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Blackout Nightmare


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Blackout2012

Hi, I had nowhere to release my issue, so I chose here. This is a great place to discuss any sort of issues.

 

I went to the bar with my friend. We were celebrating her birthday. We noticed a guy we knew from high school sitting across from us. So, we all hang out. We ended up switching to another bar/restaurant. Had some appetizers and drinks. Our buddy, owns his own company. His employee was with him and was quite inebriated. So, we gave him water. Well, as the night progressed, I end up blacking out. I have no idea why I left my friend to go to this guy's house, the guy I used to go to school with. He happens to be my ex-boyfriends good buddy. So, I end up over there, not sure what happened, everything is foggy. I just remember parts, us talking, me petting his dog, and us being in his bedroom. I don't think we kissed or anything. He passed out on me in his bed. And, I felt it was not appropriate to crash there for the night due to my ex, whom I still respect and maintain a friendship with. So, as I was about to leave, which I did not have my purse or have my shoes on yet, I decide to open the door. His dog runs out of the house, and I chase after it, but it will not come back. I also either locked myself out of the house, or was too drunk to figure out how to open the door properly. So, I had no shoes, no purse, no cell. I decided to continue on to my gf's house who lives down the street. I must also note that I did ring the doorbell of this guys house to try and get him to answer the door so we could get his dog. But he never woke up. He did get his dog back in the morning, heard her barking at his front door. That is the only good news. I end up at my girlfriends house and her and her fiance were still up, drinking. They are also huge drunks. I had 2 beers with them on the deck. Told them my dilemma. I black out at this point. I found out what happened. I didn't want to pass out and I got out of control. I threw a tiki light off of their deck which hit a pretty nice mercedes and cracked the windshield. Her fiance and my gf, we all went outside at this point, and her fiance was telling me to leave. I shoved him up against the garage, which woke up my gf's roommate and her boyfriend who owned the car. I happen to be friends with the roommate as well, but never met her boyfriend before. He was being calm about it, and said he would just take my information down, and would contact me if there is any further damage, which there was not. Just the windshield. Either way, I would not give him my information and I tried to attack her boyfriend. Finally, I walked away and was knocking on random townhomes. I must also note that I used to live next door to my gf and her fiance and he roommate. The police were called due to me knocking on doors. They brought me back to the townhome area I used to live in since that is still on file, only to find out I no longer live there. Police knocked on my old townhouse and found that out. So, the police brought me to the hospital where I remained in detox for the rest of the morning. I was admitted around 6 AM.

 

Things were fuzzy at my buddies house, but I remember leaving, the dog getting away. I remember going to my friends house...talking to my gf and her fiance. This rest is complete blank!!!! I just wake up in the hospital still drunk. I'm so disgusted in myself. This kind of stuff is humiliating and one can lose friends due to this. I apologized to those that were affected by my behavior. Some may be more forgiving than others. Which is understandable. I know I'm an alcoholic. I also have been taking anxiety pills, which could have even made things go over the top. I have been to AA for the past few years on and off. I have done outpatient. This was my relapse story. Of course word is slowly getting around. My gf told her brother I was over and a fight happened. And, that I came from the old high school friend's house. She may have told him about the altercation, but not going to the hospital. Her brother tells a buddy of my ex. But, my ex refused to listen to the gossip. Finally, my ex asked me, I told him everything that happened and he was not upset. Also, my buddy with the dog, somehow got my number, and checked to see if I was okay, was obviously concerned about me since i left my purse and shoes there which I got the next day. He was not upset about his dog. He was very nice. I also omitted that I ended up in detox, because it is humiliating.

 

I just feel like ****. And, I have never been known to be aggressive like that. It is a scary thing. I feel ashamed. I feel depressed. I'm in outpatient now, and I feel scared to tell them I relapsed because they will kick me out of the program. I had a DUI a few months ago which landed me in treatment. I feel as if I cannot even leave my own home. I have no idea why I wrote this, I know what the problem is. I just am completely sick that I did this last week.

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You realize you have a problem, which is the first step. You say you have been in and out of AA, have you gotten a sponsor and worked the steps? You can get sober and stay sober. I have been sober through AA for over 9 years. I can sit here and quote the Big Book to you, but you have to really want it.

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peppermintpaddy
I know what the problem is.

