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Just Miscarried baby and he's blaming me...


solidfythis

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I need some sympathy.

 

I miscarried at 6 weeks. It started yesterday while I was on a plane with my DH on way to vacation with friends.

 

I started crying and he didn't have too much to say. He kept saying stop crying! Why are you tearing up? I says because I could feel the cramping and heavy bleeding.

 

When we landed I called the doctor and he said since I had heavy clotting and cramping, I was definitely miscarrying. He said he would see me when I came home but I should go to ER if the bleeding increased. My husband started telling me that I needed to have a healthier lifestyle. He said the fact that i didn't work out everyday before pregnancy (I do now) was probably the cause and my stress. He blamed me.

 

I said please don't blame me right now. I am just coping with this. He started yelling that I clearly overreact and want drama since I can't handle the truth.

 

I swallowed it and let it go. Then after dinner he started arguing with me again. I told him to stop. I was not feeling well at all. He was looking on FB and was mentioning that his coworker was sooooo lucky because he married a millionaire woman and he has no worries. I said well I'm sorry I don't have millions. I do my best with hard work.

 

He began raising his voice and telling me that I clearly can't handle the wine I was drinking (second glass) and that he was sick of my behavior.

 

We started to walk out (on my suggestion) and he says I see ...you just want to go find another rich man here at this hotel. I stopped holding his hand immediately and he started walking super fast in front of me and said loudly (in front of everyone) why don't you just take off your ring!!!!

 

We were waking by the hotel door and I walked out. I said leave me alone. I'm going for a walk.

 

He told me if I did that that he was flying home, he will never see me again and he will pack my things and ship them to me once I found my own place. I said get away from me?!!! I started walking fast outside and he began running after me. Screaming for me to Stop and says "you are drunk and crazy!"

 

He says he was leaving and said please!!!!!!! Go!!!! You have no compassion for your wife who is bleeding. Losing your child. And you accuse me of searching for another man on our vacation ?!!! Then say you are LEAVING me?!!!

 

Then as he screamed and ran after me he fell. He stepped in a hole. I stopped and said omg. Are you ok??? My phone was dead. He said his ankle was broken and he needs help. I went to grab his phone and he ripped it from my hand and started dialing and he told me was going to tell police I abused him and he broke his ankle when he fell!!!!

 

I ran immediately away from him. He said he was just being sarcastic and he wouldn't really do that. I said. Leave me alone!! Fly home!!! Gooooooo!!!!

 

I ran to the room. He came. He says he was packing. I said good. Then he suggested he was going to file a theft charge if I kept the computer!

 

It was a horrible fight. Security came to the door. He never left. And he went on and on all night about how dramatic I am and how u cannot be trusted because I told him to leave me. I said YOU did this! You said to take off my ring in front of everyone! and then I tried to go for a walk and you said you would go home and kick me out?!

 

We are still on the vacation. Thank God my friends didn't necessarily hear this. They arrived too late.

 

I'm still bleeding and in pain. He said that he is very sick to his stomach "but you don't care about me.."

 

He says "it's always abut you!!!!"

 

I told him that he (we) are acting insane. That he can't do this anymore. We have had security Come at hotels before because he fights w me so loudly. That has NEVER happened to me with anyone else in my life.

 

He says I need to take responsibility for my actions and words.

 

What would you do about any of this? Am I at fault. I def do not feel well. But I don't think I'm being unreasonable.

Edited by solidfythis
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Slow the horse here.

 

First I am sorry for the loss....have you been to the doctor? If not, go NOW.

Second, this is a blessing in disguise. Please don't take this the wrong way. But having that baby would have been a huge block for you to get away from this man, which is exactly what you need to do.

 

He is emotionally and verbally abusive. You need to leave him ASAP, like yesterday.

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What kind of doctor wouldn't tell you to go to the ER immediately? and even though you hadn't seen a doctor yet, you were drinking wine while either pregnant or miscarrying?

