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4 Months sober and i'm falling hard for this amazing girl!!


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Hi everyone,

 

So here is a snapshot of my situation. I have been sober for four months now and find myself having constant crushes and love obsessions. No matter what, it always seems like I have to be fixated and obsessing over someone. Perhaps its my disease just manifesting in a different way.

 

So there is this wonderful girl I've met in recovery and for about a month we had been flirting back and forth and so on. Up until last week, our attraction to each other was unspoken. Every time we see each other at meetings we always exchange these long and deeply affectionate hugs.

 

For awhile it was driving me crazy that our feelings for each other weren't spoken to each other and I had a burning desire to tell her so last week I pulled her aside after a meeting and told her the truth. I told her that I appreciated getting to know her and that i have a crush on her and that I am very attracted to her, however I don't have any expectations for our relationship.( Let me also note that this gal has 7 years of sobriety which is much more than my four months) She thanked me for telling her and said that it took her 1-2 years of sobriety to love herself and be ready for a relationship. She also said maybe some people it takes less time. She also said she has been having the same feelings but she is moving away for college in 3 months. Then she said "who knows what the universe has in store for us." after that we gave each other that sweet loving and tender hug we always give each other and then we parted ways. I'm kind of hurting over this as it was a bittersweet exchange.

 

I recently found out that she is having a party to celebrate her seventh year of sobriety and she didn't invite me. I think perhaps she's trying to play it cool now because she knows she will be leaving in 3 short months and doesn't want to get too attached. She is so beautiful and unlike anyone I have ever been attracted too. She truly is a beacon of love and light. It hurts me that the timing is off for us to be together and I'm not sure how to handle this. I want her in my future and could really see myself being deeply committed with her.

 

Would anyone like to offer some advice or share their experience, strength and hope with me? Thank you so much. I greatly appreciate it.

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First off congrats on 4 months of beign sober.. that's a great accomplishment you should be so proud of that.:) Now..From what I have understand, it's important not to make an real big life changes in your first year of sobriety. I think getting into a serious R at this point might not be a good idea for you. I would enjoy the bond you have formed with this person and pull strength from her but keep your heart safe if you know what I mean. Falling to hard for this woman.. could backfire and cause a potential set back for you. Take it one day at a time. Best wishes.

 

AP:)

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  • 3 weeks later...
Hi everyone,

 

So here is a snapshot of my situation. I have been sober for four months now and find myself having constant crushes and love obsessions. No matter what, it always seems like I have to be fixated and obsessing over someone. Perhaps its my disease just manifesting in a different way.

 

So there is this wonderful girl I've met in recovery and for about a month we had been flirting back and forth and so on. Up until last week, our attraction to each other was unspoken. Every time we see each other at meetings we always exchange these long and deeply affectionate hugs.

 

For awhile it was driving me crazy that our feelings for each other weren't spoken to each other and I had a burning desire to tell her so last week I pulled her aside after a meeting and told her the truth. I told her that I appreciated getting to know her and that i have a crush on her and that I am very attracted to her, however I don't have any expectations for our relationship.( Let me also note that this gal has 7 years of sobriety which is much more than my four months) She thanked me for telling her and said that it took her 1-2 years of sobriety to love herself and be ready for a relationship. She also said maybe some people it takes less time. She also said she has been having the same feelings but she is moving away for college in 3 months. Then she said "who knows what the universe has in store for us." after that we gave each other that sweet loving and tender hug we always give each other and then we parted ways. I'm kind of hurting over this as it was a bittersweet exchange.

 

I recently found out that she is having a party to celebrate her seventh year of sobriety and she didn't invite me. I think perhaps she's trying to play it cool now because she knows she will be leaving in 3 short months and doesn't want to get too attached. She is so beautiful and unlike anyone I have ever been attracted too. She truly is a beacon of love and light. It hurts me that the timing is off for us to be together and I'm not sure how to handle this. I want her in my future and could really see myself being deeply committed with her.

 

Would anyone like to offer some advice or share their experience, strength and hope with me? Thank you so much. I greatly appreciate it.

 

OH MY GOSH!!!!

 

Seriously, I could have written this almost word-for-word about a month ago. Goodness!!! That's insane.... ah, we're all so much alike aren't we? :)

 

I became very good friends with 3 very awesome people from one of the meetings that I frequent. We were hanging out together all the time and we all got along so well and complimented each other so amazingly. I started developing feelings for one of them and the feeling was mutual but she also has many years in sobriety and has dated "newcomers" before and it turned out terribly.

 

The timing was just COMPLETELY OFF!!!

 

So I took a break from hanging out with them (I still hung out with the others sometimes, just not all three of us together). I stayed down at my home group and focused on ME and getting my sh*t together and getting myself healthy. This was all suggested by my sponsor.

 

My sponsor told me that, as alcoholics, we are starved for attention and we go looking for ways to get out of ourselves and focus on another person so we don't have to look at ourselves and fix us.

 

So, yes, it is your disease. What my sponsor and others in the program suggest is that you wait at least a year and then you can attempt to start dating again. There isn't a set time, but at least a year and when you have gone through all of the steps.

 

After I went through my 5th step, I was like "WOW! Okay, THIS is why I need to stay out of relationships for a while and focus on me." So much about me was uncovered, it was unreal. I learned so much about myself, my defects, and the things that are inherently wrong with me. After that I had (and still have) no desire to date at ALL for a looooong time. I am staying away from that stuff and I will fight any temptation for at least another 9 months.

 

But wow..... I seriously could have written that word-for-word about a month or so ago. We exchanged more than a few glances, though. Hah. Not too much.... but more than a few glances. ;)

 

It's all good now! She is actually going to be tutoring me in math tomorrow! Once I am done with the semester, I will be able to hang out with all of them again!! That stupid crush is gone. I'm still attracted to her (I'm attracted to lots of people), but the crush is gone.

 

Woot!

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