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Abuse or Naivety? (Long Post, Seeking Serious Answers)

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Old 19th November 2012, 8:28 PM   #1
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Abuse or Naivety? (Long Post, Seeking Serious Answers)

I'm a sixteen year old college student. I moved out four months ago and now live with my boyfriend of over a year. He just so happens to be a relative by marriage and 8 years my senior. I know what you're thinking... "What?!"

Our relationship was long-distance and not-so-secret until I finally moved states to be with him. At first, in the very beginning of us simply texting and talking, everyone who was aware just thought it was kind of cute. The niece-in-law has a crush, he's a charming bachelor, no harm no foul. We would Skype every day and play video games online together and talk on the phone for hours. Nobody took it seriously, so we had the perfect layout for a secret "relationship" - and I use quotations, because we weren't official until I moved in, but we were always in love. Even through the turmoil. From the beginning there have been a lot of ups and downs: inevitable family drama, long-distance jealousy, and mutual loneliness. We took several 'vacations' from each other's virtual company but in the end always remained close friends and got back into the swing of things.*

Forbidden love is a pain in the ass. Teenage love is a pain in the ass. Misunderstood love is a pain in the ass. But we endured. Since I've lived with him, however, things have obviously changed. As I should have expected.

Whenever we argue, which was never, then sometimes, and now increasingly often, it's always my fault. His ego is wounded easily and he's extremely quick to rage. The smallest thing can make him tick. I could say something in a sarcastic tone, forget to do something, look at him the wrong way (if he even glances in my direction to notice) and it begins a night of ignoring and huffing and eventually a big blowout.*

He hits me. In a way that he finds funny and I find painful. I'm always spotted with bruises from "playing" but I don't find it funny. He's over a foot taller than me and outweighs me by over a hundred lbs. He's 6'6", and big, and he hurts me. And he knows that. But it's a game to him.

He raises his voice, not often, and only once boiled over and yelled at me. But that isn't where the abusive feeling I get stems from. It's the mental exhaustion that he brings me, and the inner war I'm always at with myself. I know that I have to love myself more than I love him, but my self-esteem has been crushed.

He "jokingly" insults me all of the time. Sometimes it's just plain mean. I can't recall the last time he gave me a compliment or showed me physical affection before I initiated it. He buys me material things but emotionally I am starved. Perhaps he's just immature and ignorant, or maybe he intentionally wrings me of all my energy and confidence so that he can have the pride of victimizing someone.

Am I crazy? Am I sensitive?*

And the loneliest moment of my day is falling asleep beside him. That's when I feel the most isolated and neglected.*
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Old 20th November 2012, 6:12 AM   #2
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You may not like this answer - but I am very, very serious!

Please leave this man and go home to your family.

He is abusive and you are naive and this situation will not improve. Nobody should have to deal with a relationship like this, least of all a 16 year old girl.

If your relationship is 'legal' (I assume it is since other adults in your family are aware of it), his treatment of you is not.

Contact a responsible adult and tell them what is going on. You are obviously sensible enough to realise that what he is doing is wrong so please get the help you need to stay safe. Apart from the emotional havoc he is currently causing, he is clearly also capable of violence and his painful 'playing' will only get worse.

You are in danger - please get out while you still can.
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Old 20th November 2012, 7:05 AM   #3
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You are in a bad situation for your age and for your future relationships......but mostly for you as a person and your emotional growth as a are going to regret staying with this guy for the length of time you have already....he is not for you...

you need your family and you feel isolated and neglected because at your age, you should have the love of your family around to keep you happy and emotionally nurtured

you are going to continue to be isolated and feel neglected as long as you stay with him....that's not even mentioning the manipulative behavior of the guy you are with or the controlling bruises in "play" he is leaving on your is a method of control to constantly hurt someone emotionally or physically....with emotional get beaten down by sadness and confusion blaming yourself and going to bed at the end of the day with no hope of tomorrow being any better...

you are so young so much that you can do in your life....let your family be there for you, guide you , help you, go home to them....and one day many years from now hopefully after you conquer the world or at least a netball game...;0) will meet someone who treats you with love and respect....dont stay a day longer where you don't get that love and will eat that soul of yours......hugs from me to you....go home think about maybe going back to school to get everything you deserve from life and eventually love.....lots of hope and wishes for you....deb

Last edited by todreaminblue; 20th November 2012 at 7:07 AM..
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Old 20th November 2012, 8:32 AM   #4
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Originally Posted by BrokenHead View Post
Am I crazy? Am I sensitive?*
No, you're in a very inequitable relationship, and the longer you stay in it the harder it's going to be on you when it finally ends. Which it will, because at some point either you're going to have enough of your boyfriend's behaviour or he will dump you in the most abusive manner he can think of. It's the way of the scorpion that just can't help itself.

Because he's 8 years older there's probably a part of you that thinks he must be in the right whatever he does, on account of him being an adult. It's very hard to break away from that kind of thinking. Especially if you're very isolated.

You haven't really mentioned what your family think of you living with him, but I should imagine there was some sort of big falling out over it, given your young age. Are you in a position to return home to your parents or to other family members? If you don't feel you are right now, then the next step is to begin that process of building a bridge back home to people you can trust.
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Old 1st January 2013, 7:10 AM   #5
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girl... you aren't happy and life is too short to be with someone who you are unhappy with- whether or not they are "older", more "mature", more "rich", etc than you- you deserve better.

get out and allow yourself to be happy AND safe.

and when you leave- keep in mind that in the future, even if a guy isn't abusive and you are still really unhappy(but not fleetingly unhappy)- you can always leave that unhappiness behind.

Also- many colleges offer psychological services for free and you may find that this will help you discover how to overcome the inner war that you are having with yourself and teach you how to trust your voice/heart/thoughts more.
g'luck girl! if you're not a girl- g'luck boy!
" There's hope. It doesn't cost a thing to smile, you don't have to pay to laugh." - India Arie

Last edited by shoesies05; 1st January 2013 at 7:13 AM..
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Old 1st January 2013, 8:01 AM   #6
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This is a path that you do not want to go down. My GF was abused as a child, and it has hurt her in more ways than i could imagine, it has hurt me as well. BUT believe me, there is one thing i now understand, and that is that if i saw this guy in person i would end his life, because he will continue to treat other women this way for the rest of his life unless something changes him. i would actually propose that you tell him why you are confused, and hurt,(in a safe, observed, place, with people who know what is going on around) either he will stay in his high place and leave, or he will actually realize, and the realtionship could go on to be great. best of luck to you!

-just know one thing, there are good men out there. i promise.
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