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Can I trust he wont be aggressive to me again..


ghjyklp1

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I haven't written on a forum before so please forgive me if anything I say or mention isn't as relevant as usual forums are, and consider myself as a very private person but seeking the advice of complete strangers feels as though it may be my last resort as I feel very lost right now and don't feel comfortable speaking to my close friends or family because I believe they would only tell me to leave the relationship and would not forgive me if i chose to stay.

 

I am 22 years old and have been with my boyfriend for just over a year and a half, we have spent no longer than a night apart the entire relationship and although some people would think that as too much we both love it this way and both admit to missing each other's presence when we're apart. We both work full time hours each week so aren't spending 24/7 together but are very affectionate and loving to one another when we are together, and would consider ourselves as a very intimate couple who are very loyal and have never had any issues with unfaithfulness or trust around cheating, lying etc. This has bonded us very well and he is my first serious relationship, I honestly feel like I couldn't ever love another man as much or as deeply as I love him and feel he is my soul mate and the only person in the world for me.. I know that may sound cliche and that I am young but I consider myself a mature adult, and wouldn't make these statements if I didn't mean them.

 

Now that I have explained the relationship I need to explain the reason I have reached out for help on this forum anonymously. My boyfriend can be quite short tempered, and gets hot headed fairly easily but it's taken to a completely different level when he's drunk..

 

This has caused issues for us in the past and there has been a few occasions where his actions have hurt me very severely as I am a fairly sensitive person and he means the world to me and to have him put me down just breaks my heart. Examples of this are that when we went out for a birthday early in the relationship we were drinking at a bar/club kind of venue, we were both intoxicated and my dress slid up slightly, revealing my underwear, it was a complete accident but he called me a slut and left me alone and walked off, I was an absolute mess,

 

the next day he apologised and said it would never happen again, I trusted him but it happened again, the next time he left me at a night club when we were celebrating his birthday as a friend of his tried giving me a drink and he accused me of being 'close to him' in the past which I wasn't, he lost it at me for seeking help from his brother who was out and with us, but I had only done that to try and get his brother to calm him down, he again left me and told me he would be blocking my number and would be ok without me in his life, I was so broken and hurt, I was in tears in front of everyone, but I trusted him again and gave him another chance.

 

Another occasion was at his cousins wedding, we were having an amazing night, he told me he couldn't wait for our day to come when we marry, we danced, drank, laughed and then his brother couldnt find his phone so I went to go help him and my boyfriend lost it at me and called me a slut, and said he didnt want to be with a kind of girl that walks away alone etc, he got so angry that he pushed me down onto the carpark pavement, his dad helped me up but I had bad bruising for a couple of weeks down my arm and on my hip from the impact of the fall.

 

That was the first time he was ever aggressive, but I havent mentioned even half of the times he has verbally insulted me and put me down. That time I broke up with him, I didn't speak to him for a while but eventually forgave him as he truly convinced me he was disgusted in himself and has learnt his lesson that he will lose me.. that was a few months ago and we have been better than ever recently, but just this weekend he was drinking and got drunk at his sports club, I came to his house late at night when he got home and he wanted fast food so I offered driving him to go and get it, when doing this I was tired and not in a good mood, I get stressed about him drinking and find myself irritated easily, I just wanted to be asleep already (it was past midnight and I was meant to see him around 10pm but he stayed later than he planned to originally) I was being fairly short with him but kept explaining I was just tired.

 

We arrived back to his house and I needed to bring my bag in, I told him to bring the drinks in himself and food and he snapped, he called me a whore because I was in a bad mood and when I went to walk into the house he was at the door and he hit my head from behind with his hand. I couldn't and still can't believe he did it. It wasn't a punch but it did hurt me physically and I was beside myself with stress and sadness. I left immediately and woke the next day to him calling and calling , apologising over text and I blocked his number. He emailed me so I called him and said I dont know if I can forgive him.

