Who's more clingy?

[CrazyJazy]

People always say that girls are the most clingy right? and i'll admit that i can be clingy sometimes.....but i've found that my bf can be increadably clingy without even realising it :S

 

if i ever need to spend time with my family, he gets clingy, so i invite him to join and everything tends to go okay as long as i give him a certain amount of attention lol.

 

but, (he's from argentina, so his familie's friends are all more comfortable speaking spanish, and i'm still learning) whenever he has family round and stuff, he gets upset if i don't join him....so i always join him (coz the friends are really nice ) but they mostly speak in spanish and sometimes he just leaves me on my own with it all.

 

it just feels like, if he says he needs to be without me, it's perfectly fine, if I need to be on my own, or spend time with family, even if i invite him to come he still gets all upset like i'm ignoring him.

 

i wanna ask, is it normal for guys to be this clingy? is there any way i can be on my own without hurting his feelings? and why is he just generally less patient with things than me?

[Citizen Erased]

I remember my ex was like this. I am the type of person whom likes their space, I am very affectionate but I need some alone time as well. He in the end drove me nuts and I broke up with him for someone whom is perfect for me.

 

I really hate when I hear that the woman is always the clingy one, cries etc, always wants hugs, is jealous etc. It is so not true! Spend two years with a male whom does the above and that myth is gone from your mind forever!

 

I feel your pain honey. Have a frank talk with him, reassure him about your relationship (as I am sure it stems from fear of the stability of your relationship) and try to get to the bottom of this before it becomes unbearable for you. I probably would have ended up marrying my ex, but he was too possessive and jealous that it could never work.

[Outcast]

It's not a matter of which gender. It's a matter of which individual.

[monkey00]

as outcast said it, it's the individual.

 

Such factors that come into play is insecurity, lack of social life outside of relationship, lack of independence/individuality, low self esteem.

[CrazyJazy]

well, we share the same group of friends, and i've thought about asking one of our friends to ask him round more, but he's kinda tied up most of the time so it'd be difficult.

 

plus, i've going to a college next year thts not close by so the different hours and long bus ride will mean i can see him less anyway.......and i kinda figure this might help things once he gets used to it,but it might not because he'll want to spend every OTHER second with me :S

 

do u think it's important i get him into a habit of hanging out with his friends?

[Walk]

My exH was like this! I couldn't go to my parents house without him or he'd pout and throw a friggin' fit. But he'd want me to go see his family and then jsut wander off... Hated it. If I wanted to do something and he didn't, then he'd whine and cry til he got his way. If I didn't let him get his way, then he'd act grumpy and pissy the entire time we were doing what I wanted. I'd end up hating it so much that I'd just quit and go home so he'd stop being such a whiney brat.

 

I took up jogging just to get time alone. He'd pout and make me feel guilty for going out with my friends or seeing my parents. He'd always go to the hardware store for fun. He loved that place. And I got sick of wandering around behind him as he (for the millionth time) looked at power tools we couldn't afford. So I finally told him I didn't want to go, and he got upset about it. Got all moody and begged and begged. Like he couldn't go by himself?

 

I HATED it. I felt suffocated. I started getting up at 5am just to get an hours peace without him clinging on me. Started jogging 6-10 miles 3x a week because it was the only activity he wouldn't partake in. Even then.. toward the end of our marriage he decided he wanted to start running with me, which ticked me off. It was the last thing that was all mine, and suddenly he wanted in on that too.

 

whoa.. I'm gonna stop now.. it still pisses me off thinking about it. haha

[burning 4 revenge]

crazy jazy, a big part of what you describe may be cultural.

 

i'm latin and that part about always going to family events together seems very typical, nothing to worry about. latins are very big on family and i think that's to their credit.

 

walk, your x was co-dependant

[Outcast]

Walk, do you not see similarities between the ex and this new guy? Same type of punishing you by sulking, etc.???

[CrazyJazy]

well, i feel that spending time with family is really important, and so does he, but unlike when i can just sit there and wait while he spends time wit his fam, he gets all clingy when i spend time with mine, even when he's there....like, he doesn't want me to not pay attention to him

 

he doesn't make it obvious, but i can tell coz he just gets sorta down when he has to be on his own :S

[john1776]

I think that clinginess is a relative notion. It depends on the two people involved. Clinginess exists only if one partner wants more time together and the other partner wants more space.

 

For example if two people who are in a long term relationship are calling each other 5 times a day and seeing each other everyday that's not clingy. Why? because both partners are happy with this kind of arrangement.

 

Clinginess comes into play when one partner calls 5 times a day and the other partner finds it annoying. But if both partners are happy to hear from each other that often then there's nothing wrong with it. Seeing each other everyday is ok as long as both partners are happy to see each other that often.

 

I think it's a good idea for both partners to sit down and have a talk about how often they want to keep in contact whether it's by phone, text messages, visits, IMs, etc. That way you'll have a pretty good idea as to what your partner finds clingy. You'll know what's comfortable for the both of you.

 

In my situation I limited my calls to twice a week for a little while. I have since increased my calls to 4 times a week since my gf has been good about calling every night or every other night. As long as she's happy to hear from me and as long as she's calling me at least the same number of times that I call her then I will slowly increase the calls. I see her once every 1-2 weeks. If she has a legitimate need for my presence for emotional support or whatever then I will see her more often. On the other hand if I sense that she's pulling back from me then I pull farther back in return until she comes to me again.

[monkey00]

do u think it's important i get him into a habit of hanging out with his friends?

 

it's always important to have hobbies/activities outside of the relationship. it's not your choice to make on what he does or doesnt do with his friends for that matter, but to suggest it is possible.

 

clinginess can also be due to one's upbringing, but as i mentioned before clinginess is a manifestation of those following factors.