Missymay Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 It's going to sound cliche but this is the first time he has put his hands on me in our year plus together. Usually if we argue which isn't that often; he walks out or ignores me or one of us calms down and the situation can be addressed in a calm manner. But this time violence was the result of an argument over keys. My bf came over to see me and parking around my house means by 8am we need to go move the car. When the alarm went off we debated about who's turn it was to move the car he got upset and said he was going to go home. He went into the bathroom to shower and I went to move the car because I knew the car would get a ticket before he was done in there. When I came back angry I threw the contents of my hands on the floor and the car keys fell under the bed. he got out the shower, got dressed and demanded for his keys. At first I ignored him but then he poured a cup of water on me. I got out of bed changed clothes stated to him I dropped it on the floor and he should look for it himself as the level of disrespect I felt over the water was too much. he barely looked before pulling the quilt off and dragging me out of bed, when I got back in bed he pinned me down to the bed painfully and demanded for the keys. When that didn't work he began knocking stuff to the ground and taking clothes out of my wardrobe and bags and dumping them on the floor when I smacked his back as I tried to grab his jacket to stop him he swung round pushed me on the bed and punched me in the eye. I screamed of pain and he let go of me I was furious but I didn't retaliate. He physically looked remorseful and his anger was dialled down a great deal, instead he sat down and just verbally demanded his keys I called the police but then decided against it. I went outside the flat and when he followed I ran back in and locked the door. I looked under the bed retrieved the keys and opened the door after 30mins of leaving him outside. When he walked in I had been crying and he began to apologise and beg and trying to clean up; I gave him his keys and demanded he leave. After 20mins of begging and trying to fix my broken bed he finally left and I just broke down and wept. He called me multiple time after but I haven't really taken his calls. I've heard stories of bf really going to town on their girls does my situation constitute to real abuse??? Can I possibly forgive his actions?? What do I do?? The swelling on my eye just started to go down and I can now rejoin society but I'm still in so much emotional turmoil. What do I do?? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Darling this is about as abusive as it gets. I hope he is now your ex bf. He would pour water on you, drag you out of bed and punch you in the eye over some dang keys??? Are you f----- kidding me??? He is an abuser and I promise you if you take him back after this you will be telling him it is okay what he did to you. You shouldn't have held on to the keys for half an hour but gave them to him and locked the door and never let him back in again. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 If you stay you are saying it's okay. Is it okay? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 What you do is break up with him & never look back. If you do anything else it will happen again & again. Do you want that? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 He called me multiple time after but I haven't really taken his calls. Good. Please do not take his calls. Can I possibly forgive his actions?? Nope. What do I do?? You pack up any belongings of his that you may have and return them via a mutual friend. Go NO CONTACT. Forever. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Go NO CONTACT. Forever. One exception: if he doesn't go away, you call the cops & your last contact will be as you testify against him at his criminal trial. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Get pictures of your eye and the other damage he caused. And change your locks if he has his own key. Ignoring him might really get him angry so better safe than sorry. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 If you think this is the first time he's hit a woman, you are wrong. If you think he won't hit you again, you are wrong. He will hit you again and again until you have zero self-respect and self-esteem. Get help. Get away from this boy. Please leave and go somewhere safe. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 If you think this is the first time he's hit a woman, you are wrong. This is so true. A guy doesn't just give a woman a black eye with his fist and do all the other things he has done to you without this being a pattern. I pretty much can guarantee you are not the first one he has done this to. These type of abusers will cry, beg and plead for you to take them back with a promise they will never do it again, but they will. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 If you give him the chance, next time will be worse. DON'T GIVE HIM THAT CHANCE. He is pure poison. Don't let him anywhere near you. If he comes to your home, don't open the door and call the police immediately. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
