Feeling lost with my bf's alcoholic intake

[classicrockjunkie]

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost 7 1/2 years now. I have been planning on moving in with him for a long time and am suppose to make the move next week. But I am completely dreading it. He has been diagnosed with schizoid personality disorder, social anxiety, and depression. In order to try and fight these illnesses, he has been prescribed many different medications throughout the years.

 

Once he finds one that actually helps, he abuses it by taking extremely high doses of all medications as well as drinking massive amounts of alcohol in combination with his medications. These drug binges of his last from at least two-five days. When he is on one of these binges, he gets verbally nasty with whomever he can, whether it be me, his family, or his friends. Every time he goes on a drug binge, his verbal insults get worse and worse.

 

No matter what anyone says or does, in his mind, we are the ones wronging him and making every situation he gets into worse while high/drunk. I've taken bottles of alcohol and poured them down the drain. He just goes out and buys more. He is very aware that he has a problem with substances, but refuses to seek professional help in getting clean. He tried one meeting at AA and never went back, claiming it felt like a cult and wasn't for him.

 

I've asked him if he would consider rehab, he refuses that because he believes it will make his battle with mental illnesses worse. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should go ahead with the move in or not. He feels that once I move in, his substance abuse will decrease because someone will be there to keep an eye on his substance intake. But I can't keep and eye on him all the time as I work full time.

 

I would love to see him get professional help in treating his addictions as well as finding holistic methods of coping with his mental illness, but I'm seeing that's never going to happen.

 

I don't know where else to turn or what to do. Anyone with any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Edited April 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mr.Me]

You aren't helping him....Your enabling him.

Get it?

 

As long as your willing to put up with it, it won't change. It's possible it won't change after that either..

 

Why would you stick around with someone that won't fix his problem? Are you scared of being single? Of being alone or on your own? Do you have depression yourself or self esteem issues that might be making you feel like you can't get a better boyfriend?

[d0nnivain]

Go to an Al-Anon meeting before you move in. It's a support group for people in love with addicts. Learn about his behavior & yours before you get in so deep you can't get out.

[preraph]

Hi. Listen, his mental illness is a bad one. There is no medicine that directly treats SPD, though some help with some of the symptoms. But it will not make it go away. Be sure you've read up on it. It doesn't make for a good partner.

 

There is no way you should move in together. It is unlikely he is ever going to get appreciably better. He undoubtedly has social issues and may have other mental illness types as well as this one. Why put yourself through this?

 

You cannot help him. It's possible that no one can help him, especially since like 80 percent of mental patients, he too doesn't take his meds as prescribed to help himself. Nothing you can do about that.

 

Please just put some distance between you and him and don't have kids with him. Don't move in. You can love someone without being able to make a life with them. Happens all the time. Don't feel bad about it. He likely hasn't much empathy, due to his illness, so you shouldn't feel bad doing what's right for you. Don't you deserve a better life and life partner than this? SPD are usually apathetic. They may only feel sorry for themselves and not bad for you anyway.

 

I would back out of this relationship. That's my best advice. He won't change and you can't change people anyway. He's not trying to help himself. He probably really only cares about himself except for what other people can do FOR him.

[Orokotikki]

What horrible thing do you imagine you have done to sign yourself up for this mess?

 

Please for your own sake. Dump him and run. At very most leave him with "Call me if you ever get serious about getting sober."

 

Do you want a BF or to babysit a drug addict manchild?

[Mr. Lucky]

First off, welcome to Loveshack. Sorry it's under these circumstances.

 

He feels that once I move in, his substance abuse will decrease because someone will be there to keep an eye on his substance intake.

 

Well, since you posted this...

 

I've taken bottles of alcohol and poured them down the drain. He just goes out and buys more.

 

...I don't see how your supervision could have any impact.