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My husband is actually a doctor. He has so little compassion. I guess because he's a doctor. He even told me.....have your wine. It will help with the pain and relax. It's all about the clotting and heavy bleeding, I guess.

 

He said "you don't need to go to an ER...just go to your OBGYN when you get home."

 

Slow the horse here.

 

First I am sorry for the loss....have you been to the doctor? If not, go NOW.

Second, this is a blessing in disguise. Please don't take this the wrong way. But having that baby would have been a huge block for you to get away from this man, which is exactly what you need to do.

 

He is emotionally and verbally abusive. You need to leave him ASAP, like yesterday.

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Honey, this is your golden opportunity to leave him and live a good, happy life without him. You have your whole life ahead of you, leave him while you still can. He should never blame you for the miscarriage, he's a jerk. By the way, the computer is marital property. That means you can take it if you want, and address it during the divorce proceedings.

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I am so scared that I have lost my guts to leave. When the fights are over and things calmed down... I start to think -- oh I can't leave. I love him and we are going to survive this.

 

But, he truly tells me that fight was ALL my fault and literally just told me that I should apologize to him for pulling my hand away from him and causing the entire fight.

 

I said I pulled my hand away because you accused your wife who is having a miscarriage of wanting to leave to find another man in the bar.... And then raising your voice and saying "take off your ring..."

 

And then the rest... I don't understand

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grassisorisntgreener

No. No. No.

 

Please, I am begging you, you have got to get out of this toxic relationship. This man has absolutely no redeeming qualities that could make up for the way you have been treated.

 

If he treats you this poorly ON VACATION after a MISCARRIAGE..how does he treat you normally.

 

This isn't normal behavior. The fact that you are even questioning if you should be mad at all is very very alarming.

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dreamingoftigers
I am so scared that I have lost my guts to leave. When the fights are over and things calmed down... I start to think -- oh I can't leave. I love him and we are going to survive this.

 

But, he truly tells me that fight was ALL my fault and literally just told me that I should apologize to him for pulling my hand away from him and causing the entire fight.

 

I said I pulled my hand away because you accused your wife who is having a miscarriage of wanting to leave to find another man in the bar.... And then raising your voice and saying "take off your ring..."

 

And then the rest... I don't understand

 

Covertly leave him.

 

Somehow, somewhere get the guts up to quietly seek support from anywhere, anyone. Don't sit by complaining about him, leave.

 

You have been so traumatized by this and other things he's done that you feel weak, drained and full of anxiety.

 

Know that the quickest way away from feeling like you want to die sometimes is by getting away from him.

 

He will fight it and fight you. But when it comes to the choice between your marriage and your sanity, you must pick your sanity.

 

He gave up on sanity a long time ago. And his coping skills are the shts.

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dreamingoftigers
Also, in case you need to hear it.

 

The miscarriage is absolutely NOT your fault.

 

If anything, it might be partially HIS fault.

 

Because he sounds like a stressful control freak to deal with.

 

He needs a fcking doctor!

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I am so scared that I have lost my guts to leave. When the fights are over and things calmed down... I start to think -- oh I can't leave. I love him and we are going to survive this.

 

But, he truly tells me that fight was ALL my fault and literally just told me that I should apologize to him for pulling my hand away from him and causing the entire fight.

 

I said I pulled my hand away because you accused your wife who is having a miscarriage of wanting to leave to find another man in the bar.... And then raising your voice and saying "take off your ring..."

 

And then the rest... I don't understand

You can do it, you CAN leave him. We're all here to support you. You deserve so much more than to be treated like that.

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I just asked him if he thought I should consider going to a doctor here out of town..and he said no. He said go when you return....they may have to do a D and C if you don't fully pass...but since I was only 6 weeks along - probably not.

 

As for the strength to leave -- I don't know. I must say that I got a job offer that he doesn't know about out of state. It would require a paycut but I would love the job (I think). I am wondering if I shouldn't just take it and disappear.

