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I hit my girlfriend


RDawg

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Hi

 

I am struggling to come to terms with something I did and I’m looking for some insight.

 

Two and a half months ago I punched my girlfriend in the face. Needless to say she left me. Apart from the trauma of the split I am having a very hard time coming to terms with what I did and trying to understand how I was capable of doing it and how to prevent it from happening in the future.

 

The story: I am 42 and she is 36. We were together for a total of two years and ten months. We bought a house together and moved in about a year ago.

 

I did not cope well with the pressures of the house, it required a lot of restoration and for the first four months I spent every spare moment working on the place. I put my life savings down as the deposit so I had a lot more invested in the place than what she did.

 

Anyway, we started clashing over decisions regarding the house and seemed unable to resolve our conflicts in a constructive manner. She started to withdraw form the relationship, became less communicative, less affectionate and more distant. I can see this in retrospect but did not pick up on it at the time.

 

We are both binge drinkers and would get drunk together with our friends pretty regularly when we were courting. When we moved in together my drinking pretty much stopped, I was too focused on the renovations to go out much and I’ve never been one to drink heavily at home.

 

Fast forward to about three months ago. My ex had been away for about 3 weeks on a job. When she returned a number of drinking incidents seemed to arise, the first one involved both of us and her friends, it was a very serious bender that left me in bed with a hangover the following day. The next week she went out with work colleagues on a Friday night and got drunk, I had to go pick her up because she was unable to drive, and the week after that she went to a work party and returned home quite inebriated. The next day, a Sunday, I went mountain biking in the morning. It was a beautiful spring day, when I got home my ex was painting cupboards, I got us sushi for lunch and all seemed good.

 

Later that day I went to a gathering at a friends house, I was in a good mood, I was invigorated by my ride that morning and I was enjoying being with my mates. One beer followed the next and eventually we moved off to a bar and got stuck into the spirits. I blacked out at some stage but I can remember getting back to my friends place and becoming aggressive because he wouldn’t let me drive home. Instead he called my girlfriend who came to pick me up. On the drive home I lashed out at her – I hit her in the side of her face with my fist. We were not arguing, apparently she said “you’re not going t make it to work tomorrow” and I hit her. When we got home she took her dogs and bolted to her parent’s house. It was around 1 in the morning. The next morning I phoned her and she told me what I had done.

 

I have been sober since the incident and I will never drink spirits again. What is bothering me is that I have never considered myself a violent person. I have never played violent sports, never been in fights or ever hit anyone before in my life. I was involved with an abusive woman some years back who used to slap me but I never retaliated. I cannot even watch violent TV programs or movies.

 

Something snapped in me that night but I am totally baffled by it. In retrospect our floundering relationship must have been causing me tension but I wasn’t conscious of it, I was just going on as best I could.

 

In our discussions since the breakup my ex admitted that she had been unhappy for some time and was considering breaking up with me long before the incident. Naturally I wish she had spoken to me but intimacy and communication were not her strong points.

 

I cannot afford therapy at the moment but the way I feel now I cannot trust myself to ever be in a relationship again..

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Well, at least you understand that drinking is a big part of your problem. When things settle down, perhaps you can get some anger management.

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My first guess is that you never had to face disruptive situations growing up, never learned better coping skills, never had to corral your feelings before.

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My uncle is a cop and he told me once that in every domestic violence call he has ever been to the people or the abuser had been drinking.

If you had someone lash out at you in a relationship before, you might be acting out the experience of that by hitting someone else when you are intoxicated. I would visit a AA meeting to see if that might be something that would help you as alcoholism is still the same whether or not you are drinking alcohol or not. They might be able to help you.

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Thank you for your replies.

 

@ jan_may: we were together for two years before buying the house. Do you still think this was too short a time before taking this step? What is an appropriate time for a couple to be together before persuing their dream of owning a place and starting a family?

