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Do I stay or do I go? Cocaine.


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Hi,

 

Im just gonna get straight to the point

 

I've been reading a lot on the net about cocaine addiction and have now come to the conclusion that my fiance is definitely a user. After reading a lot of stories on here, I can see there are so many of you out there in similar situations as me and I would really appreciate any kind of help as I'm so scared and confused about what to do right now.

 

Basically, I'm in my early 20s and my fiance is in his early 30s. We have been together for 4 years and lived together for 2 years. It all started about 14 months ago. At work we had a drug speaker in. We had been given leaflets etc about Cocaine and other drugs and while the speaker was talking I started to realise my fiance has a lot, if not all of the symptoms of taking of cocaine. So, I started to keep a closer eye on him, looking more closely at his behaviour and stuff. Every weekend he has the typical symptoms, sniffling, runny, bloody nose, always tired and sleeping, paranoid if I ever go out without him (which is rare cos I never go out with friends anymore unless it's a special occasion as I just can't be asked with the accusations I get when I get home (usually before 12am) - he always manages to make me feel I was in the wrong or his friend saw me dancing with another man, which I can't help as my group of friends are from school days and so a lot of them are guys but I have never dated any and nor do I fancy any, and he knows this). Anyway, he has taken money out of my account, £50 at the most and claims he needs to pay someone for work they've done for his company and he'll pay me back. He rarely pays my back but does treat me and buy me things I want or need. I have also recently found rolled up papers and little plastic bags with remains of White powder in the house. I have never confronted him because I know he'll deny it as I have made it clear from the beginning I am very anti drug. Never tried any kind of drug and I don't drink. I do smoke, though. He claims his bad nose is an allergy to our dog. He snorts and coughs up phlegm a lot. I have now completely lost respect for him as I do not agree with drugs at all. In the past when we have talked about drugs I have told him how I hate them and my ex was dumped because of them. I have said how they made me feel unloved and like I'm not good enough so drugs are needed to have fun with me when I was with my ex so I really don't think he will take it lightly if I confront him so I am really scared.

 

Right now, I feel ready to leave him. I have no respect for him or for me for staying with him for this long. Thinking about it, I believe he has alwas been a user while he has been with me, so I just feel like our whole relationship is based on a huge lie. He's quite manipulative and knows how to turn any situation. Whenever I'm gaining the confidence to confront him, he manages to do something lovely to make me forget the drugs for a while. He can be so lovely and we do have a laugh. But is that enough? Please help me. I'm so desperate to know what you guys think and whether I should try and save this or move on. I know it should be my decision, but with ni one to talk to about it as I just couldn't bare telling people I know, I just can't think straight on my own. It's killing me and he is starting to notice I don't have the energy to even kiss him anymore. Any help will be amazing. Thank you for reading!! :)

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Do I understand correctly that he's denying any drug use?

 

Knowing myself, I think it would be hard for me to take any action without knowning for sure. I wonder if you could take one of those little baggies to someone who would know?

 

In any case, if he is using Cocaine, I think you need to get out quick. And I would also recommend a support group for the family/friends of drug users. You can't fix him and you don't deserve the awful stuff that's sure to follow.

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Thank you so much for your quick response and support. It's really appreciated. I don't think he has any idea I'm onto him. I believe he is oblivious. that's why I just don't know what to do. I know I need to ask him out right, but I've read on the net to be careful when confronting someone who is an addict. I'm pretty sure he is as there is just so much evidence and it's a lot of coincidences if he's not. I love him and care for him so much. He's like my best friend and he tells me constantly how much I mean to him and how in love he is but I have fallen out of love because of this stuff playing on my mind.

 

Thanks again for replying. Really helps to know there are people out there willing to help others. :)

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Welcome to LS :)

 

Your description sounds like a user to me. We have a few users in recovery here as well as at least one substance addiction counselor so hopefully they'll chime in.

 

Support and Information

 

I treat drug addicts like mentally ill people. Agree, re-direct and seek help and support. Avoid confrontation. Different methodologies work for different circumstances.

 

My sympathies .....

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Knowing myself, I think it would be hard for me to take any action without knowning for sure. I wonder if you could take one of those little baggies to someone who would know?

 

 

The little baggies with white powder in them are evidence enough. Coke, meth, heroin (does not sound like heroin); all the same result to your relationship - destruction.

 

Please be true to yourself and get out of this relationship. You have already stayed too long for your own good, and you are not doing him good by staying.

 

I speak from experience from both sides of this story - I am an addict in recovery, and divorced from a using addict.

 

There is so much pain and devastation ahead if you don't stick to your own values NOW and get out, no matter how difficult, how much you feel for him, and what kind of hopes you hold onto.

 

Free groups like Al-anon or Narcanon exist for you to find support with other people who are going through something like what you are, and to help you avoid letting YOUR life go down with somebody you love's sinking ship.

 

Please take care of yourself.

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Again, thank you for your replies and thoughts. I think I am starting to see a little clearer now. Hearing what people think from outside of the relationship with no emotional attachment is making me realise what advice I would give to myself if I read my post. I kinda know what I have to do, it's just gaining the strength to do it. As I've said he is my best friend and I know that to help him sort his life out, I need to help myself by getting out of this relationship no matter how hard I will find it.