 

Your BF isn't posting here, my advice is for you. He may not be willing to attend AA, but you should go to Al-Anon meetings, support for those dealing with an addict or alcoholic. Lesson One is the three C's -

 

- you didn't Cause

- you can't Control

- you won't Cure

 

You seem classically co-dependent, firmly enmeshed is his drinking, prescription abuse and dysfunction. He'll never have a chance to take back his life until you take control of yours, which means removing yourself from the obviously unhealthy dynamic of his drinking and your support. To put it bluntly, you're harming more than helping him, not an act of love or assistance.

 

Go to a meeting and then post back here. I think - and hope - you'd find some clarity obviously missing from you current situation...

 

Mr. Lucky

[JuneL]

There is nothing you can do for HIM. But for your own sake, get out of this mess ASAP.

[mark clemson]

Agreeing with all the above - walk away from this and restructure your life as best you can. Possibly you will be able to help him as a tangential person in his life, but be sure to live your own without him. Give yourself the permission and space to move on with someone who isn't such a mess.

 

You should consider what mindset, attitudes, or philosophy made you romanticize or feel attraction to a person like this in the first place. Perhaps you are young, but getting hurt (sometimes quite badly) by people like this is a lesson that trains most of us to not start a relationship with them in the first place. Teach yourself to walk away from, not towards, the major red flags.

[BaileyB]

Go to an Al-Anon meeting. You have a lot to learn about living with a man who has an addiction to alcohol.

 

You have stayed for seven and a half years with a man who has a serious mental illness and an alcohol addiction - two things that would be automatic dealbreakers for most people. Really think about that, before you chose to move in with this guy and invest more of your time and money with an unhealthy and unstable partner.

[S2B]

Alcohol is a depressant - and the drugs he takes make it so that you don’t even know who he is. Not the real him.

 

My suggestion? Leave him. You’ve wasted more than 7 years with someone you don’t know.

 

Alcoholism affect a person mentally and physically. And you can’t force him to get help.

 

Speaking from someone in long term recovery - this is better if you walk away - mainly because you want him to change... it’s HIM who needs that willingness.

 

Your life will be miserable if you stay.

[BaileyB]

Once he finds one that actually helps, he abuses it by taking extremely high doses of all medications as well as drinking massive amounts of alcohol in combination with his medications. These drug binges of his last from at least two-five days. When he is on one of these binges, he gets verbally nasty with whomever he can, whether it be me, his family, or his friends. Every time he goes on a drug binge, his verbal insults get worse and worse.

 

Let’s call a spade a spade, when he is on one of these binges, he is abusive.

 

I've asked him if he would consider rehab, he refuses that because he believes it will make his battle with mental illnesses worse.

 

In other words, he is choosing to self medicate with alcohol.

 

You realize of course, that prescription medication and alcohol don’t mix. There is always the risk of accidental overdose, that he could cause serious injury or death while driving under the influence... The risk of premature death is HIGH, and it could be related to any number of causes.

 

That is a stressful way to live your life, dealing with the ups and downs, waiting for the next show to drop, bouncing in and out of hospital/treatment, employment/unemployment, etc... The incidence of mental illness and addiction among the homeless population is extremely high. Not to be pessimistic, but it’s a downward spiral for many.

Edited April 27, 2019 by BaileyB

[darkmoon]

So when and how did the relationship turn from enjoyable dates into this mess?

 

 

And do not pay for his rent and food, do not move in until he has held a job down for 6 months, for he must mature first, imho,

 

 

 

Sorry, but the idea that you must supervise his addictions and thus rescue him if you live together tells me of a lack of self-reliance, which is quite a key rite of passage towards adulthood, so he has yet to prove himself, imho.

Edited April 27, 2019 by darkmoon

[Simple Logic]

7-1/2 years of observing this behavior should have long ago convinced you that it is not improving and has declining. Way past time for you to move on.

[Marc878]

You are setting yourself up for failure.

 

You can't fix this.

 

He will only drag you down with him.

 

Wake up

[Robert]

seems the thread starter was a drive by, closed until they return. If they would like the thread re-opened then alert on my post and we will do so, thanks all who gave the thread starter great advice.