Jump to content

She don’t lie, she don’t lie, she don’t lie; cocaine....


Recommended Posts

blind_otter

:sick: I am an idiot and I wish I could erase last weekend.

 

I went to a friends house on friday, after work. I was an idiot. Everyone at his house just get drunk and f*cked up ALL THE TIME. Basically, there are usually guys there who offer drugs to me. So. I faithfully returned home each time to receive my BF's phone calls. I basically stayed up about 51-52 hours straight doing blow and only spent $60. All my drinks were bought for me by various dudes.

 

Bosco saw me out on saturday night and said "It's almost painful to see you like this."

 

I know I was doing it to escape myself and my own mind. I know why I did it. I just....I don't know.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Dont beat yourself up. Today is a new day. Just try not to make yourself feel that way again. Cheer up BO. Sometimes even when we know that things are bad for us it makes us want to do it - or them - even more.

Link to post
Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo

Sorry to hear this BO.

 

Have you ever thought of joining some kind of support network, like AA?

Link to post
Share on other sites

So are you ready to do something about it? I know I sound like a commercial....but why not start today? :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
blind_otter
Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo

Sorry to hear this BO.

 

Have you ever thought of joining some kind of support network, like AA?

 

Been to AA and NA. It's not a habit....it's self-medicating. AA actually helps me minimize my issues because I'm like, well I'm not as bad off as THOSE people. There are always triggers and I always binge, the only thing I use habitually is cigarettes and caffiene. I used to smoke weed every day but for some reason that has just tapered off naturally.

 

I have been having flashbacks from the CBT therapy and told the therapist I'm taking a 2 week break because she is pushing, pushing me to do things I don't feel ready to do. She is young, and idealistic I suppose. Thinks she can "cure me" by exposure therapy. All it's doing is putting me inthe mental state I was in right after it happened. I TOLD HER THIS WOULD HAPPEN! I said no, if I could take 3 months medical leave and cope somehow I would but I can't I just can't.

 

To be numb, that's what I wanted. To forget. I wish I could just forget what happened to me. I wish I was not like I am. I hate having PTSD I hate it. I don't want to use, I hate using drugs and alcohol to forget. I wish I could erase it from my head.

Link to post
Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo
Originally posted by blind_otter

To be numb, that's what I wanted. To forget. I wish I could just forget what happened to me. I wish I was not like I am. I hate having PTSD I hate it. I don't want to use, I hate using drugs and alcohol to forget. I wish I could erase it from my head.

 

I'm so sorry, Otter. :(

 

Would it help to rant a little more about it?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
blind_otter
Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo

I'm so sorry, Otter. :(

 

Would it help to rant a little more about it?

 

:(

 

Every moment of my adult life has been a struggle. I have good days and bad days but what makes it worse is my intelligence. I am intelligent enough, and aware enough, to know how it could be. I learned how to survive. I never learned how to thrive.

 

What kills me is that I fear. I am afraid that my self-destructive habits will ruin the ability to have a better life. When I am getting high, I sometimes honestly think -- maybe this will kill me. Maybe this time I'll die -- and in that instant, that's what I really want. My drug and alcohol abuse is really a passive aggressive method of suicide. That's why I binge, rather than have a habitual issue. Instead of sitting there wanting to kill myself I go on drug binges. I run.

 

I am so f***ed up in the head. I don't deserve my BF. He treats me too good. He is too good a man for the likes of me. Dirty horrid girl -- that is what I am afraid of. There is a part of me, inside, that I am afraid to even look at because it is twisted, ugly, a monster. There is a monster that lives inside me and I just want it to die.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Originally posted by blind_otter

Every moment of my adult life has been a struggle.

...join the club :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo
Originally posted by blind_otter

I learned how to survive. I never learned how to thrive.

 

That's so sad.

 

 

My drug and alcohol abuse is really a passive aggressive method of suicide.

 

All of us have an inner saboteur... yours seems to be incredibly effective. Or overactive. Or both...

 

 

There is a monster that lives inside me and I just want it to die.

 

:(

Link to post
Share on other sites

BO..

 

I've learned that the choices I make in life is because I can and I know the pro's and con's of them. I'm a pretty intelligiant person and I have a very strong mind...sometimes to strong for my own good.

