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Was it abuse or just mismatch


janetl

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It has been 8 years since I left my marriage. I was not happy in the marriage and I never thought of it as abusive. My family knew about the issues we had; because they were obvious: arguments, disagreements and his dominating nature. But nobody knows the details.

 

I recently had an EA with a married man; it is over now. The reason I said this is that for the first time in my life I told this man of what I went through in my marriage. I opened up to him like to no one before. And it was still may be just scratching the surface. He said to me that your husband was abusive and you should just call him so and get over it.

 

I have never been able to tell if it was abuse or just a bad relationship. I don't know if it matters any more after so long until my exAP said this to me.

 

Was it abuse if I consented to having sex even if I did not want to only to not upset him? Is it abuse if I thought he understood that I did not want sex and still coaxed me? On the other hand, I never really felt like having sex with him, like really from inner desire. So did I abuse him by denying sex repeatedly over a long period (even if he often ignored my lack of desire and had his way anyway)?

 

It has been so long since I left. He is married again and has two kids. If he was abusive to me; then how come he is happily married now? How come his second wife with two kids is still with him? Why did I feel so hurt and suffocated?

Edited by janetl
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Yes, the things you describe are considered abuse. How do you know that is current marriage is good? They may just put on a good act like a lot of people do. And just because she stays doesn't mean anything. Lots of people do this, especially when kids are involved.

 

I'm sorry you went through that. The reason it still bothers you is because he made you feel so bad and unloved. When someone treats another person the way he treated you, it's never about you. It's about him and his insecurities and mean nature. I'm glad you're no longer with him. I think a lot of people get involved in affairs because it's a safe way to be in a relationship without the risk of being trapped.

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Thank you for reply.

 

It's just so sad that people put up with abusive, let alone unhappy marriages for the sake of children!! Something is screwed with this institution. The fact that after 8 years I still question if it was really abuse or not...

 

Anyway!

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