TheOneRomeo Posted January 21, 2019 Share Posted January 21, 2019 I have a female friend who has told me she is in an abusive relationship mentally, emotionally, maybe physically? She's also told me he's manipulative... Some examples of things he's done *told her the good thing about her gaining a few pounds is that her boobs have gotten bigger *she told me that they've fought and she's cried really bad and he'll just stand there looking emotionless at her *he'll blame her for things he does and say stuff like "well you know how I am, what did you expect?" *they were at a house party one night, both drunk, and he walked one of her friends home and was gone for 5 hours and didn't pick her up until after the 5 hours he "walked" the girl home. Wouldn't surprise me if he slept with the girl *she got drunk one time called him up and he was pissed off and grabbed her arm, she told me she was afraid of him when he did that *she told me only the first 3 months of the relationship he was sweet after that they fight constantly and he promises to "change". They've been dating for about a 1.2 years and she said he's been saying he's going to change for 8 months *he's thrown her past relationships in her face, the last guy, who was abusive in every way shape and form, he told her that she wasn't all that good to him either *he doesn't like greek life and told her that she needs to leave it because he doesn't like it *he'll act nice and sweet in front of her family and friends as well as his, but when they're alone they fight a lot *he's told her "if you don't like how I treat you then find someone else" *he doesn't have any friends and told her "you're my only friend" *I get the feeling that he's also been gas-lighting her as she's asked me what she did wrong and if she should apologize... Just would like some advice/things I can do to help her out. She tried breaking up with him several times but now she’s back into loving him. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 21, 2019 Share Posted January 21, 2019 Tell her to google “cycle of abuse” because it sounds like she’s knee deep in it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheOneRomeo Posted January 21, 2019 Author Share Posted January 21, 2019 Tell her to google “cycle of abuse” because it sounds like she’s knee deep in it. Thank you for that, I looked it up and it sounds exactly what she’s going through. I just get frustrated with her saying she’s tired of fighting, etc. and then saying she loves him. It gets a bit annoying in all honesty lol. It’s just hard to know she has already determined that the relationship is abusive yet she doesn’t break up with him. She has told me she latches on to her boyfriends in the hopes that it’ll work out Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 21, 2019 Share Posted January 21, 2019 If she were my friend I’d encourage her to get counseling to find out why she keeps falling for the same type of man. She must have terrible self-esteem to begin with and being in an abusive relationship will erode the little that she has. Honestly I know you want to be a good friend and help her but she probably needs a professional to help her find her way out of this. You could point her in the direction of her local women’s shelter. That’s a great place to start and it’s free. Many have counseling available and if not will know some people she could talk to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheOneRomeo Posted January 21, 2019 Author Share Posted January 21, 2019 If she were my friend I’d encourage her to get counseling to find out why she keeps falling for the same type of man. She must have terrible self-esteem to begin with and being in an abusive relationship will erode the little that she has. Honestly I know you want to be a good friend and help her but she probably needs a professional to help her find her way out of this. You could point her in the direction of her local women’s shelter. That’s a great place to start and it’s free. Many have counseling available and if not will know some people she could talk to. Thank you again and she does have terrible self-esteem. She’s told me that she’s ugly and she’s never had a truly “good” boyfriend. Her friends who have known her longer have told me that her mental health has deteriorated greatly and they all want her to break up with him that way she can be the same person she used to be. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 21, 2019 Share Posted January 21, 2019 She’s probably so low that she can’t break up with him. That’s why she needs to see a counselor who can help her build herself up to a place where she’s able to leave. Think of her as being in a hole that she doesn’t know how to climb out of. She’s going to need help. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheOneRomeo Posted January 21, 2019 Author Share Posted January 21, 2019 She’s probably so low that she can’t break up with him. That’s why she needs to see a counselor who can help her build herself up to a place where she’s able to leave. Think of her as being in a hole that she doesn’t know how to climb out of. She’s going to need help. That makes sense. In all honesty I got tired of dealing with her problems as it was affecting my health and I told her I wanted to exit her life. She ended up telling me that she needed me for “everything”. