Jump to content

What do I say or do?


Recommended Posts

amaysngrace

My exBF and I broke up the other day. He's an alcoholic but mostly he has OCD. He says he uses the alcohol to stop the thoughts that churn in his head. The main problem with that is he's an alcoholic. So it's not medicine but poison for him.

 

He can get the OCD under control throught Prozac he says. He did it a few years back and didn't drink for two years as a result.

 

Last night he comes by here and says he's going back to see the doctor who prescibes him the Prozac. He seems to think it'll get him to where he needs to be. He will like himself again.

 

I told him that I think it's great that he wants to get the help he needs. He's been talking about it for a really long time so I am glad it's finally happening. (I didn't tell him that, just thought it)

 

We had an awkward moment before he left here, and I told him I'm behind him and will support him in any way I can. I also told him that I can't be with him anymore if he doesn't see this through.

 

He got very mad at me. I guess it's because I gave him an ultimatum. But it's one I am fully prepared to follow through with. I'm not bluffing.

 

He left here in a huff saying that it's cause I want to see other guys. WTF? I called him immediately and apologized for hurting his feelings. I don't want to hurt him, I don't. But I can't go on with things the way they are.

 

His misery was robbing me of my own happiness.

 

So anyway I'm not sure what to do now. I want him to know I'm on his team about this. But at the same time I want him to know I'll walk if I have to. Should I just forget about mentioning my position and focus solely on his? How do I successfully back him up in a nice way?

 

I should have mentioned the sex thing probably, that I'd sacrifice it for him to get well. He said before that Prozac messed him up a little in that department. He didn't bring it up but I think it could be on his mind.

 

Anyway I want to support him as kindly as I can. What should I say or do to let him know I'm here for him?

Link to post
Share on other sites

If he doesn't want to clean himself up for, well, himself, then surely he can do it for you. You should be enough of a reason.

 

The thing is, we enter relationships expecting the other person to accept us just as we are. Baggage and all.

 

Do you think he can see that this is hurting you? If he truly can, then it's time for him to prove that he's a man, and not a mouse.

 

Not that mice aren't cool. The wheel thing is cute.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
amaysngrace

 

Do you think he can see that this is hurting you? If he truly can, then it's time for him to prove that he's a man, and not a mouse.

 

 

It's not just hurting me, it's hurting him and it's hurting us.

 

I really think if it's done for me then it's done for the wrong reasons. It should be done for himself, because he demands a better standard of living.

 

In a weird kind of way it's like having these problems gives him excuses. He has no accountability for his behaviour because it was the OCD or the alcohol. It's like a free pass to do or say whatever the hell you want and not be held responsible.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I really think if it's done for me then it's done for the wrong reasons. It should be done for himself, because he demands a better standard of living.

Good point, but sometimes a depressed person needs to believe in more than themselves. Doing it for you is as good a reason as any. Then he can resent you for all the "sacrifices," and make you his personal slave by riding your guilt, haha.

In a weird kind of way it's like having these problems gives him excuses. He has no accountability for his behaviour because it was the OCD or the alcohol. It's like a free pass to do or say whatever the hell you want and not be held responsible.
Alcohol is only an excuse when one is willing to accept it. Did you make it plain from the beginning that the alcoholism was something that was unacceptable?
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
amaysngrace

Alcohol is only an excuse when one is willing to accept it. Did you make it plain from the beginning that the alcoholism was something that was unacceptable?

 

I accepted it, yes. So now I'm responsible? Or am I just a bitch cause now it's not good enough?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Anyway I want to support him as kindly as I can. What should I say or do to let him know I'm here for him?

well for one thing you shouldn't threaten him with leaving if he doesn't get treated. would you say that to a bf with cancer or diabetes?

Link to post
Share on other sites
well for one thing you shouldn't threaten him with leaving if he doesn't get treated. would you say that to a bf with cancer or diabetes?

That's a ridiculous comparison. You're not addicted to cancer or diabetes. You may have increased your risk of developing these diseases because of lifestyle choices, but you can't choose cancer. Cancer chooses you.

 

Ever heard of willpower?

Link to post
Share on other sites
That's a ridiculous comparison. You're not addicted to cancer or diabetes. You may have increased your risk of developing these diseases because of lifestyle choices, but you can't choose cancer. Cancer chooses you.

 

Ever heard of willpower?

the underlying cause of his alcoholism is his OCD....you can't choose OCD or ADD or Schizophrenia either. Last I checked they are genetic anomalies one is born with.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think the underlying cause of his alcoholism is his drinking, but I could be wrong.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
amaysngrace

This isn't about me though.

