loony Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 I recently start to have contact again with a friend of mine. We hadn't been in touch for over a year, because he started to become too interested in me and I was quite uncomfortable with it. He wanted us to meet and do something together and I was just avoiding him. Finally he confessed his feelings for me plus said some other nasty stuff later on about me and another guy. I was angry and thought it would be best if we stopped contacting each other. I felt too stressed to deal with him, too. A while ago I wrote him an email saying that I felt sorry how things had turned out. I told him that I did believe that he created a bigger mess, because he just gave me mixed messages. He told me he wasn't interested in me anymore, but still acted as if he was, continued denying it, stressed me about seemingly trivial things, etc., nevertheless I also told him that I thought it would have been my responsibility to address this problem directly if he wasn't able to deal with it. I don't assume that people who are desperate in love are very rational, so I should have made the first step. He responded and it seems he is over it. I'm not sure if he really is or not. I don't think he had a girlfriend since we quit contact. I have to admit, I enjoy writing emails to him, we have a lot of fun together and of all my friends he is one of the few whom I like talking to. I would like to be more active again and do things together like going to the theater or a movie, but I'm not sure if this would not evoke old feelings. I've considered asking him directly if he thought he could handle it or not and telling him that I wanted us to be just friends, but I'm not sure if I would get an honest answer and if he wouldn't feel hurt by my bluntness. So my question is - what is the best approach in this case? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 If he still has feelings for you, friendship isn't possible. The thing is, he may not feel anything anymore and has moved on. Just be prepared for anything. I mean, would you be really crushed if he rejected you, or told you not to call him again? Not saying that would happen, but after no contact, who knows...That is a tough one to decide or even approach. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loony Posted January 15, 2006 Author Share Posted January 15, 2006 If he still has feelings for you, friendship isn't possible. The thing is, he may not feel anything anymore and has moved on. Just be prepared for anything. I mean, would you be really crushed if he rejected you, or told you not to call him again? Not saying that would happen, but after no contact, who knows...That is a tough one to decide or even approach. We are talking again and have been exchanging emails for a while. I also know that he is looking for a job now and will probably move away. My greatest concern is really only that he might develop feelings again. Link to post Share on other sites
EMJ Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 He hasn't stopped being in love with you. He's just waiting for you to figure it out and "come to your senses". I've known lots of situations like this and in my personal life the lives of my friends. He as not moved on if he's still in contact with you. This can go on for years and years. Even if he gets with someone else, you are still #1 in his heart. It's not rational. You aren't consciously playing with him, but you are denying what you know is true. You enjoy his company, but not enough to make him your boyfriend. You should really spare him this, it is leading him to think that "someday" it will happen. If you tell him directly that you "never had and never will" feel that way, it will still not stop his feelings as long as you are hanging out. I had a guy "friend" for about 12 years like that. I never acknowledged it because I enjoyed the friendship. But it really wasn't a friendship, it was him in love and me pretending like I did not know it. It finally got to the point where he was calling and waking me up at 3:00 am and hanging up. Several times a week. I could see it on the caller ID, and he just became a creepy stalker. I had to scream "You disgust me, dont' ever call me again". I unplugged the phone and moved out that apartment eventually. I also have a girl friend who tried to hook me up with her friend from Law school, trying to pawn him off I guess. Even though she was married at the time. He acted interested, but not too much. She got a divorce and got a new boyfriend. It totally devastated him. It was then I knew for sure that he was totally in love with her. Did not matter if she wasn't interested. He figured that sooner or later she would come around. It never happened and he STILL follows her like a puppy dog. This man is now over 40. Totally stupid Lawyer, for sure. These are not rational choices. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 I agree with everyone.. and he will always be looking for that opening from you.. This is one of those things that can never be.. unless of course you decide you have feelings for him Link to post Share on other sites
Author loony Posted January 15, 2006 Author Share Posted January 15, 2006 Well, I stayed away from him for more than two years. He lives maybe an hour from me, but I just didn't want to meet him. And for a year now, we have stopped writing at all. It's only been recently, maybe since two months ago that we are writing to each other. Most of the times it's weeks inbetween till one of us answers. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 So my question is - what is the best approach in this case? If you become "friends" again he will take it that you are romantically interested in him. This i can guarantee. Stay away from him. Men and women should not be freinds on a platonic basis. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 You need to keep it email only.. otherwise it will implode Link to post Share on other sites
Author loony Posted January 15, 2006 Author Share Posted January 15, 2006 You need to keep it email only.. otherwise it will implode Actually, we had plenty of problems even though we were just writing emails... Guess, I should also be careful with this now... Link to post Share on other sites
