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Old 20th April 2017, 9:27 PM   #1
Established Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 80
My experiences with

I shall preface this by being honest in yes, I am a member from a LONG TIME AGO. In fact, so long the email that was requested to obtain my old username and password doesn’t exist anymore (R.I.P Hotmail), but I was not banned so I have no issue being honest my old user name was TwinkletOes 26.
Well I initially stopped coming on this sight because in the midst of me looking for assistance and comfort regarding issues I was having finding a job (at the time I was a fresh-faced college kid who just graduated into a recession of 08-10) along with problems with my family more specifically my mother.
I was gas lighted constantly and told I was being a brat who was too lazy to find a job and move out and my mother was correct in treating me the way she was. Thankfully I now have a job (as a case worker), working on my doctorate (yah me), and my relationship although not perfect with her has improved (mainly because I moved out and far far away). Well I am now in a place where I can tell my truth as I see others have on here with their experiences here.
When I finished, my undergrad I was informed by the college administrators THROUGH NO FAULT OF MY OWN that there were TWO courses I needed to take before I could receive my diploma. These were courses I had to pay for out of my own pocket. Well not having a job paying over 1,000 per class was super steep. My mother at the time proceeded to sabotage my attempts to become independent contrary to popular belief I had no desire to “mooch off her and complain like entitled brat” (words that a certain member who I don’t know if they are still here liked to say constantly). I lived in a very rural area in the south with NO PUBLIC transportation. In fact, even today that place still has no means of public transport. So, one must have a car in order to get around and well I did not. My mother had a car but her rules were I could only drive with her in it (cool whatever it was her car). She also would do things like claim she was too sick to take me to interviews after agreeing to take me, follow me into interviews and try to take them over even asking the hiring manager questions, she even once followed me into a temp agency and feel asleep snoring loudly. Well even through all this I got a job anyway. Whelp she didn’t stop there …she once came TO MY JOB demanding to meet a guy I had only been seeing for a month with threats to scream and make a scene…guess how much respect my coworkers had for me. I have spoken with several people who work in the mental health field and they all say the same thing I was basically in an abusive relationship with my mother. Sabotaging your child’s independence is ABUSIVE.
I have since worked several jobs and have moved around. I completed my masters degree now I am working on my doctorate. My mother got older and realized the error of her behavior (moving to another state for three years helped I’m sure) and has mellowed. We made amends and I agreed to move back in (even though I didn’t have to) in order to help her out (not financially but with stuff like getting around running errands).

I say all that to say this …when one is giving advice people should be careful how we treat others. Thankfully I was strong even though I was very depressed and the unkind words said to me in this forum were not very helpful. Gas lighting and victim blaming were common back when I posted a lot. People were downright hurtful. I contacted the moderator at the time and felt like my concerns were dismissed as just “drama”. I in no way want to bash this site I did meet a few good people on here and I did enjoy giving helpful advice. I just think that people during that time confused “constructive criticism” with blaming the victim, derailing, gaslighting, and just plain rudeness. Remember not everything is as it seems and it is super easy to judge when you have never been in that situation. The main people who harped on me I noticed lived in heavily populated areas with easy access to public transportation. I often think when giving advice I quote my baby cousin “speak on what you know” …

My point is not to bash but to tell my truth with hopes that whomever the admins are now take my story and keep in mind that there are people on this forum that are hurting and in abusive situations you shouldn’t make it worse by being insensitive. I’m sure there will be backlash for this and its ok I’m a strong woman of 35(I was 26 at the time all this was happening) I’ve been through much worse and I can take it. I would love to stay if allowed to give advice to others but if this post is cause for my ousting then so be it. I cannot come back to this community and not be honest with myself and others.
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Old 20th April 2017, 10:11 PM   #2
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: California
Posts: 199
A lot of people post on these forums based on passive aggression and projecting their own issues onto others. I highly doubt many (if any) on here are therapists or trained to talk to people. That's why you have to take the advice you want and leave the rest. If I had a dollar for every bad piece of advice given on here I'd be a billionaire. With that said, there are people who genuinely like to help others
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Old 20th April 2017, 10:40 PM   #3
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 80
True that the worst advice I got from someone on here is I was told to WALK to find a job...again lived in a rural area so the nearest area to find a job was 30 mins driving distance a full day of walking maybe a day and a half. I also am 5'1 105 now(thank you steak n shake ) but then I was literally 100 lbs so id be a kidnappers dream not to mention there are various wild animals running around. When I explained this I was then told I was just making up excuses. I was told to call my friends who couldnt find jobs themselves and lived TWO HOURS AWAY all my highschool friends had their own families to take care of. My family is estranged from one another(not my fault my grandmother caused a lot of family division). I was lucky to make it through but i could not believe the vitriol heaped on me. I see the rules have changed a bit here so Im hoping things have improved. I actually got more "help" from a nerd group on facebook. I am super thankful they were there for me ..without judgement.
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Old 20th April 2017, 10:43 PM   #4 Moderator Moderator
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Greener pastures
Posts: 4,693
I checked up on things and that account was last used in 2013 and the vast majority of threads it started, 119 in total, were reports to moderation, primarily when Tony, now retired, was the only moderator here. The last report, in 2013, when the new moderators had taken over, resulted in an edited post. I didn't see anything since.

There are now six moderators and far more comprehensive rules. Will there still be poor advice and rude people? Sure! It's the internet and is an open forum where stuff gets posted and only after can moderation review it, generally after member reports but also by scanning suspect threads.

I looked at your last thread and noted that a number of members who posted in it are now banned, most of them by me. House cleaning, if you will.

As an established member in good standing, you are allowed a duplicate account so make this one it and feel free to use it as you choose here.

Thanks for the feedback and have a pleasant evening.
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Old 20th April 2017, 11:02 PM   #5
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 80


Thank you for responding. I am glad those that were so hurtful have bee removed not so much for my sake(like i said im strong and training to be a therapist myself so i can take it) but for others. I in no way wanted to bash because I see things have changed and clearly for the better. Thank you for allowing me to stay and I shall do my best to help others .....
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