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How do I know if his anger issues will become more serious...?


temptris33

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My bf of 6 years has anger issues. Just a brief story. I'm just wondering if this is sometimes normal for people in long term relationships. If people have "bad days" like this.

 

My boyfriend and I were doing grocery shopping for my elderly parents. He walked away to look at the pastry shelf and mumbled something. I was focused on the list (which was long). I turned around to look at him and he said "COME HERE". I turned the cart around and went over there....well that wasnt the right thing to do..he grabbed the cart and snapped at me saying " Now I feel like an ass cuz I was looking at the damn things myself" and "you never listen to me". Ok, I let that one go and went on to the next aisle.

 

I was trying to focus on the shopping thing and try to get things from the aisles that we were in so we didnt have to go back and forth all over the store...just wanted to get done and get out of there...well, he made some comment on a copper pipe that was up on the ceiling or something........and I really didnt have a reply and he got really mad at me again....saying" You never reply to me when I talk"....thats a bit of an exageration...

 

ok, mind you, we are in the store and hes pissed again. I'm not one for a scene. We finally checked out. ON the way home I had made a mention of a friend of mine that his best friend had dated.....she had wanted me to maybe mention to his best friend that she was going to be at a certain place next weekend...just to give him heads up so he knew before he went...well, he took that as rude and said "YOUR NOT GONNA TELL HIM THAT ARE YOU"? I said probably not since I dont really see the guy that much....and he started to say how he hated her and I just let out a "wow" and he SCREAMED AT ME " YOU ALWAYS FUC***** INTERRUPT ME" he was beat red in the face and just screaming at me.

 

Got home and he grabbed his keys and went to his moms. We live together. He came back later and said sorry for being a jerk...and started to help me sweep some bark and stuff up...it had been only five min and He snapped at me again...I was shaking the tarp off and because of the noise it made I didnt hear him the first time he asked me if I wanted to keep these big pieces of bark..and I asked what and he replied really snappy and repeated the question...obviously very irritated.....

 

ok to cut this short. He came home and went to bed. He left at 5 am to work. Just said "bye" and walked out. I didn hear from him until he came home that night around 8pm.

 

This morning when everything seemed somewhat alright...he started his truck to warm up while the dogs were doing their businesss....and then they came running back to me to get their treat for pottying outside....well, he called his dog and she didnt come to him right away (shes 8 months old) he called her the second time...obviously shes a little distracted with my other dog....he comes over and grabs her by the back of the neck and lifts her up and drags her "shes trying to walk on her back legs...hes 6'3...shes crying the entire time and he throws her inside the truck and I heard her cry.....she does have a hip problem that he hasnt had checked yet.....

 

ok.....so there it is in a nut shell. I didnt do anything to provoke being talked to in such a way the other day. I feel like such an idiot/loser when he talks to me like that....he gets so irritated when you dont hear him the first time. he loses his temper so easily..

 

even my friends have told me that my self esteem is in the toilet. Im always walking on egg shells with this person.

 

Is it normal for people to go through this kind of behavior after being together for so long????Hes always had a short fuse...more so the past year.....

 

or is there red flags everywhere and I'm not seeing them

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No. Normal people do not become red in the face angry at their partners over simple things like grocery shopping.

 

His abuse of a puppy with a medical condition is violent and beyond alarming. Please dont allow this to continue. Please.

 

People that abuse animals so violently are common predators, preying on the helpless and weak.

 

It sounds as though his abuse is now being turned to you.

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Whoa. There are red flags everywhere and I think you do see them.

 

Why are you in this relationship?

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No, no, no.

This anger is irrational, unprovoked, unreasonable and controlling.

And those are just the good bits.

 

Reasoning with him in his current state of mind is impossible, so I think you need to get yourself out of there and away, until such a time as he agrees to Anger management and follows through.

But he would have to agree he has a problem, first.

Otherwise, you'll find that the time will come when you have a stupid clumsy accident and walk into a fist.....

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Hes always had a short fuse. He gets angry and punched cement walls...I wasnt there. He was at his shop. His place of business. ALthough the grocery store bit happened three days ago, he hasnt given me a hearfealt apology....he just kind of acts like nothing happened...and i dont want to drag it on although i am still mad about it. Hes still not being affectionate. I think he knows he was an ass and isnt sure about how to approach me with affection. Whatever. Let me give you another incident.

