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Ready to cut out abusive mother forever

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Old 8th June 2017, 3:22 AM   #1
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Angry Ready to cut out abusive mother forever

I hope this isn't too long! I posted this under Family as well since I'm not sure where it fits better. I'm a 22 year old female, at my wits' end with my emotionally, verbally and occasionally physically abusive mother.

I was living away from home for almost 5 years, and moved back in December after my long-term relationship ended, so I could finish my last semester of university, save up some money, and live on my own. This would be easy were it not for my pyscho mother. I've been constantly miserable since I moved back. I have never been allowed a lock on my door, I have a curfew at almost 23, my mother insists that she have a say in who I sleep with and when, I am not allowed to take trips or stay overnight anywhere, or drink. She has told me since I was 18 that I deserve to be treated like a child. I spend a lot of time with an ex at his house just so I don't have to be here because it's so toxic.

My mother has issues, but no one quite knows what they are. Some people have suggested BPD. She doesn't work anymore after some "unspeakable tragedy" that befell her at her old company and stays up all hours of the night then sleeps most of the day. She has no friends and does not get along with anyone. She is very secretive with her life, but I know she has a bunch of lawsuits going on, including suing her sister over my grandfather's estate so my mother can "teach (my aunt) a lesson so she doesn't get what she wants for once," suing the first lawyer she used to sue my aunt, and her old company for "emotional stress." She is also constantly paranoid and thinking the government and insurance people are after her (she prohibits us from answering the phone or door as she insists they are stalking her).

My mother is easily provoked and often illogical, and will argue and scream for hours going in circles and repeating herself. A month ago I forgot to take a piece of the blender apart before putting it in the dishwasher, so she immediately started screaming at me and telling me I'd done it on purpose, then dredged up a list of qualms she had with me from age 18, and then threatened to hit me for not taking her feelings seriously.

She has hit me, my dad, and my brother before, over "not taking her feelings with the importance they deserve." She is constantly telling everyone that her feelings are the most important, everyone should act around her and her temper; always telling everyone she is the most important person in the house, and that she is entitled to act any way she wants. She is horrible to my dad and will scream and swear at him if he doesn't PVR the show she wants, or go get something for her from the store. I recall being a child with my brother upstairs, listening to my mom regularly scream at my poor father for hours at a time in the basement about things from decades ago. She would disappear on family vacations and storm off in foreign countries for half a day because my dad wouldn't want to go shopping with her all day. She would spent weeks locked away in her room talking to no one at home. She refuses to celebrate father's day or my dad's birthday now. My father once told me they went to marriage counselling, but when multiple counsellors told her her behaviour must change she refused to go anymore. When I suggested we go to family counselling a few years ago, she swore and went off, claiming everyone in the family was ganging up on her and she was some sort of perpetual victim.

My personal issues with her started back in grade 8, after being bullied relentlessly for years and an outcast I got in with a bad group of kids, wore black and dyed my hair, and started drinking and smoking. It only lasted for a few months but I was pulled out out of my public school, stuck in a private school, and became a straight-laced, straight-A student after that all through the rest of my schooling. However, my mother never moved on from that, and still brings it up 10 years later as part of the reason I have the restrictions I do today, at twenty-****ing-two.

Instead of being compassionate or understanding, she spent the rest of my teenage years literally telling me I was "abnormal," and "nothing like the other kids," and had a chokehold on anything I did. I was not allowed to date, wear black (a reminder of my emo drinking phase from those few months to her), watch anime (I have no idea where she got this from but she thought it would make me a delinquent again), and was banned from social media or even having my own email until I got a personal university email mandated by my school in my first year. I was berated and harassed and insulted for getting anything less than an A, and was forced to study in all my spare time for exams months in advance to ensure perfect marks. Any time I had a problem with her, she would tell me I was crazy and she was only trying to help and protect me and discipline me as needed. If anyone else I talked to agreed with me, she claimed I had "turned them against her by being dishonest." As a result I had no social life, no boyfriends until university, little life experience, and few friends until I finally reached adulthood. I spent my entire teenage experience mad at the world, convinced I was so abnormal and desperately unhappy. She bullied my brother in the same way until he went to another province for university just to get away from her.

The odd part is, she occasionally has periods where she is close to normal. She talks differently, is calmer, and rarely you get lulled into forgetting her horribleness. Recently, she began talking to me out of the blue (we usually don't speak) about her garden, bought me a nail polish to try out, seemed optimistic and friendly, interested in my graduation ceremony. I was surprised but welcomed the change. One night a few days later, after some unknown trigger, she burst into my room at 3am and 5am screaming about a tiny bit of carrot I left in the drain and then a sweater I'd forgotten downstairs. She was completely nuts in the following days, telling me I could suddenly only use one plug-in in the kitchen for my laptop, that I wasn't allowed to use the dryer to dry something she washed and wanted me to take care of. It got so bad at one point last week she started screaming and tried to kick me out of the house literally because I didn't stand in a certain spot a foot from where I was when she wanted to talk to me and leaned over a chair instead of sitting down when she commanded me to.

