Why do some women provoke their man and try to get a rise out of him?

[M30USA]

This is what I dealt with in my marriage. I was constantly trying to live a life of peace. She was constantly trying to create drama, always trying to provoke me and numerous times tried to make me get into a physical fight with her. She initiated physical aggression numerous times. Why do some women do this? I'm trying to learn from my past.

[will1988]

This my friend is one of the mysteries that no man shall ever know!

[Els]

I think the more important lesson to learn from your past is, "Why do some men stay with women like that?"

[will1988]

Ah I love Elswyth, always providing "touche" moments!

[Mme. Chaucer]

I think you've posted some stuff in the past that possibly could give a clue as to why your wife might have acted out in anger towards you …

 

In every single relationship, there are 2 sides to the story. It would be interesting to hear hers.

[M30USA]

I think you've posted some stuff in the past that possibly could give a clue as to why your wife might have acted out in anger towards you …

 

In every single relationship, there are 2 sides to the story. It would be interesting to hear hers.

 

There were 2 sides to Hitler's story as well.

 

From my observation, this "2 sides to every story" is most often used to justify the person who is either entirely in the wrong or mostly in the wrong.

[Els]

Mmm. I'm not really seeing any 'learning from your past' going on yet, at all.

 

But by all means, carry on...

[M30USA]

Mmm. I'm not really seeing any 'learning from your past' going on yet, at all.

 

But by all means, carry on...

 

I'm not with her anymore.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I'm not with her anymore.

 

And, you still have not owned ANY of your part in the situation. Thus, no learning so far. But maybe some time down the road ...

[M30USA]

And, you still have not owned ANY of your part in the situation. Thus, no learning so far. But maybe some time down the road ...

 

I haven't? You clearly have not read my posts, especially my original lengthy explanation of my divorce. This proves that your intention is nothing other than to heckle me, and therefore I will not have any further discussions in the future with you. Peace.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Yes, I did read it. Things you posted there are what I meant when I said that you may have contributed to your wife's behavior.

 

Please know that no matter what you did does not make any difference to her own responsibility especially where physical violence is concerned. But (from your past explanation):

 

Let me just firstly say that I had a pornography problem. Additionally, I have used nasty language to my wife. There.

 

and:

 

Another issue is that she told the court that I've been abusing the children--because I've pinched their fingers, spanked them, and been rough with them.

 

That post is sprinkled with small acknowledgments that you contributed to your horrible family life in a BIG way, even though you minimize it ("There.") and go on and on demonizing your ex wife. Who may well have been a demonic woman, but YOU are the one posting here.

 

I'm not getting the idea of how you were trying to "constantly live a life of peace" with pornography, verbal abuse and roughly handling your children.

[xxoo]

Sometimes a man wanting "peace" means he wants to do what he wants in peace, ignoring his wife's attempts to communicate dissatisfied. When unheard, she gets louder and more dramatic. It can be a vicious cycle of increasingly escalating to be acknowledged.

[tbf]

When it comes to the abusive cycle, the abuser wants full control over the abusee so they aggravate to get it. This has to do with insecurity which sources from a lack of self-esteem. Quite often, abusers fear loss and abandonment, inherently not believing themselves lovable so their partners WILL leave them if they're not controlled without boundaries.

 

Abusers typically come from abusive homes.

 

As far as abusees, they too lean towards being insecure and lacking in self-esteem. Quite often, they're passive-aggressive, using stonewalling and other PA techniques to aggravate their partners. They're also quite often, the type of individuals who need to be needed so much, they become codependents without boundaries.

 

Abusees typically come from abusive homes where drama equates to love.

 

All the above said, physical violence is abhorrent. If anyone inflicts violence on you, assault should be called into the police.

[Eve]

This is what I dealt with in my marriage. I was constantly trying to live a life of peace. She was constantly trying to create drama, always trying to provoke me and numerous times tried to make me get into a physical fight with her. She initiated physical aggression numerous times. Why do some women do this? I'm trying to learn from my past.

 

I am not picking on your Aspergers but realise that without acknowleding this the conversation is pointless as understanding this condition is central to any research you may do. So much of my advice is centred on this aspect of your being.

 

1. For general research purposes, look up the cycle of domestic violence. The violence wheel is a good way to look at how things may escalate.

 

2. Find personal accounts of what it is like to be married to someone who has Aspergers. This way you may be able to better understand some things from your wifes perspective.

 

3. Research also personal accounts of what it is to be parented by someone who has Aspergers. This is important to check for yourself since your wife has stated there were/are issues with your parenting style. Do not take any chances and think you are right here. Read and make sure you were/are not being abusive towards your children.

 

4. Research Aspergers, domestic violence and prison populations. There is an over representation of people who have Aspergers in the prison population. It is vital that you understand the links.

 

5. Men do suffer domestic violence too. After researching the above, research accounts from men who have suffered emotional, physical, sexual and financial abuse. Maybe call a helpline to discuss what you have experienced if this rings true.