 

Two years ago his dad took his life and he found him....at the shop. It was Dec 12. So every year we go to Vegas for the Concrete show. I felt it was to soon after his dads death. The show is in January. So its been about a month. I chalk the entire thing on the death...maybe I shouldnt but I have no other reason I could think of for his behavior. Ok, so while in Vegas....he was drinking the first night there. I was trying to get him back to the hotel. We were on the strip walking back. He was stopping and saying maybe he should jump into traffic..he was standing at the edge of the curb. He was sooooooo drunk. So I had to urge him and push him to the hotel. Again he stops and leans against a wall saying to me really hateful....IF I WASNT WITH YOU FOR THANKSGIVING LAST YEAR I COULD HAVE BEEN WITH MY DAD"!!!! Ok both our parents live in same town....

 

So I finally got his drunk butt back to the hotel and into the room. He started yelling at me. Its about 230 am. He got all worked up. He threw my suitcase out into the hall and started pushing me out the door! He slammed the door on my arm. To this day I do not know what the hell I did! Anyways, I grabbed my suitcase, hailed a cab and left to the airport. Unfortunately there were no flights going out until later because it was so early in the morning. Ugh. I sat on a chair and was going to wait...then u know who shows up. He is on his knees saying how sorry he was and please please come back and yada yada.....since this was the first time something of that magnitude happened...and because of the recent death of his dad I just minimized the problem and chalked it up to being because he was going through something terrible....

 

Thats the major one where I actually got hurt. That was two years ago. So, hes gone through alot. But I dont know if thats normal behavior for that kind of stuff. Thats pretty tramatic to find your dad like that.....

 

Hes so stubborn I doubt he would ever get help. I dont even think he knows that he has a problem. He always finds a way to turn things around and make them my fault.

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He's exhibiting signs of being majorly depressed. Did he act like this before he found his father? Did he have anger issues before that?

 

It's unfortunate that he won't get any help, because this won't change on it's own. He may get better for a few weeks, but these things have a way of resurfacing.

 

What does he say when you confront him about his behavior?

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Yes hes always had anger issues like this. The Vegas thing I think was fueled from alcohol and obviously the recent passing of his dad.

 

He has always punched things and has always gotten irritated quickly.

 

When we had our big arguement three days ago I did tell him that he had issues. I really dont think he sees it. He thinks that he treats me well. HA! Oh, and he turned it around and said that I treat him like sh**. He knows better. I cook for him, clean, run my own business, do the yard work, chop the wood and stack it..make sure a fire is going so we dont pay high propane bills, and I usually find the time to send him an I love you text.....those are just a few things...oh and because hes having small financial issues with his business.....I have been paying 80 % of the bills this month on top of my own. He doesnt help me around the house. I do it all. Oh, he does take the trash when it accumulates a bit in the garage. SO he knows hes treated really really good and I dont understand how he can turn things around. He always does.

 

He comes home from work and goes straight back to the bedroom to watch tv. I have two kids....14 and 15. He doesnt even say hello to them. Hes always been like that. My kids are ok with it either way. Weve done things together like movies n stuff with them occasionaly but for the most part he ignores them and hangs out in the bedroom. Hes just always negative....

 

I could go on. I dont think he thinks that he has a problem.......

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Temptriss, you fill in and fill in the details, and provide info - but you're avoiding the issue....

What are you doing about this?

Exposing your kids to this kind of attitude instructs them that this behaviour is both acceptable and ok....

They may not be his kids, but they see how he is and how he treats you.

But hey, if mum's ok with this.....!

 

You have to bring an end to this, sooner rather than later.

Really, you do.

He needs you more than you need him.

 

He needs to stop blaming his past, and you for all his problems.

He has to accept and face he has probelms.

He has to do something concrete about them.

 

Given that by your own admission, this isn't going to happen any time, soon, I repeat my question:

 

What are you doing about this?

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Yes hes always had anger issues like this. The Vegas thing I think was fueled from alcohol and obviously the recent passing of his dad.

 

He has always punched things and has always gotten irritated quickly.

 

When we had our big arguement three days ago I did tell him that he had issues. I really dont think he sees it. He thinks that he treats me well. HA! Oh, and he turned it around and said that I treat him like sh**. He knows better. I cook for him, clean, run my own business, do the yard work, chop the wood and stack it..make sure a fire is going so we dont pay high propane bills, and I usually find the time to send him an I love you text.....those are just a few things...oh and because hes having small financial issues with his business.....I have been paying 80 % of the bills this month on top of my own. He doesnt help me around the house. I do it all. Oh, he does take the trash when it accumulates a bit in the garage. SO he knows hes treated really really good and I dont understand how he can turn things around. He always does.