 

He has said he's been researching into domestic violence and that this was a big wake up call for him and he will never do it again. He said it makes him sick that he did it to me and he is so sorry and couldnt imagine his life without me and that he loves me and is so sorry for his actions. Please give me your opinions because I am at a point where I have no one else to reach out to for advice. I love him so much but dont know what to do anymore. Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs and moved to Abuse ~6
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He will do it again. And again. And it will get worse. You either need to leave him or he needs to change. That means anger management therapy and most likely he needs to quit drinking, he sounds like an awful drunk. Is he the same way with his friends when he's drinking?

 

All of this above needs to happen, because what he's doing to you is NOT OK.

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I don't care if he brings you all the roses, apologies, and I love you's in the world...do not get back with this guy. You are being abused. By forgiving and getting back with him you're essentially telling him it's okay to treat you that way...and it's not okay...at all.

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Cookiesandough

No you cannot. Please get out this abusive relationship. He has an abusive pattern of behavior and this doesn't get better, it gets worse. Next time hec could do irreparable harm to you

Edited by Cookiesandough
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My boyfriend can be quite short tempered, and gets hot headed fairly easily but it's taken to a completely different level when he's drunk.
GHJ, if your BF's rages were directed against a wide variety of people (e.g., road rage against complete strangers on the highway), you would be describing warning signs for IED (Intermittent Explosive Disorder). So far, however, all your examples of his temper tantrums show that his rages are triggered only by you. If that is the case, you're describing classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

 

"Intense, inappropriate anger" is one of the nine defining traits for BPD. If your BF is a BPDer (i.e., has strong and persistent BPD traits), he carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in less than a minute -- oftentimes in only ten seconds. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their emotions. Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions.

 

Further, BPDers have a great fear of abandonment, which typically is manifested as irrational jealousy over very minor incidents -- as occurred when your dress slipped upwards, when you stepped aside to help his brother find a phone, and when his friend tried to give you a drink during a birthday celebration. This great abandonment fear is another one of the nine defining traits for BPD.

 

For these reasons, the physical abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers. Similarly, a 2008 study and a 2012 study find a strong association between violence and BPD.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your BF's issues. Although strong BPD traits are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a painful situation, e.g., remaining in a toxic R/S with your BF or running into the arms of another man just like him. Take care, GHJ.

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Versacehottie

i'm afraid this bunch of strangers will tell you the same things your family and friends would tell you. This is abusive. You can be mature at 22 or 42 and at same time still get suckered into relationships like this. You can be grown up and at same time dependent on him because it is your first relationship so you don't know by comparison how different things could be. Perhaps you should research domestic violence too (if he has been)--pretty sure the majority of the time, it gets worse!! It's emotional, mental and physical abuse. Just because there are instances where physical acts are not involved doesn't mean the other stuff isn't going on systematically. You are buying into the control big time by "we haven't spent more than a night not together". I'm worried for you. Someone that loves or cares about you would tell you not to waste another minute on this guy. Your life is too important, too precious on it's own. I would say the same thing. Break up. Good luck

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First of all, I applaud you for walking out the first time and having the strength to show him that you do not accept his volatile behaviour. However, when you accept his apologies and allow him back in your life, you are effectively telling him that it is OK to treat you the way he does. This man is a monster and a coward who sucks at life so the only way he can gain power and control is to hurt a woman. The alcohol just gives him the confidence carry out his abuse.

 

When he pushed you to the ground at the wedding, you say his dad helped you back up, did his dad reprimand him about his behaviour?

 

You are obviously a strong, caring and loving woman so listen to you gut and do the right thing for YOU - not that animal who obviously doesn't deserve you.

 

Please update us on how you get on x

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This will only get worse, not better.

 

For your own safety and support you must tell your family and friends.

 

Do not go back to him

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Actions speak louder than words. Please get away from this guy. It will only get worse.

 

Sorry you have to deal with something like this. :(

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He is a danger to himself and you because of his mental state of mind where he has social, physical, verbal, abusive angry issues. You shouldn't put up with this sort of behavior and you do it because your love him so much. I read all what you said I know where your coming from. I have to admit I've been in a relationship like this and felt this way 7 years ago, that has brought me to this site where I got some advise as well. I am no longer in that relationship because it wasn't what I deem to be right. But I going to help you too, you can't and shouldn't put up with such a violent man. He can't change who he is really inside and out. You can't take all those promises to be truth. When you mix the drinking into it's just worst.

