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Grapesofwrath

I've been dating a man for about 5 months now. We have a great time together and I am very happy with him. He is a wonderful boyfriend: thoughtful, considerate, sweet, loving. No desire to end the relationship.

 

he is a complicated person, however, and there are some issues. Mainly, he is a self-admitted high-functioning alcoholic. He is also addicted to nicotine (chewing tobacco), which he says he doesn't even enjoy and describes as a monkey on his back. He doesn't chew when I'm around (because he knows it's not appealing) but I know that he does it at other times.

 

He expresses a desire to quit both things, and to exercise more. His diet is healthy, so that's not an issue. But he tells me there are signs of health consequences from his drinking/chew and he wants to fix that.

 

I have seen him drink very moderately, or not at all. I've also seen him drink a lot and he can get loud. He is a sweet drunk, never angry. I never feel frightened or threatened when he's drunk. He actually opens up a lot when he's been drinking, and we have very personal conversations where he reveals things about his past. He doesn't drive drunk. He doesn't drink when his kids are around. But when it's just the two of us, we will start out with wine and then he moves to harder stuff as the night goes on.

 

He has some lingering issues with depression. Both of his parents died suddenly, and he lost a child to SIDS at two months of age. This is such a heartbreaking thing, it's hard to even talk about it with him, so I understand why it hurts him still.

 

Anyway, not sure what I'm asking for here. Maybe just some advice on what I can do to help him get healthy. Just be supportive of his journey? Encourage him to get into a program? I don't believe in ultimatums, and I'm not interested in being his warden.

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SaveYourHeart

The first thing you learn when you realize your loved one is an alcoholic is that you can't help them do anything. You can't encourage them to get help, you can't make deals, you can't ask them to moderate. He has to do it on his own. He can talk about wanting to change all day long. We call that "quacking".

 

My husband started out as a sweet drunk too. Now I pray that he'll punch me in the face so that I can have a reason to leave. Be very careful, when a loved one is addicted, we often lose so much of ourselves trying to fix them. You might wake up in five years not knowing who you are anymore.

 

SoberRecovery.com has some really great information for family and friends of alcoholics. The site works similarly to this one, so just go to the forums section and there will be a section for friends and family.

 

Good luck love.

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  • 4 weeks later...
The first thing you learn when you realize your loved one is an alcoholic is that you can't help them do anything. You can't encourage them to get help, you can't make deals, you can't ask them to moderate. He has to do it on his own. He can talk about wanting to change all day long. We call that "quacking".

 

My husband started out as a sweet drunk too. Now I pray that he'll punch me in the face so that I can have a reason to leave. Be very careful, when a loved one is addicted, we often lose so much of ourselves trying to fix them. You might wake up in five years not knowing who you are anymore.

 

SoberRecovery.com has some really great information for family and friends of alcoholics. The site works similarly to this one, so just go to the forums section and there will be a section for friends and family.

 

Good luck love.

 

You have a reason to leave.

 

 

Op, it sounds like he uses alcohol to cope. I'd suggest buying him a fancy journal as a gift and not saying why.

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  • 1 year later...
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Grapesofwrath

We have now been together 2 years. At this point, the drinking has only gotten worse. We have had sex maybe 3 times in the past year--none of it good--because he is no longer able to get an erection. When he drinks, he gets loud and has embarassed me in front of people on occasion. We have fun together as long as drinking is part of the plan. If we are not able to get alcohol, he gets irritable and short-tempered.

 

He likes to go on golfing trips with his friends. When he does, he drinks himself into oblivion. Sometimes his friends send me video of him "being funny." To me, he looks like a drunken clown. After this last one, it took him two days to get over his hangover. He cancelled plans with me on the first day because he was so ill. We got together on the second day and he just lay on the couch, unable to function. I left. He is unable to articulate feelings for me and hasn't told me he loves me in I don't know how long.

 

I am starting to see how the problems in his life--including his struggling business and the fact that he is still legally married despite being separated for 7 years--are in large part due to his drinking. He has lost a lot of his executive function. He complains all the time about his problems and does nothing to address them. He has gained weight.

 

I'm done with this, but don't know if I should give him a chance to straighten things out. What is your advice?

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Surely you know the truth as disappointing as it is: you cannot have a successful relationship with an addict, alcohol or otherwise.

 

And you cannot "save" the addict--no matter how smart you are, how persuasive you are, how forgiving you are ... you can't ... Addictions run in my family and I've deal with a lot of addicts of various kinds in my life.

 

He simply isn't healthy enough for you ... emotionally healthy and you will always be disappointed.

 

He has to get clean before the relationship can proceed any further.

