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Dating a recovering alcoholic


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starrynightz45

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 months. About a month into dating, he told me that he's member of AA, and that he is 4 years sober. He attends meetings at least 1x a week, and says he has no desire to ever drink again. Him not drinking is not an issue at all. I very, very rarely drink myself and just don't enjoy alcohol. So I was actually glad to be dating someone who doesn't drink.

 

However, I'm still really scared about being with someone who is an alcoholic. I don't know what that entails, and how it's going to effect the relationship. In casual conversation, he's mentioned things to me about his AA friends - saying that alcoholics are generally "unreliable people" and very "selfish." I couldn't help but wonder to myself - does that mean these traits apply to him as well?

 

In the past 3 months, I have noticed some selfish tendencies. He's very moody, wrapped up in his own world, and generally in a bad mood/depressed. He stresses out over the smallest things. I don't know what leads to alcoholism, and what personality traits are common to alcoholics. I was hoping someone on this forum can provide some insight. What should I know about/be concerned with in dating this man? Are there positives to dating someone who is in AA? Etc. Thanks

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Michelle ma Belle

Alcoholism is a serious issue which has the capacity to affect your life if you date someone with this problem. A relationship with an alcoholic isn't impossible, but it does take a certain finesse. Learning how to navigate this disorder and how it affects romantic relationships gives you important tools which can be valuable whether your choose to continue your relationship or not.

 

Step 1

Deepen your understanding of the disease. Alcoholism is a chronic mental health disorder that a person will struggle with for his entire life! Over time, a recovered alcoholic should be able to cope more effectively with his illness, but during times of stress or significant life changes his desire to drink may intensify. Ask a mental health professional about the disorder or read a book about the struggles people with alcoholism have faced to expand your knowledge.

 

Step 2

Discuss her alcoholism with him. Ask him to share with you his experience. Share with him your views and experiences with alcoholism. Be open about your concerns and hesitations about dating him. Creating an air of openness and honesty lets her know that she can be forthright and builds trust between the both of you.

 

Step 3

If you really care about this guy and it's progressing into something more, you might want to consider attending an Al-Anon support group. Al-Anon is a support group focused on the people affected by alcoholism, such as wives, husbands, parents, partners and children; these groups allow people to share their experiences and benefit from the support of others. Find a local Al-Anon group. Make time to go to one of their regular meetings. Share your story and why you have come to the meeting. Continue your participation in the support group for as long as you feel necessary.

 

Step 4

Avoid making alcohol a central part of your social events or regular life. This shouldn't be difficult since you're not a drinker yourself. For most recovering alcoholics it is important for them to avoid things such as social interactions and social situations which trigger cravings for alcohol. This might be less of a struggle if he's 4 years sober but still something to consider and discuss with him as you move forward.

 

Step 5

Acknowledge that relapse is possible. Even alcoholics who have been in recovery for long periods of time have the potential to relapse. Be aware of the triggers the person you are dating has told you about. Offer your support by helping her to avoid these triggers. If she has a stressful or bad day, engage in an activity that has stress-reducing qualities such as going for a walk or attending a support meeting. Depending on the person, sometimes giving them their space is what they need. Ask him what he needs.

 

Step 6

Avoid focusing your entire relationships with him on his alcoholism. They really hate this. Be supportive and move past the disorder. Be aware of him as a person, not as a disorder. Understand how alcoholism shows up in his life and the measures you have to take. For instance, some alcoholics can eat at a restaurant that serves alcohol, but the same restaurant can be a significant trigger for a more severe alcoholic.

 

Regardless of all of this, find a trusted person to talk to outside of the relationship if you have concerns or stresses related to the alcoholism. Contact her when you need to talk with someone who knows the specifics of the relationship and can offer support.

 

Good luck.

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As long as he's not drinking it should be like dating anybody else. If your life doesn't revolve around booze I don't forsee this being an issue unless you make it one.

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starrynightz45
Alcoholism is a serious issue which has the capacity to affect your life if you date someone with this problem. A relationship with an alcoholic isn't impossible, but it does take a certain finesse. Learning how to navigate this disorder and how it affects romantic relationships gives you important tools which can be valuable whether your choose to continue your relationship or not.

 

Step 1

Deepen your understanding of the disease. Alcoholism is a chronic mental health disorder that a person will struggle with for his entire life! Over time, a recovered alcoholic should be able to cope more effectively with his illness, but during times of stress or significant life changes his desire to drink may intensify. Ask a mental health professional about the disorder or read a book about the struggles people with alcoholism have faced to expand your knowledge.

 

Step 2

Discuss her alcoholism with him. Ask him to share with you his experience. Share with him your views and experiences with alcoholism. Be open about your concerns and hesitations about dating him. Creating an air of openness and honesty lets her know that she can be forthright and builds trust between the both of you.

 

Step 3

If you really care about this guy and it's progressing into something more, you might want to consider attending an Al-Anon support group. Al-Anon is a support group focused on the people affected by alcoholism, such as wives, husbands, parents, partners and children; these groups allow people to share their experiences and benefit from the support of others. Find a local Al-Anon group. Make time to go to one of their regular meetings. Share your story and why you have come to the meeting. Continue your participation in the support group for as long as you feel necessary.

