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Wife injured while intoxicated


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Old 5th January 2018, 12:16 PM   #16
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Thanks for all the input. I have my own issues with insecurity and assertiveness and do need to work on that. She did go get the second bottle after my continued refusal. I can only control myself and do need to find a way to hold her accountable. My refusal to enable her is met with her claims of me controlling her. Not just with alcohol but money, gifts, attention, etc. She gets very aggressive, threatening, and mean when she doesnt get her way. The guilt comes from continuing to make the same mistakes and expecting something different. I have gotten better at refusing her but still have work to do. Also feel guilty for not wanting to help her while she is hurting.

I continue to assist her while injured because i should be there for her but no enthusiasm and with frustration. I would hope her physical pain would be a consequence but she seems to be in denial for the reason she fell and makes herself the victim.

I plan on having a talk with her about the changes that need to happen in order for us to continue. I am meeting with an attorney tomorrow so I am prepared because i know she will not take it well.

Thanks again for the replies.
So, in other words, she becomes abusive toward you when you refuse to enable her drinking.

I'm so sorry. This is a very difficult situation and I hope you find a way to make it better. You deserve to have a happy and peaceful life.
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Old 5th January 2018, 12:23 PM   #17
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Let me help you with some of this...

Quote:
Originally Posted by wing81 View Post
Thanks for all the input. I have my own issues with insecurity and assertiveness and do need to work on that. She did go get the second bottle after my continued refusal. I can only control myself and do need to find a way to hold her accountable. My refusal to enable her is met with her claims of me controlling her. Not just with alcohol but money, gifts, attention, etc. She gets very aggressive, threatening, and mean when she doesnt get her way. The guilt comes from continuing to make the same mistakes and expecting something different. I have gotten better at refusing her but still have work to do. Also feel guilty for not wanting to help her while she is hurting.

I continue to assist her while injured because i should be there for her but no enthusiasm and with frustration. I would hope her physical pain would be a consequence but she seems to be in denial for the reason she fell and makes herself the victim.

I plan on having a talk with her about the changes that need to happen in order for us to continue. I am meeting with an attorney tomorrow so I am prepared because i know she will not take it well.

Thanks again for the replies.
Let me help you with some of this...

I was married to a woman that was a drug addict. Now, in my defense, she kept it hidden, and lied and lied and lied, about what was wrong with her.

I always knew something was wrong, but I never could figure out what the "actual" deal was. And of course I was co-dependent like you are.

Whether or not it is better to know, like with alcoholism, or not know, like my situation, who knows.

But I can tell you that when I realized that no matter what the problem was that I was enabling her I stopped. It was a sh** storm.

All of a sudden I was not doing everything in the world for her and she had a fit, just like your wife is.

The deal is this is that co-dependency and enabling people with abuse problems actually hurts them at the same time that it hurts the people that love them.

You wife is an alcoholic, she needs help, but there is no rule that says that you have to help her kill herself. And there is no guarantee that you will prevent her from killing herself with her alcoholism.

You just have to let her be with her addiction. And at some point if you cannot stand it any longer, you have to leave them.

The thing is that you don't realize the damage that her behavior is doing to you and the children.

It is a tough situation...
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Old 5th January 2018, 2:23 PM   #18
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You need to remove her from your life. She is a huge liability to you and your family.

Helping her is actually hurting her. She's injured? Well it's time for her to learn in her own! She can bring in physical therapy to help her out.

Do you realize that when she drives drunk she is risking you losing every thing you've ever owned? That right. She is also risking killings someone.

You can't fix this for her. You can only save yourself from her toxic ways.

I'm ten years sober and am speaking from experience.

Remove her from your life so she can find her way - a way that motivates HER to improve HER life!

If you don't - you just keep doing MORE and she does nothing to help herself.
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Old 5th January 2018, 3:08 PM   #19
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I don't tolerate drinking and driving for a F'ing moment. The fact that you have allowed her too.... No excuse. I would have taken the keys.

She needs a wake up call, next time she gets behind the wheel drunk, call the police. I am dead serious. It will force her to face the consequences and get some help.
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Old 5th January 2018, 9:03 PM   #20
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You see, you keep expecting her to change - that's the problem.

You're the one who needs to change things. When you do she will be forced to also do things differently.

Change comes from you, not her.

Action always affects others.



As you can see she does less so you have to do more... this can change if you change it.
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Old 10th January 2018, 3:34 PM   #21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wing81 View Post
Thanks for all the input. I have my own issues with insecurity and assertiveness and do need to work on that. She did go get the second bottle after my continued refusal. I can only control myself and do need to find a way to hold her accountable. My refusal to enable her is met with her claims of me controlling her. Not just with alcohol but money, gifts, attention, etc. She gets very aggressive, threatening, and mean when she doesnt get her way. The guilt comes from continuing to make the same mistakes and expecting something different.
wing81, you've already gotten good advice to which I'll only add this:

Run, don't walk to the nearest Al Anon meeting:

https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/

You'll meet, hear from and be able to speak to an entire group of people with very similar experiences. I'd bet you'd find the meetings to be at least eye-opening and possibly life-changing.

Go to one and let me know what you think...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 14th January 2018, 8:39 PM   #22
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My ex-bf's father was an alcoholic and so is he. His mother is a big time enabler. She took her sons to see their alcoholic father in a rehab center when they were like 9 yo and had not seen their father since they were 2 yo. So their only memory of their father was of him being an alcoholic and in a totally pathetic state. I never understood why mom took those young boys to see their father like that. And what a surprise, now both the grown sons are alcoholics. I feel like mom helped caused that. She still enables her sons and is stubborn to her effects. I couldn't watch anymore so had to leave.
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Old 20th January 2018, 9:04 AM   #23
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Your wife is mentally unstable too, if she can join a forum like this, or any other forums, it will be a new change for her, too.

both u and her need support, from online or reality.

It takes time,
since the issue is not developed by one day,
it can't be fixed by one night,
so , take some time and celebrate every little progress.....keep positive,
u know there r people much much worse than yours,
and they r recovered and happy now.
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Old 21st January 2018, 2:19 AM   #24
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What have you change this week wing?

When YOU change things it will force her to do things differently as well.

Your enabling behavior does not leave room for her to improve a thing.
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Old 21st January 2018, 4:10 AM   #25
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I appreciate the input. I know i enable but working on trying. I thought refusing to go get her more wine was a big step. I k ow I need to do better. My boys are my biggest concern and they are noticing. Time to grew a pair and do what is best and not let her use her manipulation tactics.
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Old 21st January 2018, 8:07 PM   #26
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Then start by letting her get what she needs - everything herself.

So what if she gets mad - she can be mad at herself.

You tell your kids you aren't helping someone who did this to herself by drinking too much.

Set a good example for your kids - she wants to make poor choices - these are the consequences.
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