Jump to content

Disappointment and mind games


jdm90

Recommended Posts

We were together for over 2 years. I thought I had found my soul mate in this woman who was very charming and loving in the beginning. However, now, after doing some research and reflection, I see now maybe I was dating a sociopath/narcissist or that I might be one. Very confused but hoping for insight.

 

My name is Jessica, and over this past holiday, December 15th to be exact, I had a fight with my gf of over 2 years over hot chocolate which lead me to leaving as I felt the fight was too much and wanted her to realize what she was losing. I was left out in the cold in meth capital USA and had to call my parents for a place to stay (we were living together but she was paying the bills.) I did not hear from her for a while except when she called my mother the next day to say she gives up on me. I was in shock and did all sorts of crazy things and texting and calling to reconcile the relationship and also trying to get the rest of my belongings back which I needed badly. I pretty much made myself look like the fool and did not get any answers. I wish I did not do some of the things I did looking back.

 

After screwing up, I decided that if someone abandons me knowing I have abandonment issues, that I'm better off having NC. Since the break up, I had kept busy looking for work (I was changing careers) and getting certified and starting my business up and also working out. Of course I would still have hope in my mind that some inkling of her humanity would come out and she would decide to talk maturely about things since we did not get closure, I was still looking at her FB and of course her instagram and her family's instagram seeing that she didn't care about me and felt even more like crap because I felt I had cared and even if I broke up with someone, I would be mature and help them move on in some way. I decided no more and kept busy again with my new job as a property manager downtown while studying for my state cert. She was then contacting me at work bothering me and giving me mixed signals about still having feelings for me but hates me and then put me down and said that open communication was killing her all the while her excuse was that she wanted one stupid piece of mail and wanted to grab coffee to exchange mail. I said no need for coffee just mail it and I still being upset that she would even try after I had my **** at her house she had the nerve to ask me to go out of my way for a letter. So we ended the text on bad terms. I was invited by mutual friends to go to a house warming party in which her and her family were there. She of course was the loud self looking foolish, putting on a face and I had told my parents that I would ignore her, but they told me to be friendly and just say hi like nothing bothered me. It was very awkward to say the least because her parents had always looked down on me and my family because they felt they were better because they came from money (even though they lost it all because they were crooks and drug addicts, even doing hard drugs with their children.) I did not get a chance to be polite and it kind of ruined me because her mom is crazy as well and made a scene saying out loud we gotta go we gotta go blah blah blah. I decided to go and have fun regardless. I gave away her gift she gave me , went to her apartment and dropped off the letter in her mailbox (that she was begging me for so I could get her out of my life) and went to another party after for my friends bday.

 

I was hung over the next day and poured my heart out explaining that seeing her messed me up and that I still loved her but I'm so angry with her and the only way I'll speak to her is if she apologizes. I don't want to be friends with her. She texts my dad and tells him I'm harassing her--when she was the one reaching out to me for this letter saying you know my address and my number so drop off whatever. I was very hurt and confused that she would even lie about the situation to my own family. So I did NC again.

 

I saw on a mutual friends page that she's been having fun with other girls and leaving hurtful comments like, "Our new girlfriends are so much hotter than our old ones blah blah blah" and having a great time while I'm struggling trying to be a better person and focusing on myself. At times I feel extremely lonely and wonder when the games will stop because I feel like I come from a true hurt where I invested a lot of my emotion and time for a girl who I had been complaining about not caring for me. Seemed like I was the only one who had issues to work on and when my needs weren't getting met, it pushed her further into disinterest. After that fiasco, I completely blocked her from every social media, my phone, unfollowed mutual friends, asked her dad to have her stop contacting me and my family and disrespecting my parents (by texting my dad while he's working) and buried myself deeper into work and networking parties. She emailed me 2 days ago in the morning saying that she's been calling me bc she had a nightmare about me and still loves and cares and misses me and called me "boo boo" again and saying how she does so much from a distance for me. I did not respond to her and forwarded the email to my dad. The next day she blew up my dads phone while he was at work and he could not focus because she kept texting and telling him I'm harassing her? Clearly she is lying to both sides and becoming this monster I don't recognize. I've just had it.

 

She blamed me for a lot of things when I gave her the freedom to be who she wanted, encouraged her to hang out with her friends (whom she puts down behind their backs,) and all I asked for in return was love and affection. She is now rekindling those friendships and making it seem as though I was the reason for her disconnect etc.

 

I'm tired of the games. I don't want to stoop down to her level and use people to feel better. I'm trying to work on myself and allow myself to grief and learn from this. My parents keep telling me she's playing games and ignore her because if she really loved me, she would want to see me in person and talk. Her house is not that far from mine and they've seen me go through hoops for this girl who wouldn't even do something small for me. I'm being strong keeping with NC and waiting for her to be an adult and talk maturely about things. I just don't trust her anymore even though I still love her. Does anyone have advice on getting out of this funk and feeling whole again? I've lost quite a lot of friends bc of this relationship and I do take blame for what happened. I'm trying to meet new people but I'm afraid that my negative experience (that feels like trauma) is going to turn people off. I'm trying to stay strong by moving up--new career, new car, new apt, working out. But somehow still feel like I'm lacking because I'm a fixer. And since this isn't panning out the way I want it, I feel as though it's my fault and I'm having a difficult time moving on and learning to trust because I feel that even still I'm being lied to or that I'm not good enough. I'm always seeking to be a better person, the person I envision myself to be, sometimes I feel like I try too hard and I'm eager to please and it comes off as weak and I get taken advantage of.

 

Any advice is welcome, especially what to do in my situation. I don't want to feel bad for myself anymore, I want to be stronger, more compassionate, do positive things for myself, trust that there's good people out there, and be the fun person I know I am. Not this serious, emotional, quiet person who works all the time.

 

Thank you,

 

J

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...