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I'm (28F) not sure if this was abuse or if I was only overreacting? *triggers*


Abuse Support for and discussion of psychological, physical, and sexual abuse.

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Old 12th March 2019, 7:33 AM   #1
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I'm (28F) not sure if this was abuse or if I was only overreacting? *triggers*

When I was 15 I went to a posh school and I was a social outcast with very low self-esteem. I was incredibly lonely and really wanted to make new friends with like minded people and eventually ended up hanging with the wrong crowd.

From this crowd, I entered up in a relationship with a 19 year old guy who I was in a 2 year relationship with. I remember feeling so trapped in this relationship as he would constantly tell me I was a horrible person, that I have no friends and that I am nothing without him and I just wasn't capable of leaving him as I felt incomplete as a person. The relationship was sexual and on one occasion when we had sex, the condom broke and he knowingly continued regardless and wouldn't offer support to help me get a morning after pill. This resulted in me having to reach out to my conservative mother as pharmarcies and services required that I had to be over 16 to get the morning after pill without parental consent. My mother was aware of the relationship and aware of how unhappy I was, but didn't do anything to stop it.

At the end of the relationship, he became physically abusive with me on two occasions. On one occasion he hit me when I drank too much with him and his friends and said he was just trying to 'snap me out of it'. On the second occasion, he strangled me on the bed, smashed my phone against the wall to prevent me having to call someone and ran after me when I tried to get away. From there he held me to the ground and pushed my face into the dirt and strangled me.

I was very lucky to have met a wonderful man only 4 days after this event. This guy was 19 (I was 17) and he really was a saviour figure, in that he treated me so well and the relationship was a very safe, loving space. We were together for 8 years and broke up a little over 2 years ago on mutual terms. These days I push all this stuff in the past, but I do struggle immensely with mental illness and self harm which I have been getting treatment for. I have also found myself constantly dating men with substance use problems and who are quite unkind to me but always end up leaving as I now know what its like to be in a healthy, loving relationship.

I am not sure if my situation classifies as 'abuse' per se or if I am only just being melodramatic as all the mental health professionals and people close to me haven't really shown a lot of concern about this happening to me when I have disclosed this. Not only that, I struggle to acknowledge it as abuse in the first place.

Would you say this fits within the category of abuse?
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Old 12th March 2019, 9:33 AM   #2
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You formed a bad pattern young & that pattern now looks normal to you because it's all you know.

You can turn this around but you will need a therapist.

Best wishes.
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Old 12th March 2019, 2:25 PM   #3
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Quote:
At the end of the relationship, he became physically abusive with me on two occasions. On one occasion he hit me when I drank too much with him and his friends and said he was just trying to 'snap me out of it'. On the second occasion, he strangled me on the bed, smashed my phone against the wall to prevent me having to call someone and ran after me when I tried to get away. From there he held me to the ground and pushed my face into the dirt and strangled me.
Of course this is abuse, and it sounds like there was a pattern of mental and verbal abuse long before the incidents of physical abuse. Just like a typical abusive relationship the abuse started early and escalated. What, I find odd is that you have to ask if hitting and strangling is abuse. How on earth would it not be abuse? If you had a daughter or a sister who had been strangled and hit would you seriously have to ask and debate if that's abusive behavior?

Perhaps the people in your life are not reacting too much to that abuse because it was a long time ago and you went on to have a longterm relationship with a loving partner. The mental health professionals are probably more concerned about what is going on in your life right now.
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Old 12th March 2019, 3:30 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by kokeshi12 View Post
On the second occasion, he strangled me on the bed, smashed my phone against the wall to prevent me having to call someone and ran after me when I tried to get away. From there he held me to the ground and pushed my face into the dirt and strangled me.
Assault in fact, definitely abuse.
He should be in prison.

'Normal' guys do not do these things. But there are many genuinely worthless scum who will act like this.

Its not ok.

I hope you have IC to heal and fix our picker.
Angry, intimidating arguments and physical pushiness isn't "passion" (not your words jus sayin) it is intimidation and power mongering.

Don't accept it ever.
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Old 13th March 2019, 1:19 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by kokeshi12 View Post
all the mental health professionals <snip> haven't really shown a lot of concern about this happening to me
All the mental health professionals who have not shown concern about this very traumatizing period in your life did not do a very good or competent job.
It's different for family and friends, because they don't have any training and don't necessarily have enough of their own healthy/functional personal resources and psychology to be able to help you,
properly and in all the ways that you need.

It may need for you to consult with a professional who specializes in helping people who've suffered verbal and physical abuse - which you have -
- or someone who can help you work through and overcome the lingering effects of the trauma.

Sending hugs, and best wishes.
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Old 13th March 2019, 1:35 PM   #6
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Yes it was abuse. You can try calling a local women’s shelter to see if they have counseling available to help you sort it all out.

Where I live it is totally free. And if they don’t offer counseling for survivors of abuse they may be able to direct you on where to try. It’s definitely worth making a phone call to them though.
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Old 13th March 2019, 3:05 PM   #7
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I am sorry you have had such a rough time. Good for you for standing up for yourself and getting the assistance you need. You are a valuable, important person and you deserve to be treated like a princess! I'm sorry that you have to struggle through now, but talking with a counselor is always a good idea. Keep up the good, hard work love!
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Old 16th March 2019, 6:37 PM   #8
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Yes, it abuse.

I understand why you would want to know a healthy relationship...

But it sounds like, from a very young age, you have gone from one (unhealthy) relationship to another. To break this pattern, perhaps it’s time for you to be single for a while. You need to discover yourself and learn how to stand on your own. Develop your own independence, resiliency, and happiness and then you will probably find that you are more successful in finding a healthy relationship.
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Last edited by BaileyB; 16th March 2019 at 6:41 PM..
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