relationship.

His need for time together isn't as great as mine. I like to be close with my partner, I like to share quality time often and his occupation (work) takes up A LOT of his time.

I don't feel I can compete with his occupation. I want more time with him. I have always been absolutely crazy over him, yet, I can't stand waiting around for him to have time for me.

So I moved back to a man who has time for me, makes the time for me, shares his life with me, shares quality time with me and other things.

Am I being selfish?
Am I only thinking about my needs?
Is this co-dependent behavior?

Or

Is this me knowing what my needs are?
Is this me being true to myself?
Is this me choosing someone who is able to provide for me the essential needs that make me comfortable and at peace in a relationship.

Or

Is it a little bit of both?

I feel really bad that I turned away from him and it caused him to be disappointed and hurt. I really care about him a lot and I really wanted to be with him.
Yet, I couldn't get the quality time I needed with him and the contact in a manner which was predictable and expected.

I'm a little troubled over this because I don't like hurting people and I never intended to hurt him. I didn't think he cared enough to really care whether or not I moved on or not.

He and I have a friendship. We have a connection that is very powerful. Yet, I can't sit and wait for days and weeks for him to come to me. Panic, abandonment, anxiety, fear, frustration, loneliness, and negative thinking kick in and I can't focus on anything but him. My feelings and moods become unbalanced and I feel out of control.

I have many opinions about myself and I don't know what is true.

Am I medicating myself with Charlie because he numbs my pain.
Is this a result of my co-dependent habits?
Is this a result of TCK playing with my head and emotions?

TCK is not a man who expresses his emotions. He is reserved and believes that a man is in control of himself, handles and deals with his own problems without pulling in other people to share the burden or assist. So for him to express what he did last night was immense.
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Old 17th October 2006, 4:40 PM   #2
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Is this a result of TCK playing with my head and emotions?

BINGO.......go NC.

And you are not exactly being fair to Charlie with this intimate / emotional contact with mr. mysteryharddick.

Are you having an EA with this guy or what? And Charlie had trust issues with women in his life..... and now will have more if he gets wind of this.
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Old 17th October 2006, 4:42 PM   #3
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If a man doesn't have (or make) any time in 6 weeks to see you and be with you, then what kind of relationship does he want to have with you? What does he see for your future together? Is that always what it's going to be like - you waiting for him to give you a tiny little scrap of his precious time?

Unless you're long distance, 6 weeks is a looooong time to be unable to make plans with you. If he can't schedule you in and then plan his obligations around you, then what do you have to look forward to?

I will agree with him and say that turning to another man without telling him of your feelings and intentions first, isn't the best way to handle things. You had every right to express your unhappiness with his lack of attention to you. You had every right to tell him that you need to actually see him and spend time together, and if he wasn't capable of managing that, that you'd have to end things with him. Then, you move on.
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Old 17th October 2006, 4:43 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by a4a View Post
Are you having an EA with this guy or what?
I've had a EA with him since I met him..
He captivates me. He intrigues me. He keeps me interested. He's gorgeous. He's sexy as hell to me.

OMG I'm in trouble aint I?
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Old 17th October 2006, 4:44 PM   #5
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Eh. I don't know much about this dating stuff. But I've been reading way too much about emotionally unavailable men and TCK sounds like one of them.

And maybe all that crap he was throwing at you about not being healed is really just him projecting. Perhaps it's a little true, but he's not really going to make it better for you because he's probably got the same problem.

I mean you're worrying about being needy and selfish. But this guy disappears for 6 weeks and only called you 3 times? No one is that busy.
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Old 17th October 2006, 4:47 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by padameckla View Post
I've had a EA with him since I met him..
He captivates me. He intrigues me. He keeps me interested. He's gorgeous. He's sexy as hell to me.

OMG I'm in trouble aint I?
The guy is just toying with you and will probably pop a woody if he can get you away from Charlie. This guy actually sounds like a complete *******.

Maybe he was toying with some other woman during those 6 weeks, then gets bored and plays with you.

Dime store shrink arrives on the scene : Does mystery man remind you of a certain male in your life from your past?........think about it. Perhaps you want a little closure on other issues in your life and this guy is just playing a role to fulfill that?
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Old 17th October 2006, 4:49 PM   #7
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TCK and I live approx. 32 miles apart and whenever we did see each other it was late in the evening and it was me who always drove to his place. He has only been to my place 2x's since we've met.

