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Does a man love a woman he is abusing?


Krisha

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From my perspective, the question is a bit irrelevant. If someone abused me, it wouldn't really make a difference to me whether they supposedly 'loved' me or not. In that context, it's actions that count. From an analytical level, yes maybe they do have feelings of some kind of love but can't control their behaviour. But if I'm on the receiving end of that, it doesn't really matter.

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SouthernSunshine

I'll answer your question: In some sick way I believe he feels love for the woman he's abusing, but I think he doesn't know how to love. Sort of a contradiction... but yeah.. my abuser loved me even though it was a tiny light inside of him that I saw.. that he showed me.. it was there. The drugs ultimately won though. :(

 

I think the abuser either loves, but doesn't know how to love the right way... or he hates the woman he's abusing, because obsession is a form of hate.

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theBrokenMuse
Does the man love a woman he is abusing at all? What is a man thinking and feeling about a woman he is abusing?

A person may, in a twisted non-nonsensical way, love the person they abuse but what does it matter when their perspective of love is so sick?

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Does the man love a woman he is abusing at all? What is a man thinking and feeling about a woman he is abusing?

IMO, no. If I loved my gf/wife or even friends, I wouldn't abuse them.

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Abuse is about control. To feel entitled to controlling someone (or making them pay for it when they don't let you control them) you are taking away their identity as an individual and claiming their life. You don't see their right to being a separate person from yourself. They are an extension of you an should behave how you want. This is not love.

 

As well, some abusers don't need their target to simply not do what they want to cause them harm. Someone else pisses them off, makes them feel small or diminished so they seek out the target that makes them feel powerful and misdirect the shame and pain they feel over what someone else did to that extension of themselves - the person they abuse. This is not only not love, it is seriously buried and unexamined self loathing. And the last person they would want calling their attention to this would be the person they think they control.

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I was engaged to an abusive man. My relationship ended at the end of '08. In my own unclear way I believed that he loved me the best way as he knew or what he thought was the way to express love.

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Does the man love a woman he is abusing at all? What is a man thinking and feeling about a woman he is abusing?

 

Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his or her thumb. Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.

 

This excerpt came from the following site. It appears to encapsulate the "why" of abuse. There's also a 1-800 hotline to call if you're experiencing domestic violence.

 

http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

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it depends on the situation and the guy. For example, I know my ex loved me but he had a very distorted view of love and was/is a narcissist so he had little respect for women.

 

they are capable of love but they are sick and need help. get out of that relationship before you need help too

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it depends on the situation and the guy. For example, I know my ex loved me but he had a very distorted view of love and was/is a narcissist so he had little respect for women.

they are capable of love but they are sick and need help. get out of that relationship before you need help too

 

Is it even possible to love someone you don't respect?

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ConstantCraving
Does the man love a woman he is abusing at all? What is a man thinking and feeling about a woman he is abusing?

 

If he is abusing her then he doesn't love her at all. He's a control freak who sees her a resource to be used and exploited.

 

I know that's sick, but that's the abusers mentality.

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Feelin Frisky

A guy who abuses a woman doesn't know what love is and is acting out something else--obsession, control, power-assertion, ownership, none of which have anything to do with valuing who she is as a uniuque and free individual. Whatever he thinks he loves is not what she is--he loves the idea he believes her to be and then he tries to "make her" be what he either wants or thinks and/or punishes her for not being that. That's not love--not even in the same neighborhood. (More like total self-indulgence regardless of who the partner is).

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controlledchaos

check out the book, "why does he do that" by lundy bancroft. it gives good insight into the mind of abusive men.

 

and no, i don't think that abusive men LOVE the women they abuse. they can say they do, but abusive men say a lot of stuff......

 

for me, i always believed the "i love you"s. but, in reality you don't do those things to someone you love. whether it be words, actions, etc. my stbx confirmed my beliefs for me last year when he told me he didn't love me and couldn't remember the last time he had. in my head i knew he didn't. my heart didn't want to believe that. but his actions showed that he didn't love me, and barely even liked me as a person. the best way i can put it is that he tolerated me.

 

he treated me like that fly you are swatting away because it keeps buzzing around your head. you shoo it away until you get so tired of it you just swat it flat.

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A guy who abuses a woman doesn't know what love is and is acting out something else--obsession, control, power-assertion, ownership, none of which have anything to do with valuing who she is as a uniuque and free individual. Whatever he thinks he loves is not what she is--he loves the idea he believes her to be and then he tries to "make her" be what he either wants or thinks and/or punishes her for not being that. That's not love--not even in the same neighborhood. (More like total self-indulgence regardless of who the partner is).

 

Spot on.

I want to also add that his punishing her for not being what he tries to form her to be, that is deeply ingrained. He really feels slighted and seeks vengeance. - He somehow takes the failure as a reflection of himself, and glimpses of reality are seldom and don't last. These individuals are deranged and there is no talking sense into them. The don't love, they are addicted, and it is all about them in their dark mental landscape.

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From my perspective, the question is a bit irrelevant. If someone abused me, it wouldn't really make a difference to me whether they supposedly 'loved' me or not. In that context, it's actions that count. From an analytical level, yes maybe they do have feelings of some kind of love but can't control their behaviour. But if I'm on the receiving end of that, it doesn't really matter.

I agree. It shouldn't matter. It's not up to you to decipher a split personality and there should be no compassion there. Abusive actions nullify anything else because of the profound effect on the abused. Case closed.

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Dest and denise are right. What the abuser is feeling doesn't matter.

 

To be honest, even asking this question is affording the abuser too much respect, in my opinion. Who gives a crap what an abusive turd really feels?

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Breezy Trousers

I agree with everything everyone has said here. There's a difference between attachment and love. Abusers don't love. They attach.

 

I believe that the majority of abusive men suffer from personality disorders. (Yes, this is hotly contested among experts, but, in my view, if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it's probably a duck.)

 

The key characteristic of people with personality disorders is that they lack empathy.

 

If you cannot empathize, you cannot love.

 

Unfortunately, many with personality disorders can charm birds out of trees when they want to. They know how to hook their partners so they can continue getting narcissistic supply. This charm often appears as "love" to the partners. Unfortunately, the partners (usually highly empathetic people) project their own feelings of love onto the abuser and assume he's having the same experience. He's not.

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