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Wife injured while intoxicated


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I know my wife has a drinking problem but it only comes in spurts where she will get belligerent on occassion but has resulted in her having to go to hospital 5 times over 7 years from passing out in public or injuring herself while intoxicated. I know I have played a role in enabling her to avoid further conflict.

 

Two nights ago after almost a bottle of wine she wanted me to get her more which i refused for a while until she finally went on her own and come back with 1.5L bottle. After drinking most of that bottle she apparently slipped in way to bathroom destroying her knee. She refused to go to hospital that night because she didn't not want to wake kids and didnt want to go by ambulance. We went the next day to the ER where they could only do an stay but said there was probably some sort tissue damage and sent us home.

 

At this point i am having to take care of her and things around the house. I dont mind helping but the cycle is getting old. She normally doesnt do much around house but having to take care of her takes away from other things that need to get done. My frustration is visible but It almost feels like i am being blamed for her current injury and expected to wait on her without complaint. I know she is hurting and it makes things difficult on her but her actions caused her injury. Is there a way to keep her from pushing her guilt on me and making me feel responsible?

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CautiouslyOptimistic

Why are you enabling her alcoholism? I'd start there. How old is your wife?

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Is there a way to keep her from pushing her guilt on me and making me feel responsible?

 

No. you got to help her stop drinking.

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In-patient detox is likely the only option if into blackout stuff.

 

The husband of my exW's best friend tried everything, including in-patient, interventions, you name it, finally gave up and divorced her after 20 years of M and she died a couple years later, just short of 50, from alcohol-related organ failure. What a waste of a lovely lady but the bottle had her.

 

All I can say is try the options and, if no joy, save yourself. Good luck!

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Wife is 37 and probably has other mental issues. It is easier to give in than face the insults, begging, guilt trips, etc until she gets her way. Things go ok and think we are passed the issue when she gets out of hand again. I hope she is willing to get all the help she needs but domt have much hope and know I am running out of energy yo keep going with cycles. She is mad at the world and taking it out on me for her injury. Do i have a right to be mad? I feel like we pay for these things more than she does because pain is her only consequence.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
Wife is 37 and probably has other mental issues. It is easier to give in than face the insults, begging, guilt trips, etc until she gets her way. Things go ok and think we are passed the issue when she gets out of hand again. I hope she is willing to get all the help she needs but domt have much hope and know I am running out of energy yo keep going with cycles. She is mad at the world and taking it out on me for her injury. Do i have a right to be mad? I feel like we pay for these things more than she does because pain is her only consequence.

 

Because you're enabling her. You need to give her an ultimatum.....get sober or you're out.

 

Like carhill, I have friends who were in a similar situation, although the husband did nothing and continued enabling his wife's behavior......for years and years. Broken bones, lost jobs, excessive/binge spending, obesity, passing out in front of people all the time..... She died of heart failure around age 46 or 47, never having gotten sober. He was too afraid to rock the boat.

 

Is this what you want?

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Wife is 37 and probably has other mental issues. It is easier to give in than face the insults, begging, guilt trips, etc until she gets her way. Things go ok and think we are passed the issue when she gets out of hand again. I hope she is willing to get all the help she needs but domt have much hope and know I am running out of energy yo keep going with cycles. She is mad at the world and taking it out on me for her injury. Do i have a right to be mad? I feel like we pay for these things more than she does because pain is her only consequence.

 

Yes, you have the right to be mad!

 

You are enabling her drinking to continue and putting yourself and your children in a very unhealthy home situation. Either she goes to an inpatient treatment facility, or you leave. That would be my New Years resolution, if I was in your position...

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The only one you can change is you.

 

You take action to help yourself!

 

SHE may get help if you hold her accountable for her actions and lay down consequences... like divorcing her.

 

You can't make her stop. She has to want to do that FOR herself.

 

 

Find a support group like al anon - that may open your eyes.

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Well first of all, thanks for being there for your wife. It appears she might have a problem with alcohol even though she might not be willing to accept that right now. You job as a husband is to take care of her needs so you need to help her physically heal.

 

That being said, excessive drinking by either parent in the house can put children at significant risk. And that should be addressed. Perhaps you should consider talking to a pastor or a counselor about what you can do to effectively address this issue. Dealing with a spouse who might have a drinking problem is very difficult. It is nearly impossible to do without outside help. But, you might find that talking to a professional who deals with these issues can actually help you and eventually your wife arrive at a solution that at least addresses the problem. Unfortunately, if you plan to ignore it, it will not go away on its own. I am praying you find the strength and courage to take the first hard step.

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RecentChange

Please don't tell me that she drove to get that second bottle.

 

My opinion? Time for some tough love, time to make this not so easy.

 

Yeah sure... Sickness and health you are supposed to take care of your spouse. But that doesn't mean you can't air your grievances.

 

I would personally not just suck it up, but let her know how much of a burden she has made herself.

 

People talk about "shame" as if it's a bad thing. Shame encourages people to follow social norms. Shame is a consequence.