 

This is his thing. He had it before he met me and he'll have it after I'm gone if he doesn't get the help he needs.

 

Right now he's at a crossroad. He can keep on like he's been keeping on and I'm gone or he try to improve himself.

 

But I honestly can't see myself with him anymore if he doesn't try. What's the point? I want to progress through life and not stay stuck. And if he wants to stay stuck all I see for us is my resentment down the road.

 

But at the same time I want him to do this for himself, otherwise there will be his resentment possibly down the road for me making him do this. Or maybe he'll thank me for it. I can't say for certain which way that can go.

 

All I can say for certain is I know the way things are now. And it's unacceptable for me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I think the underlying cause of his alcoholism is his drinking, but I could be wrong.

many alcoholics have an underlying psychiatric condition...that goes for drug addicts also. read up on the latest psychiatric journals.

Link to post
Share on other sites
And it's unacceptable for me.

It's good that you told him. He knows where things stand.

Link to post
Share on other sites
All I can say for certain is I know the way things are now. And it's unacceptable for me.

he is screwed either way....its Hobson's Choice for him. If he doesn't get treated then you leave him. If he does get treated then he won't be the same person you fell in love with and again you will leave.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
amaysngrace
well for one thing you shouldn't threaten him with leaving if he doesn't get treated. would you say that to a bf with cancer or diabetes?

 

No I wouldn't. But it's like comparing apples to oranges IMO. Treatment for cancer is horrific and I wouldn't take it so personally if someone opted not to go that route.

 

OCD is treated with Prozac. The side effects are minimal compared to chemo or radiation. Plus it's going to work. With cancer there's no guarantee.

Link to post
Share on other sites
No I wouldn't. But it's like comparing apples to oranges IMO. Treatment for cancer is horrific and I wouldn't take it so personally if someone opted not to go that route.

 

OCD is treated with Prozac. The side effects are minimal compared to chemo or radiation. Plus it's going to work. With cancer there's no guarantee.

OCD has been known to lead to ruin lives and can possibley lead to suicide. In addition, many times OCD also co-exists with other psychiatric illnesses and/or substance abuse. This is a matter just a serious as any other medical problem. Your thinking is that of most others....that mental anomalies are secondary to physical anomalies, which is a highly ignorant way of thinking.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
amaysngrace
OCD has been known to lead to ruin lives and can possibley lead to suicide. In addition, many times OCD also co-exists with other psychiatric illnesses and/or substance abuse. This is a matter just a serious as any other medical problem. Your thinking is that of most others....that mental anomalies are secondary to physical anomalies, which is a highly ignorant way of thinking.

 

I understand that OCD is his main problem. I see the guy suffer with it before he puts a drink in him. He has been suicidal at times just to make the thoughts shut up.

 

Which is why he needs the prozac. To quiet things down. But he doesn't want to take the prozac because it makes his mind quiet down to that of a zombie. It completely changes his creativity to where his brain is almost numb.

 

His doctor told him that the older he gets the worse the OCD becomes. But I love this guy. And I want those thoughts to quiet down for him. As he said "so he can be happy again".

 

Personally I think that he is faced with the lesser of two evils here. Quiet it down with Prozac or quiet it down with alcohol.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Personally I think that he is faced with the lesser of two evils here. Quiet it down with Prozac or quiet it down with alcohol.

actually the choice is between treatment or possible death.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
amaysngrace
If he does get treated then he won't be the same person you fell in love with and again you will leave.

 

Please give me a little more credit than that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
amaysngrace
actually the choice is between treatment or possible death.

 

It really sucks for him. He hates his life. He says that when I rub his back it's the only time he feels truly comforted and relaxed.

 

How could OCD cause death? Suicide? Or are you talking about drinking himself to death?

Link to post
Share on other sites
How could OCD cause death? Suicide? Or are you talking about drinking himself to death?

yes both...

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
amaysngrace
yes both...

 

So then I guess I need to tell him that whatever he chooses to do with himself I will be behind him no matter what?

Link to post
Share on other sites
So then I guess I need to tell him that whatever he chooses to do with himself I will be behind him no matter what?

yes....threatening him with leaving if he doesn't get medical care is a bad idea. thats why he is pissed off. you should say sorry to him for that. i mean, if you want to split then just split.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
amaysngrace
yes....threatening him with leaving if he doesn't get medical care is a bad idea. thats why he is pissed off. you should say sorry to him for that.

 

Thank you Alpha. He said he's lost so many people in his life before because of this.

 

I think he's looking for me to accept him and be here for him no matter what.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Alpha is right. It's not the drug, it's the habit. That said, alcohol does not help psychiatric conditions, make him switch to pot, it's comparatively harmless and can actually help.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...