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Second thoughts....


coco_milkshake

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coco_milkshake

I am so mad at myself right now. I had the perfect chance yesterday to call SWA and arrange to leave after my final exam on the 26th. However, I couldnt muster the courage to do it. I cried the entire way home on the train cos I was so angry with myself.

 

I know that I cant live like this cos I am close to losing my mind but at the same time I just cant take the necessary steps to do something about it. My head is all over the place and its come to the point that I am so double minded I am close to going insane. I dont know what will motivate me to get out of there cos I genuinely do want to live my own life and not live the remainder of it full of regrets.

 

I am hurting right now cos I even had to push a friend away for a while to think clearly. I know that picking up a phone and calling the number is easy when saying it but actually going ahead with it is anything but. Going away from everything that is familiar to me is scaring me so badly but I know I aint happy here either.

 

My family are joking about my marriage a lot - arranged one and Im just smiling and nodding but inside its killing me. I know that if I voice my concerns about it or even say I dont want one I will probably get emotionally blackmailed into it. I had a talk with my mum about 2 years ago saying I did not want one and she agreed that it was my decision but now she is acting like that talk never happened. That is the only time we had a proper mother-daughter talk.

 

Im going out of my mind here cos either way, I am going to have to live with my decision and both are going to affect me for the rest of my life.

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InsanityImpaired

Can you think of ways of making it easier for yourself to make the call? It may be easier for you, when you have a close friend with you - so you have immediate and continuous support in person.

 

It is difficult to make the call - because of what is at stake. But I am confident that your friends, who know what is going on want to be there for you. And that they will support you in this decision.

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I know how you feel and what you're going through. Making that call can feel like the hardest thing you've ever done.

 

How do you do it? Stop thinking and just watch your fingers enter the numbers for the SWA. Like a dream.

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coco_milkshake

Hi InsanityImparied,

 

I dont have anyone who I can have with me when I make the call. The ones I considered close during my break up ended up stabbing me in the back. I have told a few friends from high school online but there is no way I can meet them cos I aint allowed out the house and cos they dont go to the same university as me.

 

The only people I have opened up to are you guys on LS as well as another site similar to this which I have left.

 

Craig - It is difficult not to think about it and I cant get it out of my head. Everytime I try and make the call my hands start to shake. I have been thinking about how I can get myself to just call but its so hard.

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Hi Coco,

 

I know how hard it is to leave. I am also trying to gain the will to leave my situation. You are certainly not alone. I am confident that when we both find the strength to leave, we will find our lives much improved.

 

One poster shared this article with me and I found it very helpful in understanding why it is so hard to leave and abusive situation:

http://www.drjoecarver.com/stockholm.html

 

 

Good luck!

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coco_milkshake

Thanks MoonGirl.

CardPlay3r has told me several times to read that as well as the loser article as well and I will. I have read your thread and I hope you get the courage to get out of there for the sake of your children. Good luck.

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Well you can either stay in a situation you don't want and have an arranged marriage OR leave and have the life you REALLY want.

 

When's the next time you can leave?

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Hi Coco,

 

Is there a counselor or therapist you can talk to at school or a shelter? Maybe he/she could help you find enough strength to leave.

 

My therapist and I have been talking about leaving my situation, and it has really helped me see more clearly...I am beginning to feel less guilty about leaving and am beginning to fear it less.

 

What is happening to you in your home is wrong. It is not your fault. You certainly deserve to be happy!

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coco_milkshake

Hi

 

I have been seeing my university counsellor for quite sometime now even though my family warned me that I am not allowed that type of help, I have been seeing him behind their backs.

 

He has been a tremendous help, often talking about my ex, the attitude my family have towards me, the cultural confilcts and the most popular topic - my mother.

 

I am going to call the SWA very soon now as the lady who initially handled my case is going to be back in Glasgow this week and she is determined to make my "escape plan" ready so I can get out without any hiccups.

