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Scared to have kids of my own


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Old 5th February 2018, 9:39 PM   #1
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Scared to have kids of my own

I grew up in a bad home. My father drank and beat us. My mom abused me, and I spent a lot of time and energy shielding my sister and later raising her to be an adult. I kind of messed that up, since sheís ended up with a lot of mental and emotional issues.
Iíve managed to build a life and a career, and finally (I hope) stopped doing so much damage to other people around me. Iíve got a fairly stable, poly-fidelity type of relationship and I just married my long-term flame a month ago and Iím now part of his big, crazy family. I think my husband knows much of what I went through because we were friends at a very young age, and he had to emotionally put me back together many times and had to patch up my cuts and bruises. But Iíve never really been able to talk about it.
ButÖIím pregnant. I never thought I was physically capable of having kids, and the reality of this is hitting home. I am so, so scared that I will be a terrible mother, and become someone like my own mother. I have no idea how to prevent it. The other girls in our household think I will do fineÖI interact well with my husbandís other kids and that doesnít bother me, but it is the thought I having one of my own that scares me.
Is it normal for girls who grow up abused to worry about having their own kids?
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Old 5th February 2018, 9:41 PM   #2
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Look at it this way: at least you know what not to do.
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Old 5th February 2018, 9:50 PM   #3
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Honestly, as someone who is petrified to have children, I think you are in a pretty ideal situation. You have tons of experienced support right there, in house... And supervision even.

My childhood wasn't great but it was really abusive... .

That said, I have always felt I didn't have the temperament to parent. Kinda like why I like horses and cats instead of dogs. Dogs will let you be unfair to them, and come back for more with their tail wagging. Cats will tell you to F' off and a horse will remind you it can stomp you.

Kids, I always felt were like the tail wagging dog - but you are surround by dog lovers who know the ropes to keep with the analogy.
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Old 5th February 2018, 10:00 PM   #4
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Some fear is normal. Big responsibility.

I've known plenty of abused/molested women. Married one. The ones who had kids IMO did a good job of it. Perfect? Nah, nothing is perfect. My mom and her sisters got whacked by an alcoholic father and she put up with my BS like a steely eyed missile mom. However, she didn't have me until late in life for the times, late 30's and spent plenty of life single before getting married.

Congrats on your pregnancy and IMO you'll be fine. That you're considering all the factors is key in that. Take care.
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Old 5th February 2018, 10:33 PM   #5
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its not only for women who have had messed up childhood who get scared major...like you i have had my issues from childhood.....as far as parents go mine were both working stable parents...i looked after my little sister too.....i never thought i would have kids thought i was damaged that way from sexual abuse as a child.....i did however always love kids.....younger kids would always be around me asking me to take them to the park or swim with them or play with them......older kids liked me.....my peers well...didn't like me much....


i was scared when i fell pregnant...petrified ...i was 19.......i kept having dreams of having a baby with a horses head.........and i have known many women who have been scared of becoming mums.....its a big responsibility and a commitment for life.....it isnt ever going to be a light hearted undertaking for any mum to be...its meant to be seriously thought about ...fear is good..... if you didnt care about what type of parent you wanted to be .... and then thought it was going to be a piece of piss to be a parent .......that's when i would personally worry for you..however i am not worried for you........

my childhood if anything were to be a negative......has made me hypervigilant......and what i have to watch is enabling my children who are now grown.....i don't believe that you have to follow suit...because you were abused you become abusive and i have never been abusive to my kids.my dad used to belt me a lot...i have hardly ever smacked my children.i chose not to work and be a stay at home mum.....for all five.....


understand your fear comes from a place of motivation ...to motivate you and inspire you to be a good parent...your fear places importance on the fact you want to be the best parent you can be and not a bad one......you will be a good parent major...because you really want to be a good parent.....hold onto that.....


there are classes for new mums in every country every where and even classes around working mums..........and there is support and help out there...if you feel overwhelmed...keep that in mind.....you arent alone....and most mums no matter their background feel scared about how they will be as a mum............


