Emotional abuse

[autumnlover]

Hey guys!!! Havent been here in a while. i need advice. i am in a bad plce now in my relationship with my fiance. we have been fighting like everyday for the past 3 months. ok not everyday but alot. i was told that this is common before you get married but i dont like this. i feel like i am getting abused emontionally and i need to come here and ask for advice. let me start....one thign that bothers me is the simple fact that when some one askes my finace how i am doing...he either answers.."oh she's ok i guess" or "she's a pain in my ass" now not that i am against him talking to others but he is doing it in such a way that the people he is saying it to are starting to treat me different and ignore me. now the second thing is one night we were talinkg about something we saw on the news and i was telling him how i felt about it and he interupted me and I HATE THAT!!!! i just sat there and looked at my wall thinking i forget what i was going to say and he asked me to continue. i said i forgot and he hit me with the blockbuster dvd case. he didnt do it hard and but it left a sting and a mark. i looked at him and said that he was never to hurt me like that let alone touch in in an angry way. he looked me dead in the face and said..."**** you" at that point i was like screw you and i went downstaires where i knew my step mom would be. he came downstaires and i said..goodbye and i siad i love you. he just walked out the door and went home. i didnt talk to him for the rest of the night. he came over the next night and i confronted him about it and he said he was joking around (yeah right)

so saturday night...i was at his house and we were watching a movie and i got up to do something and by accident...i knocked my half filled cup of water and it went on the floor by his filing cabinet. he was like "MOVE IT EM" and grumbling under his breath about this and i said..calm down..it is water. and he was like you dont understand...it went into the partical wood and it is going to fall apart in a few weeks. i asked my dad who used to be a carptner and he said it wasnt true so i called him to tell him and to maybe calm his fear of getting a new file cabinet and he was like fine em...blah blah blah....so then he hung up on me and i hate that too so i called him back until he answered the phone. i was wrong for that but i was so pissed at him. then he stared calling me a whore and a bitch and all these other names and i have had it. i know i need to get out of this or take it to a professional but i also am wondering how i can just leave. no warning or nothing. i need to know how i can just leave without anyone knowing and find a place who will let me stay in my own room until i get back on my feet. not like a shelter but a place where i can have my own apartment based on my income. i dont make alot of money and i cant stay in my parents house much longer...dose anyone know of a good place where i can go??? dose anyone know of anything...or anyone who has done this????

THANKS

[wakeupbabies]

Could you be OVER re-acting to some of these things maybe he is sensitive and so are you....he interupted you!! AND?? Who doesn't hitting you with a dvd he was probably joking I would be ****ty too if someone didn't pay attention to what they were doing and made a mess in my place! What would you have done if he did this to you maybe you were getting on his nerves and wouldn't give him space maybe that's why he said what he did! None of this is ABUSE!! If so then OMG sorry for the people who are in worse situations maybe you should leave and grow up a little bit then go and find a new relationship!

[miz_barby]

Other than this does he do anything to make you feel he would be capable of abuse?

[autumnlover]

Originally posted by wakeupbabies

Could you be OVER re-acting to some of these things maybe he is sensitive and so are you....he interupted you!! AND?? Who doesn't hitting you with a dvd he was probably joking I would be ****ty too if someone didn't pay attention to what they were doing and made a mess in my place! What would you have done if he did this to you maybe you were getting on his nerves and wouldn't give him space maybe that's why he said what he did! None of this is ABUSE!! If so then OMG sorry for the people who are in worse situations maybe you should leave and grow up a little bit then go and find a new relationship!

 

 

ok well it is very clear that i am FOREVER WRONG about anything. i guess will have to find somewhere else go. try and listen to what is eally going on before you post something else and send someone over the edge..i now know what i must do to escape...thanks again!!!

[miz_barby]

hey don't go...that person was being insensitive though expressing their opinion....has he done anything else that makes you think that he is capable of abusing you other than the rude things he says? I was in an abusive relationship both physically and emotionally and he too called me all kinds of names but his type of abuse was hitting me with his fists and threatening to end my life if I left him....anyway if he is capable of being really angry and aggressive now about things that don't matter very much then yes you should probably leave him before you get farther into the relationship and as far as where you should go depends on your area....maybe you should go to a friends house for a bit...and if you don't mind me asking how come you can't stay with your parents until you get on your feet financially?

[autumnlover]

yes he has..he has told me that he wants to "five minutes alone with me" to "teach me a lesson" he has risen his hand at me many times and has made fists in my face when he was angry. i get yelled at for thigns that i am not even around for. everyone says he has a bad temper and he does. his mother and father have told me from the begining. i didnt really see it until like 2 years ago and yet i was stupid for thinking it will change cause he said he wont change because he can not see what i am talking about. he has admitted it to me before. he even got a review at his job and they even said he has anger and temper issues. i mean how much more can he want. he feels like i am "picking on him". i am not. i am simply stating what i see. i am so sickened with him.., my stomach is in knots when i think about him or hear his name.

