sweetmind20 Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 Only seven months into my marriage, and things are going down. Disturbing traits have started to emerge from my partner. -He has disappeared at night before, leaving his car in the driveway and his keys in the house- I was calling everyone i knew to help me find him. we searched all night for him- he was hiding in the upstairs closet the whole time. - He makes me account for every penny I spend and constantly tells me, "You don't need that"! sometimes over something as small as a candy bar - My dog was annoying him by whining.. so he put his hands on his throat so he couldn't breathe- I cried at him to let him go -always angry and yelling at me -blames me for everything and says the reason we have problems in our marriage is because I don't clean the house well enough These are but a few things and I am starting to get worn down, day by day. It's so diffcult to put things into perspective when he is saying I'm being dramatic and that I don't know what I'm talking about. Any opinions would be more helpful than you know. Are these above red flags or am I just overreacting? Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 You're not overreacting at all and, yes, he's abusive. He also sounds as if he might have borderline personality disorder but even if he doesn't, he's cruel and controlling. All abusers will blame what they do on their victim every time. It's a control issue with them and they can't stand to be in the wrong. The way he treated your dog is the way he'll treat you soon enough. I'd insist he get help in the form of counseling and anger management or, when he likely refuses to (remember, he's never wrong), I'd leave before he really turns on you. Let me guess. He's also in the process of alienating and/or isolating you from family and friends, right? Take care of yourself because, clearly, he's not going to. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 http://www.turningpointservices.org/Domestic%20Violence%20-%20Power%20and%20Control%20Wheel.htm Pay attention to using intimidation..and minimizing,denying, blaming You might also click up to http://www.turningpointservices.org/domesticviolence.htm Link to post Share on other sites
Delectable Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 You know...without us even having to tell you. Please...don't think about his motives or how you are going to solve this...JUST GO AND TALK TO A PROFESSIONAL IMMEDIATELY. He/she will help you see the way. I was horribly abused in a relationship once...seriously abused and this post brought me right back there...I'm not trying to make this about me what I am trying to say is this is REAL. Link to post Share on other sites
cal gal Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 You're not overreacting at all and, yes, he's abusive. He also sounds as if he might have borderline personality disorder but even if he doesn't, he's cruel and controlling. All abusers will blame what they do on their victim every time. It's a control issue with them and they can't stand to be in the wrong. The way he treated your dog is the way he'll treat you soon enough. I'd insist he get help in the form of counseling and anger management or, when he likely refuses to (remember, he's never wrong), I'd leave before he really turns on you. Let me guess. He's also in the process of alienating and/or isolating you from family and friends, right? Take care of yourself because, clearly, he's not going to. Honey - Listen to the Lion= C Man - He is very wise and a very kind soul. He has said all (or most of) the things that went through my head. On several issues that you pointed out - my husband did the same things to me. Mind you, I am a very strong woman and personality. He was STILL overbearing. He left me a list of things to be done every morning and I was so happy to oblige because I love to please and have a purpose through the day. But - if certain things weren't perfect - then he would be so mad and even make my kids feel the misery. FYI - You cannot make or even pretend to try to make this personality happy unless he gets a lot of help. Yes, it is abusive. No matter how perfect the house was cleaned, how great the meal was, how amazing;y beautiful I looked (or even our kids) he ALWAYS would find SOMETHING to criticize and be unhappy about. It really is a relief to be away from his controlling and abusive nature. Our house is still spotless every day, however if the oven hasn't been cleaned or new flowers planted in the yard, nobody is going to try to make me feel badly about it! He would have.... Twenty years honey, do you want your life to be that? My boys are so much happier (teenagers) and feel a great sense of relief and they have protected me from my husband in ways that I would never want a child to need to. However, I am so proud of their strength, conviction and ability to be happy. I would never ask anything of them except that they love their father as much as they want to - and spend as much time with him as they want. Life is hard when someone has had a hold on you for that long. Yes, I will always love him, in a lot of ways he was amazing (they know they need to be). The freedom without him here on a daily basis is unsurmountable! RUN HONEY! I wish someone had told me 24 years ago..... XO Link to post Share on other sites
magda Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 Abuse, yes. Sounds pretty psycho to me. Be glad you're finding out now before he does some serious damage. Link to post Share on other sites
JayKay Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 Sounds like he has the hallmark traits of an abuser; * Blaming you for the marriage problems (rather than accept he has 50% of the responsibility) * Playing mean 'mind games' with you (hiding in the closet while you frantically searched for him? Unbelievable!) * Yelling, belittling * Controlling (making you account for money) * Displaying cruelty to a creature much smaller and more vulnerable than him (the dog). Can you imagine if that was a child? I'd get out. If he wants to go to counseling with you, perhaps you two can work things out and re-build your relationship But don't stay with someone who makes you feel scared, beaten down and sad. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 You need to arrange to get out ASAP! Do not allow this person to sucker you back into the relationship. Lil story........ A very nice sane lady called me many years ago to discuss giving me a family pet. She stated they could no longer care for the dog. Well it turns out the H was actually beating the dog when the wife did not toe the line on the home front. The dog came to us with a stab wound. He used the dog to force her to do his bidding. She did not get out. She is now dead. I am not trying to scare you.....but it can happen, it does happen, and you need to remove yourself now. Would you stay in your home if it was in flames? Got news....... the damn thing is getting ready to explode! GET OUT NOW. Link to post Share on other sites
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