 

She should BE ASHAMED that you are having to care for her. Ashamed that she has caused herself to be a burden.

 

Everything you do for her due to her injury should be met with a thank you, and an apology for putting you and the family in this situation.

 

Wait on her without complaint? Screw that.

 

"If you hadn't drank so much I wouldn't have to do this for you"

 

"If you didn't drink so much you could take care of this yourself"

 

"If you didn't drink so much you wouldn't be in this pain right now".

 

Quit accepting this! She needs help yes, but you enabling isnt helping her, it's helping her on her way to rock bottom.

 

She should feel guilty, ashamed and remorseful for what she has done - is just that unaware of the burden she chooses to make herself?

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Let me ask you something...

 

 

Why in the world would YOU feel guilty and responsible?

 

 

I really want to know the answer to how you own those feelings instead of her.

 

 

Have you ever gotten help for your codependency issues?

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Thanks for all the input. I have my own issues with insecurity and assertiveness and do need to work on that. She did go get the second bottle after my continued refusal. I can only control myself and do need to find a way to hold her accountable. My refusal to enable her is met with her claims of me controlling her. Not just with alcohol but money, gifts, attention, etc. She gets very aggressive, threatening, and mean when she doesnt get her way. The guilt comes from continuing to make the same mistakes and expecting something different. I have gotten better at refusing her but still have work to do. Also feel guilty for not wanting to help her while she is hurting.

 

I continue to assist her while injured because i should be there for her but no enthusiasm and with frustration. I would hope her physical pain would be a consequence but she seems to be in denial for the reason she fell and makes herself the victim.

 

I plan on having a talk with her about the changes that need to happen in order for us to continue. I am meeting with an attorney tomorrow so I am prepared because i know she will not take it well.

 

Thanks again for the replies.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
Thanks for all the input. I have my own issues with insecurity and assertiveness and do need to work on that. She did go get the second bottle after my continued refusal. I can only control myself and do need to find a way to hold her accountable. My refusal to enable her is met with her claims of me controlling her. Not just with alcohol but money, gifts, attention, etc. She gets very aggressive, threatening, and mean when she doesnt get her way. The guilt comes from continuing to make the same mistakes and expecting something different. I have gotten better at refusing her but still have work to do. Also feel guilty for not wanting to help her while she is hurting.

 

I continue to assist her while injured because i should be there for her but no enthusiasm and with frustration. I would hope her physical pain would be a consequence but she seems to be in denial for the reason she fell and makes herself the victim.

 

I plan on having a talk with her about the changes that need to happen in order for us to continue. I am meeting with an attorney tomorrow so I am prepared because i know she will not take it well.

 

Thanks again for the replies.

 

Best of luck to you. This must be very difficult.

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Thanks for all the input. I have my own issues with insecurity and assertiveness and do need to work on that. She did go get the second bottle after my continued refusal. I can only control myself and do need to find a way to hold her accountable. My refusal to enable her is met with her claims of me controlling her. Not just with alcohol but money, gifts, attention, etc. She gets very aggressive, threatening, and mean when she doesnt get her way. The guilt comes from continuing to make the same mistakes and expecting something different. I have gotten better at refusing her but still have work to do. Also feel guilty for not wanting to help her while she is hurting.

 

I continue to assist her while injured because i should be there for her but no enthusiasm and with frustration. I would hope her physical pain would be a consequence but she seems to be in denial for the reason she fell and makes herself the victim.

 

I plan on having a talk with her about the changes that need to happen in order for us to continue. I am meeting with an attorney tomorrow so I am prepared because i know she will not take it well.

 

Thanks again for the replies.

 

Have you ever tried using the Internet to search for free support programs for mental health and alcohol addiction in your area? I think it might be a good idea to try to find one and attend a meeting. Anything is worth a shot. You never know if it will help until you actually make the effort to try to attend one and speak to people.

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Thanks for all the input. I have my own issues with insecurity and assertiveness and do need to work on that. She did go get the second bottle after my continued refusal. I can only control myself and do need to find a way to hold her accountable. My refusal to enable her is met with her claims of me controlling her. Not just with alcohol but money, gifts, attention, etc. She gets very aggressive, threatening, and mean when she doesnt get her way. The guilt comes from continuing to make the same mistakes and expecting something different. I have gotten better at refusing her but still have work to do. Also feel guilty for not wanting to help her while she is hurting.

 

I continue to assist her while injured because i should be there for her but no enthusiasm and with frustration. I would hope her physical pain would be a consequence but she seems to be in denial for the reason she fell and makes herself the victim.

 

I plan on having a talk with her about the changes that need to happen in order for us to continue. I am meeting with an attorney tomorrow so I am prepared because i know she will not take it well.

 

Thanks again for the replies.

 

So, in other words, she becomes abusive toward you when you refuse to enable her drinking.

 

I'm so sorry. This is a very difficult situation and I hope you find a way to make it better. You deserve to have a happy and peaceful life.