 

You have been battered physically, mentally and emotionally. That is why your here because your torn between him and yourself. Love is true and Love is blind. In your case its both because you allow this to keep going. If you marry him it will be a nightmare and you can't get out of it. This is what you really need to think about. Your body can't handle and wasn't meant for this abuse. None of us here should ever go through what your going and it does happen. We're too weak in the forgiven part. We care too much for others. Those of us that do this some can be take it and brush it off. You can't and you shouldn't tolerate him or any man this way. Loving a man like this you put yourself in trouble. What going to happen next could cost you more than you think.

 

Need to try to convince him to get help, but it's too late for him because he would need to be on medication for the rest of his life to calm his angry down. He won't be the man you love anymore. But the abusive behavior without drinking will be normal. But men like him will keep drinking and you should quit drinking also. This doesn't help no one. He needs help if you love him you will quit the drinking and if he won't stop then you have to leave him for good. He will get very upset and violent with him if you do that too so just be aware of it. Your going to have to call in the law to put a restraining order on him. I see too much like this prior in other relationships.

 

I say try to leave slowly say going to stay with your folks for a while. You need to get away from him. You will end up even worst if you stay. He can't help himself and you can't help him. You will be his punching bag. You don't need this sort of man in your life now or in the future. Should you not take this advise just know one thing you have been warned. I wish you the the best in this and hope you can listen to all of us here. This is not an easy situation to go through on your own because you still love him and willing to be put up with the abuse. Need to pull yourself together and see how this isn't right. No one has this sort of man in their life nor should you. There are better men out their for you. Note that you have this damage in your life it's going to be very hard to trust another man who is not so abusive. For you it will take time to trust again and the fair of being hit going to be with you always.

Edited by coolheadal
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Please read "Why Does He Do That", there are free PDFs available online. You will find that all the responses you have gotten here are most likely what the future holds with this guy. More importantly, it will help you understand the why's that you find yourself needing to know. I have no doubt you love him, even if you are young. Not everyone we love deserves us, unfortunately.

 

Also, he didn't "lose it" he was in control enough to strike you in the back of the head which leaves no visable marks.

Edited by Anne5113
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Also, he didn't "lose it" he was in control enough to strike you in the back of the head which leaves no visable marks.

 

Agreed.

Anger management can be an inappropriate "treatment" as a lot of abusive guys are not actually angry when they do and say abusive things.

They give the impression of anger to control the situation, scare the person, and put the other person down, but they are often not actually that angry or angry at all.

The "red mist" hasn't descended, he knows exactly what he must say or do to cause the maximum damage.

 

Sounds though that this guy is an abusive drunk. He loses his inhibitions through drink and shows his true character.

 

OP

YOU have given him chance after chance here, time to walk away before he really hurts you.

This is not "love", a man who loves you does not call you derogatory names or hit you. Yes, he is all very apologetic and will never do it again but that is a very common response from abusive men.

He is not "special", he is just a common or garden abuser.

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I haven't written on a forum before so please forgive me if anything I say or mention isn't as relevant as usual forums are, and consider myself as a very private person but seeking the advice of complete strangers feels as though it may be my last resort as I feel very lost right now and don't feel comfortable speaking to my close friends or family because I believe they would only tell me to leave the relationship and would not forgive me if i chose to stay. I am 22 years old and have been with my boyfriend for just over a year and a half, we have spent no longer than a night apart the entire relationship and although some people would think that as too much we both love it this way and both admit to missing each other's presence when we're apart. We both work full time hours each week so aren't spending 24/7 together but are very affectionate and loving to one another when we are together, and would consider ourselves as a very intimate couple who are very loyal and have never had any issues with unfaithfulness or trust around cheating, lying etc. This has bonded us very well and he is my first serious relationship, I honestly feel like I couldn't ever love another man as much or as deeply as I love him and feel he is my soul mate and the only person in the world for me.. I know that may sound cliche and that I am young but I consider myself a mature adult, and wouldn't make these statements if I didn't mean them.