 

Thats the most important sentence you wrote.Do something about it.Get help.Get your ass to AA.It works.

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peppermintpaddy
My heart goes out to you and I appreciate the courage it took for your to share your story. I understand that you didn't mean to hurt your friends. The good news is that you've already taken an important step toward change in going through detox and getting outpatient help. I encourage you to take a look at this FAQ I came across in my time with Focus on the Family which lists other ideas to help you with this struggle. Focus even has counselors you can talk with over the phone (at no cost to you). You can reach them by calling Monday through Friday between 6:00 A.M. and 8:00 P.M. (MT) at 1-855-771-HELP (4357). You may even want to take a look at the articles under the "Abuse and Addiction" section of their website.

 

I hope you'll take a look at these options. In the meantime, be assured, I'll be praying for you, asking God to watch over you and surround you with His love. Grace and peace.

 

WHOA-hold it right there.Don't be trying to play the Religion card under the table to this poor woman.I'm a recovered alcoholic,and ive seen how organisations like yours actually kill addicts.They kill them with well meaning advice and good intentions.When it comes to alcoholism,leave it to the experts-AA.

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Thank you for the advice. I'm really struggling. My ex and i hung out this week. Everything was fine until last night. We both are bad drunks. He will not do AA. Not sure he will quit drinking. He is a trigger due to our past relatiinship where we always drank and fought. We have had the most amazing 6 months ever. We were sober. But, when he was put with his guys he would drink. I would not drink with him but i heard how hammered he was a few weeks ago and I was concerned. I spoke ro treatment and my sponsor about the incident a week ago. Well, yesterday I relapsed again. My ex and I drank together. We fought. I blacked out. Now he never wants to hang out again and I'm devastated but at the same time, could we ever curve the drinking? I'm now pushing again to do more A.A.. I cannot do this fight alone. I'm sick of hurting others and myself. Been crying all day. So sick of hurting myself!!! I feel hopless. I'm a reoccuring relapser and I fear death is on the horizen. I wonder if I can ever remain sober for good. My ex cried today. He is going to stop seeing me but will continue drinking. Messed up?. I have so much shame and guilt from last night. Today was a new day and so is tomorrow. What a mess i created. The worst part is blacking out...not remembering what I did or say . This time I hurt the boy i love most. This is another blackout nightmare and I must try harder.

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I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm sending you a cyber-hug. Your pain really comes through in your posts.

 

You aren't alone. I know it seems, right now, like you're the only person in the world who has done something stupid but you so aren't.

 

I dunno if you're in a big city or not, but if you are, there are likely several AA meetings a day. Go to as many as you can, would be my advice.

 

When I found out my ex (then-boyfriend) was a cokehead (I wrote about it here in Jan 2011), I started going to alanon like crazy. It helped but I needed more time with others so people suggested I go to AA, which I did, and I was totally honest with them as to why I was there.

 

They were so great, so supportive. They saved me from losing my mind.

 

Anyway, I've had issues with alcohol myself and blacked out.

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Thank you for the advice. I'm really struggling. My ex and i hung out this week. Everything was fine until last night. We both are bad drunks. He will not do AA. Not sure he will quit drinking. He is a trigger due to our past relatiinship where we always drank and fought. We have had the most amazing 6 months ever. We were sober. But, when he was put with his guys he would drink. I would not drink with him but i heard how hammered he was a few weeks ago and I was concerned. I spoke ro treatment and my sponsor about the incident a week ago. Well, yesterday I relapsed again. My ex and I drank together. We fought. I blacked out. Now he never wants to hang out again and I'm devastated but at the same time, could we ever curve the drinking? I'm now pushing again to do more A.A.. I cannot do this fight alone. I'm sick of hurting others and myself. Been crying all day. So sick of hurting myself!!! I feel hopless. I'm a reoccuring relapser and I fear death is on the horizen. I wonder if I can ever remain sober for good. My ex cried today. He is going to stop seeing me but will continue drinking. Messed up?. I have so much shame and guilt from last night. Today was a new day and so is tomorrow. What a mess i created. The worst part is blacking out...not remembering what I did or say . This time I hurt the boy i love most. This is another blackout nightmare and I must try harder.

 

Sometimes we have to leave those triggers behind. It isn't easy, but worth it. You have a sponsor so cling to her. Have you worked the steps? If you follow the path laid out in the Big Book, you won't fail.

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