 

Today he is telling me how much he loves me and he is worried that I seem so distant....I said I just don't feel well. He said that something is up because I am not holding his hand much or looking at him when he talks.

 

He reminded me that on the plane he did tell me that we would try again -- but that he wants me to be healthy first. No drinking...and constant working out. That's how the BLAME came. He said I was drinking too much on weekends out and that it probably caused the miscarriage too.

 

I found out by accident at 4 weeks on the nose because I had gone in for blood work and they saw I was JUST pregnant. I stopped drinking immediately and stared working out 7 days a week and really eating healthy. He said the weekend before I was out drinking (WITH HIM) and that probably didn't help.

 

Again - today he's all rainbows and unicorns. We will be fine... we will have another baby....he will try to help me take the stress off ...and you need to be healthy.

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Someone posted here earlier about how they were surprised that I didn't see my DH as a monster...and I need therapy to understand this treatment.

 

I can tell you this is icing on the cake. He has been on and off like this. He constantly tells me things like .... "you look guilty...what are you up to?" (while working on my computer) "you never seem happy ( this is usually because I get very quiet when he gets upset about day to day things like....after he screams down the highway "Oh my fuc*ing God-- life is a nightmare" about missing an exit.)

 

He puts me on the edge a lot and I sit quietly to let him cool down. Then he will say... you never have anything to say. You are impossible.

 

For example if he says where do you want to go to dinner (we out many times a week) and I'll say..."i'm good with anything...you can pick." He will respond angrily at least once a week and say that I'm impossible and I enjoy being vague and difficult... that I can't even pick a place for dinner!

 

I will say ...wait, why can't YOU pick the place then? He will say I asked you and you can't even make a f'ing decision on DINNER!

 

This kind of stuff has made me very tired and worn down. Last night was the first time I really stood up to him and when he threatened to leave me and pack my shi* ...I said GOOOOOOO!!!!! And somehow all he says is ....YOU TOLD ME TO LEAVE! YOU STARTED THIS! YOU YOU YOU YOU...

 

He takes no fault. He says that argument was my fault because I wouldn't hold his hand while he was telling me that I was trying to leave him for someone else in the bar - - since I suggested we leave the location.

 

((((hug))))) Time to leave this monster, my friend.

 

I am so sorry for your loss.

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dreamingoftigers
Someone posted here earlier about how they were surprised that I didn't see my DH as a monster...and I need therapy to understand this treatment.

 

I can tell you this is icing on the cake. He has been on and off like this. He constantly tells me things like .... "you look guilty...what are you up to?" (while working on my computer) "you never seem happy ( this is usually because I get very quiet when he gets upset about day to day things like....after he screams down the highway "Oh my fuc*ing God-- life is a nightmare" about missing an exit.)

 

He puts me on the edge a lot and I sit quietly to let him cool down. Then he will say... you never have anything to say. You are impossible.

 

For example if he says where do you want to go to dinner (we out many times a week) and I'll say..."i'm good with anything...you can pick." He will respond angrily at least once a week and say that I'm impossible and I enjoy being vague and difficult... that I can't even pick a place for dinner!

 

I will say ...wait, why can't YOU pick the place then? He will say I asked you and you can't even make a f'ing decision on DINNER!

 

This kind of stuff has made me very tired and worn down. Last night was the first time I really stood up to him and when he threatened to leave me and pack my shi* ...I said GOOOOOOO!!!!! And somehow all he says is ....YOU TOLD ME TO LEAVE! YOU STARTED THIS! YOU YOU YOU YOU...

 

He takes no fault. He says that argument was my fault because I wouldn't hold his hand while he was telling me that I was trying to leave him for someone else in the bar - - since I suggested we leave the location.

 

Don't get too lost or too weak with this one.

 

This one is OBVIOUS.

 

If you really need MORE, read The Verbally Abusive Relationship.

 

But seriously, he's beyond ridiculous.

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I'm sorry you are going through this and I hope you wake up and finally see the light. Read up on the cycle of abuse and how abusers condition their victims as well as the mindset of the victim. Everything he is doing is textbook behavior of an abuser.