Now that I have explained the relationship I need to explain the reason I have reached out for help on this forum anonymously. My boyfriend can be quite short tempered, and gets hot headed fairly easily but it's taken to a completely different level when he's drunk.. This has caused issues for us in the past and there has been a few occasions where his actions have hurt me very severely as I am a fairly sensitive person and he means the world to me and to have him put me down just breaks my heart. Examples of this are that when we went out for a birthday early in the relationship we were drinking at a bar/club kind of venue, we were both intoxicated and my dress slid up slightly, revealing my underwear, it was a complete accident but he called me a slut and left me alone and walked off, I was an absolute mess, the next day he apologised and said it would never happen again, I trusted him but it happened again, the next time he left me at a night club when we were celebrating his birthday as a friend of his tried giving me a drink and he accused me of being 'close to him' in the past which I wasn't, he lost it at me for seeking help from his brother who was out and with us, but I had only done that to try and get his brother to calm him down, he again left me and told me he would be blocking my number and would be ok without me in his life, I was so broken and hurt, I was in tears in front of everyone, but I trusted him again and gave him another chance. Another occasion was at his cousins wedding, we were having an amazing night, he told me he couldn't wait for our day to come when we marry, we danced, drank, laughed and then his brother couldnt find his phone so I went to go help him and my boyfriend lost it at me and called me a slut, and said he didnt want to be with a kind of girl that walks away alone etc, he got so angry that he pushed me down onto the carpark pavement, his dad helped me up but I had bad bruising for a couple of weeks down my arm and on my hip from the impact of the fall. That was the first time he was ever aggressive, but I havent mentioned even half of the times he has verbally insulted me and put me down. That time I broke up with him, I didn't speak to him for a while but eventually forgave him as he truly convinced me he was disgusted in himself and has learnt his lesson that he will lose me.. that was a few months ago and we have been better than ever recently, but just this weekend he was drinking and got drunk at his sports club, I came to his house late at night when he got home and he wanted fast food so I offered driving him to go and get it, when doing this I was tired and not in a good mood, I get stressed about him drinking and find myself irritated easily, I just wanted to be asleep already (it was past midnight and I was meant to see him around 10pm but he stayed later than he planned to originally) I was being fairly short with him but kept explaining I was just tired. We arrived back to his house and I needed to bring my bag in, I told him to bring the drinks in himself and food and he snapped, he called me a whore because I was in a bad mood and when I went to walk into the house he was at the door and he hit my head from behind with his hand. I couldn't and still can't believe he did it. It wasn't a punch but it did hurt me physically and I was beside myself with stress and sadness. I left immediately and woke the next day to him calling and calling , apologising over text and I blocked his number. He emailed me so I called him and said I dont know if I can forgive him. He has said he's been researching into domestic violence and that this was a big wake up call for him and he will never do it again. He said it makes him sick that he did it to me and he is so sorry and couldnt imagine his life without me and that he loves me and is so sorry for his actions. Please give me your opinions because I am at a point where I have no one else to reach out to for advice. I love him so much but dont know what to do anymore. Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

 

My boyfriend can be quite short tempered, and gets hot headed fairly easily but it's taken to a completely different level when he's drunk..

 

a few occasions where his actions have hurt me very severely

 

he got so angry that he pushed me down onto the carpark pavement

 

he hit my head from behind with his hand

 

This guy is emotionally AND physically abusive and has acted out in this manner a number of times. I don't know why you tolerated anything up to the point where he pushed you down in the carpark . . .

 

This behavior will only escalate if you stay with him and accept that.

 

Can you trust he won't be aggressive with you again? -- I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

 

You will find yourself walking on eggshells all the time, being afraid to speak to do anything for fear of being abused. GET OUT NOW BEFORE HE SUCKS THE LIFE OUT OF YOU. IT'S ALREADY BEGUN.

 

This is not baseball -- ONE strike and you're out. This guys already had too many at bats.

 

He has said he's been researching into domestic violence -- You should spend some time doing the same thing and finding a support group so you can hear first hand how domestic violence affects a woman/man and a relationship.