 

Due to frustration and anger at both myself and my family I almost cut again on friday night which I have not done since October and Im glad I found the strength to resist it.

 

My sister who I hate with a passion came up this weekend and left today, the main reason I was not on LS yesterday cos I dont want her to discover this and read my threads.

 

It was fine and all until today just before she left. She asked me out of the blue if I drink alcohol to which I replied no cos that is the truth. She then accused me of lying. I asked her if she has already assumed this then why is she bothering to ask me. She replied that after what I have done (date my ex), drinking alcohol will be nothing to me. I just looked at her then said that I havent and my friends dont offer me cos they know that I dont drink. She then said "good" and walked out leaving me completely shocked and angry.

 

I cried afterwards, I felt like a total idiot. I dont know if mum got her to ask me or if it was all her but I know that I have done nothing wrong and that was completely unnecessary - I felt like she was searching for a fight.

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Hi

 

Due to frustration and anger at both myself and my family I almost cut again on friday night which I have not done since October and Im glad I found the strength to resist it.

 

My sister who I hate with a passion came up this weekend and left today, the main reason I was not on LS yesterday cos I dont want her to discover this and read my threads.

 

It was fine and all until today just before she left. She asked me out of the blue if I drink alcohol to which I replied no cos that is the truth. She then accused me of lying. I asked her if she has already assumed this then why is she bothering to ask me. She replied that after what I have done (date my ex), drinking alcohol will be nothing to me. I just looked at her then said that I havent and my friends dont offer me cos they know that I dont drink. She then said "good" and walked out leaving me completely shocked and angry.

 

I cried afterwards, I felt like a total idiot. I dont know if mum got her to ask me or if it was all her but I know that I have done nothing wrong and that was completely unnecessary - I felt like she was searching for a fight.

 

Glad you resisted cutting. I know its hard, but not doing it means you are getting stronger, so well done.

 

Well your sister sounds like a gem doesn't she? Talk about toxic. Well done for not rising to the bait.

Good move keeping LS secret from them. They don't need to know. I think your best bet is to bide your time till you make the call to SWA. Even if it means "playing" at being the model daughter/ sister, it will just give them less ammo to fire at you until you can get out of there.

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coco_milkshake

I have got stronger I will admit but there are times when I just break down. The temptation to cut has scared me and I am afraid I will go down the whole suicide/cutting phase again which I went through for 8 months.

 

My sister has done a lot worse than that believe me - she isnt a joy to be around but she is my mum's favourite cos they both share a similar personality, not to mention that she looks like my mum so mum has a soft spot for her.

 

Mum tends to show off in front of her and tries to find excuses for her to have a dig at me - she will deliberately look for an argument to make me look bad so they can both attack me. It backfired on mum last time and I saw a look of disappointment on mum's face which astonished me - either that or Im getting paranoid.

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Am feeling for you. You are doing really well in what is a very difficult situation.

I hope it works out in the end... You are a strong person.. I think it will. I have faith in you.

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coco_milkshake
Am feeling for you. You are doing really well in what is a very difficult situation.

I hope it works out in the end... You are a strong person.. I think it will. I have faith in you.

 

Thank you for having faith in me - Im glad one of us does lol. Im just doing my best to cope and the best way for me to do that is to look at the funny side of things. I try and take my mind off that stuff around me and focus on the stuff that makes me happy - Im glad I am doing this cos I wouldve ended up either in a psychiatric ward or dead.

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Coco,

 

I'm so proud of you that you were able to handle the confrontation with your sister and you didn't cut yourself. You are strong enough to realize that fighting and cutting won't help you right now.

 

I hope you gain enough strength to leave this week. You will certainly be in my thoughts. You deserve to be happy.

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coco_milkshake

Thanks MoonGirl,

 

your words are very comforting. I just could not be bothered with another argument and Ive experienced them since April last year and Im tired. The taunts are still there but not as much now but I guess Im not over the shock of what has happened to me these past 12 months. It just seems so unreal.

