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emotionally distant


had_enough

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Hi,

 

I've been married to the same man for 20 years, and we have one child. Throughout our marriage, he has always told me that he is in control of our finances, due to the fact that I wasn't making as much as he was. He has always worked in managerial positions in the companies he has worked for. Throughout our marriage he has always seemed distant, and often when I try to talk to him, he cuts me off. I have asked him to go for marital counselling, and he refused. I have never been able to get emotionally close to this man.

 

A couple of years ago, I got a great job as a teacher at a college. Finally, after all these years, I learned to drive a car. I am much more independent now. I earn as much as he does, but he still is very controlling with our joint account. He gives me a small allowance each week. He monitors our joint account, and questions me when I write a check for myself when I need more than what he gives me. He has told me that the bank won't give me a debit card for our joint account because they only allow one person in the family to have one. I called the bank after he said this, and they said this was not true.

 

He told me today, that he doesn't think I am a very reliable person. I feel used or abused or something...can anyone tell me if this is considered to be emotional abuse?

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Whether it is emotional abuse or not is immaterial. If he is taking your hard-earned money against your wishes, it is illegal. Furthermore, that sort of behaviour indicates that he may have a paranoid personality.

 

People like your husband frequently intrude excessively into their wife's life, and treat her like an object, not a person. Your statement that you only recently gained a driver's license is typical. If you can't drive, it leaves him with more control. There are many other ways such a husband belittles and controls his wife, but you have not mentioned them so perhaps we are not ready to raise them yet.

 

If you are earning wages, you are entitled to have your own bank account and your own credit card. There is no law that entitles him to question your expenditure. After all, does he let you question his expenditures?

 

You need legal advice. That does not mean you have to act against your husband. You just need a lawyer to advise you about your precise rights. Yes, you can pay for it. Start your own bank account. Pay your lawyer out of that, or wait until the lawyer advises you what to do.

 

Best of luck. The first moves in a marriage like yours are always the most difficult; but believe me, they are worth it!;)

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