Dear Lord I am ready, death seems more peaceful than this

[Gone Girl]

When you father is sexual attracted to you and here you are torn inside wondering why. My father started to show sexual interest in me when I was 15 years old, he would touch my private parts and quickly hide by saying he is making sure I haven’t started having sex yet when he knew really well I got rapped when I was 11 by a family friend. You see my mother died when I was 8 years old he has been raised me oh his own since then.

 

They has been step mothers but not all of them have stayed while until I turned 13 and that’s when my dad re –married. He and I never saw eye to eye growing up because he has always been cold and never really taken time to understand me. When I was 17 I was sick and tired of him always touching me so I thought it will be a great idea to actually tell my family so they can help me. No one believed me because he was a respected man in the church community and he helps out now and then when some of my family members have financial problems. I was told I was causing trouble and that I should be grateful that he didn’t dump off somewhere when my mom died.

 

Don’t get me wrong I was grateful but does that mean paying with my sexuality. What was I a prostitute? I watched him as he turned all my friends against me. Telling everyone how dysfunctional I am. I even watched me date some of friends. It was all nice for him sleeping with his wife, my friends, even some few woman he would cheat on his wife with me and a triple bounce now me. I found I guy and like any other human being I fall in love with him, but I had to make sure I don’t tell anyone.

 

Four years of turn my boyfriend down, telling him how I am not ready for sex I finally gave in. What I didn’t know my father was tracking my phone. He came over to my boyfriend house and picked through the windows and saw us having sex. He got saw made that he broke the window and threatened my boyfriend.

 

Mind I was now 20… one year I will never forget. He told my boyfriend that I was a slut I go around sleeping with people and how he was not the only one. I shared everything with my boyfriend and I thought he wouldn’t believe anything but your parents know you better right, I mean they wouldn’t lie about you.

 

Adding salt to injury it turned out my boyfriend was cheating on me. I wasn’t the only one. Could this day get any worse…? I got home that day and he told me no man will ever sleep with me expect for him. “What sex is okay when you sleeping with a stranger not your father? It’s ok because the world said so. I am man who loves you more than all this men who will ask you out. So why share yourself with them not me?”

 

He ever told me how he would stop paying for college and kick me out of the house (remember no one in the family loved me now). I tried fighting him but I got beaten up so bad that he cracked open my skin, he even broke my nose. All that blood was a wakeup call, since that day all I have done when he comes to my room after a bath is lay on the bed like a good prostitute I am and allow him to do what he needs to do so I can be in peace. Although he sometimes breaks me down when I don’t moan, scream or enjoy the sex. He even beats me for that or emotionally abuse me.

 

I work now and I thought finally I can move out but when I did he almost got my fired by creating fake documents. I have never date ever since, he reminds me every day of the day saw me with my boyfriend in bed and what will happened if I dated again. When I try to tell him that I don’t want to sleep with him just for that day he emotionally blackmails me and this latest for months at a times. Every day I would hear how I would be nothing if it wasn’t for him.

 

He becomes do cruel and aggressive. So I try to avoid all this. He tells me how much he loves me and how he sacrificed so much so I can have the life I have. Deep down I love my father but I really can’t breathe. Is that God brought me in this world for so I can be a sex slave to men? I have lost all hope in you Lord, how I use to worship you. Now I am live because all I want in a natural death, my soul is already in hell I just don’t want to add fuel to the fire.

 

So I pray to you one last time, I ask you one last time Lord please allow me to rest in peace. All I ask is for death, not the impossible. Free I form this burning hell I am because all I need is cool, sunny day. God please before I fall pregnant and here I am hating my child because he/she is a reminder of the hurt I felt inside. Am I being ungrateful? There are children out there without a father, children who all the want and need is a love of a father.

 

Should I just shut up and actually do whatever he pleases. What must I do I am a lost sheep in a really rough jungle… Who knew that love would hurt more than hate its self?

Edited March 20, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and move to Abuse forum

[Arieswoman]

Gone girl,

I am sorry you are going through this.

 

Your problems are beyond the scope of anyone on this board, so I would suggest you need professional help.

 

You do not say where you are but you must tell the Police or someone in authority about this.

 

Good luck

[preraph]

I don't know how old you are, but if you are underage, please call Child Protective Services or go to the police station.

 

If you are an adult, you need to sever ties with your father and report him to the police. And then you will need to sort it all out (none of this is your fault) with a therapist. I suggest starting with the police because they have victims advocates and you may have to be careful and hide until he gets locked up. If you can't face locking him up, then you at least owe it to yourself to run away and support yourself with two jobs and blocking him from interfering with your life. You need help and support on this. You shouldn't try this all alone. I am so sorry for your plight.

[TheWoman]

Find someone, anyone you can tell your story to. Ask for their help. A teacher you liked, a doctor, a family friend, anyone you can trust.

 

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.

