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Parental abuse - I suffer in silence

Realitysux

By Realitysux,
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Realitysux

Realitysux

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I have been keeping this a secret for far too long. I know it's the LS forum but this is a big step for me to admit this. My 14 year old son abuses me. There is absolutely no help for a parent like me as all the rights are towards the child. Family and children services are involved and he spent 8 months in foster care before being returned to me. Today the file was terminated from Court but they are going to work with me over the next few monts until things improve.

 

Today I woke up, went to wake my son up for school -which he told me to **** off, he hates me, to get lost and go. I tried to get him off to school before I had to leave for court. When I got to court, my ex showed up not only to support me, but to ask for access. He is married now, with three kids, and well -I never truly got over him so that was fun times. Hearing I love you today was quite the show but he throws it around like it's nothing and didn't mean it.

 

I came home and my son was in his pajamas and playing video games. I was calm, assertive, and told him to shut the games off. He responded **** you and your stupid and spent the entire next few hours yelling at me. It was so bad that I left. When I came home, he sprayed an entire bottle of fabreeze in my face, hair, eyes, mouth until I gagged. After he calmed down, I got the fabreeze bottle. He is currently lying on the couch and I can't say anything or he will yell at me.

 

I am about to give him some 3mg of malatonin to help him sleep (Dr recommended) and hope tomorrow gets better.

 

I am ready for the nasty comments that are going to come my way, but I want to mention that anyone who knows me including facs will tell you that I love my son, I do everything I can for him, I am nice to him, I am doing something wrong but I don't know what else I can do or what I am doing wrong. I just needed to get that out.

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basil67

basil67

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It's only been 15 mins since your first post. Please give the posters a little time Realitysux...it may take a few hours (or a day or so) for those who have experienced this to find your post. I really feel for you in this situation, however I don't have expertise in the area you're asking for help.

 

My only thought is whether or not you've sought professional help in how to parent him. I'm NOT suggesting you're a poor parent - I've spent many hours with child psychologist myself to help my manage my autistic son's teen years. Professionals can often give strategies we haven't thought of.

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todreaminblue

todreaminblue

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why anyone would berate you is beyond me.....i feel you.....from personal experience...i read something that just clicked and its video games......i notice with my mentally impaired son whom i cant really control at all.....its the video games...his personality changes after playing....he stays up all night hardly sleeps calls me a fat c.....t...ugly b....tch......i have been called so many names ...by my sons (one is on ice and has drug induced schizophrenia.... the other mentally impaired)....i have been called so many names they don't hurt me anymore.....i am a teflon duck.....actually im not a teflon duck but i try to be teflon....the son i have who plays video games.....gets bullied online so in effect bullies me when he gets offline

 

there's always a root in my experience... for me with my sons..... its drugs alcohol and video gaming....with my video gaming son i want to be able to drive so i can get him out of the house and involved in like minded community groups....get him into some courses break that recurring video games mindset..my other son well its a harsh road ahead for the both of us.....do you have any community support besides a doc .. a women's group you can talk to or church or craft group...respite care counsellor(family counselling) would you consider becoming part of any of these things....?

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Realitysux

Realitysux

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Thank you for your response. I feel so alone and would like to hear encouragement but I am prepared to read nasty responses. I read a lot of those on here too.

 

I am awaiting a parenting course offered and it starts next month. I see a counselor once a week, protection services are involved, I have a parent teen mediator. They don't understand the significance of the situation since he acts really sweet in front of everyone, but when we are alone, he switches and he becomes a very cruel, nasty, and selfish person.

 

An example is when he was on the phone with his cousin and I told him to get off. This was last night. It was 10pm on a school night so time to get off the phone and computer. He was so sweet "my mom's telling me to get off the phone, I gotta go" and the minute he hung up, he started to yell at me and told me now he's not going to school. A lot of people pin this as normal teenage behavior but I think this leans towards parental abuse. He has physically asulted me and I have to have a root canal from when he threw a phone at me, it hit me in the tooth, the nerves died, and now I need a root canal.

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basil67

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I truly hope you get no nasty responses. You're not doing anything to warrant them...and any which are truly out of line will be reported.

 

One of the things our child psychologist told us was that when we parent a teen, we often need to revert back to what worked as a young child - just a more grown up version of relating and consequences. With regards to getting off the phone, I always found that giving a five minute warning was really helpful. Asking someone to do something now can be like us being asked to stop a book half way through a chapter or turn off a movie in the last 15 mins. Of course, I don't expect this to have miraculous results...it would only be one of a myriad of strategies....but lots of little things can make a difference.