 

Also, do you really want to bring children into such an unhealthy environment? Giving him a child is not going to change him. He'll always be who he is. You and your child however will never be the same again.

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Don't get too lost or too weak with this one.

 

This one is OBVIOUS.

 

If you really need MORE, read The Verbally Abusive Relationship.

 

But seriously, he's beyond ridiculous.

 

Please do read this book!! You will understand him and why he acts the way he does so much better.

 

It is 100% NOT YOUR FAULT that you had a miscarriage. They estimate that up to 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. It's just that most of the time, the woman isn't even aware that she is pregnant yet when it happens. It's a random act of nature. And I am sorry you went through it, because I know how much that hurts. :(

 

Secondly, your husband is incredibly abusive. It's not even a gray area. Even though I know it hurts so bad to lose a much wanted baby, you should NOT continue trying to get pregnant. If you need time to make a plan to get away from your husband, I would even suggest secretly taking the pill until then. You think it is fun for him to treat YOU this way... wait until you have to watch him treat your child this way.

 

No. Just NO NO NO NO.

 

You need to run away from this.

 

Of course he is going to temper his insanity with kindness and love and sweetness. Because that's how they keep you there. Otherwise, you'd already be gone.

 

Many of the things he said to you were designed specifically to make you DOUBT yourself and trust him over yourself. Classic abuser.

 

Do not doubt yourself. You are smart and strong and you know what's up.

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I am so sorry for your loss. It is absolutely not your fault.

 

His is not a normal man's reaction - please consider the advice the others here have given. This was your hour of need and he did the opposite of what he should have done.

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I am trying to pretend that everything is ok. I don't want to give him a heads up but he can tell that I'm still not quite right.

 

He told me if I'm gonna leave him that I should give him a heads up. He says he has decisions to make about which new job to accept and he needs to know if he should consider me.

 

I wanted to scream. But I said of course. He says this constantly. "Maybe I shouldn't even think of you....when I make my decisions because you clearly don't understand reality".

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I am trying to pretend that everything is ok. I don't want to give him a heads up but he can tell that I'm still not quite right.

 

He told me if I'm gonna leave him that I should give him a heads up. He says he has decisions to make about which new job to accept and he needs to know if he should consider me.

 

I wanted to scream. But I said of course. He says this constantly. "Maybe I shouldn't even think of you....when I make my decisions because you clearly don't understand reality".

 

Are you a glutton for punishment? I mean, you stated in your OP that you want some sympathy and you've resigned yourself to staying with this man. If you can list 20,000 horrible things he's done and said to you, then you already know you need to move on. People feeling sorry for you isn't going to make your situation better at the end of the day.

 

You need to see a doctor immediately. You don't even know if you're having a miscarriage for sure. Could be an ectopic pregnancy. As an expectant mother or just a person who doesn't have a death wish, getting medical help should be your main focus, not this abusive man who clearly doesn't care about you as a person in any way shape or form.

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Grab a cab and have the medical attend to your physical concern.

 

The communication style can be worked on thru counseling if you both so chose.

 

Wine thins the blood...how does that aid with the prognosis?

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Definitely don't give him a "heads up". He'll use that to clear out the bank account, destroy your things, make up stories about you, or other horrible things. The most dangerous time with an abusive man is when you are trying to leave.

 

When he is saying you "don't understand reality", you do realize he is saying that because that is what he wants you to believe, right?

 

Google "gaslighting" and tell me you don't see remarkable similarities to how your husband talks to you.

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I can't believe a medical doctor would say something so ignorant. The unfortunate truth is miscarriages are a common occurrence. I think the numbers are roughly 20% of healthy young females will miscarry. That's what the doctor said when my ex miscarried.

 

I'll never forget the day I was in the doctor's office with her. I'll never forget the pain, and I couldn't even imagine what she was feeling. I'm so sorry. The statements he made are inexcusable.

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