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Abused 22 years, then he changed.


jennaflorrie

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jennaflorrie

My husband of 22 years was controlling, verbally abusive, mentally abusive, physically abusive. He would switch from nice and loving to nasty and controlling very quickly. Physical abuse involved, pulling hair, punching, kicking, throwing things. Verbal abuse.....swearing, putting me down. In between....he was charming, kind....loving. One day 2011 - Ifelt my heart die for him. DEAD. I realise now, why abused women keep snapping back - like elastic. Boing. boing. Until one day there is NOTHING.

 

I left him, moved out with my two teenagers. Nice little house I rented. Then he used the God card...I thought. I knew I was a Christian and used to mock my faith. But once we were separated, he was totally repentant. So, so sorry. Apologising. Saying he had prayed and God had given him peace. He wanted to go to church with me. So, I slowly let him back into my life.

 

Unknown to my husband though....back in Nov 2011. I fell for another guy. I have never even kissed him. But he knows how I feel.

 

He is divorced. And a true Christian and a nice man. He feels the same, but he knows I took my husband back and he barely talks anymore. I feel I must choose. My husband has been good as gold...mostly...since we got back together. But I still feel nothing for him. I feel my heart went to this other man. What should I do?

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What you want to do.

 

IMHO. life is too short to risk lying on your deathbed, thinking, "Damn, I wish I had......"

 

....."good as gold - mostly"....?

 

WTF does that mean??

 

Any lapse into old ways means he has NOT Changed.....

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jennaflorrie

Well, he said he would never hurt me again. Loved me so much. No one would ever love me as much as he did. He was always admitting it was his fault. He wished he could change. But, he hurt my daughter mentally, and she doesnt even like him. I have been living with him since September and caught him last December mouthing to my daughter behind my back (but I caught him) "I don't Like You" My daughter had been hard work that day, but to catch my husband mouthing that to my daughter who had had depression, caused by her father...made me really angry.

 

Friends of mine think he is just wanting to keep me to look after him. That he is afraid to let go. He has been ok with his daughter since the last incident, but I feel that is because I caught him being nasty and he knows I am watching him.

 

Its been torture these past months. I am friends with this guy on FB and he initiated contact with me, asking me if I was WITH my husband and if we were trying to be a couple or not. I told him that my husband wanted us to be a couple but that I felt it may be too little too late.

 

I have spoken to the other guy on the phone, but he wont admit to anything. And why should he? He knows I am still with my husband. He is waiting. But he wont wait for ever.

 

Meanwhile, my husband is still doing all he can to win me over. Why oh why didnt he change sooner.

 

My heart died to him and I do believe marriage should be for life....but I felt something DIE in me Nov 2011.

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No.

I'm sorry.

If I were abused, this is something I would have to deal with.

 

But abuse my kids?

Say something like that to a daughter?

And knowing your daughter doesn't like him?

Someone who has hurt her mentally, and who has made her depressed as a result??

 

Get the hell out of my home and stay out.

 

Honey - what are you afraid of?

 

Your love for your H is dead and gone.

he is mistreating your daughter.

She has depression because of him and doesn't like him.

You have found someone else.

 

Why?? Why, in the name of everything sacred - WHY are you still even giving the time of day to this man- ?!!

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jennaflorrie

I have already posted about this on the Separation/Divorce forum...maybe I should have posted it here.

 

My husband of 22 years was a psycho. For years....mood swings. verbal abuse, mental abuse. Physical abuse - not anything really bad...but throwing things, slapping, light punching, kicking. Emotional abuse. You know...the usual!

 

Then an amazing thing happened! Just like that my heart (the very little that was left of it for him) DIED. Dead. Just like that, it was over for me. I looked at him and thought "What a horrible man you are",

 

I sold the house, rented out a nice little house with my teenagers. And then hubby who was inconsolable and desperate, crying all the time...showing real repentance, admitting he was iin the wrong - said he had been close to ending it all but then when he prayed he felt a peace...from God.

 

At first, I thought "Oh yeah....using the God card now! (because he knew that I am a committed Christian). But, he was adamant and he did SEEM to change.

 

Slowly, I let him back into my life. But my heart was still dead to him...and the complication is this....................

 

Back when my heart DIED to my husband, I fell WHAM! in love....completely, full on...head over heels in love with this other man!

I knew he felt the same.

 

I have moved away from the area that I used to live, near this other man that I love. My husband stays here with me and the children half of the week, because he works to far from here to commute daily.

 

So, I dont have to see my husband every day, which is good. I am still friends with this guy that I love on FB. He did ask me, when I moved out of the area, IF I was WITH my husband, Were we a COUPLE. ???