 

my dad and my stepmother told me that i have to leave if my fiance and i break up because my step mom wants to make my room her study. i am supposed to get married in 5 months. we have been together for 5 years.

 

i am at a loss for words that i cant think straight about this and all i can do is want out and just walk away and never look back.

[miz_barby]

wow your dad hasn't said you could stay? stepmom or not that's ****ty.....since he has so many issues I would NOT marry him.....things may only get a whole lot worse once you're married and it's easier to walk away from a relationship than a marriage trust me! Sounds like he has some serious issues and needs to work them out before he tries to have a good healthy relationship! If I were you I would ask my Dad and stepmom (if she HAS to have say so) for a little extension so you can get some money together (assuming you work)...

 

i am so sickened with him.., my stomach is in knots when i think about him or hear his name.

 

 

since you feel this way now imagine how it will be when you actually marry him (don't do it girl you can find much better) how about your mom (sorry I don't know your story if this is a sensitive subject sorries in advance) but if you have her maybe you can stay with her but if not then I say do what you can to get yourself out of that situation....just don't get married so you'll have a place to call home!

[autumnlover]

how about your mom (sorry I don't know your story if this is a sensitive subject sorries in advance) but if you have her maybe you can stay with her but if not then I say do what you can to get yourself out of that situation....just don't get married so you'll have a place to call home!

 

well in the case with my mother...we arent close at all. she left me when i was 2 and we never had a close relationship. i have tried though. she is a recovering alki and she dosent want to have a "mother/daughter" relationship because she says she cant trust me. i asked her why and she said it was because i tried to manipulate her when i was 5!!!! yes you read that right. so needless to say...i dont have a good relationship with her. my father is on a leash that sometimes he cant speak for himself. i used to get mad about that but i see that he is happy with her and they love each other very much. i have no where to go.

[Abused]

But it looked like you needed advice on where to go, and not whether or not to leave. So I didn't post. My husband was wonderful when we dated. When we got married, he got bad for blowing up at me over nothing, and calling me names. Then, it escalated into him shoving me. Then it escalated to him shoving me harder. He shoved me in the face. He threated to punch me in the mouth, while he pushed his fist into my mouth as hard as he could. Then he got better....for about two months. Then he shoved me, and my head bounced off the vacuum cleaner. Then he grabbed hand, squeezed it as tight as he coule (trying to break my fingers) and when my fingers didn't break, he twisted my wrist, trying to break my wrist, but I bent my arm. I was holding a pen that I let go, and once I let go, he grabbed the pen, and slung it against the wall.

 

He blames this behavior on me. It's not my fault...I don't make him hurt me!

 

So yes, you need to leave now. I wish I'd known how my husband was BEFORE I married him. 5 years or not, I would not marry him again, if I'd known then what I know now

 

I don't really have much of a place to go either. My family lives pretty far away. If I were you, I'd tell your dad that you don't love him any more, and I'd tell him how he treats you. Then, I'd just move in with him. I'd bring a bag of clothes, and move right on in. Sleep on the couch every night if you have to. If they kick you out, then at least you'll have a leg to stand on when you apply for home funding.

 

When I was single, I worked 40 hours a week at 5.65 an hour. That was too much for HUDD housing, since I didn't have a child. Had I been making minimum wage, I'd have qualified.

 

Go to whitepages.com and under "business" select "type of business" then type in free housing, and your state. See if it pulls anything up. I'm sure you can get free housing if you don't make much money. If you make more than minimum wage, it my behove you to find a job with fewer hours, and less pay

 

If you aren't willing to do that, though, just crash in on your dad. Get out of your fiance's house NOW. Move on, before you get sucked back in, and even if you do decide to stay with him, DON'T MARRY HIM. It will be the biggest mistake of your LIFE!

[autumnlover]

to abused and miz_barby..thank you for all of your kind words and your understanding. i want to leave but there is one thing in the way...my heart. i am madly inlove with my fiance. i am not saying that i will continue to subject myself to this behavior of his...i am just saying it is hard. we have fought about his behavior in the past and like abused said...it is very different after you know the person a little better. i dont want to go into the pathetic thing of saying..." i love him" and "things will get better" because i know i love him and i know things wont get better. it is just hard to say goodbye to someone who has helped you in so many ways for so long. sure...he wasnt always like this and i know he loves me very much. it is a hard decision i have to make and i know what i have to do..it is just the action that scares me. that is why i wanted to just leave and start new. some would say that is the coward way out and i suppose it is... but who am i to judge? i feel that if it is something that makes someone else happy...then go for it. the thing is i dont know if it will make me happy or more depressed than i already am. i have told him that his anger and short temper scare me yet he continues to do it. he says that i make him re-act the way he does. i never asked for it. i dont know anyone who says to their lover/husband/wife " honey..please yell at me like you are mad at me and then threaten me". i would like to meet the person who does and is serious. i am in therapy and he has come with me and he says that "he dosent mean to make me feel bad" and then i feel bad. but something is different this time. there is a little voice that says...well what happens when he hits you or throws you?? what is he going to say then. "i didnt mean to do that." i know it is best to get out before i get married but it is so hard. i dont know what to do. this sounds mean to myself and i know some of you arent going to like this but i pray everyday that i get hit by a car and die. i want the easiest way out. i go to church and i pray my little heart out and i know that God will see me through things and he dosent give me things i cant handel but why is this so hard??? i just want to DIE and go to heaven and live there. thats all. is that too much to ask????