 

He comes home from work and goes straight back to the bedroom to watch tv. I have two kids....14 and 15. He doesnt even say hello to them. Hes always been like that. My kids are ok with it either way. Weve done things together like movies n stuff with them occasionaly but for the most part he ignores them and hangs out in the bedroom. Hes just always negative....

 

I could go on. I dont think he thinks that he has a problem.......

 

 

 

If what you type is true he sounds like he needs his clocked cleaned and grow the hell up.

 

I grew up in hell during my child hood and I could easily be an as*h*le who treats women like crap and abuses animals but Im not. Why because Im not a victim who makes up excuses. If anything it showed me of what I would not become. Also drinking is no exuse

 

Also, if he us abusing that dog you better contact animal cruelty. Animals do not have the power or nor they deserve to live in that type of enviroment.

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I grew up in hell during my child hood and I could easily be an as*h*le who treats women like crap and abuses animals but Im not......

 

Oh, really? You do have a bit of an attitude problem, though....

 

Women are just self centered and think everything should be on their terms when it benefits them.

 

from this thread.....

 

I'm sorry you had a bad time of it. But I would respectfully suggest you calm yourself and address your attitude. Double-talk doesn't always go down well here.

Just a friendly word to the wise.....;)

 

And I do totally agree about the Humane Society..... :)

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You are right. What am I goimg to do about it......? The house that I am moving into wont be ready for 8 weeks. I'm going to keep the peace until then and get out on my own.

 

I do have a problem. I tend to minimize problems. If you read posts that I have posted in the past you would see EVERYTHING that I have delt with by being with this person. I've always logged on to you guys when times were tough.....and you make me feel better.

 

You take enough crap from someone and eventually the LOVE that you have for them starts falling by the curb.

 

I guess its just hard to walk away from six years. I guess theres a level of security in that. I just need to move on. I know this. I do have a stupid fear of being alone. That will be the hardest part.

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I'm still incredibly disturbed by how he treats his dog. No wonder his dog doesn't come to him when called... it's afraid of him!

 

I'd get out of this relationship as soon as possible- and I'd be taking both dogs.

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You may always love him, but it seems the bad is outweighing the good, he has major anger issues and that isn't going to get any better because that's who he is. He may be a nice guy once in a while but it's an effort to BE nice all the time for him..

 

Keep the peace and just count down the days till you're outta there.

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I guess its just hard to walk away from six years. I guess theres a level of security in that. I just need to move on. I know this. I do have a stupid fear of being alone. That will be the hardest part.

 

Temptriss, this is both extremely perceptive and wise of you.

 

because if you hang around much longer, this will become a 'dependency' on your part.

There is a payoff here. And the emotional payoff is that you believe somehow, psychologically that (one) he needs you, and (two) you can fix him.

Of course, consciously, you know both are ridiculous. But you start believing things and staying because you think you need to.

 

Ok, so bide your time and bite your tongue. But make quiet plans.

Can you trust your kids to keep quiet and syupport you?

At some point, ot would be good to include them in your intentions.

That does two things:

It prepares them and keeps them in the loop,

and it makes you going back on your decision, just a bit harder......

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Is there any way you could privately contact a local abuse organization/shelter and seek some advice and support? Have a friend or family member call for you if you are concerned your bf could discover what's going on. They can discuss with you how to prepare for your move, how to handle any situations that may arise after you leave this relationship and can refer you to counselors who deal with emotional and physical abuse.

 

The only thing I stress is that you and your children should never be alone or in non public place with him after you leave; no one can be certain what he is or isn't capable of.

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Oh, really? You do have a bit of an attitude problem, though....

 

from this thread.....

 

I'm sorry you had a bad time of it. But I would respectfully suggest you calm yourself and address your attitude. Double-talk doesn't always go down well here.

Just a friendly word to the wise.....;)

 

And I do totally agree about the Humane Society..... :)

 

 

Dont want to hijack this thread but what you see as attitude I see as calling women out as being hypocrites. I truly want women to be equal to men not just when it benefits them. Im all for women asking men out and I wouldnt care if my wife or girlfriend made more money than me. Im not a whiny man who has to be control over his woman. I want a woman to be my partner and equal.

 

Heres just one example

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2012532#post2012532

 

Who asked who? If you asked her, then it's proper etiquette to pay.

If she asked you- she should be thinking about paying. If you like her, and the date goes well, offer to pay regardless.

