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Update about trying to leave abusive H


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Old 15th January 2007, 7:31 PM   #1
 
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Update about trying to leave abusive H

Hi all,

I am still married to and living with my abusive H. I know I have to move out, but am not finding the strength to do it. As most of you know, it is not as easy as it sounds to simply leave even if you know you should.

I also initiated "no contact" on Friday with my ex-boyfriend with whom I have been seeing a lot lately. I thought it would be most fair of me to work through my problems and move out before we take our relationship any farther (so far it is only emotional and not physical). I now feel like I am going mad. I suppose it's because he has been my support thus far. I haven't had any "therapy sessions" with him, but just nice normal conversations and outings to restaurants. I like being near him very much, and it is hard not talking to him, emailing him, etc.

As for my marriage, I have no love left for my H after what he has done to me over the years. Yet I stay. He has been VERY nice to me lately (I know, I know...it won't last), and I feel SO guilty about thinking about leaving him. I have gotten a lot of advice about leaving, but I just can't seem to do it. In the meantime, this wonderful wonderful nice respectful man is "waiting" for me to be free from my marriage so we can slowly get to know each other again.

I just don't know how to leave H. Why do I feel SO guilty about leaving someone who has been so mean to me?
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Old 15th January 2007, 9:10 PM   #2
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Pack your bags and leave...can you stay with your parents or a friend?

Don't feel guilty...
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Old 16th January 2007, 5:53 AM   #3
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Originally Posted by MoonGirl View Post
Hi all,
I just don't know how to leave H. Why do I feel SO guilty about leaving someone who has been so mean to me?
It's called stockholm syndrome... take a look at this

http://www.drjoecarver.com/stockholm.html
http://www.drjoecarver.com/loser.html

I think going NC with your friend was a really bad idea, you need support and encouragement right now cutting him off is just playing into your H's controlling ways...

Next time he hits you just call the police and press charges...

If you're worried about places to stay there are plenty of shelters out there..
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Old 16th January 2007, 8:43 AM   #4
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Hi Moongirl.

I can totally relate to what you mean. It's very confusing trying to make heads or tails of his newfound niceness. It makes you think 'hey things really aren't so bad. am i willing to break up my family? he has his good moments afterall.' But only you know if this genuine or if maybe he's gotten pretty good at bouncing his feelings off of yours. I found my exH to be the nicest when I was feeling strongest.

I think it's good to hear you went NC with the exBF. It's best to close one chapter in life before entering a new one IME. Maybe seek out a nearby women's center if you find you need someone to talk to. They will help you see things clearly and talk you through.

It is hard to leave an abuser. Even harder when children are involved. You have to know through and through that you're making the right decision. And even then you'll have doubt. It's only natural.

You sound so much like myself a few years back. It's a very confusing time. But think about this. Are you a good mother? Do you love your children so much that you would put up with your marriage if he were a good father? Would you sacrifice your own happiness for your children and stay with a man who would treat you badly if he was the best dad in the world? Of course you would. Now...is he a good dad? Is he kind and loving towards your children? Not sometimes but ALWAYS? Not when it's at his convenience but because they mean the world to him too? Does he put their needs above his own like you do? In every instance as a father should?

If he's not a good dad, if he's having a negative effect on your children, then staying there is most likely going to change who God intended them to be. And you will be to blame too for allowing them to remain in that environment.

I told you it took me months to plan for the day I left. Months. To make one day go smoothly.

The day that was moving day he and I woke up and went out on to the porch to have a cigarette. He went inside to get ready for work. The day had come. And I found myself even on that day questioning my decision. My thoughts went idle on me. I had to mentally tell myself AGAIN that I'm leaving. And I'd better get busy.

I guess I just want to let you know that it's going to be a battle. A mental battle. To keep yourself focused and to keep moving forward.

Just let the love that you have for your children and the love you have for yourself, the love you have all been neglected on receiving from this man, let all that love remain your focus and be your driving strength to help you move forward.

XO
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Old 16th January 2007, 11:57 AM   #5
 
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Thank you for your replies. Stockholm syndrome sounds like what I had and am overcoming. At this point, I am able to recognize what is wrong and I know what I need to do, and I no longer dislike those around me who are trying to help me get out of the situation I am in. A couple of years ago, I would have despised anyone who said anything negative about my situation, and, in fact, I lost a couple of good friends because they talked to me about how my H treated me.
Even though I know what I have to do, I am having a hard time with it.

Amaysngrace,
My H is sometimes a decent father, but never a good one. He mostly ignores the kids and has very little to do with taking care of them other than changing the occasional diaper (when I beg him to do it). Yet he is not nearly as abusive toward them as he is to me. I would say he is more neglectful than abusive toward the kids. He has slapped our daughter a few times, which I know is totally unacceptable. And he says mean things to our daughter often. But the kids both adore him. They run to him when he returns from work and they don't appear to fear him like I do. I guess kids almost always love their parents even if they are not the best parents. When I see how happy the kids are to see him it makes me doubt everything. I often think, "why do they love him so much when I hate him?" My lawyer and therapist both mentioned that the abuse toward the kids is likely low because I take care of all of the kids' needs and because the kids are still very small. They thought perhaps once the kids are bigger, more "human" and have their own ideas and opinions, the abuse will likely become more frequent. I'm not sure what to think.

Your idea about the women's center is good. I am also seeing a therapist every other week.

