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I was an emotion abuser in a relationship...and I didn't realize it until now.


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My girlfriend broke up with me 6 weeks ago. She told me that I really caused her stressed and in ways emotional abused her. I went no contact and I really really thought about all our fights and all the things I would do to her. And I was emotionally abusive to her. I wasn't all the time. I loved her, I really did. I feel terrible. I wasn't aware that I was causing harm to her during the relationship and I'm pissed that I realize what I did wrong when we broke up. Now I made her hate relationships and now she's hooking up. I feel like total ****. I sent her an apology letter acknowledging all the mistakes and she didn't forgive me. She hates me and is probably talking smack about me with her friends and her FWB.

 

I don't know what to do. We did have good in our relationship and I want her to look at this relationship in a positive light. It was both our first relationship and we were each others first love. How can I make her not hate me and this relationship? I'm not trying to get her back like I originally was planning.

 

And I know this is the "Abuse" forum where people talk about how they got abused. Please, don't make fun of me and call me names and stuff because I truly feel bad about everything I did and what I made her become.

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My girlfriend broke up with me 6 weeks ago. She told me that I really caused her stressed and in ways emotional abused her. I went no contact and I really really thought about all our fights and all the things I would do to her. And I was emotionally abusive to her. I wasn't all the time. I loved her, I really did. I feel terrible. I wasn't aware that I was causing harm to her during the relationship and I'm pissed that I realize what I did wrong when we broke up. Now I made her hate relationships and now she's hooking up. I feel like total ****. I sent her an apology letter acknowledging all the mistakes and she didn't forgive me. She hates me and is probably talking smack about me with her friends and her FWB.

 

I don't know what to do. We did have good in our relationship and I want her to look at this relationship in a positive light. It was both our first relationship and we were each others first love. How can I make her not hate me and this relationship? I'm not trying to get her back like I originally was planning.

 

And I know this is the "Abuse" forum where people talk about how they got abused. Please, don't make fun of me and call me names and stuff because I truly feel bad about everything I did and what I made her become.

 

 

What did you do that constitutes Emotional Abuse?

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What did you do that constitutes Emotional Abuse?

 

At times, I wasn't affectionate. I also had a trust issue with her and I sometimes got annoyed at small things she would do. Like she would playfully tickle me and I would get pissy and stuff. I also caused her more stress when she was already in enough (she had problems at home and is VERY smart and is in high classes in school). She wanted me to comfort her when she needed me and I couldn't. I did sometimes, but not all the time. I feel like ****. I wasn't aware of the damage I done because I had this mentally where I could do and say anything and she would love me no matter what I do. I wish I could go back in time, beat the crap out of the old me and just take his spot.

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At times, I wasn't affectionate. I also had a trust issue with her and I sometimes got annoyed at small things she would do. Like she would playfully tickle me and I would get pissy and stuff. I also caused her more stress when she was already in enough (she had problems at home and is VERY smart and is in high classes in school). She wanted me to comfort her when she needed me and I couldn't. I did sometimes, but not all the time. I feel like ****. I wasn't aware of the damage I done because I had this mentally where I could do and say anything and she would love me no matter what I do. I wish I could go back in time, beat the crap out of the old me and just take his spot.

 

You recognize what you did, the best you can do for her and yourself is learn from it and move on. You said your peace. You can't force her back. Look into couseling or talking to someone about your behavior so you don't repeat it again. You know what you should not do in thr future that is half the battle..

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You recognize what you did, the best you can do for her and yourself is learn from it and move on. You said your peace. You can't force her back. Look into couseling or talking to someone about your behavior so you don't repeat it again. You know what you should not do in thr future that is half the battle..

 

I learned a lot. All I want is for her to not hate me, our relationship, and relationships in general. She's hooking up and stuff now and i don't know...It's pretty much my fault that she's doing that.

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I learned a lot. All I want is for her to not hate me, our relationship, and relationships in general. She's hooking up and stuff now and i don't know...It's pretty much my fault that she's doing that.

Summer lady spoke most objectively mindwise. Use it to your advantage.

You are in NO way responsible for the actions of another person. Only your own. Sorry you seem to be wanting to think yourself capable of puppeteering the actions of your ex. You may have influenced her into behaving poorly as a *reactive* behavior but in no way do you get to claim guilt when she has chosen this action.

 

Each person has the right to decline an apology or accept it. Respect her choice at this time, that is also a character building trait and shows you can still learn from your own behavior and grow from it. Just a tip as a lady, we are SLOW to accept verbal apologies but eagerly quick to accept apologies with a change in that behavior or attitude.

Lighten up, empathy takes years to come to apply and a life time to master. You are in the stepping stone stages.

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At times, I wasn't affectionate. I also had a trust issue with her and I sometimes got annoyed at small things she would do. Like she would playfully tickle me and I would get pissy and stuff. I also caused her more stress when she was already in enough (she had problems at home and is VERY smart and is in high classes in school). She wanted me to comfort her when she needed me and I couldn't.

There is a HUGE difference between misguided or dysfunctional behaviour and abusive behaviour. What you are describing is NOT abusive behaviour.

 

Yes, she felt hurt, upset, frustrated, stressed, ignored, etc., but that does NOT automatically mean that she was abused. Such feelings are a normal part of being in relationship: Pretty much EVERYBODY in relationship will also experience those types of feelings as the result of the other person's words, actions and inactions. (Not just romantic but also with parents, siblings, friends, etc.)

 

You could, if you wanted to, claim to be lacking self-awareness, self-management and effective relationship and communication skills...but, based on what you've described, you cannot claim to have engaged in emotionally abusive behaviour. You did not do that.

 

To reiterate what Tayla said: Your ex is making her own decisions and choices about her current behaviours and lifestyle. She may be blaming you, but that does NOT mean that her blame is justified. She needs to take responsibility for her own stuff, and you need to let go of responsibility that does not rightly or appropriately belong to you.

 

Best of luck.

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What you described is not abuse. It's immaturity. Give yourself a break. And be grateful you're being open-minded enough to even give it thought; you'll make some girl very happy, having learned things like support and trust and harm.

 

If you want to learn how to treat a partner well, read His Needs Her Needs.

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