i will ask something and i hope i dont offend you....how do you think you will handle explaining the situation of your gfs and husband to your child when he or she questions you...are you keeping that part of your life separate....deb
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Old 5th February 2018, 10:53 PM   #6
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Yes its normal to be afraid but even folks with good childhoods are afraid of messing up. And 100% of parents do sometimes. Looking forward to your next chapter.
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Old 5th February 2018, 11:35 PM   #7
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i will ask something and i hope i dont offend you....how do you think you will handle explaining the situation of your gfs and husband to your child when he or she questions you...are you keeping that part of your life separate....deb
I've wondered this one myself. The kids already in the house call my husband's other wives "mom" pretty interchangeably. It is definitely different from the normal two-parent dynamic, but I'm watching them grow up and they seem happy and well adjusted. They treat my two GFs kind of like aunts, which I think is probably the best way to go. When I got married, it was kind of sudden. The kids had to have it explained to them that their dad loved me too, and that having me move in meant more love for everybody, not less. Since I already spent a lot of time around them, it seems to have worked.
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Old 6th February 2018, 6:49 PM   #8
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Yes, it's normal to worry about what kind of mother you'll be and if you'll repeat the cycle. It's also normal to have a hormone soaked brain magnify..everything. So, if you start to get nutty within the next few weeks/months, just don't do anything you can't take back until after the baby is born!

Your unusual living situation is actually perfect for this. You'll have experienced moms around to let you know if you ever get out of line.
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Old 6th February 2018, 6:56 PM   #9
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Your fear is healthy. This is all new.

You do have a blueprint of what NOT to do -- what your parents' did.

You also have this great big poly-family to help you. Spend time with other kids & get their moms to teach you.
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Old 6th February 2018, 7:16 PM   #10
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Gosh. That was fast! Congrats! I have two sons and its scary af. You're just having normal mom feelings.

Are your girlfriends living there with you?
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Old 6th February 2018, 9:54 PM   #11
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Gosh. That was fast! Congrats! I have two sons and its scary af. You're just having normal mom feelings.

Are your girlfriends living there with you?
Oh yeah, we all live together... I can tell my GF#1 is having a little trouble adjusting to this, since we all thought I was unable to have kids. She hasn't said anything, but she looks worried and has been grouchy to others, which isn't like her. She has spent a lot of time curled up in my lap lately.

I can kinda tell my hormones are a bit off...I'm much more worried and jumpy than normal. Right now, its like everything makes me want to run. I've had to leave work two days in a row because I just can't handle it, and I think I'm just going to use some sick days for the rest of the week. This goes away, right?
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Old 7th February 2018, 7:17 PM   #12
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It's true you don't have the tools to be a good parent. But there are ways to prepare. A friend of mine took parenting courses, and you should do the same. Not some trivial small course, but find the most thorough ones you can find. Contact Child protective services and ask them if they know of good courses. Prepare yourself. You might also need anger management if that's a problem. If you have any addictions, you need to deal with those too. They will teach you how to properly deal with a child. It's very important. It would be nice if the father also took the same course so you're on the same page. Good luck.
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Old 7th February 2018, 7:58 PM   #13
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Contact Child protective services and ask them if they know of good courses..... It would be nice if the father also took the same course so you're on the same page. Good luck.
Oh God. CPS is evil incarnate!!! I spent most of my growing up years hiding what was happening, afraid every day that they would take me and my sister and split us up where I couldn't protect her... I heard way too much about what happened to kids in foster homes, stuff that is now coming out in the news. I would never, ever, ever let them know I exist or that I'm having a kid.

Thankfully, my husband is an experienced father. I'll see if my church or others locally have some classes...that part is a good idea.
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Old 10th February 2018, 11:27 PM   #14
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Well, hopefully if you find a good course, you'll never have to deal with CPS! Try going through something about mental health so you can find a real good parenting class that can deal with your background because I want to avoid you just ending up in a typical "before you have a baby" type fluff class. Maybe look online and google mental health and parenting and that type thing. I bet there's psychologists who even specialize in this type thing. Good luck.
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Old 11th February 2018, 12:25 AM   #15
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Well, hopefully if you find a good course, you'll never have to deal with CPS! Try going through something about mental health so you can find a real good parenting class that can deal with your background because I want to avoid you just ending up in a typical "before you have a baby" type fluff class. Maybe look online and google mental health and parenting and that type thing. I bet there's psychologists who even specialize in this type thing. Good luck.
That's a good idea. My husband has a background in psychology even though that isn't what he ended up doing for work, and he knows some people in the profession who might be trustworthy and willing to talk "off the record." I've thought about talking to someone about what I'm going through with this, and I appreciate your suggestion. He's been my shoulder to cry on for half my life, but there's only so much listening and analyzing that one person can do, especially when he's so close to what's going on now.
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