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I think he was emotionally abusive


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Old 29th December 2018, 5:53 AM   #1
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I think he was emotionally abusive

I would like some opinions of if this fits narcissism or another psersonlsity disorder or if I created this mess and he is fine. Thank you if you are reading this. I will write as things were presented to me.

I met him 5 years ago. I wasn’t looking for anything and he totally swept me off my feet. There were love notes, flowers and he had planned our future to the extent he imagined what his speech would be at our wedding. He moved in within a month and it was amazing. He only had one long term friend who he only saw at work and his ex was crazy. He’d never loved her but she got pregnant so he’d stayed. She was physically abusive to him and had an affair but he couldn’t make it work. He’d tried as his dad was an abusive drunk who abandoned the family and that was why he’d dropped out of school and hadn’t been more successful.

He didn’t get on with the ex but complied with her as they had a kid and him not getting on with her would ruin the kids life like his was ruined by his mom and dad fighting.
5 months after we met he got into a mess with a night school course that he hadn’t done the work for he disappeared for a day or so. When he returned he was upset coz he thought he’d let me down for not doing the work. I said I didn’t care and had no idea he’d not done it but he didn’t need it.

Turned out he’d told the professor that he’d had a relationship split and got extensions on his final assessments. He also slept with the ex who he referred to a bitch and crazy. She turned up at my door and told me and that he couldn’t leave me because of the bad things happening in my life (there was nothing bad happening in my life)
He again said she was insane and on antidepressants but he couldn’t upset her because of the kid.

I agreed that we would get through it. 2 weeks later he dropped my A’s he couldn’t live with the anxiety of her not accepting me. A week later he came back but we had to keep everything a secret until she would accept me. I agreed as I was heartbroken but he kept saying how much he loved me and everything would be perfect in the future.
6 months later he dropped my again because of the anxiety and she would never accept me. We stayed apart.

Turns out he went back to her as he was in debt and he could live with her for free as social security checks paid the rent.

After a couple of years no contact I bumped into him. He’d saved up and bought a house which she didn’t know about and he’d moved into it after she threw him out.
I know red flags but I still loved him. We started dating and he was brilliant. Again future planning but we didn’t tell her. I eventually told my family and friends and we were moving forward. He wanted to improve himself to joined a gym. They were a but forceful and his life started to revolve around it. He again got into debt. 14000 over 11 months. He had to get loans of 7000 the another 7 6 months later. He told me he had no money all the time but he went on holiday and bought things he didn’t need.

Looking back he complained about everything. My hair (wanted me to have a dramatic change of style and colour), the air fresheners in my house were too strong, my hand cream was horrible, I should wear more colour specifically yellow, couldn’t wear my hair up or he’d gently take the tie out and ruffle it and tell me I looked more beautiful, buy a different coat, buy more expensive things, buy him things, don’t wear hats, wear heavier make up. That’s just a few. They were not said at one time but over time and he was loving when he said it.

If I text he would sometimes not text back and then put it down to being busy. Everything was always last minute. He said he wasn’t a planner but when I suggested doing something he had a plans. He wouldn’t talk about his day to day life the. Act supposed when he mentioned something I knew nothing about. Some weeks he was so busy I didn’t hear from him then he’d be loving and caring.
He said crying makes him run away and that if I want something I should ask. I asked and he said asking never gets.

I know he was with someone when he met his ex but he said he didn’t love them, then there was him stringing the ex along when he met me and it would seem it happened again with me.
He had talked about moving in together and the future then I got a text while at work and he dropped me. He wouldn’t speak to me as it made him anxious. We eventually talked he said the ex won’t accept me and he’s felt anxious for months and he can’t do it. He said that he wants to have more kids and he can’t do that with me as she won’t accept me. He said if we’d had just me met we would be getting married but he ruined everything. He needs to concentrate on his job and he hasn’t been able to since he met me as all he can think about is me so I’m ruining his career.

I ended up constantly worried about if he was ok as he was always the victim. nothing ever went right for him and he always found fault. A waitress would be rude and he’d mention it or too friendly and he’d be horrible. The great man I met disappeared and I was left with the exact version the ex warned me about.
I know I have been a fool and I’m trying to piece everything together in my head and get over this mess. When I look up narcissism it says they are angry or have rages. He had never raised his voice to me but I know he had screaming fights with the ex and he got into a lot of physical fights when he was younger.

Any thoughts on if he is NPD or BPD or if he is just an ******* would be great.
Thank you so much for reading this.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 29th December 2018 at 8:26 AM..
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Old 2nd January 2019, 4:46 PM   #2
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I just got out of an emotionally abusive marriage with a narcissist. There are varying levels of narcissism. I am not qualified to diagnose. I only know what I lived through. I did not experience raging anger, but rather veiled threats through gritted teeth (or even smiles), then when I would confront him on the threat (like when he told me he was going to buy a gun and shoot me if I did not announce myself when I came home from work - because he might mistake me as an intruder) he would act incredulous and tell me he was "only kidding", of course. One way you describe him really hits home. My husband has NEVER taken a bit of responsibility for anything that ever went wrong in his life. Everything was always someone else's fault (and since he met me, 5 years ago in February, it's all been MY fault.)

Either way, it does sound like he is emotionally abusive (trying to control how you wear your hair, for example) and he certainly sounds like a liar and a user, not to mention a cheater. Mine was also loving, caring, and nurturing in the beginning. Every attempt to control me was only because "he cared so much" about me. He was fine as long as I went along with what he wanted, but as soon as I objected to anything, he turned into a controlling, emotionally abusive beast who played on my sympathies because he has cancer. I have dealt with tremendous guilt over walking away from him, but he was literally snuffing the very life out of me. I finally walked away. I will stay married so that he has health benefits. If he calls me in an emergency, I will probably respond to help, but I will no longer be his victim, lying in anxious wait for the next verbal attack on my character.

If you have nothing tying you to this man (like children or marital obligations), run - don't walk - to the nearest exit. You owe him nothing and he's just going to sap every last ounce of energy and life out of you.
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