 

I told him that my husband WANTED us to be, but that things maybe had gone too far.

 

Since then, its like this other guy, is just waiting for me to make up my mind. But he wont wait for ever.

 

So what should I do? Cut off my husband completely and divorce him? Even though he has been truly sorry, admitted it has all been his fault and tried to make ammends?

 

Or just forget about the other guy? Concentrate on building up my marriage.

 

I dont love my husband. i am not on th same wave length as him. But maybe it will take time for me to trust him again. I JUST DONT KNOW. Damn.

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jennaflorrie

I have a son. His dad gets on ok with him. They do sport together.

 

My husband keeps telling me he has changed. And he seemed to change. But I just cannot forget (forgive yes) forget NO! How he has hurt my daughter.

 

I know deep down that its just too late. I am glad if he has found peace with God. But my marriage died. I know it.

 

I suppose I just felt as a Christian that I had to try AGAIN...when he was such a changed man and had seen the light.

 

But even if he has changed...he has to find someone else. Too much bad history with our marriage.

 

yes you are right.

 

At the moment, I only see my husband half the week. He stays with his parents the rest of the time. I moved out of area, last September......and its too far for him to commute to work daily. So I am glad about that!

 

I will wait till my Son has taken his exams, then I will tell him. "Its over"

 

I know he will cry, I will cry too. But its just too late. I know marriage is meant to be for ever and I truly believe that it should be...but he killed the marriage. He admits it is all his fault. I forgive him. But its gone.

 

Thanks for your advice. Deep down I know you are right.

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I can sympathize with everything you just said. The numb feeling after being abused. Plus on top of that, my ex wife's family, instead of understanding my situation, criticized my feelings by saying that I was "unaffected by things and guarded". That was exact quote by her dad on witness stand in divorce court. Instead of seeing his own daughter's assaultive behavior as the cause of my numbness, he pridefully viewed it as a fault of my character.

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I have a son. His dad gets on ok with him. They do sport together.

 

My husband keeps telling me he has changed. And he seemed to change. But I just cannot forget (forgive yes) forget NO! How he has hurt my daughter.

This is presumptuous of you.

it's not your place to 'forgive'. It's your daughter's.

And if she can't - she's who matters more. He's a fully-formed adult - she is young and impressionable. Every day she spends in his company, is 24 hours more misery and sadness for her.

Why are you letting this happen to her?

 

 

I know deep down that its just too late. I am glad if he has found peace with God. But my marriage died. I know it.

I believe this to be utter nonsense.

He has found God because it's the way he got you back.

I will bet the very skin and flesh on my bones that the day you leave him, God will magically suddenly disappear from his life, and he will revert to type.

I guarantee it.

 

If your marriage has died - and I have no doubt it has - why the hell are you still giving the rotting corpse house-room?

 

I suppose I just felt as a Christian that I had to try AGAIN...when he was such a changed man and had seen the light.

Really?

And how, may I ask, has God precisely rewarded you for your 'Christian' perseverance?

I rather think it was God who extinguished the light in your heart to make you see sense.

It was God who knocked you on the head in November 2011.

 

Why did you foolishly ignore that?

 

But even if he has changed...he has to find someone else. Too much bad history with our marriage.

It's my hope he never, ever finds anyone else, if he is going to subject them to the same bitter and nasty temperament he has lying just under the surface.

 

A person who has found God does not tell his daughter he does not like her.

What an extremely un-Christian way to behave.

No. He never found God.

He played the 'God' card, sure. But it's not genuine.

 

yes you are right.

 

At the moment, I only see my husband half the week. He stays with his parents the rest of the time. I moved out of area, last September......and its too far for him to commute to work daily. So I am glad about that!

 

I will wait till my Son has taken his exams, then I will tell him. "Its over"

If this is what you must do - if you have to find the time, and the right time at that - then do so.

But don't let your H come over any more.

do you sleep in the same bed?

Does he have sex with you?

 

You need to dissuade him from coming over.

 

And you need to advise your 'FB friend of what you intend to do. That will concretise it in your mind.

 

Please - don't back out now.

 

I know he will cry, I will cry too. But its just too late. I know marriage is meant to be for ever and I truly believe that it should be...but he killed the marriage. He admits it is all his fault. I forgive him. But its gone.

 

Thanks for your advice. Deep down I know you are right.

 

I can understand how a devoted Christian may well feel that to end a marriage is a sign of having failed - but it was not you who failed in this.

 

And I don't think you know I'm right 'deep down'.