 

There is a site named 'wrong planet' which seems to be an active place to learn.

 

From what you have stated it is highly probable that you were in fact being emotionally abusive towards your wife and children. I have noted more than once that you do carry a negative mindset towards women. This needs to be explored further, so well done you for asking questions.

 

The above may not be what you want to hear but I think you could benefit from the journey.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[M30USA]

For the record, I've never been diagnosed w/ Asperger's. I have merely made comments that my over-analytical thinking and tendency to focus on a few areas of interests resembles Asperger's. Other than this trait, I lack all the others including physical clumsiness, social impairment (especially at work), etc. Actually I'm quite athletic. So that goes against the traits. Plus I took an unofficial Asperger's test and had low score. Additionally, I have never abused my children and/or my spouse. As far as my wife's complaints about my parenting style, that is unfounded since CPS has ruled me out twice and, given the history of both my ex-wife and her mother calling MOST of the male figures in their lives "abusive", I think it's just another time they're crying wolf. The faults that I have readily admitted to in my marriage was a porn problem. Not anything pertaining to Asperger's-like traits.

 

Finally, I have FLAT-OUT asked my counselor an open-ended question, "Do you think I have Asperger's Syndrome?" His response was that he sees no strong traits and the likelihood is very low. For the record, I went to him WEEKLY for 8 months. I think he got to know me pretty well. My ex-wife, on the other hand, saw a counselor post-divorce for a whopping 2 visits and then discontinued.

Edited July 5, 2013 by M30USA

[pie2]

M30,

 

You knew the drama.

 

You were attracted to the drama.

 

You chose to marry the drama.

 

You can continue to cast blame, but whenever we point, there are three fingers pointing back at ourselves.

 

I hope one day to read a thread from you titled "Why did I marry, remain and create children in a volatile relationship, and what can I do to keep myself from doing that again?"

[pie2]

From what you have stated it is highly probable that you were in fact being emotionally abusive towards your wife and children. I have noted more than once that you do carry a negative mindset towards women. This needs to be explored further, so well done you for asking questions.

 

The above may not be what you want to hear but I think you could benefit from the journey.

 

Take care,

Eve x

 

Definitely agree here. Numerous times I have felt a negative attitude towards women from M30, and other posters have made comments as well. IMO, it's something that began long before the experience of an abusive marriage.

 

M30, do you come from a single-parent household? I feel like you have tons of resentment from even before your wife...like from a broken environment...?

[M30USA]

M30,

 

You knew the drama.

 

You were attracted to the drama.

 

You chose to marry the drama.

 

You can continue to cast blame, but whenever we point, there are three fingers pointing back at ourselves.

 

I hope one day to read a thread from you titled "Why did I marry, remain and create children in a volatile relationship, and what can I do to keep myself from doing that again?"

 

I thought that's what I've been asking.

[M30USA]

Definitely agree here. Numerous times I have felt a negative attitude towards women from M30, and other posters have made comments as well. IMO, it's something that began long before the experience of an abusive marriage.

 

M30, do you come from a single-parent household? I feel like you have tons of resentment from even before your wife...like from a broken environment...?

 

Yes, but more than half of homes are "broken" these days. Honestly, I think my experience growing up was very special and stable. I think it's a better example than growing up seeing a husband getting bossed around and emasculated--which is honestly what my ex father in law went through. His view of "being the man" was taking the blame for everything, never saying no, and always doing EXACTLY what he was told to do. One time I saw him get home from a shift of 12 hours overtime, he just literally went to sit down and take off his shoes, and his wife told him to go and get something at the store. She told him, didn't even ask. And he said nothing...just got up and did as he was told. That is what my wife was expecting from me. That's what the problem was.

[pie2]

I thought that's what I've been asking.

 

Today's assignment: Try to think about how that's not what you've been asking.

 

Report back!

[M30USA]

Today's assignment: Try to think about how that's not what you've been asking.

 

Report back!

 

So what you are saying is to not point blame at anyone, but rather just avoid situations like that in the future? Yay? Nay?

[xxoo]

Acknowledging that we can only control ourselves, a better question might be, "how do I attract drama into my own life?"

[tbf]

So what you are saying is to not point blame at anyone, but rather just avoid situations like that in the future? Yay? Nay?

Are you in therapy? Quite often, victims of domestic violence suffer bouts of PTSD.

 

Therapy might also help you to see that you do have the power to walk away and also help you understand why you're attracted to abusive women.

[pie2]

So what you are saying is to not point blame at anyone, but rather just avoid situations like that in the future? Yay? Nay?

 

Nay!

 

Keep trying...

[M30USA]

Are you in therapy? Quite often, victims of domestic violence suffer bouts of PTSD.

 

Therapy might also help you to see that you do have the power to walk away and also help you understand why you're attracted to abusive women.

 

I saw a counselor post-divorce for 8 months. We discontinued because, in his opinion, he thought I was doing pretty well. (Waiting for the jokes to start from certain LS members regarding this last comment, lol.)