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Sorry it has developed that way. He sounds like he has tons of problems with himself. I don’t know if you can/should help him. If you do, it probably won’t work. And if you don’t try, the R might be over for good. That’s a tricky one. You sound like you like spending time with him on a “normal” day, when drinking is not involved. But the excessive drinking will get worse, not better.

 

Does he have a job? Is he otherwise a reliable person, with you, his family, friends, colleagues?

Was the sex good and more frequent in the beginning?

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You didn't heed the advice upfront.

 

You can't fix this and now you are living the pitfalls.

 

Guess what? It gets worse.

 

Wait'll he starts pissing the bed and drinks nonstop. That's coming next.

 

You know what you need to do. It's all up to you.

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Grapesofwrath
Sorry it has developed that way. He sounds like he has tons of problems with himself. I don’t know if you can/should help him. If you do, it probably won’t work. And if you don’t try, the R might be over for good. That’s a tricky one. You sound like you like spending time with him on a “normal” day, when drinking is not involved. But the excessive drinking will get worse, not better.

 

Does he have a job? Is he otherwise a reliable person, with you, his family, friends, colleagues?

Was the sex good and more frequent in the beginning?

 

He owns his own business. It has been around for 25 years, so I would say it's successful. It makes money, but the land on which it stands is going to turn into condos in 2 years, so he will have to move it. He has known this for a while and complains about it constantly, while doing nothing to change the situation.

 

He is reliable, yes. Punctual. Not flaky. His children live with his wife, and he sees them occasionally, though not much now that they are teens. He supports them financially in a very nice way, which I have always admired about him. FWIW, his wife gave him an ultimatum years ago: Drinking or the marriage. He chose drinking.

 

The sex was never great. It was more frequent in the beginning--and when he went off his antidepressant it was very frequent and enjoyable. But it's been a long time since then. When I tried to discuss it with him, he first told me it was age (he's 48) then maybe low testosterone, then his medications, and finally said, "I'm not going to feel about it." (It being his impotence.) He also has always had a very difficult time having an orgasm, so I think it's largely an intimacy issue, in addition to everything else.

 

I know what I Have to do. It hurts and the disappointment is painful. I was so happy when I thought I had found someone to share my life with. When I first wrote this post, we were 5 months in and I still had hope. I don't have any more hope.

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I know what I Have to do. It hurts and the disappointment is painful. I was so happy when I thought I had found someone to share my life with. When I first wrote this post, we were 5 months in and I still had hope. I don't have any more hope. {snip}

 

I’m very sorry.

I’m surprised though that he told you about his W’s ultimatum. Most wouldn’t do that, they’d rather sugarcoat it or make stuff up ...... as in we weren’t compatible etc.

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I'm done with this, but don't know if I should give him a chance to straighten things out. What is your advice?

 

You didn’t create this problem, as you’ve learned you can’t control it and unfortunately you won’t cure it.

 

At this point, You should focus on pursuing a healthier life for yourself...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I'm very sorry to hear you are dealing with this. You are dealing with a very powerful demon whose name is dopamine/ oxytocin hits on the brain. It takes concerted willing people, in concert with medical professionals, to get somebody out of something like this. I understand if you don't want to spearhead an effort against alcoholism. The journey sucks if your person of interest doesn't want to do it. Rest ye well and heal.

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Grapesofwrath
I’m very sorry.

I’m surprised though that he told you about his W’s ultimatum. Most wouldn’t do that, they’d rather sugarcoat it or make stuff up ...... as in we weren’t compatible etc.

 

He was, unsurprisingly, drinking when he told me this. His father, mother, and sister are (or were) all alcoholics. His parents are now deceased. While they did achieve sobriety, their lives were cut short by other health problems. His sister is in and out of recovery. She has been to rehab several times, and will stay sober for long periods, and then relapse, as is common. He dislikes her when she's drinking, yet fails to see that he is the same way as she is when he is drinking. The denial is so thick.

 

Thank you all for the advice. I know you are right. It's really hard, but it's not good for me to be in this situation. Better to be alone than to be dealing with this, I'm afraid.

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Well now you have spent two years and still don't know the real version of him. And this is why I never date a man until his divorce is final - he is STILL married!

 

You know the drinking/drunk version of him. That's all you'll ever know - so know that through and through.

 

Listen - he never got motivated to stop drinking to save his marriage and family!

 

He's not going to do it for you!

 

He CAN'T stop = a true alcoholic.

 

You can't change him! Since you don't like it - end the toxic relationship.

 

This guy isn't changing.

 

Pray for him - but know you've never known the real him.

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