I think you know I'm right - and it really isn't very deep at all.

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jennaflorrie

Thats tough - men who are abused can have it tougher, people dont always believe that a man can be abused, but of course they can! They are human too! Are you divorced now?

 

I know I need to divorce my husband. First my son must take his exams and then I will have to do the D I know many will say I am a fool. That my H has changed and I should be Happy.....but the prolonged abuse just killed my heart for my H and I truly feel a deep connection for this other man.

 

I just feel sorry for my H now, my dad said that he will die without me.

 

Pressure??? Just a bit.

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jennaflorrie

I cannot forgive on behalf of my daughter. No. She has issues with her dad and I have told her I dont blame her. I have always stood by her, but I feel guilty for stayiing with her father....and yes....when I caught him mouthing (so I wouldnt hear) " I dont like you" at her I saw the light"!

 

He is nice to his D now, because he knows I am watching him. He hugs her and tells her he loves her (all in front of me), course she doesnt want to hug him back.

 

I have been stupid beyond belief. And I wish I hadnt stayed so long. I know I was tied in some weird way to him...and in Nov 2011 that TIE snapped.

 

No, I have not had sex with him for 2 years.

 

I go on FB hoping that this guy will message me, but he is ON, I see by the green light.....but he doesnt speak to me......he doesnt admit to anything, he is a decent guy and doesnt want to be held responsible for breaking up a marriage and taking father from son.....my silly sister put up a picture of my H with my S and the other guy saw it..........when I do get to speak to this guy on FB I will def let him know that I am leaving H.

 

But I am not leaving H for anothe man, because that would be foolish.....I am leaving H because my marriage is dead.

 

I will tell him July.

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I spent 15 years with an abuser, I have changed....then it reverts....I have changed....reverts again...it is called a cycle. It is even hard for me to type about it, I just want to forget about it. It is almost like a distant 'dream' if you will I have buried it so far. I would seek some help. There are places you can go anonymously if your worried about confidentiality. I believe it will help you. There are also hotlines, however, I beleive a face to face would be more helpful to you. I feel better and am happy. I am with someone I love very much (Needed some time alone after it truly ended) and really rather embarrased, but talking to a stranger is going to feel 'safer' for you and less embarrasing. Also keep in mind there are also those that dont make it out alive and wish they had the chances we had/have.

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jennaflorrie

So you think he is using the God card too?

 

I want rid of him. He may have changed but I have too.

 

Glad things are happier for you now. Thats good.

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So you think he is using the God card too?

 

I want rid of him. He may have changed but I have too.

 

Glad things are happier for you now. Thats good.

 

You used the term yourself. And I suspect it was a gut instinct of yours.

but bit by bit, he won you over.

 

We should all listen a whole lot more, and a whole lot more intently, to our 'gut instincts'....

 

I have been stupid beyond belief. And I wish I hadnt stayed so long. I know I was tied in some weird way to him

 

Again, you're using terminology here which I suspect indicates you let your heart rule your head.

And you ignored your gut.

 

Right?

 

Right.

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Thats tough - men who are abused can have it tougher, people dont always believe that a man can be abused, but of course they can! They are human too! Are you divorced now?

 

I know I need to divorce my husband. First my son must take his exams and then I will have to do the D I know many will say I am a fool. That my H has changed and I should be Happy.....but the prolonged abuse just killed my heart for my H and I truly feel a deep connection for this other man.

 

I just feel sorry for my H now, my dad said that he will die without me.

 

Pressure??? Just a bit.

 

Yes we are divorced now. Ex wife said we either reconcile or she wouldn't bring the kids back. The funny thing is at the time I would have reconciled if she merely apologized for her assault. She couldn't even do that. Sometimes I think I'm glad she didn't because I honestly would have reconciled then.

 

Yes, men can be abused. Her family clearly didn't think so. They have the machismo attitude.

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pureinheart

JF- because you are a committed Christian, concerning the marriage, I would go to God about what to do.

 

As far as another relationship goes, I would suggest to give yourself time- if it is meant to be, "he" will be there no matter how long it takes, if not, it wasn't meant to be IMO.

 

I jumped from the fire to the frying pan A LOT in my life because I thought I had to be in a relationship for fulfillment...all I need is Jesus because I am not fit to make those types of decisions at this point in time.

 

Hey, hoping all goes well for you:) (((((((hugs)))))))

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I just feel sorry for my H now, my dad said that he will die without me.

 

Pressure??? Just a bit.

 

By all means feel sorry, but this isn't on you.

He's brought this on himself - and you can't fix him.

 

If - as your father seems to think - he will die alone - that's HIS problem, not yours.