 

I do have a question though. How do I do it? I know it's hard to answer but I just don't even know how to bring it up. I hate confrontation and have never done anything like it before in my life. And something as big as cocaine is a big thing for a first confrontation.

 

I've been thinking maybe show him the bags and rolled up paper to him and ask him what they are. Or just out right ask him and then show him the evidence if he says no. I've read that I shouldn't ask him when I suspect he's high. But the high version of him is so much easier to break up with. When he's not high, he's a great, sensitive, loving guy. I don't want to hurt him. Any info will be amazingly appreciated. It already feels so good to he able to talk it out and vent my feelings. But to get replies and stuff is amazing. I should have done this a long time ago. Apologies for the looong posts. I guess I really am typing out everything I'm thinking and not hesitating to put anything and everything down.

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It's not just about him doing drugs. It is the results to your relationship that are the deal breakers.

 

He is lying, sneaking, doing weird financial things, becoming paranoid and controlling with you.

 

I would show him the "evidence" and tell him that you need to end the relationship. Have yourself ready to leave and have a place to go.

 

He is likely to deny all and to "gaslight," to make you feel like an untrusting beeyotch and other bad things. He is also likely to try the other tact - to charm you, or to cry and plead and promise things will be different. THEY WILL NOT BE. He is not even close to thinking about changing, from what you describe.

 

I know it is not easy, and if I am making it sound simple I apologize. It's like quitting drugs, though. You just need to get your support stuff lined up for YOURSELF and go through with it.

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SincereOnlineGuy
Do I stay or do I go? Cocaine.

 

I didn't really read past "Hi"... and "...straight to the point"

 

 

This one is easy, based only on the title of your thread:

 

 

Leave !!!

 

 

You are simply better than to need to stoop to the level of a drug addict.

 

 

(and I say that while having no individual sense of 'you' )

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Thanks for all your replies. I guess the answer is leave then. God this so hard. But I've gotta do it, right? For both of us to move on. Im just so scared. :(

 

Thanks for the info though. X

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Confused728. I read your other post. I'm guessing you broke up in the end? How is that going now? Two years on now, right? And how did you do it? I don't even know how/when to bring it up with my fiance. My head's a mess. It's telling me to let go but part of me says it'll get better. I know it won't. Arghhh. Four years is a long time to walk out on, I guess that's what is sucking me in somehow. But I need to think about the future right? And nit think of the good times in the past. So difficult.

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Confused728. I read your other post. I'm guessing you broke up in the end? How is that going now? Two years on now, right? And how did you do it? I don't even know how/when to bring it up with my fiance. My head's a mess. It's telling me to let go but part of me says it'll get better. I know it won't. Arghhh. Four years is a long time to walk out on, I guess that's what is sucking me in somehow. But I need to think about the future right? And nit think of the good times in the past. So difficult.

 

Yes we broke up it was very confusing.. I still miss him alot.. but we got back together in Dec 09 and Ended it again in Feb 2010.. I was on his computer and found he was hooking up with someone.. we have talked a few times since but he always seems to bring up his druggie friends which gets me mad.. then he told me he was going to a cookout with them in august and i haven't spoken to him since.. I have my good days and bad sometimes i want to talk to him.. i wonder if it was in my head ect.. I think you should still confront him so you can gage his reaction.. just dont walk out at first make sure he knows that you know he is doing drugs..Ask for an explanation and see what he says or if he gives you an excuse then make ur judgment from there.. I would love to know what he says if he admits it or if he is in denial like mine.. but they do try to turn it around on you...

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So, I confronted him and he denied everything. Showed the bags and he said it was his mates and that he'd never touch the stuff. He promised he'd never do anything like it. I can't say I trust him 100% cos the proof was there and I know what I feel and stuff. But I Couldn't walk walk out based on my word against his. I guess if it is him, he'll be a lot more careful when he uses and I will find nothing else. I knew that he'd never admit it anyway if it was him, cos he knows I'd leave. So now I'm here, still worrying and stuck. :/ Is it wrong to not trust him when he's explained everything?

 

Thanks for listening.

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Don't leave him if he's your fiancé... You have to decide if you want to help him (I'm guessing seeing as you're getting married you're going to care about him..) and if so tell him you'll be there to help him through it, but if he doesn't quit, you will leave. Be very assertive with that part. He has to understand you will really leave him.

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As I said, the stuff you found coupled with his behavior is evidence enough.

 

EVERY drug addict in the world will lie. I was one, I was married to one. I can tell you, I really do know.

 

I strongly disagree with the above poster who says that you should not leave him because he is your fiance. He is NOT wanting her to help him with his drug problem; he won't admit he has one. What he does want is her enabling. Someone standing by us and pretending to believe our lies when we are actively self destructing (and destroying others too) is very helpful to keep addictive behavior alive.

 

OP. If you are serious about drugs being a deal breaker, you do need to find the strength to leave your fiance. Don't think of it as your word vs his. You will never win those arguments. Just think of is like this: Is his behavior and what he is bringing to this relationship GOOD for me? Is it making my life BETTER?

 

Whether you do or don't leave him I hope you will go find a support group for people whose loved ones are addicted to drugs, like NarAnon or AlAnon, and stay in that group whatever happens ... even if you find it annoying.

 

Best.

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