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Dealing with intimate conflict


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Old 16th April 2019, 7:42 PM   #1
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Dealing with intimate conflict

As I've mentioned in other threads, I have a contentious relationship with my husband's Wife #1. I'm #3 out of four. Before I joined the family, #1 and I were on friendly terms, and she was fairly welcoming. Things started going downhill last summer and fall, and her bad behavior toward me continues.

She berates me over small household stuff. Dishes, laundry, childcare, etc. She calls me names. She teases me over aspects of my physical appearance such as skin tone, stretch marks from pregnancy, and anything else she can think of. At times she's sexually degrading. So far, I've tried my best to respond with nothing but kindness. I cuddle her. I console her when she's got issues going on. I kiss her, massage her sore spots, and I'm always sexually available. Unfortunately, my actions haven't made much difference. She wants to dominate me. Even though I'm sexually willing, she takes advantage of that and basically forces herself on me. She insists that one of my roles is to submit to her desires, even though nobody else supports that idea.

My husband is mostly unaware, and I haven't told him because I don't want to start conflict between him and #1. She's all sweetness and light when she's being watched by others. My girlfriends also don't see it. Wife #4 does, and has interceded a couple of times. I've tried not to make a big deal about it because I feel sorry for #1 and her rough past and her emotional issues. Even when we were friendly, she was extremely high strung.

Today, it got bad. I worked from home, and she just wouldn't leave me alone. She's been irritable and agitated the last couple of days, and every time we've interacted she's tried to start something. She cornered me in our bedroom, talking angrily about how I'm dumb and can't do things right. At that point, she spun me around, grabbed me and shoved me face-down onto the bed. I'm physically larger and stronger than her, so I usually just let her have her way. Today, it made me really mad and I lost control.
I feel bad for doing it, but I spun around and smacked her really hard across the face. I then grabbed her arm, used a pressure point, flipped her over and pinned her to the bed, sitting on her legs so she couldn't try anything. I just stared at her, nose-to-nose because I was so mad I couldn't come up with words. She kind of looked scared at that point, so I let her up and told her "Go F*** yourself" and I walked out.

Could I have done anything else? Is she going to try more crap in the future? Have I made a mistake in getting physical, or should I have done it earlier? I really don't want it to continue. I don't want to hurt her, but I felt I had to send a message that I'm not a rag-doll that she can play with any way she wants. I've definitely got to tell my husband, but how to start that conversation?
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Old 16th April 2019, 9:45 PM   #2
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I'm sorry you're going through this. But what you did was domestic assault. She would have every right to press charges on you if she wished to do so.

This is no different to what we tell men: Yes, she may well drive you nuts. But if the problem can't be fixed and you are so mad that you feel that you're losing control, you must leave. Assaulting someone in your household is never OK.

In your case, as the head of the house should be position to address this. A sneaky recording of what she says to you should have been enough evidence for him.
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Old 16th April 2019, 10:08 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by major_merrick View Post
Today, it made me really mad and I lost control.
I feel bad for doing it, but I spun around and smacked her really hard across the face. I then grabbed her arm, used a pressure point, flipped her over and pinned her to the bed, sitting on her legs so she couldn't try anything. I just stared at her, nose-to-nose because I was so mad I couldn't come up with words. She kind of looked scared at that point, so I let her up and told her "Go F*** yourself" and I walked out.

Have I made a mistake in getting physical, or should I have done it earlier? I really don't want it to continue. I don't want to hurt her, but I felt I had to send a message that I'm not a rag-doll that she can play with any way she wants.
I'm a bit concerned about your children both unborn and infant. Is it such a good idea to be flipping people over and physically fighting with an unborn child growing inside of you?? What if wife #1 punched or kicked you in the stomach?? The minute two people start fighting, you never know where the kicks or punches are going to land. There is a new life inside of you!

I'm also concerned wife #1 may take retaliation out on your infant daughter. You just never know what actions an angry adult is capable of.

Are you really sure this "poly" arrangement is a good environment for your children?? I mean there are a lot of adults in this house and these small new lives are vulnerable. You may have won this battle, but will you lose the war??
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Old 16th April 2019, 10:21 PM   #4
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I admit I donít understand poly relationships. Because Iíd be damned if I would be intimate with someone who insults me regularly.

Knock her teeth down her throat. Let it be known you arenít to be f*cked with not are your children. if Your husband has an issue, tell him to get wife #1 under control.
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Old 16th April 2019, 11:02 PM   #5
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I'm just surprised to hear there's even time to fight with all the marathon sex sessions going on in this compound!

I agree this is assault. You two need to be kept away from each other.
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Old 16th April 2019, 11:11 PM   #6
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I'm sorry you're going through this. But what you did was domestic assault. She would have every right to press charges on you if she wished to do so.

I think you're forgetting the part where she grabbed me and shoved me first. Not the first time she's done it, either. Under the law where I live, that's self defense. I probably shouldn't have struck her (I could have pinned her without doing that), but how else could I put a stop to it? Just laying there and letting her do her thing hasn't worked out.