 

You are not responsible for holding up, or completing his life.

He is.

you have enough to contend with, in looking after yourself and your children.

 

Interesting in your other thread, that you say your H gets on well with his son.

 

Be careful: in this 'buddy-buddy' relationship. your son is being influenced by a man who basically and fundamentally has been extremely abusive towards you.

Influence of this kind, is insidious and may affect your son deeply.

He, more than anyone else, needs to know that the kind of behaviour your father indulged in is completely unacceptable.

Children may repeat what they learn.

 

And your daughter may not respect you for tolerating your H's presence, particularly as you are aware of how he treated her.

It may seem to her as if you permit/condone his behaviour.

 

This isn't only about you, and how your husband has, or is treating you.

You have a parental responsibility to your kids - and whatever you allow, permit, tolerate, whatever you will - they see, and learn and it affects them.

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So what should I do? Cut off my husband completely and divorce him? Even though he has been truly sorry, admitted it has all been his fault and tried to make ammends?

 

My quick read is classic push/pull abuse technique. Had he done any of the things he did to you to another man, he'd likely be dead.

 

You don't love him anymore as a husband and lover and are attached to him as the father of your children.

 

Ratify those feelings, get some counseling for your own resultant issues, process the D out, spend some quality alone time with your children and then see where things are with this new man. Right now he's a band-aid. Once clear of this, you'll have a more concise perspective on his place in your life, if any. One step at a time. Good luck.

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jennaflorrie

Yes I did ignore my gut instinct. I stayed with him too long. I remember wanting to leave him when I was engaged!!! I took the ring down to the car he was sitting in, in the box he gave it to me the year previous. But as I looked at him...sitting there....I felt sorry for him! And I just couldnt give him the ring!

 

Then I wanted to go just before my daughter was conceived......our old house had been sold...I was living with in laws...this was my chance...FLEE! But I found out I was pregnbant and gave H the chance to be a father (crazy).

 

Then seeing how volatile he was....one memory is seeing him with his D on his lap, chucking ppizza all over the floor! I geared up to leaving again....but got preg. again with my son!

 

So, I stayed put....long time....endured a lot of verbal abuse. I remember thinking "If I split with him now, with the kids little, he will get to take them away for his visitation rights and God knows what will happen" So....I kept with H to have my children with me full time.

 

Well, my children are 18 and 16 and once again, I see the door marked FREEDOM.

I am prob afraid a bit to go.....because I have been imprisoned for so long......but having these breaks from H whilst he is working, has helped.

 

I dont miss him when he is away. I have more energy. He saps the life out of me. He wants me to look after him as he gets old...he has health issues....he thinks I can be his personal nurse.

 

I did believe in marriage. I still do. I do believe it is for life...but I honestly believe and have experienced......that a marriage can DIE. Either through adultery, abuse, neglect, desertion.

 

So its countdown time again. The only person I worry about is my Son. I know a Son needs his dad....but he is old enough to stay with him (when he wants to) and understand the issues - some of them - involved.

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Hi Jenna - Your story touches me personally, as I have been in these shoes myself. Reading your experience and seeing you grappling with what is right or wrong in this situation for you, well, sometimes there are more than two paths....there can be many.

 

My advice is that the two paths you feel have been presented....stay in the current situation or leave to follow your heart in an unknown....neither may present the outcome you hope for until you address the questions of right or wrong. It comes down eventually to always being blamed and then the blame you put on yourself as well for staying so long.

 

Some resources I have been looking at lately that have helped me to understand MY dynamics and how I got to where I am in life have been centered around Narcissist Abuse and Co-Dependency. There are very good resources out there, but it's not so much as identifying your husband, understanding his dynamic, what he is and what he does or even labeling him or diagnosing.....it's more look at the resources for a way you can heal yourself so you can move forward in life. As On My Own states, a time out to get yourself together, heal from the hurt, is a very good thing before following your heart.

 

I think we all know that our head and our hearts don't always agree. It's not so much why did you stay or if it was the right thing, that is in the past and cannot be changed....it's more about how you heal and what you do with the present to move to find your real happiness in life.

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whichwayisup

People like that don't just "change" because they said they've changed. He's been an abusive a-hole for many years! How has he changed? By making more effort? See, without counseling, he won't stay changed for long. He will slip back into his old patterns and habits because he doesn't have the coping skills to go forward and let go of his anger, his abuse. There's been A LOT of damage done to you, and to your kids.

 

Why did you go back?

 

Forget this other guy, focus on letting go of your husband and being alone, becoming independent and strong so you won't need or have to rely on a man.