 

What consequences happen for his behaviour? And when he's calmed down, is he sorry for his behaviour? Has he been hard work since he was little, or has this all happened with puberty? He clearly puts you at risk - does he also put himself at risk? How is he going at school?

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nospam99

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He has physically asulted me and I have to have a root canal from when he threw a phone at me, it hit me in the tooth, the nerves died, and now I need a root canal.

 

Do you live in the US? Did you get the police and/or Social Services involved? I'm not a lawyer, but my understanding is that permanent dental damage is taken very seriously, opening options of temporary foster care and long-term orders of protection. I doubt a 14 y/o would continue abusing his mother after spending time in foster care WITHOUT HIS VIDEO GAMES and understanding that he'd be sent right back if he violated his OP.

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Realitysux

Realitysux

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why anyone would berate you is beyond me.....i feel you.....from personal experience...i read something that just clicked and its video games......i notice with my mentally impaired son whom i cant really control at all.....its the video games...his personality changes after playing....he stays up all night hardly sleeps calls me a fat c.....t...ugly b....tch......i have been called so many names ...by my sons (one is on ice and has drug induced schizophrenia.... the other mentally impaired)....i have been called so many names they don't hurt me anymore.....i am a teflon duck.....actually im not a teflon duck but i try to be teflon....the son i have who plays video games.....gets bullied online so in effect bullies me when he gets offline

 

there's always a root in my experience... for me with my sons..... its drugs alcohol and video gaming....with my video gaming son i want to be able to drive so i can get him out of the house and involved in like minded community groups....get him into some courses break that recurring video games mindset..my other son well its a harsh road ahead for the both of us.....do you have any community support besides a doc .. a women's group you can talk to or church or craft group...respite care counsellor(family counselling) would you consider becoming part of any of these things....?

 

I feel you. It is so refreshing to know I am not the only one.

 

Thank you for all of the responses. I am going to take away all video games for a bit. That seems like the best place to start despite others saying not to. They don't know like those who know, do know.

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Realitysux

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Do you live in the US? Did you get the police and/or Social Services involved? I'm not a lawyer, but my understanding is that permanent dental damage is taken very seriously, opening options of temporary foster care and long-term orders of protection. I doubt a 14 y/o would continue abusing his mother after spending time in foster care WITHOUT HIS VIDEO GAMES and understanding that he'd be sent right back if he violated his OP.

 

 

Read my first post, he was in foster care, it was very diffficult. I cried every night. I fought to bring him home and don't want to give up.

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Realitysux

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I truly hope you get no nasty responses. You're not doing anything to warrant them...and any which are truly out of line will be reported.

 

One of the things our child psychologist told us was that when we parent a teen, we often need to revert back to what worked as a young child - just a more grown up version of relating and consequences. With regards to getting off the phone, I always found that giving a five minute warning was really helpful. Asking someone to do something now can be like us being asked to stop a book half way through a chapter or turn off a movie in the last 15 mins. Of course, I don't expect this to have miraculous results...it would only be one of a myriad of strategies....but lots of little things can make a difference.

 

What consequences happen for his behaviour? And when he's calmed down, is he sorry for his behaviour? Has he been hard work since he was little, or has this all happened with puberty? He clearly puts you at risk - does he also put himself at risk? How is he going at school?

 

Ive been emailing his teahcers tonight. He misses a lot of school and doesn't do homework. He has always been challenging to the point when he was 6, I gave him to my mom which I regret and fought hard to get him back. He never puts himself at risk. No he never feels bad for his behavior.

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Realitysux

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does the young chap regularly see a psychiatrist?

 

Has a psyciatrist, no mental health diagnosis and no adhd diagnosis. I do have mental health and it has been speculated by child protections that he doesnt cope well with me because of my illness.

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Realitysux

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Sorry for the typos. I am tired, have a headachem and i am going back and forth between my room and my tablet, to the living room -trying to get my son to bed.

I have never had a thread like this and I don't want anyone to feel left out. I appreciate everyone who took the time to read my post.

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todreaminblue

todreaminblue

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I feel you. It is so refreshing to know I am not the only one.

 

Thank you for all of the responses. I am going to take away all video games for a bit. That seems like the best place to start despite others saying not to. They don't know like those who know, do know.