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 21, 2019 Share Posted January 21, 2019 Point blank you need to tell her she needs to see a counselor. She trusts you so coming from you it’ll mean a lot. And she’ll probably agree and appreciate you caring so much about her to call her out on it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheOneRomeo Posted January 21, 2019 Author Share Posted January 21, 2019 Point blank you need to tell her she needs to see a counselor. She trusts you so coming from you it’ll mean a lot. And she’ll probably agree and appreciate you caring so much about her to call her out on it. Thank you again, I will let her know. I appreciate it! Hopefully if she gets help she’ll break up with him. I told her it’s better to be single than with someone who is abusive. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 21, 2019 Share Posted January 21, 2019 (edited) Abuse can be so confusing. She’s not going to be able to walk away until she believes in herself enough to leave. Staying only causes her to believe in herself less and less. You telling her she’s worth or her family saying she’s worth doesn’t make a difference. She has to know it for herself. Counseling should help her get there. Deep down she doesn’t believe she deserves better. Edited January 21, 2019 by amaysngrace Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheOneRomeo Posted January 21, 2019 Author Share Posted January 21, 2019 Abuse can be so confusing. She’s not going to be able to walk away until she believes in herself enough to leave. Staying only causes her to believe in herself less and less. You telling her she’s worth or her family saying she’s worth doesn’t make a difference. She has to know it for herself. Counseling should help her get there. Deep down she doesn’t believe she deserves better. Thank you again for this, I’ll try to be there for her and get her the help she needs! Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 21, 2019 Share Posted January 21, 2019 You’re a good friend! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheOneRomeo Posted January 21, 2019 Author Share Posted January 21, 2019 You’re a good friend! I try, haven’t been perfect with her but I try 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 21, 2019 Share Posted January 21, 2019 Well it’s probably very frustrating to watch her struggle, complain to you, and then do nothing about it. But you haven’t given up on her so that’s where the good friend part comes in. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheOneRomeo Posted January 21, 2019 Author Share Posted January 21, 2019 Well it’s probably very frustrating to watch her struggle, complain to you, and then do nothing about it. But you haven’t given up on her so that’s where the good friend part comes in. I can’t thank you enough for the help. It’s really opened up my eyes to be more understanding of what she’s going through Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 21, 2019 Share Posted January 21, 2019 Aw thanks. I’m glad I could help. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 21, 2019 Share Posted January 21, 2019 That makes sense. In all honesty I got tired of dealing with her problems as it was affecting my health and I told her I wanted to exit her life. She ended up telling me that she needed me for “everything”. Smart move on your part to back away. Being there for someone who's in a toxic situation can indeed be bad for our own mental health. I hope you told her that you care, but you can't be her 'everything' One of my friends who works in the field was explaining to me that being there for the woman to vent to all the time has the end result of you being a release valve. And once the pressure is released, they have more emotional space to go back to the same situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 21, 2019 Share Posted January 21, 2019 At least she’s talking about it. When she becomes silent then you know it has to be really bad. To me venting is a cry for help. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted January 24, 2019 Share Posted January 24, 2019 In all honesty I got tired of dealing with her problems as it was affecting my health and I told her I wanted to exit her life. She ended up telling me that she needed me for “everything”. "I need you for everything" is also just a way to keep you hooked, not the least of which because it makes you feel needed, special, important in her life and for her general well-being. On the other hand, it could also be speaking to something within yourself, that has this and needs to be looked at, so that you don't get stuck being caught up in other people's life dramas, your over-involvement in which holds you back from moving ahead in your own life, and growth and development, and working towards making your own dreams and goals a reality for yourself. , I’ll try to be there for her and get her the help she needs! It is not your proper responsibility, duty or obligation to try to help other people more than they are willing to do the difficult work to help themselves. At some point, you are just going to be part of the cycle that enables her to stay stuck and keep making excuses for herself as to why she's not actually doing what she says she wants to do, or says she will do. Wishing you the best. Link to post Share on other sites
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