At any rate, I told my husband finally. #4 has backed up my story. He's pretty irritated with her, and so is GF#1. Finally people are getting the message. There's got to be some kind of solution to put everything back together again. Or figure out what her REAL problem is with me and solve it for good.

My husband did tell me if he can't fix it, he'll turn this situation over to the community leadership. Wife #1 is very religious, so that might have some influence. I had totally forgotten about that possibility...should have gone the religious route long ago.
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Old 16th April 2019, 11:29 PM   #7
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I think you're forgetting the part where she grabbed me and shoved me first.

There has got to be some kind of solution. Or figure out what her REAL problem is with me and solve it for good.
With respect, it doesn’t mean anything that she grabbed you first. Your argument is akin to a hold who says “but he hit me first” or a man who says “she was calling me names and she pushed me, so I hit her. She was asking for it...” Assault is assault. It’s not acceptable.

It seems quite obvious to me that she is jealous. She is your husband’s wife and as such, it is his responsibility to speak to her. And, if the two of you are not able to treat each other with respect and/or maintain your self control - you need to stay separate. No contact.
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Old 16th April 2019, 11:30 PM   #8
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Iím proud of you. Itís about time.

*applause
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Old 16th April 2019, 11:49 PM   #9
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Separation aside from something temporary is impossible. We share the same house and bedroom, and neither of us has another place to be. It has to get settled somehow for good. Tonight, he's taking her to a hotel to separate us. IDK if she may live with a friend for a while until she calms, or if there will be some other solution.

Here's the crazy part - she's gone, and even after all this I actually miss her! Why the hell would I miss someone who has given me so much trouble?
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Old 16th April 2019, 11:54 PM   #10
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I think you might miss her because you love complicated relationships.
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Old 16th April 2019, 11:57 PM   #11
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Love, by it's very nature, is complicated and hard at times but so worth the journey. You are the right path it seems. I hope that it works out for you
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Old 17th April 2019, 12:26 AM   #12
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I think you might miss her because you love complicated relationships.

You are so right! It took me a decade to settle down enough to where my husband and I didn't fight all the time. We almost tore each other to pieces as teenagers. Or rather, I did. I think I did most of the tearing.

Maybe #1 and I will settle with each other given enough time. Thanks for bringing back the memories
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Old 17th April 2019, 12:40 PM   #13
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I think wife #1 feels threatened by you and feels a need to establish/repeatedly reassert dominance (socially) over you.

Part of this may be the pregnancy, esp. if the H shows affection and attachment to your existing kid. (And it's only natural that he would.) This makes her feel even more threatened so she feels an increasing need to attempt to assert dominance. Unfortunately for her, her methods pushed you too far.

Hopefully, now that you have shown that your boundary has been reached, the two of you will be able to reach a stable state where she accepts the situation.

I think it would be helpful for her to learn to express herself verbally without being unkind, giving the two of you a MUCH better mechanism for working this out. However this can be difficult as doing so would mean admitting that she does feel threatened, which she may have difficulty doing (it lowers her status psychologically to admit she feels threatened by you).
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Old 17th April 2019, 2:18 PM   #14
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sounds like a really toxic relationship...im sorry merrick...i dont have experience with polygamous relationships but what i would do if it were me in this type of situation is find asap some therapy specifically dealing with poly relationships if there is such a therapy...because the future of babies being born and living in such a situation would concern me...i would believe...in any instance that they were not safe....and that would be my main priority to bring babies up in an environment where i felt i could protect and nurture them into happy fulfilling childhoods..not an unsafe one...

......having been in domestic violence situations and helped other women in domestic violence situations i would advise you to leave until therapy and the toxicity was no longer there....or at least being worked on...because it is changing who you are...into somebody who abuses back.....does not make you less of an abuser if you hit second......and you have more than yourself to think of.....you have lives to look after who need you to make good decisions........deb
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Old 17th April 2019, 7:34 PM   #15
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I think wife #1 feels threatened by you and feels a need to establish/repeatedly reassert dominance (socially) over you.

Part of this may be the pregnancy, esp. if the H shows affection and attachment to your existing kid

I think my pregnancies have had a lot to do with it. My husband was overjoyed when I had my daughter, especially since we married with the thought that I'd never be able to conceive. #1 really didn't start acting up badly until after the birth.

#1's attempts to dominate are overtly sexual. Either criticizing my body, my sexual performance, or something along those lines. Likewise, her physical attacks have been primarily sexual, with the intention of making me submit. Giving birth and then getting pregnant again quickly must seem like a challenge to her reproductive capability - something she's placed great emphasis on in her life.

My husband asked me to go in to work today, rather than working from home, so that #1 could have the house. When he brought me back, he took her with him and they left. He's keeping us separate for a bit, and giving her plenty of 1-on-1 attention to settle her down. We have services Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday this week, so we'll be somewhat in contact with each other, but only with other people around us.
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