[miz_barby]

This may sound chessy but at least you can come and talk about it...it's better that you don't have to keep everything bottled up inside!

Yes it sounds harsh to yourself to say such a thing that you would rather die than live with having to be in the situation you're in......as long as you're just saying it and not trying or attempting to do anything bad to yourself!

There's nothing pathetic about saying you love someone and that it's hard to leave them. Even though his behavior has been mean towards you as you mentioned it wasn't always this way....I'm sure thinking of the bad doesn't make you forget all the good you've had with them.

Sorry to hear about your mother and it is sad that your father wouldn't take more of a stronger role to your stepmom in allowing you to stay especially if he knows how your fiance is treating you....there's no sense in them making you move out if he split from him right away but if that's their choice then sadly probably no one can change it and I agree you should attempt to find appartments which are income based in your area and if that's not possible maybe there is a shelter you can go to where counslers can help you out....(shelters probably aren't very nice but I've heard they are there to help in this situation).

Anyway I hope things get so much better for you and I'm sure things will work out in the end! If you feel the need to keep talking I think this is a great place to do it!

[yes]

autumnlover: there are many centers for abused women. is there one close to where you live? please try to find one, they should be able to help you out! just don't lose hope - many people have been abused, stopped it, and created healthy lives for themselves. you can do it

 

also, you said you have some income. have you looked around for rooms to rent? check the newspapers or even look on the net. you can get a basement apartment fairly cheaply, normally. if you can't afford it, look for a roommate who'll split the cost.

 

if you cannot afford a counsellor, look for a social worker - i think they will help you out free of charge, but i'm not sure, you'll have to look into it.

 

best of luck,

-yes

[Paul]

Hi autumnlover,

 

You are currently in a crisis situation and need immediate intervention. A few comments about wakeupbabies' post:

 

Originally posted by wakeupbabies

Could you be OVER re-acting to some of these things maybe he is sensitive and so are you....

 

Absolutely not. Autumnlover, you are not overreacting.

 

he interupted you!! AND?? Who doesn't hitting you with a dvd he was probably joking I would be ****ty too if someone didn't pay attention to what they were doing and made a mess in my place!

 

There is absolutely no excuse for violence.

 

What would you have done if he did this to you maybe you were getting on his nerves and wouldn't give him space maybe that's why he said what he did! None of this is ABUSE!!

 

It most certainly is.

 

If so then OMG sorry for the people who are in worse situations maybe you should leave and grow up a little bit then go and find a new relationship!

 

The only point in this post I can agree with is that the relationship needs to end. Go to a friend's or neighbor's house and call your local police station which will have a listing of resources they can point you to. You can do this anonymously. Also, check your phone book for any domestic violence organizations or battered women's shelters that may be able to assist local to your area either via telephone or by private consultation. You will not need to pay for these services.

 

Another resource is the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE.

 

Get out now and take care of yourself. Emotional abuse often leaves bigger scars than that of physical abuse. Protect and love yourself.

 

Best wishes,

Paul

[kjh]

I am in a much similar position to you. All my life I have known I am oversensitive, so it's hard to tell whether you are overreacting to things or not. I am also engaged but my wedding is a year away. We have been together 5 years also and met in college. My fiancees family is great, they love me and I love them.

 

They tell me they can't beleive I have put up with this shi** so long - especailly his sisters. My fiancee thinks I have huge expectations, in that people should not react by throwing things and saying fu** you and I hate you during fights. It is very tough b/c when things are fine it seems like maybe it will just stop, and then you think well if it doesn't I can live with it.

 

He is also very sarcastic, I will say something about something ion TV, etc, and he will just say - I don't care why are you telling me. I just feel like I am always on pins and needles - that i am going to screw something up. He has pushed me several times and done stupid stuff like pour a whole 2 litres of soda all over me.

 

Now I hate fights - and I don't like to fight back - I just cry and he hates that even more. The thing is my fiancee is a teacher. He is a good guy, it's just that when he gets mad - I don't know what he could do. He has called me a bitch probably over 1000 times in our relationship. He even has called his mother and his sisters bitches, and when I tell him that's not right, he says well they are. But the sucky thing is he also cries at Disney movies, and loves my cats.

 

I don't know what my parents think. I know they like him but they think I could find someone nicer.

 

Hmmm. Gotta go he's home.