Was my ex abusive towards me or not?

[Monica_1609]

Hello, He was my first boyfriend, at first he showered me with love, he took me to a lot of travels, he gave me a lot of attention and love. He told me he loved me in the first month, he was like my dream man but then he started showing little signs of jealousy like made me feel bad about not putting that we had a relationship on Facebook, not putting a profile photo of us together, checking my phone and accused me of cheating or flirting with other guys. I was afraid of even talking with male friends or classmates.

 

We used to fight a lot, he became my everything, I distanced myself from friends and family but I loved him so much, he was like my drug and I felt that I couldn't live without him.

 

When he was angry, he used to said very mean things to me, like "You have no self esteem", "You should go before i cheat on you because I am going to hurt you", "You act like crazy" "You do not have a life of your own" and other mean things to me, that made me cry but he didn't show any empathy at all.

I know that I should have left him but he was like my drug, I didn't have anyone else. He was the sweetest person one day and the next day he was cold and cruel. I blame myself because I was too clingy or too weak but he keeps appearing like every 1 or 2 months and I keep falling again in his arms. What is wrong with me?

[d0nnivain]

His statements to you were certainly mean but I don't think they were abusive. Tone has a lot to do with it too. Pointing out that somebody has no self esteem in an effort to encourage that person to develop some is a kindness even if the reality was hard to face.

 

Since you recognize that you were clingy, not doing that in your next relationship is a start

 

I will caution you that accusations of cheating are unhealthy. If you find yourself being afraid of your SO, it's time to revaluate because something is definitely wrong. My husband is a Marine vet. I am well aware that if he chose to harm me, there is very little I could do to protect myself but I also trust him to never hurt me. In fact, he'd put his life on the line to protect me. A quality partner should not make you fear interacting with anybody. You cutting yourself off from friends isolated you more & made a bad situation worse.

 

I think this guy was right about one thing: you do need to bolster your self esteem. Since you intellectually recognize that this is not good for you, take action to put a stop to the merry go round. When he comes back, say no. Stay strong. Take to your parents or your BFF when you feel weak but do cut him out of your life.

[Monica_1609]

His statements to you were certainly mean but I don't think they were abusive. Tone has a lot to do with it too. Pointing out that somebody has no self esteem in an effort to encourage that person to develop some is a kindness even if the reality was hard to face.

 

Since you recognize that you were clingy, not doing that in your next relationship is a start

 

I will caution you that accusations of cheating are unhealthy. If you find yourself being afraid of your SO, it's time to revaluate because something is definitely wrong. My husband is a Marine vet. I am well aware that if he chose to harm me, there is very little I could do to protect myself but I also trust him to never hurt me. In fact, he'd put his life on the line to protect me. A quality partner should not make you fear interacting with anybody. You cutting yourself off from friends isolated you more & made a bad situation worse.

 

I think this guy was right about one thing: you do need to bolster your self esteem. Since you intellectually recognize that this is not good for you, take action to put a stop to the merry go round. When he comes back, say no. Stay strong. Take to your parents or your BFF when you feel weak but do cut him out of your life.

 

Is true that I need to work on my self esteem, I am seeing a therapist once a week because I realized that right now I can not do it by myself and I need help. But I do not think he was encouraging me me to have more self esteem, since he said things to my face like "you have no friends, family or someone that is worthy", once he took me to a trip and then told me"I wish I had bought a car instead of spending money in you" He made fun of me with his friends and called awful things.

The last thing he said to me was "I am not a good person, I am evil and you need to stay away from me because I don't know how to stop hurting people" But he keeps coming back.

[d0nnivain]

We have established that he is rotten. I am not willing to go all the way to abusive but semantics aren't the issue.

 

That said when he comes back you don't have to let him. You can say NO! Try it.

[girlinNYC]

Hello, He was my first boyfriend, at first he showered me with love, he took me to a lot of travels, he gave me a lot of attention and love. He told me he loved me in the first month, he was like my dream man but then he started showing little signs of jealousy like made me feel bad about not putting that we had a relationship on Facebook, not putting a profile photo of us together, checking my phone and accused me of cheating or flirting with other guys. I was afraid of even talking with male friends or classmates.

 

We used to fight a lot, he became my everything, I distanced myself from friends and family but I loved him so much, he was like my drug and I felt that I couldn't live without him.

 

When he was angry, he used to said very mean things to me, like "You have no self esteem", "You should go before i cheat on you because I am going to hurt you", "You act like crazy" "You do not have a life of your own" and other mean things to me, that made me cry but he didn't show any empathy at all.

I know that I should have left him but he was like my drug, I didn't have anyone else. He was the sweetest person one day and the next day he was cold and cruel. I blame myself because I was too clingy or too weak but he keeps appearing like every 1 or 2 months and I keep falling again in his arms. What is wrong with me?

 

I don’t think it is wise to stay with him. Just because he is your first boyfriend, does not mean he has the right to be abusive nor does it mean you won’t find anybody else. There are plenty of guys out there who wouldn’t set out to degrade you.

On that note though, the ‘you must love yourself before you can love another’ rings true, especially in this case. Take this time to continue therapy, work on loving yourself and generating that inner strength and independence - as you were displaying nothing but codependency with this guy and that allows anyone to walk all over you, very toxic.

Once you are at a stage of maturity where you love yourself and are totally secure as a person, you will attract those people back as that is what you’re radiating to the world.

 

This guy showering you with love, then suddenly flicking a switch and being completely disrespectful is not love, it’s a classic manipulation tactic to reel you in and keep you there. It worked, but you now have the choice to let it continue or not. For the sake of your mental health and quality of life, work on yourself independently and move on from him. Once you have found the right person, you will realise how wrong he was.