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Why do some women overlook getting hit?


ChamomileWind

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ChamomileWind

This is what I'm noticing when it comes to the first time they get hit by a bf or husband, all of those women then tried to use reasoning to this by thinking along the lines of "maybe I shouldn't have said horrible things'' or ''maybe I was nagging too much", etc.

 

 

I guess a bf or husband hitting to them must not be one of the worst things for them to experience, the feeling of fear and that look in his eyes as he's already showing he's capable of hurting you and doesn't care about your safety nor health. He already failed his quality in making sure his gf or wife feels protected.

 

 

How can they love someone they have to fear even for 1 second? Even worst, how can they still have empathy for them and even blame themselves? For me, in a relationship or marriage.... cheating or abuse would be my absolute ''get the heck out of my life forever'' deal breakers and I would blame him 100% if he does either of them. My level of empathy would be slim like 0.000001 for him.

Edited by ChamomileWind
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I agree with you. To me this would be the complete dealbreaker and there would be nothing they could say to make up for it. Some women have low self worth and will accept this.

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Depends on the woman. In some, the nurturing instinct overpowers their sense of right and wrong and self-protection. In others, they were socialized with violence as a part of what they processed as love so it's normal to them. IME, having dated some abuse victims and being married to one, it's usually a combination of factors.

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Quiet Storm

Our upbringing plays a huge part in tolerating abuse. If, as children, we witness abuse or experience abuse or neglect, our minds often minimize it. It's how a young mind copes with bad things they have no control over.

 

If our original family was dysfunctional or addicted, they told us they loved us and gave us hugs and kisses one day, and ignored us, screamed at us or hit us the next day. This environment starts to feel normal and negative thoughts are excused away, because that's what helps children handle it. They aren't able to cope with the truth yet, so their young minds help them detach using denial and rationalization.

 

This pattern holds true and and as adults, the women often think, "Yes, he's abusive. But he loves me and doesn't mean it." In other words- just like mom loved her even when she was drunk and mean, and just like dad still loved her when he hit her. Those same feelings and emotions resurface, even though decades have gone by and the relationships are completely different.

 

The ways our minds cope help a child stay sane until they reach adulthood, but these same coping mechanisms can cause adults to tolerate and accept unacceptable situations.

Edited by Quiet Storm
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Even at my advanced age, I'm still amazed at how childhood tapes replay. Fortunately, I have essentially none relative to my FOO but plenty relative to the big bad world as a juvenile. Interesting stuff. So, so glad I didn't grow up in an abusive home. Seeing some of that elsewhere (in other homes) as a young person mortified me, hence my empathy for my now exW.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Nikki Sahagin

Although I've never been hit, I do actually understand why women stay. I never used to.

 

* They fear they won't find another partner and they so desperately want to be loved or have someone to love

* Co-dependence

* Blinded by love for partner - want to save/fix him

* Low self-esteem and insecurity

* History of depression/anxiety

* Love addiction

* Fear of being alone or starting over

* Dependency on partner for money/home/perhaps they moved to a new country and are afraid to start over

* Attitude of 'better the devil you know'

* Ties to partner i.e. long history or kids

* Desire to nurture partner

* A hope the partner will change

* Eroded self-esteem over time i.e. burning frog syndrome - the idea that if abuse occurs slowly, the victim suddenly finds themselves in too deep and doesn't know what to do

 

So many reasons.

 

It takes strong self-esteem to walk away from someone you love when they do something you disagree with. These women need A LOT of support and strength from others whilst they work on getting out.

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Hope Shimmers

It's interesting that some people think that getting hit is worse than other abuse that can happen in a marriage. It's conditioned that way, I would guess because it's a lot more objective.

 

In my marriage of 15 years (which I left 7 years ago) he was very emotionally and verbally abusive the whole time. My family and friends saw it and although I did too, I stayed because I wanted an intact family (came from one and it was important to me) and because after years of it I came to wonder if it was me and not him (now I know that was gaslighting). I only left when it became physical with him hitting me, and rape. It's sad that it took that for me to realize it, but at least I did leave.

 

It's not easy.

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It's because the abuser grooms her to take the abuse. Anybody could get abused and trapped if targeted. It so happens that people from bad families are more often convenient targets, but that doesn't mean if an abuser gets his hooks into a "normal", healthy, confident woman that he can't manipulate her into staying.

 

I would like to see people focus more on the abuser's behavior. Too often he misdirects focus onto her solely for the purpose of taking focus off of his own bad behavior so that he can avoid responsibility.

Edited by loveboid
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todreaminblue

SHE

 

 

 

fingertips as soft as wings of a butterfly

 

replaced by a fist that blackens both your eyes

 

lost in memories of long forgotten sighs,

replaced by how did this happen why did this happen and she cries,

 

who knows why a woman chooses to stay,

finds it impossible to go her own way,

 

i think what is more curious than curious be,

is how ultimate blame is shifted you see,

from a man who pretends he is something he is not,

and about love has seem to live and let die and forgot,

that to hurt a woman is never ok and not,

the way to treat a daughter of god

 

when love is about fingertips soft as wings on a butterfly,

love is about not fists that blacken both her eyes,

trapped in memories is she of long forgotten sighs,

 

how did this happen why did this happen there has to be a reason says she,

just maybe after all, i deserved it , i chased him when i should have let him be,

 

i talked back, i should have said not a word,

for where is my placeit is to be seen and not heard,

and then fingertips replace the fist and soothe a troubled heart,

ahh this is why i stayed he loves me and i always loved him from the start....

 

he said sorry he must mean it who am i not to give him a chance,

i signed on for this tango i started this dance

maybe he deserves one he didnt really mean to blacken both my eyes..

he was so gentle when he said sorry and he even shed a tear and cried

 

he shows me such a gentle heart,

and now we are back at a new beginning waiting for that storm to brew and start...deborah

 

 

takes apparently seven times of abusive behavior for a woman to leave an abusive partner these women do not have self esteem problems ....they are often proud woman who hide their abuse that they have to handle..until of course people who love them put two and two together and visualize the abuse first hand and convince them to leave......a lot of silence on abuse victims is shame they feel.....

 

i believe what is more important than shaming a woman for staying or questioning is to blame the man who touches her in the first place...validate her as a person...lay that blame and shame at his or their feet not hers....for manipulation on a hurt and vulnerable woman or women.....the man is responsible for what he does.....more so than who he has made vulnerable and confused.......deb

Edited by todreaminblue
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