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Why Are People So Abusive? [update]


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Old 8th January 2019, 6:30 PM   #136
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People tell it is as it is here. Iíve seen fair treatment in my short term here. I appreciate the honesty and sympathy people have given on these boards. I wouldnít want someone to lie to me and go repeat the same mistakes.
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Old 8th January 2019, 6:35 PM   #137
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I feel most comments on LS, even when it hurts to hear, are super reasonable. Even when you get opposing ideas on the same thread

I can tell when I read threads posted by other people, I agree with almost all responses. But in truth, when it's a thread started by me, some people trigger me. And that's when I realize comparing the two situations above, that when people trigger me, it's usually a me problem, and not people's inputs. It's hard to hear the truth, but it's worth it.

I think the posts you're describing might have to do with that.
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Old 9th January 2019, 5:48 AM   #138
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I agree with the posters above. Sometimes comments can be blunt and "too honest" but is this a bad thing? Often we tell people what they need to hear, not what they want to hear. Always be helpful and respectful, but don't wrap in cotton wool.

The different forum categories have different tones, too. If you post on breaking up forum you'll get no-holds-barred advice. If you post on separation and divorce you'll get practical advice. If you post on coping, you'll get more sympathy and support.
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Old 9th January 2019, 6:56 AM   #139
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Originally Posted by PegNosePete View Post
The different forum categories have different tones, too. If you post on breaking up forum you'll get no-holds-barred advice. If you post on separation and divorce you'll get practical advice. If you post on coping, you'll get more sympathy and support.
Ohhh.... I should take more notice of which forum a post has been placed in
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Old 9th January 2019, 11:07 AM   #140
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I have not seen any of that here.
There are times here when such comments would be totally applicable.
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Old 9th January 2019, 8:39 PM   #141
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I am not so sure... I didn't find much comfort and support. Someone gets the nerve up to post their story and then people want to respond with what they think is wrong with you and/or how you need therapy. They need to know why? When did it first happen? I guess having over 10,000 post qualifies a person... but I don't know. I went to bed last night regretting my post.
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Old 9th January 2019, 11:39 PM   #142
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I actually agree with the OP. My first time posting here was after a nasty break up 6 years ago and someone commented to me that I was "pathetic, pathetic, pathetic." The moderators deleted it but the sting remained. Another told me to get off the train wreck that is my life. Recently someone asked if I had a sponsor, which I found grossly inappropriate and condescending. Do these people get a satisfaction in saying such harsh words? The moderators try to keep things civil around here but they definitely favor some commentators over others. But I digress. The truth is we come here to vent and sort things out. We don't expect total sugar coating but an empathic ear and some perspective is nice. Recently I had a bad experience with my topic that I probably won't post a topic again.

And I hadn't realized you get different tones in different categories.
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Old 10th January 2019, 12:05 AM   #143
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Originally Posted by PegNosePete View Post
I agree with the posters above. Sometimes comments can be blunt and "too honest" but is this a bad thing? Often we tell people what they need to hear, not what they want to hear. Always be helpful and respectful, but don't wrap in cotton wool.

The different forum categories have different tones, too. If you post on breaking up forum you'll get no-holds-barred advice. If you post on separation and divorce you'll get practical advice. If you post on coping, you'll get more sympathy and support.
I see, different tones for different categories makes sense. The Breakup section should require a lot of sensitivity though, when it's fresh it's an emotional period, not a rational one.

It's very easy to push a heartbroken person over the edge, so we should all be careful with our advice when the wound is fresh.
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Old 10th January 2019, 1:11 PM   #144
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I have not seen any of that here.
Then read some of the advice given to me lol
I've had people come at me, and even go a step further making up stories about me in their own minds like crazy people. Sometimes it passes from tough love to flat out cruelty and judgmentalism. One poster in particular seemed mentally unstable.

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Old 11th January 2019, 2:12 PM   #145
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It's been proven that with the anonymity as well as distance on the internet, whether it's forums, online comments sections, even people speaking on FB to people they kinda know, people tend to be a lot bolder, more harsh and less empathetic than they might be in person or with people they know. I think that's often why that happens. People are often quicker to just respond for responding's sake or their own ego and sometimes not with empathy or with a true desire to help.

Fortunately, I do think many people do respond with empathy here and from their own experiences. But you'll still have more brash or dismissive comments or plain comments where it seems people didn't even bother to read the post at all and just had a response on their chest ready to spew out regardless.
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Old 12th January 2019, 7:28 PM   #146
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Yeah, some people arenít empathetic when it comes to break ups. Maybe they donít care what they say
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Old 12th April 2019, 2:25 AM   #147
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Red face A member exchange

I was told by a member not to long ago as a response to my posting about people needing to have empathy for others especially in a group like this that "That is why smart people dont seek advice from an online forum" ... I have two questions :


1. If this is the case then why should this group exist?(asking in a sarcastic tone of course because this was clearly a way to dismiss what I was saying)

2. Why would a person who thinks people seeking advice online are "not smart" would be in this group?

3. Why is the talk of having empathy in an advice group met with such hostility?
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Old 14th April 2019, 10:20 AM   #148
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3. Why is the talk of having empathy in an advice group met with such hostility?
Because, to use twitterspeak, some people "weaponise" empathy. Maybe introducing rules against jokes, normal teasing and so on to promote a safe and empathic environment that's so restrictive and controlling that it'll alienate the healthy mainstream and attract trolls. I'm not saying empathy is a bad thing. It's a normal human trait, but empathic people are often easily manipulated by others. Often by others who claim to be highly empathic, but who are actually quite selfish and calculating and who use the notion of empathy as a kind of rod to beat and control others with. If you don't jump to their tune, or if you dare to lay a boundary down about how much you're prepared to do for them, they'll accuse you of lacking empathy.

I don't think that's an uncommon thing at all. Most people I know have had a person or people like that in their life at some point. People who feel some special sense of entitlement to others' time and energy and are good at manipulating and guilt tripping them.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/a...e-empathy-trap

A manipulator can lure you in with lots of positive, ego boosting commentary about what a lovely, empathic person you are. But the moment you lay down a boundary, you're the most callous person they ever encountered.

That could be one answer to the question of why somebody would react with hostility to you calling for more empathy. Maybe they've had a bad experience that involved falling into 'the empathy trap' and therefore think that you're using the word in an attempt to control or manipulate their behaviour, even if you're not.
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Old 21st April 2019, 5:40 PM   #149
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I could be way off here, but this is a privately run site, set up to make money. Whatever rules to owner/admins set is up to them. It's not a public service.
If people find it too harsh, they can also add an addendum to their post that indicates they are in a really bad place and need some TLC and a shoulder to cry on. Others are angry and looking for confrontation, etc.

If the sites owner ever decides to make a change, I would suggest creating a "no holds barred" section of the forum where people can speak freely. That way, if people are in a really bad place they can get support and encouragement, while someone who is really angry and needing to vent could go to the "no holds barred" section. I'm in a forum like that. It works well. The "newbies" are restricted in which sections they can read, and there are specific "anything goes" threads as well.
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Old 21st April 2019, 8:32 PM   #150
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I give empathy where it's warranted. However when someone is arrogant, conceited, rude about others or generally just a knob, bringing them back down to earth is part of my culture.
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