 

i hope you feel supported by my post...im with you and its not easy......as far as totally banning games from him i dont know how you will go..... takes a certain kind of strength....i dont have that kind of strength... and i would like to add with my son a strategy i find effective is to cut the internet off turn off the modem and wifi...my son rages after but then ...he cries......its his only outlet.....my son is an adult but has the mind of a teen....he will rage against me...be very abusive....... then he cries and comes to me in tears and apologises to me for his behavior...and i reconnect him in time.....its an addiction and the withdrawals are fierce.....:0(

 

 

i have tears in my eyes now thinking of him and if something happens to me who IS goiNG to look after him....he is so damn lonely it chokes me when i look at him.......... all he wants are friends......who share his interests....he is difficult to reach....and understand ......have you tried having one on one time out fo the house with your son ....my son gets excited when i plan things to do with him ...our hopes and dreams....his face relaxes....for some time soon when we can be mobile.....together.....what about some one on one time with your son im going to buy a vr set layby it to join my son in his interests..........so i can join him in virtuosity...maybe i can reach him that way...you just have to keep trying as you said you dont want to give up i never will give up..not until it kills me......ill take a break lick my wounds and i always come back and try again......keep trying be prepared for mistakes .....its ho we can learn whats good and what isnt....what my son really really misses is a male role model who would take him fishing.camping bowling...i am going to try to be a man....lol....wish me luck...:0)....play games with him sometimes....be th eperson in his virtual world he doesnt kill him over and over again.....like people online do ...they just kill him.....int he games...he keeps dying...thats why i want to go vr with him and do deep sea diving or car racing and get him away from this online bully pack mentality........

 

 

does your son have a male role model to be with.....a good one...a just and righteous man who cares about him and for him....deb

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Realitysux

Realitysux

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I am at my end tonight. I have to leave the house for a coffee and a neighbor is coming to get me. He is just sitting on the couch with his phone, ignoring me and then yelling at me and calling me names when I go in to tell him it's bed. We do things but often the minute we walk in, he becomes abusive and mean

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Realitysux

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It would be smart because parents do have a lot of blame and with child protection involved, they could make a court application against me which would make this my fault. He isn't at school today so the schools guidance is going to get involved to try and help his attendance. I spent sometime talking to his geography teacher. As a parent,you don't want to lose your child. It's a very heartbreaking situation to be in.

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Realitysux

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First of all, I just came from the school and they are going to do an intervention. They are going to start a truency intervention program with him tomorrow. I spoke to the children's aid worker and there is no protection concerns because I as a mother am doing everything right. I've taken away all games, controllers, cell ohone, changed internet passwords and am going to have a coffee with a friend. When I come home, he is going to help me clean the house since I was so busy dealing with such unessicary behavior, I haven't done the dinner dishes.

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Realitysux

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Do you know why he's such an angry child?

 

Gaming and lack of social skills and a social life. He also uses up all his energy being co trolled and well behaved, so when he comes home, energy depleted, he unleashes it all on me,

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Realitysux

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does your son have a male role model to be with.....a good one...a just and righteous man who cares about him and for him....deb

 

 

 

I just read this. Sorry, I would have liked to organize this as and an easier thread to read. No male role models and his father is not appropriate since he has a wife, three kids, and hasn't done much but show up to one court appearance. He also bailed shortly after meeting with the worker from Childrens Aid stating he is putting his family at risk and they would stress his wife out.

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Gretchen12

Gretchen12

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Your son will have a difficult adult life - no education, bad job prospects, difficult relationships. Men are deeply affected by their relationship with the mother and it all comes out when he starts dating. He's going to face the legal system as an adult if he hurts a girlfriend, the video game addiction may be replaced by other addictions to escape feelings. That's a life sentence of deep loneliness and disappointments.

 

But, help is out there. The idea to videotape his aggression is a good one. Show that to the psychiatrist to help him be properly diagnosed. He needs psychiatric help. You are doing what you can to prepare him for adult life. It's all you can do. After that, he's on his own and it's going to be rough.

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Realitysux

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Thanks and an update for you all. I've connected with a child psycologist and my family Dr this week. I have an upcoming appointment. I found an older student at his school, in foster care to walk with him in the mornings and share her experience as she struggled in grade 9 but has made it to grade 12. I have big brothers involved to start. I am working hard on my end but totally agree, this is going to affect his life negatively if he doesn't get the help. I also have the protection worker coming to my house tomorrow and have informed her of our problems and told her he has refused school.

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