Getting weaker

[Jewels7]

I'm getting weaker. Almost 8 months post BU. (If you want to know backstory I posted it under this section "is he abusivr and why do I want to go back?") he is blocked from social media, doesn't know my number. He had created about 5 facebooks to get in contact with me over the past 7 months. Last night if he managed to contact me to meet him I finally would have. In fact I was hoping he would contact me. I keep wondering what if he was my one true love and why can't I get over him?! I start wondering if he really could be considered abusive. I guess I'm building him up more in my head as time passes. It has been several weeks since I heard from his last (he begged for a second chance, apologized, told me he would marry me tomorrow etc. when I said no about a week and a half later he told me he met someone and that I pushed him away to someone else, etc) that still hurts. It is like I want to go back to him yet my family would be so angry and I would probably lose some friends. Everyone but me thinks I'm too good for him. When will I ever quit loving him and being tempted by him?! Also how do I get over the thought of him being with someone else?! Everyone talked me into signing up for online dating (just to meet people not necessarily to find "the one") and I did and kind of regret it. I mean I'm talking to some super nice guys but just don't know if I'll ever be ready.

[jellybean89]

Abusers lie. Let him go. It's not love. People who love each other do not say hateful things and treat their partner bad. Find a counselor

Edited January 4, 2015 by jellybean89

[StalwartMind]

I don't know how true this may be to someone who has experienced an abusive relationship, but I can imagine that it would be pretty close to the following. Basically when people are abusive to others, they feel a sort of satisfactory from seeing their "power" being enhanced when others suffer from their viciousness. The purpose is to break others down to the point where they become weak and can do nothing but to submit and declare defeat.

 

It is this sort of control that lingers and still has a grip on your mentality and well being. Quite like jellybean89 said, people that love each other do not say hateful things, be it friends, family or partners. I understand that in one's upset you can end up calling or accusing someone of something that you then later regret, but there is a pretty clear difference between things and it's all quite specific to each situation.

 

You'll be ready again at one point when you feel you are ready. Don't force yourself into thinking that there is a sort of time pressure, because that's just another consequence of a bad experience + others wanting you to move on at a pace that may not even suit you. Take your time and process your feelings, seek professional help if you get stuck and think it's needed.

[M30USA]

I don't know how true this may be to someone who has experienced an abusive relationship, but I can imagine that it would be pretty close to the following. Basically when people are abusive to others, they feel a sort of satisfactory from seeing their "power" being enhanced when others suffer from their viciousness. The purpose is to break others down to the point where they become weak and can do nothing but to submit and declare defeat.

 

This.

 

When my ex-wife destroyed my prized guitar (handed down to me from my parents), she actually had a smirk on her face when she saw my reaction. That was my first hint that I was dealing with a disturbed person. Do people make mistakes? Sure. Do people slip up and hurt each other? Sure. But there's a difference between hurting someone and drawing satisfaction from it. The latter suggests they are motivated BY hurting you.

Edited January 4, 2015 by M30USA

[bathtub-row]

He's controlling you again by saying things you want to hear (I'll marry you right now), and by telling you things that will make you feel desperate (I'm dating someone new -- and it's your fault). Don't ignore how he put that on you. I'm sure that, as far as he's concerned, it's not even his fault that he was abusive and the relationship ended.

 

When are you going to see these games for what they are? He's a jerk and a user and a manipulator. Don't be flattered that he found a way to contact you. THEY ALL DO THIS. They all use the same playbook. He's also playing on your ego by seeking you out again and by telling you he's with someone new. Your answer to him should be that if he's with someone else, then you wish him the best. That's how you deflate his big, fat ego.

 

Someday, you'll understand why your family hates him so much and why they KNOW he's not good enough for you. Thank God they've done their job by at least making you aware that they will be seriously pissed if you go back to him.

 

Ask yourself -- do you really think the love of your life would cause you so much pain? Do you think he'd tell you that he wants to marry you and then a week or two later tell you he's moved on? This guy is a psycho and you're entrapped in something so unhealthy that you can't even see it.

 

Btw, I think dating others is a very bad idea. You need to get comfortable with being on your own and you need to figure out how to be less naive and gullable where men are concerned. If you don't, you're going to end up with another loser like this one, and think he's the next love of your life.

[Satu]

Last night if he managed to contact me to meet him I finally would have.

 

It's not actually him you miss and feel the need for.

 

What you really miss, and feel the need for, is the feeling of being loved and having someone you can love in return.

 

You absolutely can have that.

 

But not with him.

 

He's just the person who is blocking your path to finding the true love that you want and deserve.

[Jewels7]

Thank you everyone. I think it was partly the holidays that had me down, because now that they're over I'm feeling better. I'm also staying away from FB for a while and it's helping.

 

M30USA - I would see the same smirk on his face during arguments when he knew I was really frustrated and felt like I was going crazy. I watched when he would argue with his sister and she would start getting frustrated and once again I saw the smirk.

 

Bathtub - yes yes yes you are so right about everything.

 

When it comes to men I am definitely naive and way too trusting. Also, no one has ever ever made me feel as crazy and upset as my ex did and still does. One thing I'm really scared of is getting in the same type of relationship. That's how I got with my ex in the first place. I was engaged and when he broke it off my ex came in to save the day pretty much and flattered me and told me everything I wanted to hear. I still wonder where my best friend went, where the person I fell in love went, but I do deep down understand that is who he wanted me to see because he knew the truth about him would have probably scared me off a long time ago. I did see a counselor for a while, but maybe I should go back until he is completely out of my system.

[Jewels7]

And Stalwart - thank you. I did feel like I should be over this by now (I guess because everyone thinks I should)

 

I tell some of my friends I don't think I should be dating and they all say yes I should because that's how I'll get over my ex (by meeting a nice guy).