EMJ Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 He hasn't stopped being in love with you. He's just waiting for you to figure it out and "come to your senses". I've known lots of situations like this and in my personal life the lives of my friends. He as not moved on if he's still in contact with you. This can go on for years and years. Even if he gets with someone else, you are still #1 in his heart. It's not rational. You aren't consciously playing with him, but you are denying what you know is true. You enjoy his company, but not enough to make him your boyfriend. You should really spare him this, it is leading him to think that "someday" it will happen. If you tell him directly that you "never had and never will" feel that way, it will still not stop his feelings as long as you are hanging out. I had a guy "friend" for about 12 years like that. I never acknowledged it because I enjoyed the friendship. But it really wasn't a friendship, it was him in love and me pretending like I did not know it. It finally got to the point where he was calling and waking me up at 3:00 am and hanging up. Several times a week. I could see it on the caller ID, and he just became a creepy stalker. I had to scream "You disgust me, dont' ever call me again". I unplugged the phone and moved out that apartment eventually. I also have a girl friend who tried to hook me up with her friend from Law school, trying to pawn him off I guess. He acted interested, but not too much. She got a divorce and got a new boyfriend. It totally devastated him. It was then I knew for sure that he was totally in love with her. Did not matter if she wasn't interested. He figured that sooner or later she would come around. It never happened and he STILL follows her like a puppy dog. This man is now over 40. Totally stupid Lawyer, for sure. These are not rational choices. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loony Posted January 15, 2006 Author Share Posted January 15, 2006 Men and women should not be freinds on a platonic basis. No, they can, just not best buddies I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loony Posted January 15, 2006 Author Share Posted January 15, 2006 EMJ, I read your post. Ok, I will reduce my contact with him again and watch our email correspondence. Link to post Share on other sites
EMJ Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 No contact is likely your only salvation. These in love folks can be like pit bulls! Jaws locked onto you. Let him go and figure it out. You'll be doing him a big favor if he learns this lesson and never does it again. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loony Posted January 15, 2006 Author Share Posted January 15, 2006 No contact is likely your only salvation. These in love folks can be like pit bulls! Jaws locked onto you. Let him go and figure it out. You'll be doing him a big favor if he learns this lesson and never does it again. Good luck. He's one of the few people I like talking to and who doesn't bore the **** out of me... Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 maybe you have more than friendship feelings for him... Or a secret desire to wanting to make it more Link to post Share on other sites
Author loony Posted January 15, 2006 Author Share Posted January 15, 2006 maybe you have more than friendship feelings for him... Or a secret desire to wanting to make it more Um, NO WAY. I know I don't want to get physical with him... Link to post Share on other sites
EMJ Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 You wanted a friend in him. He wants a lover in you. There's no reconciling the two. They are "feelings" on completely different levels. The heart does not accept compromise. Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loony Posted February 12, 2006 Author Share Posted February 12, 2006 I didn't try to revive the friendship and instead just send him an email occasionally telling him how I'm doing and he is doing basically the same. Now he told me he's going to stay in my area. He will start a new job and move to a new appartment. He mentioned a house-warming party and I guess, I will be invited. I think if I get invited I will go, anything else would seem quite rude and no matter what I tell him, he will believe it is an excuse and feel hurt, nonetheless I'd like to hear some opinions. Link to post Share on other sites
Milo Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 I don't see what the big deal is really. If he expresses feelings for you that don't interest you, then politely decline and remind him that you are friends and that's it. Very, very few of my female friends have shown ulterior motives in our friendships, and when they do the friendship just vanishes anyway. It has not been a horrible ordeal like hang up phone calls at 3AM and no one needed to be put in their place. Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 Obviously you have no feeling for this guy, and perhaps he has gotten over you... for now that is. I would only keep it to the Internet. If he has a house warming party, you could go for an hour or two, have some conversation and then leave. Just dont lead him on into thinking there is any chance. He could be your friend only if he is over you, but you have to make sure that he is before you start any kind of relationship with him again Link to post Share on other sites
Author loony Posted June 30, 2009 Author Share Posted June 30, 2009 He hasn't stopped being in love with you. He's just waiting for you to figure it out and "come to your senses". Thanks for writing this. Not only because of this friend of mine. I just re-read this thread and what you describe is how I've been feeling for someone else for a very long time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loony Posted June 30, 2009 Author Share Posted June 30, 2009 Here's the follow up story if anybody's interested: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t193713/ Link to post Share on other sites
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