 

The reason strong minded people chose to do these things IMHO...Is because they want to see how far they can take things. This may sound weird or out of nowhere but the past I would say 4 months of my life has been a test...Just like yours

 

I test myself to see how f***ed up I can make things and how fast I can fix them and be strong minded about it. I had the best weekend B-day of my life...but one thing made me nervous..The fact my EX was there. Yes their were drugs so yeah of course I did them.

 

During a hard time those drugs helped me express myself to my EX in a way I never thought I could. I "used" the drugs to my benefit and it helpled. What made a difference is I didn't abuse it. I tried it, it helped ...the drug you mentioned...Now I'm done and really honestly it doesn't bother me that I acutally did it but what bothers me is that it took that route in my life to realize what I wanted and help to deal with the pain.

 

BO you're a very strong person I can see and read from all your post...You chose to do these things because you want to and you know in the end you'll always be BO and no one can change that but you. Life is full of surprises and challenges...You don't know is the same reason you do know....

 

It's because you can and you will...Does this make sense?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
blind_otter

I don't deserve my boyfriend. I don't deserve him. I am self-destructive and I'm just going to hurt him in the end.

 

Some people are just too f***ed in the head to be able to have relationships.

Link to post
Share on other sites

i'm not really sure what i can say to help you out but maybe you can get a sponsor

 

my buddy is a heroin addict and he doesn't really do meetings and all that but i'm his sponsor so i do alot of the midnight calls and picking up stuff not really sure if it helps him even tho he says it does maybe it can help you out

Link to post
Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo
Originally posted by blind_otter

I don't deserve him.

 

Please don't make a decision for him, though. He loves you. F*cked up and all.

 

 

Some people are just too f***ed in the head to be able to have relationships.

 

Oh, honey :(

Link to post
Share on other sites
Originally posted by blind_otter

I don't deserve my boyfriend. I don't deserve him. I am self-destructive and I'm just going to hurt him in the end.

 

Some people are just too f***ed in the head to be able to have relationships.

 

 

that's not true

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
blind_otter

Looking at that picture of us together on my desk makes me feel sick to my stomach.

 

My psycho ex did this to me, got coked up and lied about it. It's like I'm turning the tables on my BF. Doing what was done to me, to him. He doesn't deserve this. He deserves a beautiful, sober person who was never raped or molested or beaten up. He deserves someone pure and good. I am weak. I want to be good for him. I never want to go back to that house again.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Originally posted by blind_otter

Looking at that picture of us together on my desk makes me feel sick to my stomach.

 

My psycho ex did this to me, got coked up and lied about it. It's like I'm turning the tables on my BF. Doing what was done to me, to him. He doesn't deserve this. He deserves a beautiful, sober person who was never raped or molested or beaten up. He deserves someone pure and good. I am weak. I want to be good for him. I never want to go back to that house again.

 

If I may say so, why do you beat yourself up for something you had no control over. What you have control of now is the rest of your life. Why must you neglet and push yourself away from anything good?

 

Do you not think you deserve good things to happen to you? The things that happened to you I'm sure affect your life tremendously but don't put yourself down, what does that do? You're feeling guilty for something you can simply just talk about with your bf. Does he know all the things you've been through?? I'm sure he'll understand and would perfer you tell him then keep it from him.

 

LS :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo
Originally posted by blind_otter

He deserves a beautiful, sober person who was never raped or molested or beaten up.

 

He wants you.

 

You poor thing. Here comes a big hug ((((Otter))))

 

 

I want to be good for him. I never want to go back to that house again.

 

:cool: Any concrete plans yet for getting better?

Link to post
Share on other sites

{{{{HUGS 2 OTTER}}}}

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time today. :(

 

I don't have any great words of wisdom, but know that you aren't alone. :love:

Link to post
Share on other sites

hey girl i kno how ur feeling... its like once you do that first line, you wanna keep goin & goin.. till you had enough, even if 2 days pass by!

 

ive been we're your at a couple months ago... you just gotta stop chillin wit the wrong people and get ur life back on track... if u dont want to stop it all together, do it once every couple ofmonths till you dont want to do it anymore.