 

The more I think about what happened the more I realise how important it is to take the time to reflect on where one is at, to assess how one is feeling and how things are going in one's life. So often we lose ourselves in the business of living that we do not realise that there are issues brewing just below the surface.

 

Since the breakup I have had no inclination to drink and in a way I am relieved to be free of this woman who was always trying to encourage me to join her on binges. Before I met her I never had this problem but I started to drink in order to fit in with her social circle. She works in the movie industry and it seems that alcohol and drug abuse is the norm for these people.

 

One of the red flags I ignored is that she is an atheist. I compromised my beliefs to be with her, stopped going to church and broke ties with my family because they did not approve of the relationship. Since the incident I have reconnected with my family and my faith and it has been very comforting to have the support of people I can trust.

 

I have managed to rent one of the rooms in our house and will use this money to see a therapist so I can try and get to the bottom of this. I am finding it very difficult to understand how I could have done something which is at odds with everything I believe in.

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It's good you don't want to drink again.

 

Blacking out, trying to drive home drunk, hitting your girlfriend and things like that are signs of alcoholism. If it's affecting your relationships and causing you to do stupid things, it's a serious problem, probably more than you realize.

 

I know this, because I did that too. I did incredibly stupid things, and were in denial that I was an alcoholic because I didn't drink everyday or go on binges. But when I drank, I never stopped at just a couple of drinks and did a lot of things I'm not proud of. I started dating a cop and he helped me realize this. We're not together anymore (for different reasons) but I am so grateful he got me to see this and encouraged me to get help.

 

You can find some help through AA, or through a counsellor on a sliding scale (you pay according to your income- as a student, I pay $5 per visit). I stopped drinking entirely for almost two years, but eventually returned to drinking again socially but very responsibly now.

 

I also drifted away from toxic people, who did nothing but drink and do drugs.. this helped me recover also. BUT, I never blamed anyone else for my choices to drink and to do stupid things. You shouldn't be looking to other people for the reasons why you did those things.. that was your choices.

 

Hopefully, you've learned from it, and the best you can do now is take what you've learned and move on.

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Thank you for your replies.

 

@ jan_may: we were together for two years before buying the house. Do you still think this was too short a time before taking this step? What is an appropriate time for a couple to be together before persuing their dream of owning a place and starting a family?

 

The more I think about what happened the more I realise how important it is to take the time to reflect on where one is at, to assess how one is feeling and how things are going in one's life. So often we lose ourselves in the business of living that we do not realise that there are issues brewing just below the surface.

 

Since the breakup I have had no inclination to drink and in a way I am relieved to be free of this woman who was always trying to encourage me to join her on binges. Before I met her I never had this problem but I started to drink in order to fit in with her social circle. She works in the movie industry and it seems that alcohol and drug abuse is the norm for these people.

 

One of the red flags I ignored is that she is an atheist. I compromised my beliefs to be with her, stopped going to church and broke ties with my family because they did not approve of the relationship. Since the incident I have reconnected with my family and my faith and it has been very comforting to have the support of people I can trust. […]

 

 

Dude. Srsly?

 

She wasn't even with you when you were getting drunk out of your mind!

 

And, while you may have just have been going off on a (weird) tangent, it SOUNDS like you're trying to bring religion into this. To what point exactly? Are you suggesting that you wouldn't have hit her had she been religious?

 

Unless you have lied about your blackout, your hitting her has very little to do with the state of your relationship, and everything to do with you.

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Thank you for your replies.

 

I take full responsibility for what I did and I am well aware of the damage I have caused to my ex, her family, to myself and my family.

 

My ex and I have spent a lot of time discussing our failed relationship and we both acknowledge that lack of communication and alcohol abuse were major factors in contributing to its demise.

 

I have made an appointment to see a therapist next week. I have to be honest and acknowledge that I have unresolved issues from previous relationships that still plague me. When I was in my early thirties I was living with a partner who is bipolar. After four years together she had a major psychotic episode. I spent another year with her, she was in and out of mental hospitals and never seemed to get better so I left her. I think I feel a lot of guilt still about that.