 

Is this the kind of man you want to expose any children you two may have to? Think about the future.

Edited by Redhead14
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Talk to your close friends & family. You already know they are going to tell you the same things we are telling you. Your BF is dangerous & he is not the sweet loving man you claim he is. You are being foolish & are blinded to his real personality because you think you love him. Newsflash: He does not love you. He is abusing you & you are letting him.

 

 

Real men don't call the women they love "slut" or "whore" EVER!

 

 

If he gets professional anger management counseling AND goes to AA, after he has at least 6 months of sobriety under his belt you can consider going back to him. For now, you have to walk away. The price for staying may be your life, or at least your sanity / self esteem.

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doubel post, for some reason...

 

But still, it won't get better. If you stay with him, you are putting your life at risk. Get out now.

Edited by BaileyB
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This mans behavior is unacceptable. Don't waste your life with a man who hurts you. It's unacceptable.

 

If you stay with him, you are putting your life at risk.

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he got so angry that he pushed me down onto the carpark pavement, his dad helped me up but I had bad bruising for a couple of weeks down my arm and on my hip from the impact of the fall.

 

I would have kicked my son's own ass for this

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Calmandfocused

Everything that the other posters have said is true. He is abusing you, it will not stop and it WILL get worse.

 

However, I get the sense that you aren't going to leave him. Yet! I'm not being critical of you but it's clear in your post that you are very emotionally attached to him. This is why you are putting up with all this it seems.

 

Read about traumatic bonding and the "privelages" that abusive men receive, which maintains the abuse cycle. "Why does it he do that" is an excellent book IMO.

 

I think you first need to work on emotionally detaching from him. By that, I mean starting to build your life and interests that do not involve him. By doing this you will notice that you need him less and you will stop rationalising his mistreatment of you. Basically, you need to work towards not loving him anymore and realise exactly what he's doing to you.

 

In the meantime, please focus on keeping yourself safe. Do not engage with him whilst he's drinking and ring the police if he attacks you again. You need to show him that what he is doing is not ok.

 

Look after yourself x

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Get out of this relationship NOW! I spent 16 years with a bipolar/borderline personality disorder man who did everything you mentioned and more. And it escalated, it never got better. I have a feeling he was super charming at first, took you into a serious relationship at a fast pace and has somewhat alienated you from your friends and family based on the amount of time you spend with him. Leave him, get into counseling and move on with your life. Read any of Patricia Evans' books. They are fantastic!

Edited by supernova32
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Abusers get worse as they get older, and they get worse once they see you stayed even though they abused you.

 

Please do not be stupid and stay with this bad guy. You cannot change him.

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I was married for 30 years to a really wonderful husband. He hit me ONCE in the thirtieth year and told me he was considering divorce. I was moved out and I started the divorce process the next day . . . I lived in my car for 2 days, found a room in someone's house, lived there for a week and moved into my own place the following week. In the end, we ended things amicably, had a smooth divorce process, have repaired the relationship and are civil and friendly with each other for our children (even though they are grown). He was bi-polar and did extremely well with medications and managing all his symptoms for all those years. When he had troubles at work, he stopped taking his meds (I didn't know that although I did suspect) and things escalated. He had been behaving erratically for some time but that was the peak. He has since been on his meds and back to his "old self" again for the most part, but the bi-polar symptoms have become worse and harder to manage.

 

My point is, physical abuse is a DEAL BREAKER/NON-NEGOTIABLE/NOT EXCUSABLE.

 

As a side note -- married women should always do several things for themselves -- have at least one credit card in her name only that she keeps without using until necessary. Have a separate savings account and a car in her name or both names. The house must be in both names as well. And, keep up her "employment" skills as much as possible.

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SaveYourHeart

Honey, run as fast and as far as you can. Take it from those of us who have experienced it, it only gets worse. Look into local al-anon (family of alcoholics) groups, they've really helped me. The family and friends forum section on SoberRecovery.com has some great information.

 

You are strong, you are beautiful, you are smart, you are worthy. You are better than this. You deserve more. Take care of yourself.

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