 

I have friends on the net who cheer me up and keep me happy and motivated and this site has been a tremendous help. So many caring people who take time out to read my threads and responding with kind and helpful advice is very touching. I honestly feel for the first time in a while that Im not alone. That there are people out there who want to listen to me and offer advice without passing judgement.

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Hi Coco,

 

I hope you're doing well today. Just wanted to drop a note and let you know that I am thinking of you.

 

Keep reminding yourself that the abuse you're dealing with is not your fault and that you deserve to be happy.

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coco_milkshake

Thank you MoonGirl *hugs* and Im so proud of you for taking that step, I wish I had your courage.

 

Well today was another chance to call SWA but again I backed out. I dont know...everything has been okay ever since the whole Christmas scenario and mum is being so nice to me. She wont let me do any housework cos of exams and things like that. Every time I had an exam (Ive had 2 so far) she would get up and get me to drink "amrit" which is Holy water to help me through my exams...Im stumped.

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Hi Coco,

 

All abusers have their good sides, and the abuse is usually cyclic. Right now your mum is being nice too you, but will it last? Likely not.

 

I know how you feel. When things seem to be going well, thoughts of leaving make you feel guilty. If you feel that you can't leave now, be sure to prepare to leave. If you have items that are valuable to you (like pictures), find a secret place for them away from home (security deposit box, good friend's house, etc).

 

This might help you understand why you're having trouble leaving (just like me):

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]In order to survive abuse, the victim usually does everything possible to avoid offending or upsetting the abuser. Most victims avoid asserting their own power. They especially avoid a show of power that might in any way be seen as a challenge to the abuser's power. In addition, in order to survive, they usually minimize the physical and mental harm to themselves. They bury their own resentments, needs, and pain, and stay intently focused on the needs of the abuser. Women trapped in domestic abuse are also generally very careful not to reveal the abuse to others in order to keep others from confronting the abuser and setting him off on another round of attacks. [/FONT][/COLOR][COLOR=black][/COLOR]

[FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]Escaping from abuse, on the other hand, generally requires the exact opposite strategy as that used for living under abuse. Escaping requires gathering your strengths and asserting your power against the abuser to the maximum extent possible. It requires focusing intently on your own needs while suspending your vigilance for the needs of the abuser. And it requires repeated and open telling of the details of the abuse to others so they can best be of help.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial] [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]It can be very difficult and very frightening to make this kind of a sudden shift in your behavior especially when you are exhausted, beaten down, and in terror. So the more you can rehearse yourself mentally for this shift, the better you'll be able to focus your energies when you need them.[/FONT]

[/FONT]

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coco_milkshake

That was a good read. I keep mentally preparing myself for this and I know the more I do this the stronger I will become. My cousins etc were looking at photo albums and I took the opportunity to take one album full of my childhood photos and kept them hidden in my room. I cant think of where I can put these things which I value AWAY from home as my mum walks in and out of my room freely and I never go in there when she is there. She will notice if things start to disappear.

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Coco,

 

Yes, your mum will probably notice if things disappear from your room. If your childhood photos are important to you, make up a story about how a professor has asked each student to bring childhood photos to class with them. You could then make copies of the photos that mean the most to you. You could also prepare a "get away" stash with all of the things you value most. You can put all of these things in one spot in your room, like in a drawer. Then, on the day you feel strong enough to leave, you will already have your things prepared.

 

Have you tried writing down what you want in life and what your goals are? I wrote down everything I want in life and how I think I can best achieve what I want. Of course, it turned out that none of my dreams will ever come true if I remain in my marriage. When I reread my writings, they remind me of what my husband has done to me and they keep me focused on why I need to leave.

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coco_milkshake

I know that I would love to travel and practice psychology abroad but that will never happen if I stay at home due to the norms and strictness of my family. The day I leave home will be as a bride in an arranged marriage which makes me sick to the pit of my stomach every time I visualise it.