 

I will let my therapist guide me on the alcohol issue, I would like to think that I am capable of drinking responsibly again but maybe it is just safer to never touch the stuff in future.

 

I don't think this would have happened had I not been drunk. I know it is not an excuse because I was the one who chose to drink that day.

 

Man, this has really messed me up.

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Maybe. Right now, drinking is not a option for you because it's acting like a crutch for you.

 

Uh, a lot of people stay sober for the rest of their lives because they KNOW they can't handle having JUST one drink, or can't handle not drinking everyday. That first drink is always the trigger, and like smoking, you quit for good. So you should probably treat that as such until you get a handle on things. It took me a while to figure that out, whether that first drink was going to lead me down that road again. It wasn't until two years later I felt confident that I could drink responsibility, but I still treat myself as an alcoholic so I'm super careful.

 

I'm glad you've made plans to get to the bottom of things, you definitely should bring up your previous relationships with your therapist. There is a pattern of you dating people who have those problems, so it sort of ties things in. You're basically with them because you share that in common.. a lot of people don't realize this but it's true. If you can recognize that, you can break that cycle with the help from your therapist. Hopefully, you'll be in better shape to deal with people, once you've figure out why you feel guilty about ending your last relationship. That's another big one, you can't have that weighing you down for the rest of your life.

 

Seriously consider checking AA out and hear what people have to say there, I guarantee you're not alone in this.

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Something I read about the people we attract that I thought is very true: you will only ever attract someone who is on the same emotional level as you: you will both be equally broken and equally healed.

 

When I started dating my ex she was seeing a therapist for depression. I think she was at a low point in her life. During the time we were together she got better and stronger and I just kinda stayed the same, just me.

 

Even now she is strong. Very disappointed that I was not the "one" but she is over the trauma of the incident and moving on with her life and I am stuck in misery.

 

Man I was stupid not to see this coming. She treated me badly and I just ignored it, I should have spoken to her: "How are we doing, what is working, what isn't, are you happy, what needs to change?"

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People do stupid things when they get black out drunk.

 

You wanted to drive yourself home, meaning you didn't even hold yourself in high regard.

 

Your friends wouldn't let you then she told you that you aren't going to work and everybody telling you what to do probably pissed you off. If she told you what to do first and then your friends told you what to do after that you probably would have hit one of them instead.

 

I'm with the previous poster who said you were both equally sick. It's really good to get rid of people who hold us back from growth. Drinking to excess often is no way to get ahead in life.

 

I think that whole night is just a blessing in disguise.

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ughhhhh.. You sound truly remourceful, but christ man! I dunno how you could ever want to do that to someone you love.

 

Take it as a learning experience I guess, I'm sure you know that this relationship is over.

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I know you're saying the words "I take full responsibility" but I still see you blaming her for your behavior:

 

"She encouraged me to drink."

"She's an atheist and that's why I quit the church and stopped talking to my family."

"She was drinking a lot prior to the incident." (Doesn't seem relevant, unless you were trying to illustrate how she was part of your problem?)

"She treated me badly and I should have seen this coming."

 

 

I think you're ignoring some of your own feelings by blaming her or other people. You can't do that if you're honestly trying to figure out why you did what you did. No one else made you act that way.

 

And just in case you still try to convince yourself that your ex was the entire reason for your violence, what about you getting aggressive with your friend who was trying to look out for you? He didn't make you quit church or drink so much you blacked out. Obviously you're not holding him accountable for your actions. So why are you holding your girlfriend accountable?

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maiden of rohan

First up, you need to stop claiming you take full responsibility and then applying a "but" to it. Nothing she did caused you to ball up your fist, and punch her in the face. NOTHING. Understand that, and understand your actions are your own.

 

Second, you need to work on your drinking problems. Not just because it caused you to hit a woman in the face, but because one day, it's going to cause even bigger problems for you.

