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a messy situation

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Old 28th June 2006, 1:18 PM   #1
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Northern California
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a messy situation

I have been with my boyfriend for just over two years. We are young (early 20), but that has not kept us from loving each other and appreciating each other and wanting to be with each other.
I have trust issues because of past boyfriends, or just because I can not seem to overcome them. My boyfriend has never given me reason to doubt his loyalty to me- nonetheless I always find myself wondering. He did not have many girlfriends prior to me, and I am constantly worried that he is going to get "bored" or feel an urge to date or have sex with more women before he "settles down."
Not that I want to! Neither one of us wants to get married until around 25-26. I suppose this isn;t the point!
The point is- that about a year ago I was using his computer while he showered and went to log into my myspace, but it accidentally went to his. He had told me he didn't have one, and lo and behold there were several girls from a college town that he visits when he goes to see his friend. We talked about it, and he was just chatting with the girl to get a different perspective on college life (we attend JC in our hometown and feel we are missing out, you know?). He didn't want to tell me, because he didn't want me to freak out or worry.
So I "snooped" but only accidentally!
Now just this week I have had frequent access to his computer. I didn't want to, but I logged into his account.. looked through his messages (only to find my worries were unjustified.. the girl had messaged him several times in the past few months- but he never returned the messages), and than quickly turned it off.
I did not go through his computer, or do anything else (emails, etc). Just the myspace.
But I still feel/felt horrible. I love him, and I try to trust him. It feels more like I have my own trust issues that are very difficult to resolve in the face of uncertainty regarding a relationship. We do not know if we will get married. I want to, someday, or at least have the possiblity. But he is just so young (so am i!) and he has not experienced many things with girls, and we have had very open conversations about this. It is emotional, because he loves me compeltely but has this underlying unhappiness because of being in a relationship at this age.
So my confidence level is not where it could be. I constantly freak out in my head about him not wanting to be with me, or only staying with me because he doesn't have the guts to leave me (meaning- he loves me but knows he needs osmething else in life right now). I know that eventually something will have to change, whether it is his ability to committ, or our relationship.
But in the meantime. I feel/felt godawful about snooping. It was a craving. I felt I needed too. That if I didn;t I would think about whether he was talkig to other girls forever. I was shaking and almost crying when I did it. I hated it afterwards and wished and hoped and prayed to take it back.
But you can never take things back- and he figured out I had been snooping.
He is not the most understanding individual when it comes to his privacy (another reason why I worry.. why does he freak so bad if he isn;t hiding something? I know this logic is flawed- but it floats to mind anyway!) and I knwo he is very very mad.
I don't know what to say to him. I usually try to weasel out of problems by fighting with him to prove my point. There are two sides to every story and he never seems to care. He knows he is right (so do i) , snooping is wrong, and refuses to feel sympathy towards any other thought processes or emotions. Which in a way is good, it keeps me honest. But it also makes me defensive because I feel like there is at least a reason I snooped.. which he is ignoring.
I just want to be happy. I love him dearly. He loves me dearly. We get along great together- better than anyone I have ever met. But what is wrong with me??!?!??! MOst of this is my fault- I can't get past my own insecurities.. does that ever go away???? does anything help?
I want to be a great girlfriend who trusts and can joke about his female coworkers without acutally worrying. I want to be a good person.. I want to grow up and be secure and confident in my like-ability.
does anyone have anything to say in regards to all this? I am sort of freaking out now because of him finding out about me snooping. I am very relieved, but terrified and I do not know what to say, how to say it, when to say it.
Should I take this opportunity to break up with him, so that he can live his life without a girlfriend? Am I being completely selfish?!?!
help me!
As certain dark things are loved...
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