He has a complaint about me living in an apt. He doesn't like apts.
Whatever!!

I do agree is is emotionally unavailable.

NORA--Your right about the way I handled the situation
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Old 17th October 2006, 4:51 PM   #8
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A fondness for emotionally unavailable men/commitmentphobes usually results from having an emotionally unavailable and/or abusive father.

This isn't that hard to figure out...
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Old 17th October 2006, 4:51 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by a4a View Post
Dime store shrink arrives on the scene : Does mystery man remind you of a certain male in your life from your past?........think about it. Perhaps you want a little closure on other issues in your life and this guy is just playing a role to fulfill that?
yeah my father when i was a child
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Old 17th October 2006, 4:53 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by padameckla View Post
TCK and I live approx. 32 miles apart and whenever we did see each other it was late in the evening and it was me who always drove to his place. He has only been to my place 2x's since we've met.

He has a complaint about me living in an apt. He doesn't like apts.
Whatever!!

I do agree is is emotionally unavailable.

NORA--Your right about the way I handled the situation
If he actually had feelings for you he would walk to your abode if need be and would be happy to share time with you in your abode even if it was a cardboard box under a f-ing bridge.
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Old 17th October 2006, 4:57 PM   #11
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Pad- If someone else here was posting the same dilemma- what would you tell them to do?
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Old 17th October 2006, 4:58 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by padameckla View Post
yeah my father when i was a child
well solve that issue and maybe you can have a male in your life that you allow to actually treat you with kindness and compassion.

Damn Pada..... your dad was not a good role model to base your future prospect upon....... and it is ok to say "you sucked as a parent, and you hurt me".....wishing things were different does not make them different, and that was your past....... this is today and without toxic influences/control (by your choice) as an adult you have the right to be happy and fulfill your desires.
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Old 17th October 2006, 5:00 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by a4a View Post
well solve that issue and maybe you can have a male in your life that you allow to actually treat you with kindness and compassion.
Do you know how many times that has been said to her?
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Old 17th October 2006, 5:22 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by a4a View Post
well solve that issue and maybe you can have a male in your life that you allow to actually treat you with kindness and compassion.

Damn Pada..... your dad was not a good role model to base your future prospect upon....... and it is ok to say "you sucked as a parent, and you hurt me".....wishing things were different does not make them different, and that was your past....... this is today and without toxic influences/control (by your choice) as an adult you have the right to be happy and fulfill your desires.
my issue with my father has been confronted. He and I have had it out on this subject. He knows how I feel and how I felt as a child. He has apoligized for his absence and inability to be a father.
He and I are close now yet I choose to stay distant because he is very negative and likes to complain constantly and bring others into his negative emotions. He is good at pulling people in.. I feel sorry for the nurses that have to work with him every day.

Its the habits I created in order to survive since I was a child that is manifesting problems in my adult life. My beliefs as a child aren't working as well anymore.
Co-dependents feel the need to do-do-do-do-do for everyone to make everyone happy while sacraficing our our needs in order to have approval and acceptance from others. I know how this is. I am a classic co-dependent and I recognized the obvious behavior.
I don't recognise the suble behaviors I do that keep that approval method going until I'm caught up in it and find myself in a situation where I'm not getting the satisfaction I'm seeking.

So the behavorial habits developed from my father being an *******, hurting me, abandoning me, degrading me etc etc is still wrecking havoc on my life. It is a cycle that is very hard to break.
It's a lifetime of changes..
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Old 17th October 2006, 6:40 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by padameckla View Post
He said that I am not healed. He said my wounds of my past are affecting my life and that I'm not allowing myself to grow and heal through the pain but I'm medicating myself by moving on and not facing the real problems that are inside of me. He seems to believe that I am making my choices on 'compensating' behaviors to kill my internal pain of feeling alone, bored, loneliness, anxiety, abandonment, neglect.
I agree with TCK. However, I think he might have ulterior motives in advising you of all this stuff. So it's sort of a weird situation because he has a point, but he might be letting you know because of selfish reasons.
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