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RDawg, you are still a long way from owning your behavior. As several others have pointed out, you are still blaming your ex and others in your life.

 

I sympathize with your position. It must be scary to realize that you've done something so horrible as hit your girlfriend in the face, especially on slight/nonexistent provocation. I believe you when you say you had no conscious, deliberate intent to hit her. Nevertheless, you did hit her. That behavior came from a source within you and you clearly don't control it or understand it or even really acknowledge it honestly. You need to get that behavior under control and also address it at its core.

 

You have a very scary, destructive problem and so you're reaching for:

 

1) Excuses (like blaming your gf for "making" you punch her)

 

2) Easy "fixes", like "family and "religion" - sounds good on paper but if your religious family keeps enforcing the nonsensical excuses about how a real Christian woman would not have driven you to violence, then they are a part of the problem

 

Excuses and easy "fixes" that point at external factors as causing your behavior will never solve your problem. They're like paint and spackle on top of rotting wood.

 

I recommend The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns. It has practical solutions for your situation.

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I don't know if I am looking for excuses as much as trying to put what I did into context. I might also be reframing the relationship and my ex in a negative light in order to come to terms with the break up.

 

I believe that there were external factors causing me stress and that I did not acknowledge the stress so I did not address it.

 

I must have known subconsciously my ex was withdrawing from me, that she had checked out of the relationship emotionally some months before the incident. I had a sense of it but I thought we were going through normal ups and downs. Lack of communication.

 

I think I was jealous/ resentful of her partying on her own because I was trying to work on my fitness and live a cleaner life. That Sunday I think I had a bit of "right I'll show you, you like going out with your mates and getting drunk, watch how drunk I can get" attitude.

 

Yes, that is very messed up!

 

Look, let's forget about the back story, nevermind the external factors which may have contributed to my behaviour. Because I KNOW that nothing justifies it.

 

I think, that as suggested I need to acknowledge and focus on my problem with binge drinking, and I think I also need to accept that I have a neurotic personality type. I do not cope well with stress and let small things upset me.

 

On this last point this experience has caused such a radical shift for me. I was very pedantic when we moved into the house, being obsessed with the renovations, trying to make it all perfect and arguing with her over the details of the remodelling even down to what picture would go where. Aarghh.. I am horrified how we used to fight over the small stuff. Now I realise how unimportant all of that was, it simply does not matter.

 

I will make a point of getting hold of The Feeling Good Handbook, thank you for the recomendation Solemate.

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I do not see how someone acting badly when drunk, then creating a post about it, pondering it, and trying to work it out, isn't taking responsibility?

 

In my opinion you are treating this exactly as you should. A lot of people do some ****ed up things when under the influence, it is the 'norm', bad yes, but it happens frequently.

 

The OP is taking this as a point to question, or improve their character. Many many people don't care about that at all.

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It is good that you realise you need to prevent this happening again. I acknowledge it must be scary for you to know that under certain circumstances, you can lose control in such a serious way.

 

I think therapy is a good idea. Anger management too. I suppose anger management teaches people how to recognise when stresses are building in the background. That's one thing you need to be able to do.

 

My ex and I also argued over all the small details. I felt I was working uphill all the time, trying to make decisions about little things that, in the end, didn't matter that much to him. He just wanted to obstruct me. That's how I felt and, since we divorced, that stress has gone completely. I had lots to feel stressed about and I'm glad I'm out of that now, even though life is not easy.

 

If partners are arguing over small details all the time, I do feel it is indicative of serious problems. Fundamentally, you are not able to work together. You are both 'going in different directions' and it's a constant stress. Avoiding a situation like that again will help, as will avoiding getting drunk.

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maiden of rohan
I do not see how someone acting badly when drunk, then creating a post about it, pondering it, and trying to work it out, isn't taking responsibility?