 

Thanks Satu for the vote of confidence. I can't meet the right guy with him blocking my way.

[bathtub-row]

One perfect gauge for any future guy in your life is to introduce him to your family and friends -- very early on. If he doesn't get the stamp of approval from them, drop him like a hot cake. No one in my family, and very few of my friends, liked my ex. I could've saved myself years of heartache from the very beginning if I had understood just how significant that was.

 

I highly recommend a book that can really open your eyes to the kind of person your ex really is. It's entitled "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. It's the absolute best book I've ever read on abuse. Not only can it open your eyes to your ex, it can keep you from ever making that mistake again. I can spot an abusive guy from a mile away. I have few worries about ever getting involved with another one.

[Jewels7]

Update:

 

Well he made FB account #5? 6? And sent me a message. I was actually trying to stay off of FB but wasn't thinking and clicked on a link which led me to it and bam. There's a message from him. I don't know why he sent it. He said he wanted to apologize about him saying harsh stuff the last time we talked but he added "even though it was the truth. Sometimes you just shouldn't tell someone the truth to keep from hurting them." I actually don't know why he said in the last message because he I deleted it without reading it. I figured it would have said he slept with someone else because he knows that would hurt me. But then he also said other stuff like what I felt for him wasn't real, and that he's just forgettable, that people only call them when they need help with something and then forget him until they need help again. he said he was self destructive when I first left and that when you get hurt you vent and he did a lot of things he isn't proud of instead of "running to mommy and daddy" (I had to move back home after the BU at 27). I just don't get it. I don't understand his ramblings and why he is doing this and why he didn't just leave me alone. What is the point?! He claimed he was sorry but in the same message said hurtful things that weren't true (that my ex ruined me essentially and that I didn't and couldn't love)

[seekingpeaceinlove]

He is manipulative, emotionally unstable and doing/saying everything he can to get some sort of a response out of you. Everything he is saying and doing (positive or not) is for himself and not bc he cares about you. If he really cared, he would be respecting your boundaries and certainly not lashing out at you. DO NOT respond to him in any way shape or form.

 

If he knows that he hurt you, he will feel empowered knowing that he can still affect you.

 

STAY STRONG and keep NC.

 

Update:

 

Well he made FB account #5? 6? And sent me a message. I was actually trying to stay off of FB but wasn't thinking and clicked on a link which led me to it and bam. There's a message from him. I don't know why he sent it. He said he wanted to apologize about him saying harsh stuff the last time we talked but he added "even though it was the truth. Sometimes you just shouldn't tell someone the truth to keep from hurting them." I actually don't know why he said in the last message because he I deleted it without reading it. I figured it would have said he slept with someone else because he knows that would hurt me. But then he also said other stuff like what I felt for him wasn't real, and that he's just forgettable, that people only call them when they need help with something and then forget him until they need help again. he said he was self destructive when I first left and that when you get hurt you vent and he did a lot of things he isn't proud of instead of "running to mommy and daddy" (I had to move back home after the BU at 27). I just don't get it. I don't understand his ramblings and why he is doing this and why he didn't just leave me alone. What is the point?! He claimed he was sorry but in the same message said hurtful things that weren't true (that my ex ruined me essentially and that I didn't and couldn't love)

[me85]

I'm sorry. I can relate to what you're going through. Abusive RSs are extremely hard to get past. We go through so much emotionally that it seems impossible to ever overcome.

 

Maybe it's time to get into therapy.

 

I promise one day the thought "What was I thinking?!!" will you hit you like a ton of bricks and you'll realize how much better off you are without him.

 

If you're still hung up on him then don't avoid thinking about him being with another woman. Think about it until it makes you sick. Think about all the physical stuff he could be doing & likely is doing with another woman. Get mad about it. Get mad at yourself. Not too mad though because that's just as unhealthy.

[Zahara]

Update:

 

Well he made FB account #5? 6? And sent me a message. I was actually trying to stay off of FB but wasn't thinking and clicked on a link which led me to it and bam. There's a message from him. I don't know why he sent it. He said he wanted to apologize about him saying harsh stuff the last time we talked but he added "even though it was the truth. Sometimes you just shouldn't tell someone the truth to keep from hurting them." I actually don't know why he said in the last message because he I deleted it without reading it. I figured it would have said he slept with someone else because he knows that would hurt me. But then he also said other stuff like what I felt for him wasn't real, and that he's just forgettable, that people only call them when they need help with something and then forget him until they need help again. he said he was self destructive when I first left and that when you get hurt you vent and he did a lot of things he isn't proud of instead of "running to mommy and daddy" (I had to move back home after the BU at 27). I just don't get it. I don't understand his ramblings and why he is doing this and why he didn't just leave me alone. What is the point?! He claimed he was sorry but in the same message said hurtful things that weren't true (that my ex ruined me essentially and that I didn't and couldn't love)

 

Abusers gaslight. It is inflicted to cause the victim to doubt themselves and their reality. It is inflicted to cause guilt and to make the victim become accountable for the abuser's actions. The victim then sits there and starts to question their own judgment and soon enough one starts to slowly take responsibility. They feel bad and guilty, often feeling like they were the ones that were at fault, soon enough they chose to take the abuser back and the cycle resumes.

 

They don't leave you alone because to them you are what gives them control. If they controlled you once, they will revisit you again. It has nothing to do with love or care. It has everything to do with sustaining their need to have you in the palm of their hand.

 

I hope you stay NC and you keep moving forward. Please stay away from social media, seeing how he is trying his best to crack his way into your life -- shut any door that you believe he can get through.