WomenWubber Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Physical violence is the ultimate betrayal of trust. You shouldn't tolerate it unless you don't mind living in fear of getting pummeled or even killed. You should get away from him NOW as he is a threat to your physical well being. If that fails, you can call the police on him and get rid of him for good. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 neither should have harmed the other. neither of them are pure victims. Remove yourself from this environment, take some defense classes. I took self defense and if anyone came from behind there are maneuvers to curtail further contact. A lady would have picked up the dropped keys and a gentlemen would have left the room. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 (edited) Yes, it is real abuse. No, you should not forgive it. You need to leave right NOW. And call the police to report the punch in the eye. And also, in the future if someone starts being abusive and violent you should leave immediately and call the police. Not smack his back and try to 'grab his jacket to stop him'. Obviously it doesn't excuse him punching you in the eye, nothing does, but you are being very negligent with your own safety. And if you stay with him you are continuing to be negligent. Edited February 5, 2015 by Elswyth 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MelodyRye Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 (edited) What a horrible story. Both of you acted like children. "when I smacked his back as I tried to grab his jacket to stop him he swung round pushed me on the bed and punched me in the eye. " If I'm understanding things, you hit him first. Of course that doesn't excuse him for punching you, but I believe it is an important point. It seems that women feel that it's OK to hit a guy because they believe that a real man won't hit back. In my opinion it's wrong for either gender to hit the other.Nope, her bf started the physical aggression first by doing this: At first I ignored him but then he poured a cup of water on me. I got out of bed changed clothes stated to him I dropped it on the floor and he should look for it himself as the level of disrespect I felt over the water was too much. he barely looked before pulling the quilt off and dragging me out of bed, when I got back in bed he pinned me down to the bed painfully and demanded for the keys. So it's ok for a man to start the altercation by pouring a cup of water on his gf, drag her out of bed and pin her down aggressively (I would react in fear too if a bf did that to me suddenly and it wasn't a love touch)...but have the nerve to still be upset when she replies back? Sorry but it looks like in this case, the OP wasn't the main instigator. She sure didn't start all of the sudden smacking him out of nowhere. He had her trapped. What so called ''bf'' and man who claims to love his gf does all that on the bold and all over a stupid argument about keys??? Edited February 5, 2015 by MelodyRye 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Missymay Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 You pack up any belongings of his that you may have and return them via a mutual friend. Go NO CONTACT. Forever. To be honest he has more of my belongings than I do his and that will be his main leverage. We have no real mutual friends; predominantly friends loyal to either us who the other has begun to befriend for the sake of the relationship. I know he will not respond to my friends and His friends a fiercely loyal to him. I really don't want to play the victim trying to beg them to get my things or my money back for me. Also the car is in my name but he makes the payments and as I'm still in med school I can't afford to be paying that alone. These are not reasons to stay but reasons why he will try to get back in touch. I will go no contact but how long for before I need to have the conversation about all the above stated issues? Also if I tell my best friend about this he will be furious and it will all lead to a violent outburst between both parties and that scares me above all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Missymay Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 I also want to say a big thank you for all the replies, reading them has taken me away from a place of self blame and has strengthened my convictions. I haven't been able to tell friends about this situation at least not properly the ones who have come over against my wanting I have had to explain away the swollen face. But no man is an island to themselves I feel much better being able to be truthful about the situation here and to read all your opinions and advice. Again thank you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 I also want to say a big thank you for all the replies, reading them has taken me away from a place of self blame and has strengthened my convictions. I haven't been able to tell friends about this situation at least not properly the ones who have come over against my wanting I have had to explain away the swollen face. But no man is an island to themselves I feel much better being able to be truthful about the situation here and to read all your opinions and advice. Again thank you. Tell your friends, this is not your disgrace, you are not the one to blame here, you are the victim, do not feel ashamed. The key stuff was petty, BUT this was not a quick slap from a man who just lost it for a second. That would not be acceptable either, but it is far different from what you went through here. This was pouring water over you, trashing your stuff, pinning you down on the bed, pulling and pushing you and ultimately putting you down on the bed and punching you in the eye. Therefore I do not believe this is is the first time he has hit a woman. This may sound like a cliche BUT Abusers are often sooooo sorry, they tell you they love you, they tell you they will never do it again; in reality they do not love you, they actually want to control you, and they will abuse you time and time again. If you accept what he did and forgive him, you give him free reign to do it again. He will note your boundaries and because you didn't call the police, because you are ashamed and hide it from your friends, because you let him back into your bed and your life, the next time he decides you are "out of order" he will punch you again to get his own way and control the situation. Unless you want to be in a cycle of abuse, unless you want to continually walk on eggshells, unless you want to live in fear, then I suggest you end it now. