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Wife injured while intoxicated


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Old 1st January 2018, 3:32 AM   #1
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Wife injured while intoxicated

I know my wife has a drinking problem but it only comes in spurts where she will get belligerent on occassion but has resulted in her having to go to hospital 5 times over 7 years from passing out in public or injuring herself while intoxicated. I know I have played a role in enabling her to avoid further conflict.

Two nights ago after almost a bottle of wine she wanted me to get her more which i refused for a while until she finally went on her own and come back with 1.5L bottle. After drinking most of that bottle she apparently slipped in way to bathroom destroying her knee. She refused to go to hospital that night because she didn't not want to wake kids and didnt want to go by ambulance. We went the next day to the ER where they could only do an stay but said there was probably some sort tissue damage and sent us home.

At this point i am having to take care of her and things around the house. I dont mind helping but the cycle is getting old. She normally doesnt do much around house but having to take care of her takes away from other things that need to get done. My frustration is visible but It almost feels like i am being blamed for her current injury and expected to wait on her without complaint. I know she is hurting and it makes things difficult on her but her actions caused her injury. Is there a way to keep her from pushing her guilt on me and making me feel responsible?
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Old 1st January 2018, 10:42 AM   #2
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Why are you enabling her alcoholism? I'd start there. How old is your wife?
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Old 1st January 2018, 12:01 PM   #3
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Is there a way to keep her from pushing her guilt on me and making me feel responsible?
No. you got to help her stop drinking.
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Old 1st January 2018, 12:08 PM   #4
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In-patient detox is likely the only option if into blackout stuff.

The husband of my exW's best friend tried everything, including in-patient, interventions, you name it, finally gave up and divorced her after 20 years of M and she died a couple years later, just short of 50, from alcohol-related organ failure. What a waste of a lovely lady but the bottle had her.

All I can say is try the options and, if no joy, save yourself. Good luck!
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Old 1st January 2018, 2:18 PM   #5
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Wife is 37 and probably has other mental issues. It is easier to give in than face the insults, begging, guilt trips, etc until she gets her way. Things go ok and think we are passed the issue when she gets out of hand again. I hope she is willing to get all the help she needs but domt have much hope and know I am running out of energy yo keep going with cycles. She is mad at the world and taking it out on me for her injury. Do i have a right to be mad? I feel like we pay for these things more than she does because pain is her only consequence.
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Old 1st January 2018, 2:21 PM   #6
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Wife is 37 and probably has other mental issues. It is easier to give in than face the insults, begging, guilt trips, etc until she gets her way. Things go ok and think we are passed the issue when she gets out of hand again. I hope she is willing to get all the help she needs but domt have much hope and know I am running out of energy yo keep going with cycles. She is mad at the world and taking it out on me for her injury. Do i have a right to be mad? I feel like we pay for these things more than she does because pain is her only consequence.
Because you're enabling her. You need to give her an ultimatum.....get sober or you're out.

Like carhill, I have friends who were in a similar situation, although the husband did nothing and continued enabling his wife's behavior......for years and years. Broken bones, lost jobs, excessive/binge spending, obesity, passing out in front of people all the time..... She died of heart failure around age 46 or 47, never having gotten sober. He was too afraid to rock the boat.

Is this what you want?
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Old 2nd January 2018, 1:32 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wing81 View Post
Wife is 37 and probably has other mental issues. It is easier to give in than face the insults, begging, guilt trips, etc until she gets her way. Things go ok and think we are passed the issue when she gets out of hand again. I hope she is willing to get all the help she needs but domt have much hope and know I am running out of energy yo keep going with cycles. She is mad at the world and taking it out on me for her injury. Do i have a right to be mad? I feel like we pay for these things more than she does because pain is her only consequence.
Yes, you have the right to be mad!

You are enabling her drinking to continue and putting yourself and your children in a very unhealthy home situation. Either she goes to an inpatient treatment facility, or you leave. That would be my New Years resolution, if I was in your position...
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Old 2nd January 2018, 1:49 AM   #8
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The only one you can change is you.

You take action to help yourself!

SHE may get help if you hold her accountable for her actions and lay down consequences... like divorcing her.

You can't make her stop. She has to want to do that FOR herself.


Find a support group like al anon - that may open your eyes.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 3:41 PM   #9
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Well first of all, thanks for being there for your wife. It appears she might have a problem with alcohol even though she might not be willing to accept that right now. You job as a husband is to take care of her needs so you need to help her physically heal.