 

Step 4

Avoid making alcohol a central part of your social events or regular life. This shouldn't be difficult since you're not a drinker yourself. For most recovering alcoholics it is important for them to avoid things such as social interactions and social situations which trigger cravings for alcohol. This might be less of a struggle if he's 4 years sober but still something to consider and discuss with him as you move forward.

 

Step 5

Acknowledge that relapse is possible. Even alcoholics who have been in recovery for long periods of time have the potential to relapse. Be aware of the triggers the person you are dating has told you about. Offer your support by helping her to avoid these triggers. If she has a stressful or bad day, engage in an activity that has stress-reducing qualities such as going for a walk or attending a support meeting. Depending on the person, sometimes giving them their space is what they need. Ask him what he needs.

 

Step 6

Avoid focusing your entire relationships with him on his alcoholism. They really hate this. Be supportive and move past the disorder. Be aware of him as a person, not as a disorder. Understand how alcoholism shows up in his life and the measures you have to take. For instance, some alcoholics can eat at a restaurant that serves alcohol, but the same restaurant can be a significant trigger for a more severe alcoholic.

 

Regardless of all of this, find a trusted person to talk to outside of the relationship if you have concerns or stresses related to the alcoholism. Contact her when you need to talk with someone who knows the specifics of the relationship and can offer support.

 

Good luck.

 

I don't foresee social outings involving alcohol being an issue, because like i said, I couldn't care less about drinking so it actually works for me. I'm also aware that relapse is an issue and it does scare me.

 

I'm trying very hard not to focus on the alcoholism, but it is in the back of my mind. I think this is mostly because I know nothing about his personal experience, but I am afraid to ask. It's also because I keep hearing things about the "alcoholic personality type" and it worries me that if I continue to spend time with him while ignorant of these characteristics, I'm going to get really hurt down the line.

 

I haven't been sure if it's appropriate to directly ask him questions about his alcoholism or his meetings. I'm kind of a private person myself, and I don't want to offend him or seem like I'm prying. Beyond the fact that he's been sober for 4 years, I know nothing about what he went through, when he realized he needed to get sober, or anything about the process. He always tells me that he is going to a meeting (he goes at least 1x a week) but beyond asking him if it went well, I never ask him anything else. Is it appropriate to ask these questions?

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It is mind boggling I suppose when viewed from the other side. thank you for sharing your concerns. Alcoholism is the disease. The Person whom you are dating has this disease. How would you treat someone with a heart murmur or a diabetic condition? You simply modify based on the ailment. I have to laugh (in a good way) that he was forthright in telling you alcoholics are unreliable and such, we really are! The difference is, we fight that knee jerk unreliablilty by going to meetings, sustaining a new lifestyle and hanging with those that experienced that recovery phase. Trying to share with you what his experience was is like trying to tell a virgin what child birth is like. Its different for each person, and until you go thru it, you cannot begin to comprehend. Does it mean you don't have compassion or listening skills? By all means , no it doesn't.

the 4 year mark is a turning point in most recovery... Congrats to him for that accomplishment!

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Michelle ma Belle
I don't foresee social outings involving alcohol being an issue, because like i said, I couldn't care less about drinking so it actually works for me. I'm also aware that relapse is an issue and it does scare me.

 

I'm trying very hard not to focus on the alcoholism, but it is in the back of my mind. I think this is mostly because I know nothing about his personal experience, but I am afraid to ask. It's also because I keep hearing things about the "alcoholic personality type" and it worries me that if I continue to spend time with him while ignorant of these characteristics, I'm going to get really hurt down the line.

 

I haven't been sure if it's appropriate to directly ask him questions about his alcoholism or his meetings. I'm kind of a private person myself, and I don't want to offend him or seem like I'm prying. Beyond the fact that he's been sober for 4 years, I know nothing about what he went through, when he realized he needed to get sober, or anything about the process. He always tells me that he is going to a meeting (he goes at least 1x a week) but beyond asking him if it went well, I never ask him anything else. Is it appropriate to ask these questions?

 

I think it is very normal to want to ask those questions and rightfully so. At the same time, I think it MIGHT still be a bit too early to ask or for him to feel comfortable sharing that part of his with you yet.

 

The fact that he has 4 years under his belt is HUGE accomplishment so let that ease your mind for knowing that he's been able to manage his disease for this long.

 

At the same time, if you continue dating him and it continues to get more serious, his disease will become more apparent to you and only then will you know how well you can handle it. This is when communication and honesty will be even more important. This is also when your questions will want and need to be asked and answered in order to help you both navigate successfully.

 

Good luck!

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In the past 3 months, I have noticed some selfish tendencies. He's very moody, wrapped up in his own world, and generally in a bad mood/depressed. He stresses out over the smallest things.

 

Alcoholism can be controlled, but the things you listed above are definitely a cause for concern.

 

If he is not actively working on improving his mood and decreasing his stress levels (therapy etc.), then I would bail out immediately. If you have witnessed all of that in only a few short weeks, then it will only get worse as time goes on if it is not addressed.

 

The moodiness, depression and being self-absorbed will take a serious toll on you. He will not be able to give you what you need. It will definitely have a negative impact, and it can be severe, especially over time. This really needs to be sorted out before you take things any further with him.

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from the title itself, the word "recovering" is there.. which means he's undergoing treatment where stopping alcoholism is the main goal. don't you think he deserves a chance to make changes about himself?

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