 

In my opinion you are treating this exactly as you should. A lot of people do some ****ed up things when under the influence, it is the 'norm', bad yes, but it happens frequently.

 

The OP is taking this as a point to question, or improve their character. Many many people don't care about that at all.

 

It isn't taking responsibility when you say "it's my fault, but." Is it good that he's working through it? Yes, but he has a long way to go before he takes full ownership of his actions.

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I think our fair maiden would prefer it if I just admitted to being an alcoholic wife beater with no hope for redemption.

 

Context: nothing happens in a vacuum. Not excuses, an explanation for the stress I was experiencing.

Edited by RDawg
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Dawg,

 

It takes much courage to write your story as you did. It certainly is not a pretty picture of you, nonetheles you seem very ready to face the consequences, learn from this experience and about yourself and understand the effects of excessive alcohol consumption. All of this is a huge concoction and you are to be commended on the first step of realizing the issues before you and taking responsibility.

 

I feel for you, I really do.

 

How are you doing now?

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Am4real

 

Thank you for your post and acknowledgement.

 

I am a bit of a mess still to be honest. Still trying to come to terms with what I did, that the relationship is over and struggling a bit with the practicalities of being stuck on my own with the house we bought.

 

On the positive side a friend of mine moved in with me last night so it will help financially and it's good to have company in the evenings.

 

I have had two sessions with a therapst which I found beneficial. It has helped me realise that I use alcohol as a coping mechanism and that my problem started long before this last relationship. It seems I am drawn to people who have similar problems to my own.

 

I still wish I could have her forgiveness but I know that isn't really the issue at all.

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No doubt self-discovery under these circumstances is all new news about yourself.

 

Frankly, if she forgave you the next day or perhaps now, your self-discovery may not have started or may have been short-lived. Life can send us challenges and how we respond to these tests is the telling truth of our character.

 

I also understand how not knowing yourself had you look for reasons why you acted this way which may have had you use words seemingly deflecting responsibility as many posters pointed out. However, people in shock or disbelief usually try to make sense of the reasons for a particular action. I figured such was the case for you. Many dumpee posters come on this forum and tell us the dumper did “this or that” so they did "this and that" and eventually they broke up, albeit weeks on this forum later do they put things together and announce they now see the problem or problems existed long before the break up. Voilla!!!

 

Your actions are certainly more serious and concerning, however I understand in the beginning one’s first actions are trying to understand the event and oneself. This is the reason I chose not to pick apart your words; it seems like I made a wise choice now that you clearly demonstrate accountability for what occurred.

 

Think of this: if you’re shocked by your actions can you imagine how your EX is processing the event. Such a thought should and can be your motivator to seeing this self-discovery all the way through.

 

Best of luck and well wishes. Stay determined.

 

 

 

Am4real

 

Thank you for your post and acknowledgement.

 

I am a bit of a mess still to be honest. Still trying to come to terms with what I did, that the relationship is over and struggling a bit with the practicalities of being stuck on my own with the house we bought.

 

On the positive side a friend of mine moved in with me last night so it will help financially and it's good to have company in the evenings.

 

I have had two sessions with a therapst which I found beneficial. It has helped me realise that I use alcohol as a coping mechanism and that my problem started long before this last relationship. It seems I am drawn to people who have similar problems to my own.

 

I still wish I could have her forgiveness but I know that isn't really the issue at all.

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Brave of you to admit all this. That's a good step forward.

 

Don't ever drink again, you were extremely lucky this time. Take responsibility, and learn from it. Good advice has been given to you. Silver linings all around. Good luck to you.

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Brave of you to admit all this. That's a good step forward.

 

Don't ever drink again, you were extremely lucky this time. Take responsibility, and learn from it. Good advice has been given to you. Silver linings all around. Good luck to you.

I agree. He was lucky his ex gf didn't file assault charges on him but only chose to end the relationship. Other than not ever drinking again, he should get into counseling sessions and not date at this moment.
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