 

Counseling could help you as well. Involving another man, especially one like how you described, seems like he is your 'rescuer, knight in shining armour' is a red flag.

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Not trying to be harsh or add to your suffering but in my opinion, you need to stop fooling yourself. The feelings you have for this 'other man' are affecting the way you feel about your husband. You many even be re-writing history a bit...common when a person is justifying their feelings.

 

No matter what he's done, you have no business getting involved with someone else while married. At the very least, you're doing yourself no favors. Never kissed? Ok. But nevertheless you're in love with him.

 

Aren't you? You mention him in every post. Yours and others.

 

Regarding hubby, it's no surprise you've lost your love. How can someone love a person who's hurting them? You haven't written that you don't trust him, but I suspect you don't. With any of your children. Not really. Every day is hinged on the hope that he won't. Who can blame you? Not love.

 

I've studied the bible extensively and continue to do so. IMO, your salvation is not hinged on the condition of your marriage. It is dependent upon your sealed covenant with God, as cleared outlined by the Apostles in the New Testament. All prophecy was fulfilled when the church was established, meaning God's interaction (in speaking, personal visits, etc) ended. God doesn't work that way according to the bible. He doesn't go to us, we go to Him, through Christ, whose words on divorce are clear.

 

Don't be directed by guilt, obligation or fear. Judge actions, starting with your own. Break it down to reality. It's hard, but you must. We all must.

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jennaflorrie

OK....steadfast......so...breaking it down. Divorce is not justified.

 

I know my relationship with God does not depend on my marital condition.

 

So, I must stay with my husband. I must forgive him.

 

I must forget about this other man...who I moved away from, church and area. Trying to be faithful to God.

 

But I dont love my husband. My heart died to him November 2011. I felt the marriage dissolve...end. Truly. Then, WHAM...something amazing happened and I felt literally love struck by this other man. I did not seek it. I never flirt...dress in a way to attract attention.....it truly did just happen.

d

So as well as sacrificing 22 years.....and my daughters happiness. I must now sacrifice the rest of my life. My H has changed and I must thank God for that. Pray that somehow this marriage revives itself. And hope that God will help my D too.

 

I know the Bible too. I know what the bible says about Divorce. I know he didnt mention abuse. Or marriages dying but they do die. We are married till DEATH do us part. In my marriage the death happened 2 years ago and it was murdered by my H. Course he is sorry now. The other guy was the RESULT of my dead marriage. My soul was free suddenly...and found someone else to tie too. Do you see that?

 

God help me.

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GorillaTheater
OK....steadfast......so...breaking it down. Divorce is not justified.

 

I know my relationship with God does not depend on my marital condition.

 

So, I must stay with my husband. I must forgive him.

 

I hate to argue against someone's faith. You have to follow God's word as you see fit and as you're led. But I have to admit this is disheartening as hell.

 

Yeah, the other guy may well be clouding your thinking, but I don't and can't believe that it God's will that we remain in an abusive relationship. Maybe it's not abusive any more. Maybe he really has changed. But I think we both strongly suspect he hasn't, and it's only a matter of time before he reverts to type. You saw a glimpse of that in January. As a father, I can't imagine mouthing any such thing to any of my kids (even in those occasional moments when they're being knuckleheads and maybe I don't like them all that much at the time). And mouthing it to try to keep you from catching on, to keep you from seeing what he is.

 

You can't fake this for the rest of your life. I'm not sure I'd try.

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First off, I hate when people use religon to mask over the problem. The point is, you're still a married woman. GET A DIVORCE! Because, right now, all you are doing it cheating. You're having an emotional affair, an emotional attachment to another man while you are still married to your husband.

 

You say till death do you part, and you also say that 2011 HE killed the marriage (of course, you're saying this to justify your feelings for this other guy so you don't have to feel guilty about it) but YOU took him back! So, don't be laying all the blame on him. You decided to take him back when he was supposedly dead and gone to you.

 

You also state that you're going to lower the boom on him after your son finishes his exams. Why? GET A DIVORCE! If he's the monster that you say he is, then you two getting a divorce shouldn't be a problem for them. They wouldn't or shouldn't care. Actually, they should be relieved that he's gone. So, why wait?

 

Personally, I think that you should divorce your husband now, and stay away from the OM. Get rid of them both. Nothing wrong with being on your own for a while and heal. Look, I'm not defending his past actions. If that stuff happened, then it is what it is and there's no reason for you to be married to him. But, you're stringing him along with false hope when you KNOW you don't want to be with him anymore. That's not being fair to him, the kids OR yourself.

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