I Am So Drained....

[Blacksheep2012]

For about 10 months to a year now my husband has been what I feel like is emotional or mental abuse. But he does not see it that way. He thinks it is okay to talk to and treat me the way he does. When we get into fights he calls me stupid, a moron, says my feelings are stupid. He threatens our marriage, always tells me I need leave HIS house, tells me I am lazy and do absolutely nothing. He tells me that I am going to fail school, that I am a failure and our son will be also because I am his mom. He also throws it in my face that he makes most of the money, I am currently in school and only work Tuesday evening and weekends, when I am not in school I am at home with our son and my stepdaughter when it is our time to have her, and I pay for my son's daycare with my checks not his. He tells me he is tired of supporting me, he is stressed to the max and if he wasn't he wouldn't talk to me like this. He blows up over small issues and disagreements turn into huge fights. He tells me he hates my family all the time, in the meanwhile I do not call him stupid, I do not make remarks about his family or any such thing. I do not know what to do anymore, this is emotionally drowning me, I feel like I cry daily just about. When I try to talk to him about something I get told my feelings are stupid and he is tired of hearing the same thing over and over again. When he says something that does make me cry he calls me a crybaby, and he'll keep commenting on me crying. One time we got into a fight he told me that if I ever rolled my eyes at him again he would hit me so hard that I would never be able to see our son grow up. He told my stepdaughter, TO HER FACE, that she couldn't go with me because she is not mine. While she isn't I feel that is not something you say to a 6 year old little girl who calls her stepmom, mom. I try and tell him that it is not okay for him to talk to me like this and he says that it is because I am his wife.

I just don't know what to say to him anymore, I feel like I am constantly walking on eggshells and that I am terrified of him. I am fine all day while he is at work and then the minute he comes home I am a completely different person, I suddenly become uncomfortable in my own home. He tells me no one is going to want to put up with me the way he does. He tells me he doesn't have to take this crap from me when we get into a fight. I just wanted some insight from others who have possibly been through this scenario. Thank you in advance.

[Simple Logic]

Sounds clearly abusive to me.

[Garcon1986]

This is a clear example of emotional abuse my friend, he threatened you to the point where he actually made you think you would not see your child grow up. I would do the following things:

 

1. Nobody is allowed to threaten your physical safety or the safety of your children. You must make actionable plans to leave (maybe to a friends house, or family member's house), in case something really bad happens.

 

2. Ponder for a second, and now I know this is going to be really hard - what part you may have played in this. Men typically don't get this abusive in one day. There is usually something they have seen from their wife that really bothers them, and it hinges on communication styles. The classic example is the woman is looking for sympathy about something, tells husband about it, husband provides solution, and woman gets more frustrated and tells the husband that he isn't listening. If the husband isn't that mature, he will get upset, and it will just escalate. If it was clear that the woman was looking for sympathy, and the man was clear about this, all this would never have happened.

 

3. Journal for us the objective facts - what is it that you want from him (before all this abuse started), that he isn't giving, and what is it that he wants from you, that he isn't giving?

 

4. Make a plan on how to give these things that are lacking.

 

5. If there are firearms in the house, secure them. Reduce the potential for accidents.

 

6. Consider going to couple's counseling.

 

7. Many marital conflicts are about fighting about the way people are fighting. While his degree of gaslighting and abuse is unacceptable, can you tell us your love language and his love language? What do you two fundamentally want from a relationship?

 

8. The most powerful negotiating position is to be able to throw away a deal and mean it. Be able to threaten divorce and mean it if is getting this bad. You are partially responsible for not being a doormat and allowing him emotionally to control you. Demand change from him and know that you deserve adult treatment, not this rubbish that he is throwing at you.

[d0nnivain]

Would he consider MC? Anger management?

 

Do your parents know he treats you this way? Do his? Perhaps enlist some family support.

 

Another option may be to hide a video camera to record some of his tirades & play it back to him when he's calmer so he can see how destructive his words are. I'll give somebody who is under a lot of stress a pass if that person is short or curt with a partner occasionally but he has crossed the lines.

 

Otherwise you would be well within your rights to divorce. What are you teaching your son when you stick around & put up with this?

[BaileyB]

Would he consider MC? Anger management?

 

Do your parents know he treats you this way? Do his? Perhaps enlist some family support.

 

Another option may be to hide a video camera to record some of his tirades & play it back to him when he's calmer so he can see how destructive his words are. I'll give somebody who is under a lot of stress a pass if that person is short or curt with a partner occasionally but he has crossed the lines.

 

Otherwise you would be well within your rights to divorce. What are you teaching your son when you stick around & put up with this?

 

I would be cautious with the idea to videotape this man. While it sounds good in theory, you have no idea how he will respond. You have no idea when he will get physical.

 

Otherwise, I agree with Donnivain. If you think you can try to save your marriage, MC wouldn’t be a good option (if he will go). Otherwise, I would be talking to my parents/friends and I would be planning to leave.

 

I’m sorry that you find yourself in this situation. Be safe.

[Rayce]

If you are considering leaving do some research on domestic violence and make a plan first. Leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time. Please be careful.

[BaileyB]

Sorry, that should say marriage counselling would be a good option (darn autocorrect!). But, only if he wants to go and he is ready to change his behavuor.

 

You will have to determine how safe you feel staying in the marriage when making the decision about marriage counselling. Whatever you decide, I hope you realize that this is HIS issue to deal with - not yours. NOTHING you could ever do would make it acceptable for your husband and life partner to be so unkind and cruel to you.

 

In other words, YOU CANT FIX THIS. If he doesn’t acknowledge that there is a problem and he is not committed to changing HIS behavior, your only option is to leave. Take care.

[The Dude Abides]

Any man who threatens physical violence in such a graphic way is not a man at all. He is a coward and a bully. He has no right to demean you nor should he be talking to you this way. No man should talk to any woman that way, but talking to his wife that way, in my mind, just adds to the severity of the problem. There is no duty for a man to fulfill that is more compelling than the duty to care for his wife and children.

 

Please consider finding a way to get away from him along with your child. He sounds like the type who will at some point lose control of his emotions and will ramp things up to physical abuse.

 

Please consider your physical and emotional well-being. Consider the well-being of the children who are being exposed to this behavior. There is no way they can come through this unscathed.

 

The threats of physical violence almost certainly are worthy of action by the police. At the very least you should tell your story to the police and see if they believe there is something there to act on in your behalf.

 

His claims of being stressed by work or life or whatever are reasons to explain why he sometimes is grouchy or drinks a few beers after work. Or any number or other things that he might do or say that we all can admit to as well.

 

No matter how you analyze it, this is NOT acceptable behavior and you don't deserve any of it.

[spiderowl]

My friend was in a relationship like this. He was verbally abusive. She felt she was walking on eggshells. Eventually he became physically abusive. She still stuck it out until he hit her child and then she reported him to the police. He was removed from the house after that and taken to court. She had counselling and support.

 

She has come through it now but the clear message is that this is abusive behaviour and it is likely to turn physical. You need to get out now while you can. Please contact your nearest women's refuge. They are expert at dealing with the emotional aspects of these kinds of relationships.

 

Please do not do what my friend did and stick it out until a child gets abused too.