That being said, excessive drinking by either parent in the house can put children at significant risk. And that should be addressed. Perhaps you should consider talking to a pastor or a counselor about what you can do to effectively address this issue. Dealing with a spouse who might have a drinking problem is very difficult. It is nearly impossible to do without outside help. But, you might find that talking to a professional who deals with these issues can actually help you and eventually your wife arrive at a solution that at least addresses the problem. Unfortunately, if you plan to ignore it, it will not go away on its own. I am praying you find the strength and courage to take the first hard step.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 4:34 PM   #10
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What is YOUR plan?
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Old 3rd January 2018, 5:02 PM   #11
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Please don't tell me that she drove to get that second bottle.

My opinion? Time for some tough love, time to make this not so easy.

Yeah sure... Sickness and health you are supposed to take care of your spouse. But that doesn't mean you can't air your grievances.

I would personally not just suck it up, but let her know how much of a burden she has made herself.

People talk about "shame" as if it's a bad thing. Shame encourages people to follow social norms. Shame is a consequence.

She should BE ASHAMED that you are having to care for her. Ashamed that she has caused herself to be a burden.

Everything you do for her due to her injury should be met with a thank you, and an apology for putting you and the family in this situation.

Wait on her without complaint? Screw that.

"If you hadn't drank so much I wouldn't have to do this for you"

"If you didn't drink so much you could take care of this yourself"

"If you didn't drink so much you wouldn't be in this pain right now".

Quit accepting this! She needs help yes, but you enabling isnt helping her, it's helping her on her way to rock bottom.

She should feel guilty, ashamed and remorseful for what she has done - is just that unaware of the burden she chooses to make herself?
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Old 3rd January 2018, 5:14 PM   #12
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Let me ask you something...


Why in the world would YOU feel guilty and responsible?


I really want to know the answer to how you own those feelings instead of her.


Have you ever gotten help for your codependency issues?
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Old 5th January 2018, 12:14 AM   #13
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Thanks for all the input. I have my own issues with insecurity and assertiveness and do need to work on that. She did go get the second bottle after my continued refusal. I can only control myself and do need to find a way to hold her accountable. My refusal to enable her is met with her claims of me controlling her. Not just with alcohol but money, gifts, attention, etc. She gets very aggressive, threatening, and mean when she doesnt get her way. The guilt comes from continuing to make the same mistakes and expecting something different. I have gotten better at refusing her but still have work to do. Also feel guilty for not wanting to help her while she is hurting.

I continue to assist her while injured because i should be there for her but no enthusiasm and with frustration. I would hope her physical pain would be a consequence but she seems to be in denial for the reason she fell and makes herself the victim.

I plan on having a talk with her about the changes that need to happen in order for us to continue. I am meeting with an attorney tomorrow so I am prepared because i know she will not take it well.

Thanks again for the replies.
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Old 5th January 2018, 10:03 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wing81 View Post
Thanks for all the input. I have my own issues with insecurity and assertiveness and do need to work on that. She did go get the second bottle after my continued refusal. I can only control myself and do need to find a way to hold her accountable. My refusal to enable her is met with her claims of me controlling her. Not just with alcohol but money, gifts, attention, etc. She gets very aggressive, threatening, and mean when she doesnt get her way. The guilt comes from continuing to make the same mistakes and expecting something different. I have gotten better at refusing her but still have work to do. Also feel guilty for not wanting to help her while she is hurting.

I continue to assist her while injured because i should be there for her but no enthusiasm and with frustration. I would hope her physical pain would be a consequence but she seems to be in denial for the reason she fell and makes herself the victim.

I plan on having a talk with her about the changes that need to happen in order for us to continue. I am meeting with an attorney tomorrow so I am prepared because i know she will not take it well.

Thanks again for the replies.
Best of luck to you. This must be very difficult.
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Old 5th January 2018, 10:52 AM   #15
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Originally Posted by wing81 View Post
Thanks for all the input. I have my own issues with insecurity and assertiveness and do need to work on that. She did go get the second bottle after my continued refusal. I can only control myself and do need to find a way to hold her accountable. My refusal to enable her is met with her claims of me controlling her. Not just with alcohol but money, gifts, attention, etc. She gets very aggressive, threatening, and mean when she doesnt get her way. The guilt comes from continuing to make the same mistakes and expecting something different. I have gotten better at refusing her but still have work to do. Also feel guilty for not wanting to help her while she is hurting.

I continue to assist her while injured because i should be there for her but no enthusiasm and with frustration. I would hope her physical pain would be a consequence but she seems to be in denial for the reason she fell and makes herself the victim.

I plan on having a talk with her about the changes that need to happen in order for us to continue. I am meeting with an attorney tomorrow so I am prepared because i know she will not take it well.

Thanks again for the replies.
Have you ever tried using the Internet to search for free support programs for mental health and alcohol addiction in your area? I think it might be a good idea to try to find one and attend a meeting. Anything is worth a shot. You never know if it will help until you actually make the effort to try to attend one and speak to people.
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