I need guidance.

[socksem1]

HI there.

 

New here.

 

I need some guidance, maybe some tips on healing & dealing with a very complicated situation. I'll try to sum it up with key points, condensing, as much as I can.

 

I was involved with a guy for awhile, our first date was horrible, which we could only laugh about, during & after. We clicked, had chemistry & I was willing to take a chance. Buuuut, about two weeks after we became "official", his mom got killed.

 

We went automatically into intense relationship mode, without any type of 'newlywed' period. I was okay with that, I was supportive & encouraging, giving him what he wanted (space) or being a shoulder to cry on.

 

Sexually, we would mess around, but he hadn't had sex in years, since his last serious relationship. He, honestly, acted a lot like a nervous virgin. So, I let him guide where he wanted our physical stuff to go. I knew he watched porn & we'd share fantasies...but it never got to actual sex, between us.

 

Looking back, I WAS a good girlfriend. (and I'm not much of a 'girlfriend' girl, I'm a 'date' girl).

 

Which stung awfully bad when he broke up with me a few months later out of nowhere. I tried to understand, I knew he was going through some bad stuff, but I liked him a lot. Slowly I accepted it & we became friends.

 

Throughout the past few years, we were very close. (Looking back, we pretty much agreed that we were still in some form of a relationship, without titles.), emailed or texted everyday...had deep, emotional conversations..etc..

 

Then, a year later, he revealed to me that he had been sleeping around with a lot random girls. I was hurt so bad. Sure, I had seen other guys, had boyfriends, but he had become, in his words, "a whore". (Didn't even know names. Just went home with anyone.) I was shell shocked, that he had held back for so long....but then decided that THIS was the best way for him.

 

It has been all downhill from there. I accepted (after the initial shock) that he was 'seeing' other girls, dating & doing...ya know...his thing.

 

Until the online bragging started.

 

I didn't want to know that he had been laid the previous night. I didn't want to read details. I am very private, period. (He still has no idea how many people I've been with.) I love this man. He refused to be with me. Just because his feelings changed, doesn't mean mine didn't.

 

I told him I didn't think we could be friends anymore. But breaking away was a lot harder than I thought it would be. We were 'emotionally' connected, he had been there for me through so many issues (including losing my job), I was there through the stuff with his mom. But, seeing him brag about his conquest, where I knew our mutual friends could see...just became too much. Sure, I was jealous, but MOSTLY, I just felt like a fool. He had changed right before my eyes & I could do nothing but...watch.

 

After we walked away from each other (this past January), his bragging & behavior has gotten worse. If I contacted him (like when a mutual friend was in the hospital), he would bash me on social networking "Check this, ____ says she doesn't want to be friends with me anymore, yet she's texting me..." (he's 30, btw) OUR friends would contact me, because I had a right to know & also out of concern for him. From some of the stuff being sent to me, I think the man I fell for, really has just died. I was called lots of names, 'jealous hypocrite', the most.

 

I'm not going to lie, I shot back a few times. Sadly, our friends got involved & now are on sides.

 

THEN, I realized he had been hiring porn stars & escorts to have sex with him.

 

We finally got to where we could talk, civilized, about it (without fighting). But, he has told me way too much about his adventures with these girls (girls I can look up & WATCH online...), and that he is forming relationships (where they let him stay the night for free & invite him out) with them. "We just work around the infidelity issue most couples have."

 

I just....didn't want to know. And if he had never said/posted anything that caused concern, I could have lived my happy little life, never knowing.

 

We have been writing back & forth for the past two months, trying to salvage something.

 

I am pretty much past EVERYTHING but the relationships with porn stars he PAYS, thing. (I kinda exploded again when I found a sex toy of one of his 'girls' - texted him a picture saying "look, I can buy her too!") he states that he is addicted, and he will never change. His bragging was because he lost self-respect for himself. (he said that that). He doesn't like what he's doing...but does it anyway to escape --- like a drug.

 

This man is wrong for me. I know he is. He has changed. I understand that grief can do some awful things to you. But, I am a GIRL, a NORMAL girl. NOT good enough for him, but THEY are. He would never touch me ("the only difference is, I have sex with them & there is money exchanged.") But, will write novels with me back & forth trying to explain/defend his actions as to why he does these things..& how he broke up with me, originally, to protect me from him. ("Just because I couldn't love you, doesn't mean I couldn't care.")

 

We decided that it just can't be fixed, we can't be friends & he refuses to work on anything else. And it's too much to just get over.

 

The last time we spoke, he told me I had been the most important thing in his life, for the better part of three years.

 

I said "I am leaving this in....(his "girlfriends names") hands & praying they can give you the support you need to find happiness." he got very angry with me, because he had asked me not to talk about it (but they are in a 'relationship'? I'm aware of them & he brags to everyone else?)

 

I really do give up. I have reached my limit. I care about him, but I give. There is only so much I can take. I feel like I've gone through a divorce.

 

MY guidance (if you are still with me, I know...this has been long) is HOW do I get over this? How do I cope with overcoming his addiction, for MY sanity sake? I do not have insurance, I cannot seek counseling. How do I get these images out of my head? I have asked my friends not to tell me anything he says about me, but I'm still paranoid that he's bashing me. (even though there has been no contact). My self-esteem has plummeted, I find myself comparing me to these girls. If the technology from "Eternal Sunshine" was available, I would totally use it, just to delete the trauma.

 

Anyone got ANYTHING to help me sleep tonight?

[CarrieT]

MY guidance (if you are still with me, I know...this has been long) is HOW do I get over this? How do I cope with overcoming his addiction, for MY sanity sake? I do not have insurance, I cannot seek counseling. How do I get these images out of my head? I have asked my friends not to tell me anything he says about me, but I'm still paranoid that he's bashing me. (even though there has been no contact). My self-esteem has plummeted, I find myself comparing me to these girls. If the technology from "Eternal Sunshine" was available, I would totally use it, just to delete the trauma.

 

Anyone got ANYTHING to help me sleep tonight?

 

I am so sorry you have had to go through this. The short, pithy answer to your bolded question above is T-I-M-E...

 

There is no quick band-aid and you are doing everything you can by askin gyour friends to not tell you anything.

 

You can't be concerned with what he is saying about you. Be true to yourself and know that you did everything you could to help him and that he chose a sadder, more destructive path.

 

Hang out here a lot. We can be your counselor as you start to rebuild your self-esteem. Hang out with those friends who know you and can help bolster your self-opinion.

 

And know - as painful as it is - eventually it will hurt less. Yes, the pithy comment: Time does heal all wounds....