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 he has more of my belongings the car is in my name but he makes the payments and as I'm still in med school I can't afford to be paying that alone. These are not reasons to stay but reasons why he will try to get back in touch. I will go no contact but how long for before I need to have the conversation about all the above stated issues? Please understand all your rationale about STUFF is lame. It is just *stuff* and in the grand scheme of your well-being and safety, 100% UNIMPORTANT. Stuff and money are the stupidest reasons to reconnect with an abuser. I know you can't see that now, but I wish you would trust us in that regard. Learn the mantra: "It Is Just Stuff." T.H.I.N.G.S. in your life will come and go. You can survive and rebuild without all the THINGS. Some of us (me included) have started over from scratch a number of times. Do I miss those "things?" Sure; but I am healthy, happy, and able to acquire more "stuff". There will also be more belongings to be acquired... 6 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Tell your friends/relatives and they can go pick up your "stuff" to avoid you getting into any confrontations with him. Leaving abusive people can be difficult, do not put yourself at risk here. He has shown his true colours, do not think leaving will be easy, he will try everything to stop you leaving and if begging and crying doesn't work, then more violence may. Be warned. Keep safe. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 By all means do what you must do but next time give someone the keys when they ask first, don't play stupid games about how it 'fell under the bed' and how he should look for it. You should have given him the keys when he poured the water over you then thought about your options afterwards (ie leaving him). Why provoke someone already very angry with passive aggressive stuff? Not smart. And before anyone says, no I'm not victim blaming or saying this is all the OP's fault. I just think allowing a bad situation to escalate isn't the smart thing to do. You need to learn how to handle conflict OP so that you don't put yourself in danger in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
regine_phalange Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 He showed who he really is... How do you call someone who hits women? A loser and a coward, certainly. Don't be ashamed to talk about it to your family and friends. It's required that you talk about it. Aggressors usually pick women who tend to have self-doubt, and feel guilty, and are easily ashamed. Women who are more likely to keep their mouth shut. Don't be that woman. Leave your belongings in his house if you need to. I left all my clothes and shoes to an ex's house some years ago and I don't regret it to this day. And for the car, hire an attorney to represent you and take care of it. It's worth it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 No doubt he will be back to declare his love, apologise, and promise to change. Some people call it the 're-seduction' phase of the abuse cycle. Do not allow him to do that. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 By all means do what you must do but next time give someone the keys when they ask first, don't play stupid games about how it 'fell under the bed' and how he should look for it. You should have given him the keys when he poured the water over you then thought about your options afterwards (ie leaving him). Why provoke someone already very angry with passive aggressive stuff? Not smart. And before anyone says, no I'm not victim blaming or saying this is all the OP's fault. I just think allowing a bad situation to escalate isn't the smart thing to do. You need to learn how to handle conflict OP so that you don't put yourself in danger in the future. I think you ARE actually victim blaming. She provoked him to show her annoyance which she is entitled to do. Petty yes, childish yes. BUT She thought she was in a normal relationship and though those in normal relationships can be petty and childish, they don't usually end up with a punch in the eye. And yes, she can spend her life walking on eggshells around him in order not to provoke him, but she is not the one with the real problem, is she? 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 By all means do what you must do but next time give someone the keys when they ask first, don't play stupid games about how it 'fell under the bed' and how he should look for it. You should have given him the keys when he poured the water over you then thought about your options afterwards (ie leaving him). Why provoke someone already very angry with passive aggressive stuff? Not smart. And before anyone says, no I'm not victim blaming or saying this is all the OP's fault. I just think allowing a bad situation to escalate isn't the smart thing to do. You need to learn how to handle conflict OP so that you don't put yourself in danger in the future. Emila, you are correct. Solid advisal . The OP needs to get to a safer area to reside and re-evaluate HER poor choices and behavior. As you stated, we are not in anyway siding with the "act" of physical harm, yet each side is responsible and accountable. Its absolutely being gleened over that this OP provoked and antagonized the scenario. I tend to think each side needs anger management classes... Sometimes the person will tone down their actions to make the other appear guilty. I think the Fellow may have a different story to tell.. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 You should report the assault so it goes on his record, other women need to be warned about him. Dump his abusive a$$ immediately, no man willing to punch a woman in the face should be allowed into your life. Change the locks on your doors in case he has a copy of your key. Go N/C get this POS out of your life because it can only escalate from here, find someone that will respect you. Even being alone is better than being with him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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