— Khalil Gibran

[forgiven1]

@Gone Girl..... I sit here with tears in my eyes for your pain... Let me first and foremost tell you that none and I mean none of the sexual abuse you've endured has been brought on via The Lord or yourself... unfortunately, we live in a broken world of lots of evils. I was raped by a boyfriend, sexually abused by cousins and step dad as well as my mother's boyfriend, the pain and the thoughts that go through our minds are from the enemy trying to get our eyes turned away from The Lord... There is a verse in Isaiah that says He turns our ashes into Beauty... Even Joseph told his brothers what they meant for harm God meant for good... God can take our hurts and turn them into our greatest victories... Isaiah 41:10 is a verse I hold onto a lot. There is also another that say that He knows my misery and is concerned with it... there is nothing He doesn't know and He has great plans for you even when you feel so low--- forgiveness isn't for your dad but yourself, God says pray for your enemies and the best thing to help us forgive in this awful thing is to pray for those who abuse us. I'm sorry you too had your claims dismissed as untruth, this hurts so much, but don't ever forget God knows and He will avenge this hurt according to His purpose and will... I am praying for you and know you're not alone at all.... you're worth for more than rubies, trust God to take this and He does have a guy that will love you and accept you just as you are.... DO you have a celebrate recovery near you? do you have a counselor you can talk to? Do you have one person who believes you and will walk this journey with you?? I am glad to talk with you more and welcome PM if you would like... can also send you some resources I've used in my recovery if you'd like. There is no statue of limitations in this kind of crime so never feel you have no options. much love and prayers dear

 

 

 

When you father is sexual attracted to you and here you are torn inside wondering why. My father started to show sexual interest in me when I was 15 years old, he would touch my private parts and quickly hide by saying he is making sure I haven’t started having sex yet when he knew really well I got rapped when I was 11 by a family friend. You see my mother died when I was 8 years old he has been raised me oh his own since then.

 

They has been step mothers but not all of them have stayed while until I turned 13 and that’s when my dad re –married. He and I never saw eye to eye growing up because he has always been cold and never really taken time to understand me. When I was 17 I was sick and tired of him always touching me so I thought it will be a great idea to actually tell my family so they can help me. No one believed me because he was a respected man in the church community and he helps out now and then when some of my family members have financial problems. I was told I was causing trouble and that I should be grateful that he didn’t dump off somewhere when my mom died.

 

Don’t get me wrong I was grateful but does that mean paying with my sexuality. What was I a prostitute? I watched him as he turned all my friends against me. Telling everyone how dysfunctional I am. I even watched me date some of friends. It was all nice for him sleeping with his wife, my friends, even some few woman he would cheat on his wife with me and a triple bounce now me. I found I guy and like any other human being I fall in love with him, but I had to make sure I don’t tell anyone.

 

Four years of turn my boyfriend down, telling him how I am not ready for sex I finally gave in. What I didn’t know my father was tracking my phone. He came over to my boyfriend house and picked through the windows and saw us having sex. He got saw made that he broke the window and threatened my boyfriend.

 

Mind I was now 20… one year I will never forget. He told my boyfriend that I was a slut I go around sleeping with people and how he was not the only one. I shared everything with my boyfriend and I thought he wouldn’t believe anything but your parents know you better right, I mean they wouldn’t lie about you.

 

Adding salt to injury it turned out my boyfriend was cheating on me. I wasn’t the only one. Could this day get any worse…? I got home that day and he told me no man will ever sleep with me expect for him. “What sex is okay when you sleeping with a stranger not your father? It’s ok because the world said so. I am man who loves you more than all this men who will ask you out. So why share yourself with them not me?”

 

He ever told me how he would stop paying for college and kick me out of the house (remember no one in the family loved me now). I tried fighting him but I got beaten up so bad that he cracked open my skin, he even broke my nose. All that blood was a wakeup call, since that day all I have done when he comes to my room after a bath is lay on the bed like a good prostitute I am and allow him to do what he needs to do so I can be in peace. Although he sometimes breaks me down when I don’t moan, scream or enjoy the sex. He even beats me for that or emotionally abuse me.

 

I work now and I thought finally I can move out but when I did he almost got my fired by creating fake documents. I have never date ever since, he reminds me every day of the day saw me with my boyfriend in bed and what will happened if I dated again. When I try to tell him that I don’t want to sleep with him just for that day he emotionally blackmails me and this latest for months at a times. Every day I would hear how I would be nothing if it wasn’t for him.

 

He becomes do cruel and aggressive. So I try to avoid all this. He tells me how much he loves me and how he sacrificed so much so I can have the life I have. Deep down I love my father but I really can’t breathe. Is that God brought me in this world for so I can be a sex slave to men? I have lost all hope in you Lord, how I use to worship you. Now I am live because all I want in a natural death, my soul is already in hell I just don’t want to add fuel to the fire.

 

So I pray to you one last time, I ask you one last time Lord please allow me to rest in peace. All I ask is for death, not the impossible. Free I form this burning hell I am because all I need is cool, sunny day. God please before I fall pregnant and here I am hating my child because he/she is a reminder of the hurt I felt inside. Am I being ungrateful? There are children out there without a father, children who all the want and need is a love of a father.

 

Should I just shut up and actually do whatever he pleases. What must I do I am a lost sheep in a really rough jungle… Who knew that love would hurt more than hate its self?

[confused_gf]

Love is not about control. Your father is controlling you in very harmful ways. The longer you stay in that situation the more you will lose your soul. I know it is hard to accept: but that is not love. You have been made to believe that it is something you should tolerate, that is the saddest part of all to me. In my opinion this requires intervention by a therapist and more importantly, the police!

[William]

Folks, thanks for the response; as the member has never returned, I'm going to close this up for now. Hopefully, they'll find life to be the preferred solution.