 

There is more to life than marriage but in my culture its what its all about. The parents responsibility is to find suitable spouses for their children and this is particularly important for girls as guys can get away with living single.

 

I just want to live my life on my terms without having to live simple luxuries with the burden of marriage - when I ask if I can do something simple as getting a nice hair cut, "do it when you get married". What if my in-laws of my husband disapprove? It will be me living my life under everyone else's rules and I will never get to spoil myself or be able to live freely and happily.

 

That in itself has made me want to get out but its just the confidence of taking the first step and taking that leap of faith.

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Hi Coco,

 

Has anyone else in your family strayed from the norm? If you are the first, then I don't suppose you'll be the last.

 

I don't blame you for wanting to stray from your family's norm of arranged marriage.

Here's some UK help regarding forced marriage: http://www.fco.gov.uk/servlet/Front?pagename=OpenMarket/Xcelerate/ShowPage&c=Page&cid=1094234857863

 

http://www.lbp.police.uk/publications/dealing_with/introduction_to.htm

 

I hope that you are getting stronger!

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coco_milkshake

Hi MoonGirl

 

Yes there have been 3 that I know of in my extended family. On of my dad's cousin left home the year before I was born. I dont know the full details but I think she did have an arranged marriage but it didnt work out - Im not 100% sure on this bit. She was disowned and she married her white husband whom she has 3 children with. I never knew she existed until I turned 16 when she turned up at our house to pay her respects to my granddad after he passed away. It took her 21 years to get accepted by the family again cos she is getting invited to some of the family funtions. My parents didnt invite her to any of my sisters' weddings.

 

The second is my dad's cousin's son. He ran away at 16 to be with this girl who dumped him but he still stayed away from home but attended school. He has his own flat and is living with his gf whom he is very serious about and who is white. He is 35 but he stays away from family get-togethers cos he doesnt share their Indian views. He didnt know I existed until I met him on holiday in India and we both live in Glasgow. I'd been told to stay away from him by my mum during our trip cos he is a "bad influence".

 

The third is my dad's other cousin's daughter who married her Nigerian husband. There was a lot of conflicts over this but cos she has MS many acknowledged that hardly any Indian families wouldnt want her due to this and let her marry him. My gran was so distraught she didnt eat for days. I, on the other hand was soo pleased for her. If her parents had no problems who are we to say anything just because we have the same surname? When dad's cousin's wife came to invite us and congratulated my dad on her marriage my dad said nothing - he was not happy about it but didnt voice his opinion. She is now happily living in Nigeria and expecting her first child.

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coco_milkshake

My dad's other cousin's son married his White gf - his second wife. His first wife Jackie left him with his kids and won a court case for him never to see them cos she proved he did drugs. His second wife Janine has two kids with him. This is accepted cos he is lived at home with his parents and looked after them which is expected of a son in an Indian family. Talk about hypocrisy.

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The third is my dad's other cousin's daughter who married her Nigerian husband. There was a lot of conflicts over this but cos she has MS many acknowledged that hardly any Indian families wouldnt want her due to this and let her marry him. My gran was so distraught she didnt eat for days. I, on the other hand was soo pleased for her. If her parents had no problems who are we to say anything just because we have the same surname? When dad's cousin's wife came to invite us and congratulated my dad on her marriage my dad said nothing - he was not happy about it but didnt voice his opinion. She is now happily living in Nigeria and expecting her first child.

 

Whoa. I knew that your culture had problems accepting things outside the "norm" but not accepting MS????? Its not like she asked to have it!

Coco, I was really shocked! I have a disabled brother... does that mean he would be a second rate citizen??

Not going to get angry (takes deep breath).

Stay strong, moongirl ahs given you some good advice. Am off to to see :love: (BF!) so hope the weekend goes OK for you.

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