I have been planning on leaving. I have been looking at apartments. I could also stay with my parents, but I would rather be alone with my kids. Amaysgrace, did you move your things out before the day you actually moved out? I was thinking of renting an apartment and slowly moving my things. But I'm afraid I still wouldn't be able to go once most of my things were there waiting for me... H surely wouldn't notice me moving my things. He is oblivious to this kind of thing. He would only notice if I moved his stuff.
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Old 16th January 2007, 1:20 PM   #6
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MG, if location is the problem, don't worry about it, there are plenty of shelters that let you stay with your kids for free and for as long as you want. Just google "abuse shelters in your_area" or something like that...

Then you can have the police escort you to get the stuff from your house...

Probably best to do this now, as in leave as early as tomorrow to stay in an abuse shelter for a couple of weeks/months till you find a place of your own
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Old 16th January 2007, 1:27 PM   #7
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Moongirl, it is not unsual to feel guilty about wanting to leave. My ex used to make me feel guilty all the time. Even if we had an argument because of something he did, he would still make me feel guilty about it. When I moved out because of him nearly killing me, he still tried to make it my fault that we won't be a family.

I understand that you don't want to move in with your parents, either did I, but I did and it is not that bad. It is 100% better than living in an abusive environment. And you don't have to stay there forever, just long enough to get on your feet.

Truthfully, I know that you won't leave until you are completely ready. And I understand that as well. But, you have to keep in mind that the longer you wait, the more abuse you are going to endure and the more your children will have to see. Good luck to you.

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Old 16th January 2007, 2:11 PM   #8
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Amaysgrace, did you move your things out before the day you actually moved out? I was thinking of renting an apartment and slowly moving my things.
When I left I rented a furnished apartment. My lawyer suggested I get something temporary because he knew I wanted to buy a house. It was easy to rent a place for six weeks where I live. I left him in March and most houses don't get booked up until May. I live in a resort area at the seashore.

I rented a storage unit to store the stuff I wanted in. Big furniture and the kids big stuff. I didn't start moving things until the Saturday before I left. Most of it came from the kids' rooms and the attic. We moved out on a Tuesday. That's when I hauled the big stuff. I rented a conversion van at a car dealership. My brother helped me.

I think you will know when you're ready to go. It will get to a point where you realize you just can't take another day. And then you realize all your plans can happen now and then you ask yourself 'why am i still here?'
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Old 17th January 2007, 12:06 AM   #9
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A couple answers you already knew

Why do I feel SO guilty about leaving someone who has been so mean to me?
Because he plays you as a concert pianist plays his instrument. He can make you feel any ways he wants whenever he wants. He doesn't want you to leave, he gets off on making you feel how he wants you to feel and doing what he wants you to do. He doesn't love you, he loves you being his puppet, and he so doesn't want that to end. The question is, are you ready to be your own master now? I hope so, I am sad to see you treated so.

I just don't know how to leave H.
If you did, you would already be gone. You are in luck, however - leaving doesn't require any knowledge about how to leave, only the will to do so. The one thing I can say is that after you leave, there will be a day, soon, that will be better than any day you can remember in a long, long time. And they will only get better after that.
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Old 17th January 2007, 1:07 PM   #10
 
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Hi everyone,

Thank you for your posts. Fortunately for me, H was a monster this morning...he called me all sorts of names and laughed hysterically when my eyes began to tear up. Then I forgot to do something he wanted me to do (since I was upset), and I'm sure he's fuming now (I'm not at home). When he's fuming, it's not fun. He called me on my cell, but I didn't answer. At times like this morning it makes me motivated to leave (I can't take it much longer), but I still have all of my stuff in our house. A friend and I talked last night. I am going to look at an apartment with her tomorrow. Hopefully I will rent it and begin to move the things that are important to me. I know my H's behavior is cyclic. He is likely to be very nice to me tonight (damage control). I find myself unable to leave when he's being nice to me, but I can at least prepare myself to leave so when the abuse begins again I have somewhere to go where all of my things are. If I have everything in place, I can simply say "see ya later". I hope this will work for me because I just can't imagine going on like this for much longer. I can't just leave because he won't let me back in the house once I do, and I don't want to have to involve police escort. I a
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Old 17th January 2007, 1:13 PM   #11
 
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tweldy,

I meant to thank you for stating that leaving only requires the will to do so. You're definitely right. The problem is, even though I KNOW I should leave, my H has persuaded me to believe, at least on some level, that leaving will be the stupidest, most painful, and horrible thing I will ever do; it will destroy our family and I will regret it for the rest of my life. On some level I worry that he is right (even though I logically know he's not).
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Old 17th January 2007, 4:21 PM   #12
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Hi Moongirl.

Would you sacrifice your own happiness for your children and stay with a man who would treat you badly if he was the best dad in the world? Of course you would.
By him treating her badly he is indirectly a bad father by giving a bad example to his children in how a marriage works. No woman should put up with being treated like dirt or a punching bag, even if the father treats his kids well. Who says he still will later?
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Old 22nd January 2007, 11:35 AM   #13
 
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Update:
An apartment I formerly signed a month-to-month lease for for Feb (and then backed out due to guilt) is still open. I decided to go with it now. I am terrified to do it, but I think moving my things there will help give me the strength I need to finally leave.
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Old 22nd January 2007, 11:40 AM   #14
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Update:
An apartment I formerly signed a month-to-month lease for for Feb (and then backed out due to guilt) is still open. I decided to go with it now. I am terrified to do it, but I think moving my things there will help give me the strength I need to finally leave.
Good. I'm glad your doing something about this. Good for you.

Keep us posted. .
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Old 22nd January 2007, 1:03 PM   #15
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Wow thats awesome. Congrats and please dont back out!! Im rooting for you
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