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Thanks for all the input. I have my own issues with insecurity and assertiveness and do need to work on that. She did go get the second bottle after my continued refusal. I can only control myself and do need to find a way to hold her accountable. My refusal to enable her is met with her claims of me controlling her. Not just with alcohol but money, gifts, attention, etc. She gets very aggressive, threatening, and mean when she doesnt get her way. The guilt comes from continuing to make the same mistakes and expecting something different. I have gotten better at refusing her but still have work to do. Also feel guilty for not wanting to help her while she is hurting.

 

I continue to assist her while injured because i should be there for her but no enthusiasm and with frustration. I would hope her physical pain would be a consequence but she seems to be in denial for the reason she fell and makes herself the victim.

 

I plan on having a talk with her about the changes that need to happen in order for us to continue. I am meeting with an attorney tomorrow so I am prepared because i know she will not take it well.

 

Thanks again for the replies.

 

Let me help you with some of this...

 

I was married to a woman that was a drug addict. Now, in my defense, she kept it hidden, and lied and lied and lied, about what was wrong with her.

 

I always knew something was wrong, but I never could figure out what the "actual" deal was. And of course I was co-dependent like you are.

 

Whether or not it is better to know, like with alcoholism, or not know, like my situation, who knows.

 

But I can tell you that when I realized that no matter what the problem was that I was enabling her I stopped. It was a sh** storm.

 

All of a sudden I was not doing everything in the world for her and she had a fit, just like your wife is.

 

The deal is this is that co-dependency and enabling people with abuse problems actually hurts them at the same time that it hurts the people that love them.

 

You wife is an alcoholic, she needs help, but there is no rule that says that you have to help her kill herself. And there is no guarantee that you will prevent her from killing herself with her alcoholism.

 

You just have to let her be with her addiction. And at some point if you cannot stand it any longer, you have to leave them.

 

The thing is that you don't realize the damage that her behavior is doing to you and the children.

 

It is a tough situation...

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You need to remove her from your life. She is a huge liability to you and your family.

 

Helping her is actually hurting her. She's injured? Well it's time for her to learn in her own! She can bring in physical therapy to help her out.

 

Do you realize that when she drives drunk she is risking you losing every thing you've ever owned? That right. She is also risking killings someone.

 

You can't fix this for her. You can only save yourself from her toxic ways.

 

I'm ten years sober and am speaking from experience.

 

Remove her from your life so she can find her way - a way that motivates HER to improve HER life!

 

If you don't - you just keep doing MORE and she does nothing to help herself.

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RecentChange

I don't tolerate drinking and driving for a F'ing moment. The fact that you have allowed her too.... No excuse. I would have taken the keys.

 

She needs a wake up call, next time she gets behind the wheel drunk, call the police. I am dead serious. It will force her to face the consequences and get some help.

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You see, you keep expecting her to change - that's the problem.

 

You're the one who needs to change things. When you do she will be forced to also do things differently.

 

Change comes from you, not her.

 

Action always affects others.

 

 

 

As you can see she does less so you have to do more... this can change if you change it.

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Thanks for all the input. I have my own issues with insecurity and assertiveness and do need to work on that. She did go get the second bottle after my continued refusal. I can only control myself and do need to find a way to hold her accountable. My refusal to enable her is met with her claims of me controlling her. Not just with alcohol but money, gifts, attention, etc. She gets very aggressive, threatening, and mean when she doesnt get her way. The guilt comes from continuing to make the same mistakes and expecting something different.

 

wing81, you've already gotten good advice to which I'll only add this:

 

Run, don't walk to the nearest Al Anon meeting:

 

https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/

 

You'll meet, hear from and be able to speak to an entire group of people with very similar experiences. I'd bet you'd find the meetings to be at least eye-opening and possibly life-changing.

 

Go to one and let me know what you think...

 

Mr. Lucky

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My ex-bf's father was an alcoholic and so is he. His mother is a big time enabler. She took her sons to see their alcoholic father in a rehab center when they were like 9 yo and had not seen their father since they were 2 yo. So their only memory of their father was of him being an alcoholic and in a totally pathetic state. I never understood why mom took those young boys to see their father like that. And what a surprise, now both the grown sons are alcoholics. I feel like mom helped caused that. She still enables her sons and is stubborn to her effects. I couldn't watch anymore so had to leave.

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Your wife is mentally unstable too, if she can join a forum like this, or any other forums, it will be a new change for her, too.

 

both u and her need support, from online or reality.

 

It takes time,

since the issue is not developed by one day,

it can't be fixed by one night,

so , take some time and celebrate every little progress.....keep positive,

u know there r people much much worse than yours,

and they r recovered and happy now.

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What have you change this week wing?

 

When YOU change things it will force her to do things differently as well.

 

Your enabling behavior does not leave room for her to improve a thing.

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I appreciate the input. I know i enable but working on trying. I thought refusing to go get her more wine was a big step. I k ow I need to do better. My boys are my biggest concern and they are noticing. Time to grew a pair and do what is best and not let her use her manipulation tactics.

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