Don't stress about who is paying until after lunch is done. Just enjoy the date and see how she reacts when the bill comes

 

 

Double LOL

Yup, if it's a friend thing, split the bill.

If you're interested in a girl, a subtle way to let her know so is to pay the bill.

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I do get you, and I'm with you on that.

I just saw your "women are......" comment, as being a bit generalised. Some women, yes. Granted. but it just seemed to be a bit all embracing. Which is why I made the comment. That was all. :)

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You are right. What am I goimg to do about it......? The house that I am moving into wont be ready for 8 weeks. I'm going to keep the peace until then and get out on my own.

 

I do have a problem. I tend to minimize problems. If you read posts that I have posted in the past you would see EVERYTHING that I have delt with by being with this person. I've always logged on to you guys when times were tough.....and you make me feel better.

 

You take enough crap from someone and eventually the LOVE that you have for them starts falling by the curb.

 

I guess its just hard to walk away from six years. I guess theres a level of security in that. I just need to move on. I know this. I do have a stupid fear of being alone. That will be the hardest part.

 

 

 

Its false sense of security. Its better to be alone than be miseable with someone. Also love is not yelling, stress, being scared etc... Love is calm, comfortable, being at peace.

 

6 years is a long time and being alone is scary (Im alone myself) but being alone is also really invigorating. You have only yourself for reassuance, comfort,praise etc...You really get to know the real you and how you handle what life throws at you. This will make you a stronger person in the long run.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Your boyfriend sounds very similar to my husband.

 

The anger issues started out small (I didn't arrange the rugs right in the kitchen) and got bigger (he got mad when I couldn't keep our son asleep from the car to the house and then tossed him across the couch).

 

We are currently separated and my husband is going to counseling to deal with his anger issues. It took the counselor over a month to get him to realize that he has issues and needs to work on them.

 

He is going to counseling and starting to do the work, but I am honestly at the point where he has scarred me so much. I have been walking on eggshells in my own home for the last 3 years. I can not do anything right and I have totally lost control of my life.

 

Please don't let it get to the point where I am at. You start to feel worthless and believe the crap that they are spewing. Some of the stuff my husband has said to me after he loses it:

 

Well, if you did _________, then I wouldn't do _________.

 

That's just how I deal with things.

 

You take one issue and focus on it.

 

You are a drama queen, you don't have it so bad.

 

Please... get help for yourself and him before you end up getting married and put children in the middle of this.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I know its been awhile since someone posted...just checking in on ya to see how things are fairing.

 

Let me say a couple things that really stand out to me:

 

1. Sounds like there is some mental illness in his family. Anyone who kills themself is mentally ill. Whether it be depression or some of the more serious mental illnesses.

 

2. Sounds like he is suffering with it as well.

 

He needs help and if he won't get it you are probably going to have to leave. Don't subject yourself to that. It will wear you down and before you know it, you will be acting like him.

 

Please post and let us know how you are doing! Take care.

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..

 

even my friends have told me that my self esteem is in the toilet. Im always walking on egg shells with this person

 

There's your first red flag right there. NO one should feel thay should heve to walk on egg shells in a relationship. He's controlling you and your allowing it.

 

 

 

Is it normal for people to go through this kind of behavior after being together for so long???? Hes always had a short fuse...more so the past year.....

 

 

No. It's not normal. And coming from a person who lived in an emotionally abusive marriage I can tell you it just get's worse. Those public blow ups feed his insecurity and give him a sense of control. He need's to get help. And unless he is serious about it, and willing to see that his behavior is not acceptable then IMO you should get away from him. Why stick around and let your self esteem get dragged down even more. Take it from me.I lived it.

 

 

Mea:)

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  • 2 weeks later...
trainmanswife

I was in my relationship for 6 years. I got picked apart every 3 days for clearing my throat, or rolling over in bed, down to the amount of toilet paper I supposedly use....???... He's just like your man.... if he hasn't gotten violent with you yet, he will I can almost guarantee it. I was brutally beaten twice over the past 4 years, but have endured every form of mental and verbal abuse you can imagine. Accused of everything you can imagine. He has created scenarios about me in his mind that would boggle the mind. I too have given my entire life heart body soul mind love and loyalty to this man to the point where my friends think I am absolutely crazy. Most everyone dislikes him because they finally see the man behind the phony ass charm. I moved out. It was either that or eventually die. Get out. Get out. Get out. Guys like this do not change. They are habitual and repeat offenders and treat every relationship the same way. They rarely ever learn. My ex had anger management. Didn't do him one bit of good. Complete waste of time.

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