At this point I am DONE with this woman. Her periods of normalcy are so short, and she is so toxic that I'd rather have her out of my life altogether. I have so much pent up anger from my teenage years that being here has brought back up, since now I am facing the same treatment as an adult. I literally hate her. She broke apart our family, created a dysfunctional home, and bullies everyone. She ruined my university graduation too since after her last crazy episode she has no interest in attending my graduation and has not ever given me any sort of congratulations since I graduated in April, other than treating me like a failure for getting a Bachelor of Arts instead of Science and not having a good job.

I guess I'm looking for a way to deal with this. I don't know what's wrong with her, I don't think it'll ever be fixed, but I don't know how to proceed in the future with my family.
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Old 8th June 2017, 5:41 AM   #2
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You can't change your mother. The best you can do is get a second job instead of staying over at your friend's house and save up to move out. Moving out and on your own is the only solution. Your mother is not going to change so you have to leave.
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Old 8th June 2017, 5:49 AM   #3
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Growing up with an abusive mother, I understand and sympathize with your situation.

For me, the only way to have any sort of relationship with my mother was from a distance, in the form of birthday cards, Christmas cards, and ProFlowers dot com.

I've spent more than half my life in some sort of therapy, and while the physical and psychological wounds have healed, the scars remain.

Get out of that house and get yourself into therapy, if you're not already.

But my biggest piece of advice is this - do not let any feelings of guilt cloud your best interests. I've had distant family members (who never saw the abuse firsthand) tell me, "She's your mother! All mothers love their children."

No, not all mothers do. The reasons (mental illness, anger, stress...) don't matter much to those of us on the receiving end of the abuse. Our own mental and physical health is far more important.

You need to protect yourself. Your mother never was and never will be your protector. You come first.

Please message me if you'd like to talk further. And best of luck to you!! xo
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Old 8th June 2017, 6:20 AM   #4
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I agree with 1fish2fish as I also grew up with an abusive controlling mother. I left home when I went to University aged 18 and never went back, and it sorted the problem.

As it has been said, she isn't going to change. The only solution is for you to leave permanently.

I don't know what work you do but can you get extra hours to pay for a place of your own?

It's tough when you are being abused by the person who is supposed to love and support you, but at the end of the day you need to look after your own interests.

Good luck x
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Old 8th June 2017, 6:24 AM   #5
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Your mother sounds mentally ill. Something awful probably happened to her to cause her to be like this. My mother was a lot like her (no physical violence though).

My relationship with improved tremendously after I moved out. That is your solution too. Do what you have to do to live elsewhere. Don't cut off the rest of your family just to stay away from her but get yourself in a position where she has no control

Best wishes.
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Old 8th June 2017, 9:29 PM   #6
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I appreciate the understanding. Unfortunately, my friends either still live at home as adults or with their own significant others. I'm struggling to get a full time job because the economy is bad in my city and my current job had my hours cut because of the weather and not enough customers (small business and it's outdoors). I got two exes willing to help but that is it's own set of problems. I'm basically stuck or get to go back to an ex boyfriend.
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Old 9th June 2017, 8:19 AM   #7
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Originally Posted by FluffyThings View Post
I appreciate the understanding. Unfortunately, my friends either still live at home as adults or with their own significant others. I'm struggling to get a full time job because the economy is bad in my city and my current job had my hours cut because of the weather and not enough customers (small business and it's outdoors). I got two exes willing to help but that is it's own set of problems. I'm basically stuck or get to go back to an ex boyfriend.
Instead of living with your parents why don't you and your friends rent an apartment together and divide the rent? Get a second job. That would give all of you the independence you need at your age.
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Old 9th June 2017, 2:15 PM   #8
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I am so sorry to hear that you and your mother are not getting along especially at this point in your life, you need somewhere to live. However, can you stay with your dad temporarily? I understand that your family attended counseling until mom decided not to go anymore, but what about you? Have you considered speaking with a counselor as an individual?
Good luck! I wish you all the best.
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Old 9th June 2017, 3:37 PM   #9
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I'm looking for another job. I'll take anything I can get at this point. There are many people looking for work here unfortunately and students out for the summer now to compete with. I have student loans to start paying back soon too and that is also concerning me.

My dad lives with my mom so that isn't an option. I don't have the option to speak with a counselor because I have no money to do so, and going through the public health system will take many more months to see someone (I had friends that did this).
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