 

i stopped b/c i hated how i felt the next morning after i finally fell asleep after 6 hours! lol., it made me hate people, and it also made me quiet, not wanting to talk to anyone. it felt good, but soo many things ran thru my head, i hated it! it really is addicting but its not worth it. i stopped doing it b/c i like to smoke better and its cheaper lol. its all about self control... just stop seein these people that do these binges.. even if you gotta ''smoke by myself, drink by myself...." u know that song?!! thats the way i look at things lol.!!!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
blind_otter

I lied to him this whole weekend. Every time he called I was "asleep" or my nose was stuffy because I had a cold. God I HATE that I lied to him. Why couldn't I just be honest? He is so far away.

 

And you are right. I sabotage every good thing that happens to me. THe ugly monster inside of me....wants me to suffer. There is a huge part of me that thinks I deserve nothing better.

 

I won't go back to that house. I won't be around those people. I can't. They are lost souls and the thing that makes them feel better about themselves is other people getting as f***ed up as they are.

Link to post
Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo
Originally posted by blind_otter

I lied to him this whole weekend. Every time he called I was "asleep" or my nose was stuffy because I had a cold. God I HATE that I lied to him. Why couldn't I just be honest? He is so far away.

 

Please tell him. It's better for both of you if he knows.

 

 

I sabotage every good thing that happens to me. THe ugly monster inside of me....wants me to suffer. There is a huge part of me that thinks I deserve nothing better.

 

All of us do this sometimes, but you really seem to be stuck there :(

 

 

I won't go back to that house. I won't be around those people. I can't.

 

Well done. Good for you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I have good days and bad days but what makes it worse is my intelligence. I am intelligent enough, and aware enough, to know how it could be.

 

Yep! That's why therapists will eventually give themselves migraines banging their heads against walls trying to break through to you. You're so clever in fact, that you have become masterful at inventing excuses for yourself not to put in the work and self-discipline required. Why break a sweat when things come easy to you just by remaining as you are?

 

I think maybe you're afraid of your own potential. After all, if people discovered what you're really capable of, they might come to expect it. Then you'd no longer have an excuse to withdrawal from responsibility back into your victim status when you simply grew tired of the sh*t. It's a comfortable and oh-so-convenient exit from reality and personal responsibility. Especially when there are so many enablers around willing to help you do just that.

 

Wish I had your smarts, cause there are times when I'd love nothing more than to escape real-life responsibility, too! :laugh:

 

I don't deserve my boyfriend. I don't deserve him. I am self-destructive and I'm just going to hurt him in the end.

 

Some people are just too f***ed in the head to be able to have relationships.

 

You damn well deserve every good thing that happens to you. But you're afraid of it, again, because it might mean Otter has to break a sweat. And so now, in typical Otter style, she is already preparing her back-door exit just in case the pressure cooker gets to be too much.

 

Girl, what I wouldn't do to half the intelligence and potential you possess! :eek: You are extremely blessed, and don't even know it. You've got a gift you don't even know whether or not you want. And that "gift" could be shared to help others just like yourself. Who knows, maybe that's what it's for??

 

Otter loves Otter. We love Otter. EVERYBODY loves Otter. But does that mean we should enable and love her to death??

 

Not me. Cause I know you were put here for something bigger and better. You've got a purpose, and if the day should come when you realize what that is, then look out world cause Otter's gonna make her mark!

 

BTW: if you don't want your intelligence, can I have it? :confused: I'll trade you that for my self-discipline. I'm tired of being responsible too! :o

Link to post
Share on other sites
sweetadeline
Originally posted by blind_otter

THe ugly monster inside of me....wants me to suffer. There is a huge part of me that thinks I deserve nothing better.

 

But here's the thing: that part isn't any more real, or valid, than the parts of you that are healthy and strong. Those ugly monster voices are so powerful because they SEEM to be telling us the dark, hidden truth about ourselves. But those self-destructive impulses aren't any more real, or worth listening to, than the strong, self-protective ones.

 

Does that make any sense at all?

 

Anyway, I don't post much, but I always read what you have to say precisely because you're so smart and self-aware. For that reason, I'm sure you can get past what you did this weekend. You've been through some horrible things, and they have left scars. But those scars don't constitute the whole truth of who you are. Remember that.

Link to post
Share on other sites

BO...you've got to stop the madness...you're going to run off every good thing you have!!!

 

Take control, you're a strong woman. You're otterful. :love:

Link to post
Share on other sites

So sorry to hear this :-(

 

where does your PTSD stem from? What caused this trauma?

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...